Just need to tell someone...she cheated

[tryingtrying]

Greetings everyone.

 

I just need to talk. I'm not even sure if I'm looking for advice, but in my efforts to preserve my wife's reputation, I have told no one about her affair, except the counselor who we will begin seeing tomorrow.

 

Basically, her affair began last spring with a man who also has children at our children's school. They began talking at school when she was on the school yard selling scrip, fund-raising gift certificates. Apparently, the deception began around late April-early May, when they went out to lunch together (she always told me she didn't want to go out to lunch with me because taking a 10-minute lunch allowed her to come home earlier).

 

Whoa. I'd better back up. First off, my wife and I have been married 12 years and we have 5 children. I love her very much, and to this point, she still says she doesn't know why she had the affair, that he doesn't meet any need in her that I wasn't meeting, that she still loves me, that this is totally unlike her. Well, on with the sob story...

 

About 3 weeks ago, I came home from church camp, where I was a counselor and two of my kids were campers. My wife was home with 3 kids, but one had preschool every other day, and the other two were sent to science camp (now I know why she was so anxious to sign them up). Immediately, she calls me into the office and closes the door and says "I have to tell you something. On Tuesday, he asked me out for a movie, so I said yes and made sure it was a matinee so things wouldn't look bad. After the movie, we had dinner, but they kept refilling his wine glass, and since we took separate cars, I had to drive him home, but he didn't want his wife to see him drunk, so I let him sleep over at our house (in our bed!) and then took him back to get his car in the morning, but one of the kids saw him, and I didn't want to you to find out from them."

 

At this point, she admitted that she had feelings for him, but that they had only hugged, never even kissed. A few days later, I downloaded software that records keystrokes, and I discovered and e-mail account they used strictly for communicating with each other. As I read them in the middle of the night, I finally discovered that they had actually had sex back in July. It turns out that they had "done it" about 8 to 10 times since late June, unprotected.

 

The worst thing is the deception. That and the fact that she was so willing to jeapordize our marriage and our family. It also kills me that their "opportunities" occurred while I was doing ministry. The first time was while I was leading the Vacation Bible School at our church, the next few times while I was out of town for 9 days doing ministry with a church group to Native Americans in Arizona (I took 3 kids, but the other two were in Science Camp!), and the last few times while I was at camp. There have been other lunch hour rendezvous, like the time he took her to his former school, or to a museum, or to his work. They also went for walks together in the neighborhood ("just walking"), and met at places like the supermarket or the local Target store.

 

We have been trying to work through this, and my biggest problem is sleeping at night. I am an insomniac, but it got much worse after I found out. For the two weeks after I found out, I got a total of about 30 hours of sleep. Now, sometimes I sleep, sometimes I don't. It usually depends on how much reassurance I feel when I go to bed. As I mentioned earlier, we begin counseling tomorrow, and we've been reading a couple of books, but for the most part, she feels they don't apply to her because she doesn't hold anything against me (i.e. lack of affection, inattentiveness, etc...).

 

The latest blow-up occurred this morning, when she told me that she would be doing "quick drop-off" with him, where they open doors for the kindergarteners to expedite the drop-off process. ("10 minutes, supervised, out in the open") Apparently, she detected my discomfort with this, because about 15 minutes ago, she called to say that after she got to work this morning, she called him up, he met her at her work, and she told him that it was over. To back up, I need to explain that about a week ago, God gave me the peace to forgive her, even though I realized that forgiving her did not necessarily mean trusting her. Still, I told her it was up to her to limit her contact with him (in the hopes that she would), and I guess that's why I grew upset when I discovered that she was doing quick drop-off with him this morning.

 

Anyways, thanks for listening. I just had to vent.

[Gilgamesh]

Man, I can really sympathize with what happened to you, its such a terrible thing to happen to anyone, it hits a person on so many levels all at once.

 

reading your post, its almost as it was happening to me (again) i guess i put myself in other peoples shoes to deeply some times.

 

But dont think Id have the strength to forgive her, I wish I did have that kind of power over my mind.

 

counseling is the right thing to do.

 

I hope you can find happiness again,

[MinziGirl]

hello there.

 

I sense that you are a christian too... So am i. To be honest, it is difficult to forgive. I had a hard time too with my then- boyfriend. Counselling is a good thing to do... but is your wife sorry for what she have done & is also seeking to 'turn over a new leaf thru the Lord's help?' If not, then no matter how many counselling you have been to, it is not going to help.

 

If at last nothing works, The scripture of Jesus concerning divorce on grounds of infidilty would be of comfort to you. I hope all things will run well in the end... for it is better to forgive... & pray that the Lord will intervene even to start the healing process right now.

 

All the best... May the Lord bless you & your family & keep you.

[tryingtrying]

Well, let's see. Just had another fight, although I'm not sure what brought it on. I guess one big sticking point is that I'd like her to scale back her work from 80% to 60% next year, like she used to work every year until last year, when the affair began. I just want to spend more time with her. But she said that she'll need as much money as possible if I throw her out. And she's not sure if I'll throw her out because she might "slip" and try to contact him. What she actually meant, I realized by the time our conversation was over, was that she had already slipped, and was worried that I might find out that she tried to contact her, and thus throw her out. (Keep in mind, she called him less than two days after promising me that she'd do "anything and everything" to try and restore our marriage, not contacting him being the foremost of these "things".)

