In desperate need of advice!!

[Totally lost]

Hi,

I would really love help as I'm totally lost and don't know what to do!! It's a long story so bear with me.

I have been married for the past 13 years and have 3 beautiful children. I was always very happy in my marriage until about a year ago and have constantly thought of leaving my husband as I love him but am not in love with him anymore. I have only stayed because of the kids. About 3 months ago I lost my job putting us into financial hardship and needed to come up with something quick. A good friend had been offering me work for a while so I decided to ask him and he gave me a job which takes me away for 3 to 4 days at a time. My husband is a rep on the road so when he's home I would go away. We still had time together though we weren't away all the time. On my second trip away my good friend (who is male) and I connected in a way I have never connected with another man before. We have so much in common and by the next trip we ended up sleeping together and fell head over heels inlove. It wasn't planned but just happened and we couldn't get over how something so wrong could feel so right. You see he is married as well but is in a totally loveless marriage. He has left his wife a few times but she uses his kids against him and won't let him have contact with his kids. He is an amazing father and totally committed to his kids so he goes back. I have witnessed many occasions of her total cruelty towards him. He also has cancer and is going through treatment at the moment which is another reason why he needs his kids.

Before anything even happened between us my husband started to get jealous acusing me of having an affair. I don't really think he suspected anything about us and honestly believe he was jealous because I was having fun without him. I was always the one stuck home with the kids so when the table was reversed he didn't like it. He even went so far as to checking my luggage to see what I was taking. This didn't go down well with me as I never once acused him of anything nor would I ever check his luggage. I think my anger towards this made it easier for me to do what I did because I have never been unfaithful before and have always looked down on those who do. Hence the guilty feeling I have! Neither of us have admitted the truth to our partners as we don't want to hurt them.

Anyway our relationship only lasted about a month before I made a big mistake. I started to feel really insecure about my relationship with my friend as he was becoming distant towards me. He was having a lot of problems with his business and health and instead of letting me be there for him he shut me out. I found this very hard to deal with as I'm not used to being pushed away and need to be there for the person I love. This is how he deals with things even when he takes his chemo he won't let anybody stay with him as he is a very strong person and told me he will only try to act strong for me instead of looking after himself. He lost some contracts with his company losing him a lot of money and had to put off a lot of employees including me. Being put off didn't worry me the only concern I had was that I wouldn't be able to see him. It was like he climbed into his shell and not once did he try to console my fears and tell me our relationship would be ok. I never actually asked him either as I new he was going through a lot. To top it all off I was having tea with his best friend on my last night of work who informed me that I was not the only person in my friends life and that he did this all the time. I have since found out this isn't true and that his friend had fallen for me also. I went off the handle and sent him a lot of cruel sms telling him exactly what I thought of him (I'm sure you can guess pretty much what I said). My friend and his best mate ended up in a huge punch up fight that night and have never spoken since. Unfortunately I didn't find out that what I was told was lies until a few days later and by that time I had lost the love of my life.

He wouldn't speak to me at all after what happened and is now starting to talk after about 2 weeks. He still can't forgive me and told me everytime he thinks of me it brings him back to not only what I did but also everything else. He can't understand why I listened to his friend and didn't have faith in him. I was feeling insecure, guilty about my husband and let his friend get the better of me.

I miss him like crazy and fear I've lost my true love. I don't know how to make things right or if I should just let it go for fear of hurting him even further. We are both married which makes it wrong but neither of us are inlove with our partners. Are we being punished for our sins.

What do I do - fight for what I believe in or let go.

Please help!!

[blender]

First off, sorry you are facing all these emotionally draining circumstances. And I hope you will seek some guidance before re-acting to all you are feeling right now.

 

What do you mean by "fight for what you believe in"? Ask yourself: Do you believe in cheating? Do you believe in lying? Do you believe in actively making a choice to betray your own marriage?

 

Do you believe in and respect people who even if they are in a loveless marriage or going through the normal phases of life that "feel" as IF they are loveless, when the real fact is, the attention and love needed to help a marriage survive was not given to that marriage but was given into one's urges or temporary needs to fulfill some emptiness and go OUTSIDE the marriage to get a "fix" for it?

 

Unfortunately you made some bad choices, and that's okay, forgive yourself, but please learn from all this, don't keep piling up future regrets by pursuing a married man, or pursuing any other man while YOU are still married yourself.

 

It doesn't matter that you had a misunderstandig with his "friend".. that's all water under the bridge, the bigger more important issue is to ask yourself what values and standards YOU are fighting for in YOUR own self respecting life.

 

Fighting for something you "want" is different then fight for something you believe in with respect, integrity and reality, and love and empathy for all invovled, him, his wife, you, your husband, your children, his children.. how are they all being respected and consider in all this?

