lonelyfish Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 So awful and crazy! In case you don't know my story: met a guy while he was here for work in October. Went to visit him in November for a few days on the opposite coast and had a blast! Talked, emailed and finally made plans for me to come visit him again in April. Flying out Friday. He calls me four days prior to tell me he's seeing someone but still wants me to come out??? I was like ummm...couldn't you have told me sooner?? He said he's been seeing this girl for a few weeks. What is he going to tell her while I'm staying with him??? Not changing my plans for I need a vacation. Need some advice though. I want to just go out there and have fun and not let this ruin my vacation while letting him know that he didn't hurt me and not seem to care although I do. I want to hold my head high and maybe let him see the cool chick that I am and think hmmm...I'm really missing out on something! Need some guidance and support ](*,) Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 If he is seeing someone else, i would not stay with him. I would stay in a hotel and hang out with him, but NOT get your hopes up about having a relationship with him. He might want to have you on the side and that's NOT a good thing. Link to comment
Jayar Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 You probably lost most of the hope of him thinking he's missing out on something the first time you flew out there. It was, however, completely gone very likely the minute you agreed to fly out again. You'd have been better off insisting HE come see YOU at the very least the first time (not for business). Oh well, I guess you can't change the past... But I wouldn't go out. I know you want to, but it doesn't reflect well on you. It doesn't say "I'm a cool chick, look what you're passing up" it more says "throw whatever you want at me, I can take it! I'm your doormat, Baby!" Best of luck whatever you decide. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 Hey lonely- If you could go anywhere else besides to see him, where would it be? Spend the hundred bucks or so, change your ticket, and go there. Even if it means some extra money for lodging, I think it will be well worth it for you in light of this perceived rejection. I would seriously reconsider your plan to go out there, have fun, and "show him" that you are a cool chick. Then what? Can you honestly and truly accept this situation without emotional recourse? Say good bye on vacation? Some "vacation" that would be. What if you end up meeting this new girlfriend of his? What if they spend time together while you are there? I say this because of your reference to this as a "long distance relationship" in the title of your post here. Either this point wasn't understood by both of you, or his expression of seeing someone else means an end to this relationship. At any rate, this sounds to be shaking you up a lot more than it is for him. And his procrastination with telling you leads me to believe this is hard for him leading me to believe he knows he hurt you with this. Perhaps a talk today or tomorrow, really clear the air and set the record straight as to what the intentions were with this and where things are now. That might be a good idea for a first step here. At any rate, a vacation focused on repressed and hidden feelings doesn't sound appealing to me at all. Link to comment
finewhine Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 That sounds like an AWFUL vacation. I would rethink. At least he respects you well enough to tell you before you came out that he was seeing someone. That's about the only thing this guy has going for him. Also, I don't think it sounds like fun to spend an entire vacation pretending not to care about someone who hurt you. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 Jayar, what do you mean by "not for business" when you were talking about the guy coming out to meet the OP? Link to comment
Jayar Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 Jayar, what do you mean by "not for business" when you were talking about the guy coming out to meet the OP? Oh, just that she said she met him while he was out in her area for business initially... So I'd say the RIGHT thing for her to do would have been insist he come see her the first couple of times (but DEFINITELY the first time, for sure) but to SEE HER, not for business or some other primary reason. She should have been the primary reason for it to have counted as a "visit to her". Know what I mean? Link to comment
lonelyfish Posted March 27, 2007 Author Share Posted March 27, 2007 Thanks for all your comments - I have a lot of thinking to do ASAP! As far as me going out to see him twice - that was my decision as I live in a cold winter climate and he is in nice sunny warm weather year round - I was glad to be making those trips out there. Still confused?? We never discussed a realtionship for the distance was too much and our relationship too new. I was actually going to bring something up this trip though about "us." C'est la vie! Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 Lonelyfish, I hope things work out for you and you are able to come up with an answer that you are happy with. Dating and relationships are hard, esp a LDR. I admire you for being able to be in one. I, for one, probably could not handle an LDR. Link to comment