 

So I tried to scale back the punishment, 'cuz I really, really don't want to throw her out and risk losing her forever, and I just said that for her punishment, he (the other guy) has to tell his wife about the affair, 'cuz it's not fair that in all of this, I'm suffering, my wife is suffering, but he's not suffering at all (except the reduced contact with my wife, which I now know is not as reduced as I had thought). I'm also hoping that his wife will keep him on a short leash, since I can't control how much he tries to contact my wife, and I'm hoping that maybe the threat of divorce will turn him back to his family and make him want to put an end to his relationship with my wife.

 

Well, my wife's response to this threat was to remind me that if his wife divorces him, she would leave me (not necessarily in order to run to him, she says) because of the guilt of destroying his marriage. Does this make sense? It's as though she's telling me, "I've hurt you, but the guilt of destroying his marriage means I have to hurt you even more." Well, as it turns out, I spend the next half-hour looking at a photo album and realizing what a great past we have had, and how it wouldn't be wise to risk throwing it away because of one phone call she made (plus a few she received).

 

Problem is, I don't know if she's still deceiving me (maybe there's more than just the one phone call), and I definitely won't know if she continues to deceive me, because after this, you can bet she'll cover her tracks even better. So what do I do? If I snoop even more, she'll say that I'm suffocating her, that this is a prison, not a marriage. If I don't, I'll never be able to re-establish trust in her, my own form of "prison."

 

Counseling once a week sucks. We've been through so many ups and downs since our first session 5 days ago that our last session seems irrelevant.

[Gilgamesh]

OMG! I cant believe this, so she has already told you outright that the only reason she is with you is because this other guy is married!

 

She has lied over and over again, is unfaithful, and doesnt love you, and has basically said, expect , more of the same, because the only reason you have the current arrangement is because its convinient for her at the moment.

 

And your worried about losing her? You already have, Her mind is on the other guy, her heart is set on the other guy, the one she wants and desires is the other guy. noticed I didnt say "love", because this woman doesnt know what that is.

 

I think its time you stood up for yourself, its time you give some value to yourself and act like you have some pride. Next time she Lies, get rid of her, just tell her to leave, thats it, lets her be on her own,

 

What wil happen you say, well she is gonna try and get with the other guy, and what do you think the other guy is going to do? you think he is going to leave his wife, heck he could have done that years ago, he already knew Your wife would leave you for him, he doesnt want that, he was very happy in his little affair without commitment. So when you wife is out and desperate, the ball is going to be in the other guys court, and my belief is he will avoid her and become closer to his own wife all of a sudden.

 

Look at it this way, you have already lost her, and as long as she thinks this other guy is the love of her life, she will continue cheating and lieing to you forever.

 

But when she sees you got some back bone and kicked her out, and then sees what this other guy was all about, well then, you could be in a better position to accept her, (not that i would). You need to be strong, you need to look determined, If you dont do anything, this will continue, she doesnt respect you or your marriage.

 

In other words, the only way you could possibly "win" her back, is if she rids herself of the illusion of how great this other guy is, and the only way she will, is if the other guy shows his true colors. When she sees what the other guy is and was, and is on her own with nothing, I think she will be missing what she had with you.

 

You have nothing to lose in my books, because, she is gone already, all you can do is put her in the position that will prove to her what the other guy was all about, and prove to her what you will tolerate and not in a marriage. right now, she idealizes the other guy, and thinks your a whimp that can be manipulated anyway she sees fit.

[Wonderwoman]

I admire the fact that you've been able to forgive her, but I don't understand why you have.

 

She hasn't accepted responsibility for what she's done, putting your marriage in jeopardy, hurting you, risking destroying your family.

 

She doesn't show much regret for what she's done.

 

She's not giving you a clear signal that it will never happen again.

 

So, why have you forgiven her exactly?

 

You're making all the efforts here. You're mature enough to go to counselling to try to rise above this. What is she doing in all this? What effort has she put in?

 

These may be things you may not want to face, because after such a long history together and five kids, rocking the boat is not exactly the convenient thing to do. But trust me, if she's cheated on you, there's something wrong or missing with her...she's not woman enough to look into herself and identify it, so she can put it behind her because she's having too much fun being the "naughty wife".

 

You sound like an exceptionally good person. You deserve better than this. So do your kids, by the way...what do you think this would teach them (if and when they find out). If your son's wife were cheating on him the way your wife is cheating on you, would you advise him to stick by her AT ALL COSTS?

[MinziGirl]

OK... i agree with the others. there is no point to save the marriage if she is NOT repentant at all. Now i think she is trying to 'bully' you. That is my opinion.

 

My friend: scripture provides a good way out for you. The Lord have already said that: If a man divorces his wife, EXCEPT ON THE GROUNDS OF SEXUAL IMMORALITY, & marries another, commits adultery. Think about it. Why did the Lord say that? I think He knows the pains & the loss of trust in such a marriage that it is better to divorce.

 

You deserve a better lady. Till you have courage to lose her, this better lady will not appear into your life ( i think)