 

Don't you believe that whether you are IN love with your husband or not, that at least you can be loving enough to be kind, honest, sincere, truthful, loyal, and self respecting enough to stop pursuing something that isn't "right"? Why not fight for what you believe in, and face your challenges within your marriage with love, respect, effort, sincerety, kindness, responsibility for your part in the lack of love in the marriage, and to put your children, your self respect, and your integrity first before you ALLOW yourself to indulge in an "attraction" outside your marriage, by choosing to either work on your marriage, or legally separate BEFORE you would violate it's trust?

 

Please forgive yourself first, and start healing by making choices based on what you "believe in and stand for in values and standards" and no longer make choices based on temporary wants, needs, or urges... YOU are worhty of intentional respectful love.. so start with doing so for yourself.. do not contact this man again, not now.. just take some time to reflect, forgive and heal your own heart, and try to focus on what next step you can take to re-gain some healthy respectful perspective.... you can do this in a better way for YOU... can you seek some professional therapy where you can freely discuss all that you are going through? This is so much for you to be dealing with, and you deserve to take the time to get some help and guidance for yourself..

 

let us know what you're thinking, and how you're doing, we all care and want to help.. best, blender

[Totally lost]

Thank you so much for your advice. I know what I have done is wrong and that I should stay away. I constantly beat myself up over the fact that I have been unfaithful. I have to say honestly though that I believe my friend and I have a real connection and I am having a lot of trouble switching my feelings off. I really do love this man and can't believe how hard I have fallen for him. I do believe though that I have to sort out my own life before I embark any further with this relationship and consider all people involved.

I don't feel I have anything left to give to my marriage and it is only making me miserable. I don't want to hurt my husband as I still care very much for him. It's not fair to either of us if I stay and keep living a lie but I don't know how to get out. Since I lost my job I don't have the finances to support myself and my children. If I stay then I will feel as though I am using him.

Anymore advice.

[Morgy]

I understand what your saying about feeling you have given all you have in this marriage. Sometimes in our lives we lose track of our current partners through no fault but life its self.

 

Some questions you need to ask yourself is:

 

Is your husband good to you, loving, supportive and respectfull to you ??

Is he a good father to your children ??

 

I think we lose sight of what is important. I once had an affair many moons ago, simply because my partner wasnt showing me the love and affection, the simple things I wanted from her. A young girl I worked with used to pay me attention all the time but never thought much of it until one day she blurted out her feelings for me. This for me was a boost to my ego for it was something I wasnt recieving at home and yes I got carried away with it.

I am not sure how long it lasted but it lasted a while and the whole time I said to her that I was in a loveless marriage and needed to get out.

 

I can tell you even though I was in that situation I was never going to leave because of my kids. I gave her many excuses for not leaving and she accepted them all the time. I wanted my cake and eat it too.

Guilt eventually took its toll and I woke up one day and thought what am I doing, I am wrecking the most important thing in my life. But due to what i was doing the damage was done on the home front. She started to go out with her friends to have some her time and I stayed home looking after the kids. Her friends were out looking for some action ( married ones) and she would tell me that she would never do that, I believed every word. Well my karma came and hit me, She did do it and by god it hurt like hell.

 

Every action we make has a reaction of some kind and that was mine. It hurt so much, I didnt want to lose my family but I did. Took me ages to get over it. That was 7 years ago and I am a much better person for the hurt and pain I went through but I guess my point is that the grass isint greener over the other side, look outside of your box and really see if your marriage is that bad cause something simple can be fixed if you 'both' walk the same path !!

 

This friend you refer too is making excuses to you I am afraid. He is using this thing with his other friend as an out, he is using it against you. He cup is full at the moment and when its empty he will come back for a top up. You will only get hurt....

[Totally lost]

Thanks Morgy for your comments. They really hit home. It's good to hear from somebody who has an understanding of what I'm going through. Your comments about him making excuses has me wondering about a lot of things. Perhaps your right. When I look back at the last week I spent with him it was really bumpy. He did have a bad week but I don't understand how he could shut me out the way he did. Was that his way of causing a break up without actually doing it. Waiting for me to break and lose faith but leaving him as though he was the innocent one? Does any of that make sense. Was I just a toy to him and was he playing with me? I think the brain could be working overtime but let me know what you think. I'm not trying to make excuses for my part in all this either!

[Gus Almighty]

Geez, this is like the opposite end of my situation. Its kind of painful for me to read into.

[midnightrambler]

Totally Lost, can you describe for me what gave you the idea you have a "real connection" with this guy and isn't it possible this is just a case of two unhappy people finding relief in each other for a moment.

[Totally lost]

When I say connection I mean we connected in a lot of ways and not just romantically. We new each other before but not like we do now. We talked in great depth in the beginning and learnt a lot about each other. We have so much in common it's uncanny. We even started finishing each others sentences. It was like we had known each other our whole life.

