Actions and words

[Marilou26]

Dear people,

 

I have posted here before and love this website.

 

My s/o and I broke up recently. He was a really good guy, considerate and kind. Yet, he started pushing me away because of his work, and I panicked, and he did not want me anymore because of that ( my panicking was one confontation, and several emails saying I needed to talk to him and that he could not treat me this way, that was all..perhaps he is a conflict avoider and I am not).

Any way: the relationship was not perfect at all. Yet, he is the best guy I have ever met..And thereforeeee I am struggling with the loss, because he is the best guy I have ever met..and that is not a good reason to want him, is it? There are many more good guys...isn't it?

 

Don't we sometimes stay in relationships even if they are not "all that", even if we do not feel really happy and appreciated just because this person is good?

 

Anyway ( sorry people... need to talk)) he is always respectful and kind in his wordign etc. but in his behaviour he has hurt me, because he keeps on pushing me away, does not pick up the phone, knows I am hurt and never apologizes for any of this. I KNOW he is not bad or does not hurt me on purpose..But still he does hurt me because he pushes me away and focuses on his work ( and how can he ignore my hurt?? And not even respond to that??) He said he was stressed at work and if he had to choose between that and me he chooses his work. Never said sorry for this, while I have given myself for a 100%.

Because he is not a bad guy, I feel I am whining that I am feeling hurt. I think too black and white.

A good guy can still be selfish and hurt me. If I am hurt I need to accept that and feel that my pain is valid, despite of his kind words etc.

 

Oh! I hate myself right now. I want him back because he is a good guy even though his behaviour hurts me. He dumped me for a stupid reason.

I pray to God when his work stress decreases, that he realizes he lost me and that I was a damn good woman to have!! And that I am gone!

 

How can he not care about my pain when I confront him? When I confront him he runs away, says he is too busy, and acts if all we had was nothing to him, when we shared so much emotionally. How can people do that? And I mean..: I was always so reasonable..perhaps we are just not compatible emotionally. I feel guilty for saying bad things about him because he is a good guy. But just because he basically is a good guy that does not mean that thereforeeee he does not make mistakes or has no responsabolity?

 

What is my problem? Why do I only think about the good stuff when there was so much bad stuff too??

Do you guys also forget the bad stuff?

 

I have this weird idea in my head and I know it is stupid and yet I cannot get rid of it:

If he is a bad guy and hurts me it is easy to leave because then he is to blame and I don't want him because I deserve better.

If he is a good guy he never meant to hurt me ( even though he did and does) and he just does not know how to deal with emotions. In this case I just feel sympathy and I want to work it out and I feel it is all my fault...but there is so much grey too, why do I see things in black and white?

Do you do that too??

 

The sad thing is that after 1 month of practically NC, I only think of the good things and totally invalidate my hurt. I think that if I am feeling hurt it is all in my head, becasue he still treated me respectfully in his words..not really actions: is pushing someone away respectful? I feel I am causing myself pain because he is not responsible for my emotions...

 

Sorry for my rant!!

[This Little Lady]

Have you talked to him at all since then. I sounds like you could work this out and it was mostly a misunderstanding between you too. How long had you been going out for and when did he start spending less time with you because of his job?

[Marilou26]

Why do I feel this way? Why do I try to change? If he does not want me it is his loss!

Why do I always try to change for him? If I FEEL hurt and mistreated, then that should be just enough for me to leave, despite of how he feels he treated me?

 

In this relationship I have always been very assertive when I felt unhappy with his behaviour, and I have always tried very kindly and with much love to make it work. But I cannot clap with one hand. And I have shared my pain with him, but he kept on pushing me away.

 

Why do we stay when we should really go?

I mean: why do I not say: you have issues ( which he has) and your behaviour is unacceptable?

I think after one month I have forgotten all the bad stuff...

 

Sorry..

 

Can someone say something nice, that there are plenty nice guys and that it is a good thing I have been assertive? I am sure I am the first girl who ever said it to him on his face, that I feel he was acting cowardly and immature, and oh! am I proud of myself that I did!!

Damn PROUD! And I am sure now he is even more sick of me, lol, because I confronted him with himself.

[Marilou26]

Little lady,

 

I talked to him last time last week. He broke up with me 1 month ago and I did not hear from him since. I emailed him after the break up, kind emails about the relationship, and never heard from him. Then, I asked 1 month later for closure and then he said ( 3 days later) it was permanently over because he was too busy and thought I was not supportive. And to be honest: I don;t want him back. I am just SO angry with the way he does not acknoweldge my feelings at all. I asked for closure, then he said he was too busy. Got back to me 3 days later to dump me. He could have done that earlier too...when I asked him. He was too busy too let me know at that time.

[sneaker]

And to be honest: I don;t want him back. I am just SO angry with the way he does not acknoweldge my feelings at all.

 

It's good that you've realized you don't want him back! Use this as strength to help you move on when you're feeling low.

 

As for being angry, well, you already know you don't want him back, right? So be angry. I wouldn't act on those feelings but feel them and think about how the next guy date is going to be a lot more responsive and considerate.

[Marilou26]

I wish I could post once more..

 

My real issue: He is acting cold and I know he cares and that is why he acts coldly.

Then I think: if he acts coldly he cares and thereforeeee there might still be a chance. He is hurt, and that hurts me, I want to "fix " him, take away his pain. But what about my pain? And there is no more chance, since he dumped me.

Pff! I wish I never met him!