Thunderforce Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 Oh no! How are you doing? As you know we are in same situation ... well until this, so I can imagine how crushed I would be with this information of my LD. What a timing! To be honoust ... I wouldn't go either. I think it's impossible to play it cool around him! Just let that ticket slide or indeed find another location to spend some holliday-break... but not around this man. You need to take care of yourself now. May'be it was just the beginning of something longterm, I can imagine the hurt to see it fall apart now, with him 'seeing someone' ... I'm so sorry to hear this! Hope you are doing okay! Link to comment
Thunderforce Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 You probably lost most of the hope of him thinking he's missing out on something the first time you flew out there. It was, however, completely gone very likely the minute you agreed to fly out again. You'd have been better off insisting HE come see YOU at the very least the first time (not for business). Oh well, I guess you can't change the past... But I wouldn't go out. I know you want to, but it doesn't reflect well on you. It doesn't say "I'm a cool chick, look what you're passing up" it more says "throw whatever you want at me, I can take it! I'm your doormat, Baby!" Best of luck whatever you decide. Why is it so bad to go as a woman out to see the man? I don't get that! Link to comment
desert_rose26 Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 I don't think you should go see him. You deserve a better vacation. Link to comment
insofar Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Why is it so bad to go as a woman out to see the man? I don't get that! Amen. But I digress. Don't go there. You can't let someone tear your heart up and then expect you to be a good friend in return. It doesn't work that way. Contact a really good friend and see if you can change your ticket and go on a great vacation with them instead. It's worth the $100 to turn a vacation that probably would be horrible into something that should at least give you some happiness in the face of what this guy did to you. Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Thanks for all your comments - I have a lot of thinking to do ASAP! As far as me going out to see him twice - that was my decision as I live in a cold winter climate and he is in nice sunny warm weather year round - I was glad to be making those trips out there. Still confused?? We never discussed a realtionship for the distance was too much and our relationship too new. I was actually going to bring something up this trip though about "us." C'est la vie! Yeah, this makes sense. You never clearly established what you guys "were" because of the distance and lack of time basis for such a relationship. And it is quite exciting to be going to see a love interest in a warm, sunny place. The flowers and kiss at the airport, the new scenery, being away from the daily grind, being on "vacation" together...what an experience! With all that said, I don't think you can lose with this either way (and I have a feeling you will go see him BTW). If you don't go, you can go somewhere else that is sunny and warm and avoid this drama. If you do go, perhaps it will provide a useful impetus to break free from your hopes and dreams associated with this situation and with him. It would be easier to do given the distance for sure. My suggestion is to still wish him the best, change your ticket and go somewhere else, but if you go see him, be prepared to change your ticket and come back early. This happened to me before; I flew accross the country to see a woman who moved after we had been dating seriously for more than a year, drove through a blizzard to tell her I loved her and still wanted to be with her, and she made a date with a guy on the phone right in front of me. Needless to say, after I put my middle finger away, those tickets got changed and I came back a few days early. So be prepared for anything...and remember the bottom line here...he has a girlfriend! Link to comment
RebeccaChow Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Wow, that must hurt.. if he is seeing you in the first place he shouldn't see that new chick!! He's such a jerk.. ask him to not see that new chick if he still wants to see you. He should have more committment!! Take care babe.. he's not worth it. Link to comment
lonelyfish Posted March 29, 2007 Author Share Posted March 29, 2007 Thanks for everyone's well wishes! I consulted with my friends and yes like all of you they told me I would be crazy if I still went out to visit this guy! So I decided not to go. I just can't believe he would tell me 4 days prior! He said he was seeing this girl and then had to make a decision. Since she is there and I'm not he went with her! I don't know, I would like to believe the guy for me wouldn't let distance get in the way. Someone once said one here if LDR's didn't work then this post wouldn't be here! So just after a few weeks this guy is already exclusive with this chick? Strange though he so wanted me to visit still. He said he was looking forward to seeing me again?? What so I could hang out with him and his new girlfriend - I don't get it. Perhaps he wanted me to come out to confirm whether he made the right decision with this new girl? I just don't think many people would have done what he did. Yes, you never know who you could end up meeting but I bought my plane ticket in January. He asked to see me in February but I couldn't get off work. Just bummed for I was so looking forward to this trip. He is a fun guy and we would have had a great time but I was not going to be a third wheel! I think he was surprised I wasn't mad - I held my dignity well. I'll just have to take some satisfaction knowing that sure, maybe he himself is a bit bummed too with me not coming out there. I'm not sure If I'll contact this guy again. He said he may be back my way for business and we could get together as friends. I think he just said that as a friendly gesture, I would be totally surprised if he makes his way here anytime soon. Just going to do no contact with him and make him realize what he's missing for inviting me to still come out I think he wanted to have his cake and eat it too! Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Hey lonely- It sounds like you figured this out and didn't need a trip to see him to do so! Great! Everything you wrote is spot on except the part about not contacting him to "make him realize what he's missing". When you motivate your actions based on the perceived reaction of person you are trying to distance from, you are not really making distance. It would be much better, much more useful and productive for you if you did such for yourself and didn't worry yourself about him or his reactions. This is the essense of truly being "gone", not to show someone something but for you so you can heal, grieve to yourself in your own way however large or small that experience is, and move on. Contact with him even if constrained to your own thoughts and feelings is still contact. At any rate...where are you going now?!?!?!?! Link to comment
lonelyfish Posted March 29, 2007 Author Share Posted March 29, 2007 The no contact thing I said because I think this guy would feel better about himself if I did remain on friendly terms with him. I think he feels very guilty about my vacation getting totally ruined. The guy does have a conscience for telling me about this girl pior to my trip. But yes I have to admit it is nice to believe that I could be a "what if" girl in his mind. I myself have let a few guys slip away from me and then some time later I realized you know they were a great guy! I am still taking next week off from work because I really need a vacation! I am going away to place I call "home" to spend time with family which have been away all winter. Always brings me back to earth whenever I'm there - it's a quaint friendly town. Though I'm trying to plan a tropical trip in the next few months with a friend. I hope to have my head straightened out after a week of R&R, reflection and hopefully some fun! Link to comment
friscodj Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 I am still taking next week off from work because I really need a vacation! I am going away to place I call "home" to spend time with family which have been away all winter. Always brings me back to earth whenever I'm there - it's a quaint friendly town. Though I'm trying to plan a tropical trip in the next few months with a friend. I hope to have my head straightened out after a week of R&R, reflection and hopefully some fun! This is a great idea I think! Enjoy it! Link to comment
zerohalo Posted March 30, 2007 Share Posted March 30, 2007 If the guy says he's seeing someone else, it is not worth the pain. LDR's are hard, and are based on massive amounts of trust. He lost the trust points (just cause he tells you he's seeing someone doesn't make up for that fact). Don't try to show yourself off as being the cool chick. I respect that mentality, it shows confidence, but be confident enough in yourself to walk away from this. Link to comment
Thunderforce Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Lonelyfish! Please let me (us) know how you are doing! Link to comment
arwen Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Hey girl, I think that he told you because deep down he KNEW that this was not right. He didn't have the guts to make the decision, so you had to. I have been there, girl. Not in LDR (well, also in LDR but that was not the guy who pulled this trick...). I can tell you, him doing this is bad for the ego now, but you not giving him the opportunity of having his cake and having it too is so good for your confidence that you will look back at this feeling just a vague pity for whoever he is dating now You will meet a MUCH better man than him. Maybe he lives in your cold climate, but that won't even matter. Arwen Link to comment
lonelyfish Posted April 3, 2007 Author Share Posted April 3, 2007 I'm hanging in there and trying to just relax on the days that I took off for vacation. I'm with family but boy could I use some sunshine! I think I'm more bummed that my vacation got totally ruined rather than things not working out with this guy. I know there are plenty of great guys out there for me just I get disappointed in how people treat each other. I would never have done something like this to a guy had I known he was flying out to spend time with me but I'm a different breed of person. Link to comment
arwen Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 I'm hanging in there and trying to just relax on the days that I took off for vacation. I'm with family but boy could I use some sunshine! I think I'm more bummed that my vacation got totally ruined rather than things not working out with this guy. I know there are plenty of great guys out there for me just I get disappointed in how people treat each other. I would never have done something like this to a guy had I known he was flying out to spend time with me but I'm a different breed of person. I understand that completely. It's more the disappointment in the human kind than a broken heart- but you know, you can be reaffirmed that YOU would never do this to another person. You didn't allow him to do it to you, you stopped it before he could string you along. Kudos for you!!! Arwen Link to comment
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