[blender]

You were not and are not a "toy to anyone", so just breathe, and know that these "desperate feelings" will pass, and please do not confuse them with "love"... This affair like so many was a bridge you crossed at that time, do not choose to try to cross over it again, you're moving on.. because you know that it's not right to pursue it anymore. It's all going to be okay.

 

The feelings you are having about "him" as real, and as loving as they SEEM now, are only a distraction from the real things that may be difficult for you to face, but you will get through this, trust that even though you "feel" you've given all you could to your marriage, well, the "fact" is there is still more you can give... you can try to put some of the energy you have given to this affair, just try to give some of that towards your marriage.

 

Even if it just means starting with being kind towards your husband and giving him some attention, until you can focus and figure out in time with a clear head and heart what it is you wish to do...so do not base what you think you want on this affair, instead it's going to take some time to re-gain some perspective here.

 

Remember you had the "newness, excitment and connection" of an affair, that's not unique... and the word "connection" is used by so many that have affairs.. sure there was a connection, based on both of your "needs"..plus a letting go of your own standards/values and commitments to your spouses, and an opportunity to share your deepest thoughts, and run to each other so you wouldn't have to face the mature challenges in your own marriages with courage, the affair "feels" like an answer to all that overwhelms you.. this happens to many.

 

That "newness and freedom" within an affair is intoxicating... it's like a drug, it feels good, it feels like it makes all your troubles go away, it's addicting, it might not be right, but it makes you "feel" so high and happy...yet the whole time your "on this affair drug" you know it's not good for you, it's not right to do, and when the "supply" stops it's like a painful withdrawal, and then there is your life, and all the things you were avoiding dealing with staring you in the face, the 'drug" didn't make them go away.. they are still your responsibility...

 

and affairs are the OPPOSITE of responsibility, that is why they "feel" so freeing and intoxicating, but unfortunately rarely are they based on true, emotionally sound, respectful, honest, unselfish, healthy love..

 

All that you are feeling now is like 'withdrawal'... and I know you "feel" that you love this affair man, but please love yourself first, love yourself enough to know that you will get through this withdrawal, and you can only do so one step at a time.

 

Please forgive yourself, know that you will grow past this... and do NOT take anything personally where this guy is concerned... he is no longer worthy of your precious heart and attention.

 

Just look at all the history you and your husband share, all the ups and downs you've gone through together, did he "run away" because the two of you had arguments, misunderstandings, or at times disappointed or hurt each other?

 

See an affair is usually built on quicksand, it's not stable, it's not based on a shared history of relying on each other when you are at your emotional best and worst.. it's more of a fantastical feeling of connection based on the freeing lack of real responsiblities of day to day life that only a legitimate relationship has to endure over time... so it "feels" as if it's a deeper connection because it's so indulgent.. but that is different than authentic day to day love through thick and thin, through births, deaths, bills, pressures. Even if you share all your fears, all those daily responsibilities feel temporarily on hold, almost gone because the "connection" is based on needs, and urges, and attraction...and yes it's intoxicating and you are an emotional loving woman, who really believed that this could lead you away from all your heavy anchors.. but those anchors that seem so daunting will in time prove to be what are most important and precious to you..once the emotional dust settles, and you can re-gain some perspective.. I promise you will look at this whole experience differently.. you just will.. but it takes time and effort.

 

The effort being some baby steps to start one day at a time living within your standards, values, and beliefs, and trying not to indulge in the fantasy feelings of "what if's" and "how come".. and 'why not"... but instead try to focus on YOU, your family and remember the history you share with your husband..and all that the two of you have endured.

 

I'm not saying that you will magically fall in love with your husband, but you can fall in love with what you believe in...your standards, values and your belief that you want to choose your behavior based on things you can be proud of, feel good deep inside your heart about.. and then you will start to heal.

 

No marriage can compare to the excitement, newness, and dreams that an affair temporarily puts in ones life, that is why it is so difficult to compare.. compare and you will despair, so try not to directly compare those "feelings" because the affair allows feelings that are not based on the true self, the true day to day love, instead they are usually based on "emotional need and temporary disraction from facing personal issues and responsibilities".. and are not based in responsible, realistic expectations of day to day life, commitment, responsiblity, children, finances, shared burdens, goals, etc...

 

You're going to be okay, you're going to heal, this affair does not hold the key to your happiness or validation.. only YOU hold that key, and YOU hold the wonderful title of mother, the love you have for your children, and the self love you need to rekindle inside yourself, and the kindness and respect you know you want to give to your husband.. one step at a time..

 

until you can get to an emotional place of healing your own regrets, choices, and let go of the "drama, excitement, and drug" that an affair puts into ones life... you're going through withdrawal and will have to face yourself, and it's not easy, but you have the strength, courage and self respect to get through this.. you will.. breathe, pray, and let go for today, and put energy into yourself, your children, and what you really believe in.

 

with empathy, blender

[thisisjustsowrong]

That is sooo true. Couldn't have said it better.

 

Also check out this thread as it is very related.