Musicians girlfriends/wives support?

[Abgb]

I'm gonna tell some truths here from someone whose been in this position for the last 16 years. No my husband was NOT in a band when we met so I did not know what I was getting into. I knew he enjoyed music so I thought oh this will be a honest little hobby. WRONG! Know what you are getting into by dating or marrying a band guy.

 

FIRST...to any girl thinking of going on tour with her mans band unless he's very famous and has his own bus to travel, at which point you can prob afford therapy and don't need this site, DO NOT GO! The rest of the band is going to resent you and theres going to be alot of issues within the band between your man and the rest of the band. And its going to stem from you being on tour with them. The reason is cause you are taking up space which is a commodity on tour...you arent adding anything..even if you are selling Merch or hauling gear it's still going to cause issues when you fight with your man and believe me you will and eventually you'll fight with the band. Plus there's a privacy issue. Can you try to imagine changing in front of four guys without them seeing anything? Or if they are driving and you have to pee? Seriously stay home.

 

SECOND....God forbid you get married...forget anniversaries...birthdays...Easter...valentines...thanksgiving...st parttys..new years....fourth of July....memorial day...labor day...just about every weekend in the summer...you'll be either alone or wondering if you can stand or sit in another venue....the holidays are the worse. Every year you look at the calendar wondering which holidays will be missed. You'll beg your man to tell the band to not book one date but eventually a gig will come up and he'll take it cause hey it's a gig and you'll find yourself alone on that special night or sitting on a stool alone watching your man on stage with a bunch of chicks swooning in front of him. I seriously can't count the number of anniversaries, birthdays, kids birthdays, new years I've spent alone..Easters my kids have had to do quietly cause daddy was still sleeping cause he only got home from a gig 2 hours ago.

 

 

THIRD....If you have kids forget being equal parents. You'll essentially be a single parent. Get used to being the one and only. Oh and you think he'll give you a break when he gets off the road or home from a gig cause you've worked so hard?? No. He's gonna use the fact that's he "rocked" so hard that just can't move a single muscle and has to rest and you need to handle everything. Get used to being the only parent at your kids confernances, plays, the one to get up in the middle of the night to clean up the puke, possibly giving birth alone or scheduling labor around a gig. Oh and when there aren't gigs you'll think gret hell be home but no that's when the band will come up with a band bonding project of going to s concert together or one of the guys will think the need a guys weekend....and you'll be like WHAT? He hasn't been home for 6 weekends! Also, get used to the people who have no kids or spouses or gf/bfs pulling your man towards the single life or not being sensitive to the fact that you need them. They won't ever understand. Dont even try to make them...it useless...if they don't have kids they don't know what you are going through and don't care.....

 

 

FOURTH....AND POSSIBLY MOST IMPORTANT....M-O-N-E-Y.....You won't have any. He'll constantly need new and better gear. Depending on his vice...guitarist, bassist, drummer, singer...whatever...you are going to be buying gear over and over and over and over again. You think he'll make enough playing out? Ha. Not a chance! Unless he's a signed artist getting regular rotation on national stations and famous enough to be sponsored by someone like Peavy, Gibson, Marshall, etc It's not gonna happen. Let me tell you a Lil something about a good friend of ours. He's in a Lil band you might have heard of called Pop Evil. Now when we first met our friend we had something in common our sons are the same age with the same name...we all bonded..at the time Pop only had 1 Lil hit. They were touring constantly no real money yet. Having spent a lot of money buying onto tours. Oh yes....and there's that. Your man wants to tour? Except for touring in a van and booking it yourself you can buy onto a tour for thousands of dollars. Well when we met our friend which was years ago they weren't making any money. It wasn't tll this year that Pop is actually making a name for themselves in the industry their album is doing well and they are getting a lot of AirPlay with numerous songs. This is where they are starting to get big. But it took many many years and tens of thousands of dollars from each member. Are you willing to put that into it? Eventually if your man is serious and even being signed doesn't mean he isn't gonna have to buy onto a tour...you may have to pony up some money for gear or a tour so your gotta decide whether you are going all in or not. Get used to going without for a long time.

 

FIFTH....women. Women are going to be a problem. Bar skanks are what I call them. They don't respect a ring, they don't respect gfs. They'll do anything to sleep with anyone in a band local, or national. They wear it as a badge. They'll go on Facebook and friend your man...message him...if he has his number on there they WILL call or text him trying to hook up. Now some guys will WILL try to say that they are trying to be nice to fans. But you need to hold strong. No taken man needs his number to be visible to fans on Facebook. Not one. Take it from someone who knows. My husband had his number on his fb and it didn't concern me until women started calling and texting my husband. Ive even had women use the ploy at the bar "oh I've lost my phone...can you call it so I can find it?" that way they get his number. You need to put the smack down. If he's absolutely adamant he has to have his number visible he's looking for groupies to mess with. I've been around bands for 16 years I've seen marriages, gfs, bfs, divorces, cheating, affairs, mistresses, band breakups, new bands coming together, band fights, band makeups, band affairs...everything trust me when I'm telling you this. Best thing would be for your man to have two fbs one for family and friends and one for the band. When women try to get too touchy around him at a bar just mark your territory. Kiss him at the bar, hold his hand but don't get jealous and make a scene. All thats going to do is get you banned from coming to other gigs. GUYS DO NOT LIKE DRAMA. Be cool. And if your man is doing something that's completely uncalled for like kissing women, grabbing women's tooshes or something wait till home. FYI there is a reason why 90% of band marriages end in divorce.

