Totally lost Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 Hi, I would really love help as I'm totally lost and don't know what to do!! It's a long story so bear with me. I have been married for the past 13 years and have 3 beautiful children. I was always very happy in my marriage until about a year ago and have constantly thought of leaving my husband as I love him but am not in love with him anymore. I have only stayed because of the kids. About 3 months ago I lost my job putting us into financial hardship and needed to come up with something quick. A good friend had been offering me work for a while so I decided to ask him and he gave me a job which takes me away for 3 to 4 days at a time. My husband is a rep on the road so when he's home I would go away. We still had time together though we weren't away all the time. On my second trip away my good friend (who is male) and I connected in a way I have never connected with another man before. We have so much in common and by the next trip we ended up sleeping together and fell head over heels inlove. It wasn't planned but just happened and we couldn't get over how something so wrong could feel so right. You see he is married as well but is in a totally loveless marriage. He has left his wife a few times but she uses his kids against him and won't let him have contact with his kids. He is an amazing father and totally committed to his kids so he goes back. I have witnessed many occasions of her total cruelty towards him. He also has cancer and is going through treatment at the moment which is another reason why he needs his kids. Before anything even happened between us my husband started to get jealous acusing me of having an affair. I don't really think he suspected anything about us and honestly believe he was jealous because I was having fun without him. I was always the one stuck home with the kids so when the table was reversed he didn't like it. He even went so far as to checking my luggage to see what I was taking. This didn't go down well with me as I never once acused him of anything nor would I ever check his luggage. I think my anger towards this made it easier for me to do what I did because I have never been unfaithful before and have always looked down on those who do. Hence the guilty feeling I have! Neither of us have admitted the truth to our partners as we don't want to hurt them. Anyway our relationship only lasted about a month before I made a big mistake. I started to feel really insecure about my relationship with my friend as he was becoming distant towards me. He was having a lot of problems with his business and health and instead of letting me be there for him he shut me out. I found this very hard to deal with as I'm not used to being pushed away and need to be there for the person I love. This is how he deals with things even when he takes his chemo he won't let anybody stay with him as he is a very strong person and told me he will only try to act strong for me instead of looking after himself. He lost some contracts with his company losing him a lot of money and had to put off a lot of employees including me. Being put off didn't worry me the only concern I had was that I wouldn't be able to see him. It was like he climbed into his shell and not once did he try to console my fears and tell me our relationship would be ok. I never actually asked him either as I new he was going through a lot. To top it all off I was having tea with his best friend on my last night of work who informed me that I was not the only person in my friends life and that he did this all the time. I have since found out this isn't true and that his friend had fallen for me also. I went off the handle and sent him a lot of cruel sms telling him exactly what I thought of him (I'm sure you can guess pretty much what I said). My friend and his best mate ended up in a huge punch up fight that night and have never spoken since. Unfortunately I didn't find out that what I was told was lies until a few days later and by that time I had lost the love of my life. He wouldn't speak to me at all after what happened and is now starting to talk after about 2 weeks. He still can't forgive me and told me everytime he thinks of me it brings him back to not only what I did but also everything else. He can't understand why I listened to his friend and didn't have faith in him. I was feeling insecure, guilty about my husband and let his friend get the better of me. I miss him like crazy and fear I've lost my true love. I don't know how to make things right or if I should just let it go for fear of hurting him even further. We are both married which makes it wrong but neither of us are inlove with our partners. Are we being punished for our sins. What do I do - fight for what I believe in or let go. Please help!! Link to comment
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