Hiya

[girl friend]

Hang on hang on, how are you weak. You guys are the strongest people i've ever met!

 

And i know its weak to self-injure in the long run, but its also soooo strong. And what you are doing now, actively trying to stop, to fight it, now that is dam strong. Your amazing. I really respect you.

 

Well done, you're doing great. 4 days sofar.

 

Don't be 2 hard on yourself if you slip up tho hun, just remember how great you did, and how much you reduced it by. True Strength shows in how you pick yourself up and move on.

 

girl friend

[indigo_scar]

Wow- I'm amazed to see you think that, but thank you very much!

 

I can't believe I'm now actually over half way towards a week. I'm bound to slip up though, but like you say, you gotta remember how far you got, and pick yourself up and start again. Last time, I only managed three days, so I guess I have passed my personal target. I just gotta try and stick with it now.

 

Indigo x

[girl friend]

Still doing great hun

[girl friend]

Hey is this day 5?!!!

[jack_k]

Hey man, I'm so the supposed "strong" person in whatever i do... Not boasting, god I'm really not, but I am quite important at work and have so many people who rely on me but none know that i am busy cutting myself at the same time... I think that's the thing that annoys us all - we are strong so why do it?? Hang in and I'm sure you will sort it out...

[indigo_scar]

Yep done five days now! When it gets to midnight i'll have done six!!! This is the longest i've gone...ever.

 

Thanx for you're reply jack. I totally agree with you. We are all these strong people on the outside, yet feel totally different on the outside. It's almost like we build a shell that we know nobody will see through and doubt. What people don't know can't hurt them.

[girl friend]

6 days then indigo scar! That is so brilliant!

 

How's it feel sofar?

 

You guys are strong, but the most important thing is, you dont have to be strong beyond human boundaries. It's ok to cry. Is ok to be sad. Its ok to show human weakness. Its ok to be human! I respect men who will cry when hurt rather than get pissed or shrug it off and pretend not to be at all bothered. once those defense mechanisms get overused, they'll feel the pain far worse than if they'd been able to handle those feelings. You can't shut the pain away forever. As we see, it has to come out, and thats when self-injury occurs.

 

But i mean what i said earlier. I know you guys are strong. Because you can talk about those feelings and admit to it, and you're fighting so hard against self-harm, probably one of the hardest battles to fight.

 

Congratulations again indigo scar.

 

Remember don't be too hard on yourself if you do slip-up. Just think about your record and how it felt and know that you can pick yourself up again.

We're all rooting for you!

 

Good luck1! x6daysx! Woot

 

love

girl friend

[jack_k]

I * * * *ed up. It felt great, I felt like I was getting somewhere. But I went and ruined it all, just because of one little incident. So here I am, back cutting again. The thing is, this time it was like never before. It was different. And scary. I was terrified. So very nearly made a week, but it was never gunna happen.

 

Hey man - I go back after months at a time. I don't think it makes us weaker, but certainly more human. I may be wrong though.. I scare myself sometimes too. I have cut myself so much recently, more than ever before but with the help of this place I can see a small * * * * * of light somewhere. I hope you can too?

 

 

 

That wasn't a swear word??!!!!!!

[indigo_scar]

Hey hey hun

It doesn't matter how bad you fuked up, the point is that you're trying, and making amazing progress.

 

Do you realise how great 6 days are. You did brilliant hun.

 

If you don't mind me asking, do you know what drove you to cut this time??

Do you mean you cut worse this time than ever before?

 

It'll be ok.

you can do this.

Just keep on trying the way that you were, taking it each day at a time, and working with those emotions.

 

Still rooting for you!

And remember you did great! 6 days IS a good record. And i know you can start again.

 

girl friend

 

Thanks so much for your support. Six days was great for me. Im just so angry that I ruined it all!

 

Yeh, I know exactly why I cut this time. It wasnt even something worth cutting over! It just shook me a bit. I'll keep it short, but i'll start from the beginning. Basically, when I was in high school, this dinner lady was concerned about me cuz i never had any lunch. But as you know my parents are weird, so they never gave me any, or any money to get some. And back then, I was too young to get a job to afford food myself. So my dinnerlady thought i was not eating because I thought I needed to lose weight. So she reported me to the headmistress. I was too scared to say what was really going on. But from then on they insisted they watched me eat. I always found excuses or ways to avoid this. I became a pro haha! But looking back, this dinner lady was so nice to me. She seemed mean at the time, but looking back she was only trying to help. But anyway, I hadnt seen her for ages. Until yesterday, when I was in town. I was walking down the street, and there she was! Somehow the sight of her sorta shocked me, and for a minute I just wanted to run up to her and tell her everything, even though I haven't seen her in forever. She came up to me and gave me a hug, and just told me she hoped everything was looking up for me, and that she wished she could have been of support to me. She never even ever knew anything had been wrong, but it was like she could see through me. It felt so nice to have someone who cared. It was strange, because apart from my friends, I've never really felt that before. And it resulted in me going home, crying, and cutting. Pathetic eh?