 

So why have I been married so long? Why have I stuck it out or not made him quit? Well....I love my husband. If you force your man to quit he'll resent you for it eventually. He has to want to quit on his own for his own reasons. it boils down to how much you love this person and how much you want to see them happy and how much of your own happiness your willing to sacrifice to make that happen. As I write this it's 10:18pm on a saturday....it's week 3 of a 8 week tour my husbands out on. This is tour 2 of a national. Not counting the many years he's left for weekends or 4 day gigs or week long gigs and stuff. He came back from a 8 weeks tour in December and went back out in march...he'll come back in may and go back out in June or July...he's playing with big bands...and I miss him like crazy so much you have no idea....sometimes I almost hate him for it. But that's normal. I'm raising three kids on my own and I've had two brain surgeries that I've been recovering from. But I don't want to hold him back from his dreams so I barrel on. Thats what we do for the ones we love. So before you take that leap ladies you have to think of how much you are willing to sacrifice? It's easy when you are dating with no kids, no responsiblilities, able to come and go as you please. It's a whole different story when you are 37 with 3 kids.

 

But I wouldn't change places with anyone. When my husband is home...we still sit side by side all the time even if he's just upstairs on the computer. We love being next to eachother. I sit on the couch when's he's practicing his guitar and watch him practice...just cause I love listening to him. He works from home so when he's home we are literally together 24/7. I love everything about that man. His smell, the feel of his hands in mine, his laugh...16 years and we have more passion more love and more desire than most people together for a year. He's my everything..so for that I make the sacrifices I mentioned above...and it's all worth it when I see how happy he is doing what he loves. I hope this helps someone out there. But don't rip me apart too much ive got enough stuff going on in my life ok

[Evafirefly]

I need help. We've been together 8 years. He's been in a band consistently but only playing locally. He's finally found a great working band. They play every weekend 1-4 hours away and usually involves hotels. In 8 years I've never been jealous. Women at the shows don't bother me one bit. But, his female bandmates do. This is his most successful band, It's where he needs to be. It's my first time being second to the band and I'm not handling it well. He's treating me extra well because he knows I'm having a hard time but little things still keep happening. Their new female singer is a 24yo bombshell who I saw grinding on his knee onstage. I got mad. The drummers a female, apparently he couldn't let her drive by herself... Guess what, I do everything in the weekends by myself! One big difference between this and his other bands is that I've always felt like I was in the group in some way/friends/community for the casual bands. This band is professional and I have no place in it other than musicians wife... I get jealous every chance there is, unfortunately those chances happen often. Nothing big but litle stuff. (The grinding I'd consider med.) I'm starting therapy this week. But I've been looking for a band wife forum.

[CarnieS]

I’m alone and having a bad day (many), which leads me to be perusing the internet for other people who can relate. I stumbled upon this forum and I figure anyone in here (who is still connected to this thread after all this time) will understand this little story I wrote for my fb page 7 weeks ago... and so I’m sharing it with you. Enjoy:

 

I’m home, I’ve just dropped this man of mine off at the airport. I am going to miss him like crazy. My kid is going to miss him like crazy. He’s heading overseas for 8 weeks and we only found out 5 days ago. And so we roll with it. In the last two years I’m not even sure how many times I’ve made that airport drop off.

 

It is super weird seeing your partner off to go chase their dreams, and earn a living in a very strange way that most don’t understand. We just hope that every time, it’s worth it, and when he comes home, everything will feel normal, or it won’t take long to. What’s interesting when you look at things as a whole, this IS (our) normal. It is an unconventional lifestyle, a totally strange way to live, and sometimes it’s really hard to know which side of the fence you want to live on (for all of us). Sometimes a 9-5 with benefits sounds like a really great idea. Until the opportunity of a lifetime, a chance to travel the world, a chance to create unforgettable experiences for thousands of people every night comes up... and then you think who the would want a 9-5?! Certainly not me if I had the choice or chance, certainly not my kid, and, confirmed, not my man.

 

The problem isn’t the work or the distance, really. It’s just the time and timing. Sometimes it just feels too long, and sometimes you miss things. I think I’m writing this post to have a reminder, a time-stamped record of how it feels on day 1; an acknowledgment that all of the anticipation nerves have calmed down now, and that the initial sadness about the “missing” that we’ll all be doing has occurred, and been overcome (for now). But when you miss a place or an event, you never miss it to be nowhere. There is always a different experience you’re having instead. Lucky for us, we’ll both be experiencing safety, support, love and excitement. We’ll both be having some fun no matter where we are, and whom we are without. Across the globe or the pond or the hallway, we aren’t ever alone. And we work hard to remind each other of that.

 

For any of you in long-distance relationships, who have a spouse that travels, or maybe you travel and you leave your family for days, weeks or months at a time. You’re not alone. There are so many of us doing it too! It just takes a little work to remember why you’re doing it.

 

We’re just lucky it’s for love and lights and the music ❤️💡🎶

______________

 

Edit: and after 7 weeks, and a few bad days of poor connection and time changes that both lend us to be working when the other one is free, it feels ty. Doesn’t change the fact that we love each other and are doing our best. But man, sometimes it would be nice not to have to phone to say thanks for the flowers you knew you were going to get by delivery for the __th Valentine’s Day in a row, ya know?

 

Anyway, power to all you gfs/bfs/hubbies/wives/partners and KIDS out there doing this too (for all the right reasons). 👊