It wasnt particularly worse than any other time. But it just felt like I was trying to rip away the skin to find who I really was. And I was almost punishing myself for not talking about it all when I had the oppertunity back in high school.

 

I need to try and start again. But it's just so damn difficult.

 

Indigo x

[indigo_scar]

Hey man - I go back after months at a time. I don't think it makes us weaker, but certainly more human. I may be wrong though.. I scare myself sometimes too. I have cut myself so much recently, more than ever before but with the help of this place I can see a small * * * * * of light somewhere. I hope you can too?

 

 

 

That wasn't a swear word??!!!!!!

 

Yeh, I guess it's only human. If you start, then stop, the chances are you're gunna start again. I agree, this place is certainly a great help. I love just being able to openly talk about stuff. That's the one thing I can't do with anyone, because I'm scared of the reactions and stuff. It helps to know people feel the same as yourself, and goes throught the same things.

[girl friend]

Hey indigo scar,

 

I know you can pick yourself up and stop again. When you are ready though.

You mentioned that you cry, thats good you know. BEcause cutting is a maladaptive coping mechanism, it is potentially dangerous and far too defensive, but it IS a coping mechanism. If you try to stop without developing other ways of handling those emotions, other ways of letting those feelings come out (e.g. crying, talking about it, counselling, channelling it into writing or poetry or a journal, revisiting the past, etC) then any stopping attempt is destined to fail as in times of stress the body regressess back to the only real way of coping it knows.

 

I think you're doing alright though, i think you're going to be ok.

Just don't be too hard on yourself for that slip-up. People slip up months or even years after stopping as jack said. At least you know that you don't want to do it, that it made you feel bad afterwards.

 

Good luck!

 

And then they see how bad it made them feel for doing it. And how hard it is to start over, on day 0. And then they see that feeling that bad was NOT compensated for by the way the cutting made them feel. And then they know they don't need it. They can get by without it, because they want to. A/nd then they're not cutters anymore.

 

It wasn't pathetic. It sounds like you're angry about doing it with yourself. IT wasn't pathetic sweetheard, you've been through a lot that wasn't your fault. But how your life turns out now, well that IS up2 you.

[indigo_scar]

I kinda keep this book thing. I put in it all sorts. Poems or songs I write, pictures, anything really. I looked back on it the other day, and some of the stuff I've put in there is shocking really. It reminds me of how I must have been feeling at those times, and how much I don't wanna experience it again. I know I will at some point though.

 

I will try and start again. I just need to get on with it, or else I will lose the will power. Thanks for the luck- I need it!!!

 

I need to change my life, before it becomes a story of my past. That's the one thing I can control. My past can not control my future. I'm gunna make sure of that.

[girl friend]

Great attitude!

 

Good luck!

[indigo_scar]

Thanks! =) I'll have lots of distractions now I think, because me and some friends are in the middle of planning and filming a movie. So that'll take a long time- we're writing our own music and everything. If that doesn't take my mind off other things, nothing will!!

[girl friend]

Haha good luck! Sounds a tad ambitious if not exciting!

 

Distractions may be helpful, but remember they can only take you so far. In the end the most important thing is to be true to yourself, and to allow yourself to think about the past and try to handle those emotions. They'll still be there even if you can ignore them by distraction for a time. ''Wherever you go, there you are.''

 

I like the way you worded it earlier when you said "it just felt like I was trying to rip away the skin to find who I really was." That is powerful stuff, shows deep understanding, deep pain, deep reality, ... all of that can't be ignored constantly hun. You know what i'm saying?

[indigo_scar]

Yeh it is ambitious! Its hard work but were having great fun- we've just bought a great camcorder off ebay for £2! hahaha!

 

Yeh, I agree though. I can't just ignore the pain my whole life. I've gotta deal with it and get past it. Distractions help take your mind away from it, but it is not a permanent solution. After time, you're just gonna come crashing down again. I think the most difficult part is trying to find a different way of thinking- cutting should not be an option. Yet, self harm is the only coping method i've ever know really. I remember trying to break my leg when I was six. If ever found a child of that age trying to do that, I'd be horrified. Little things like that are insentives to get through all this. You gotta crawl through the dark to step out and reach the light.

[girl friend]

Thats a good attitude.

I think you can do it you know!

 

You gone a day without cutting again?

[indigo_scar]

I hope I can! No, not gone another day without cutting yet, but I'm hopeful today will be that day.

[indigo_scar]

I hope I can! No, not gone another day without cutting yet, but I'm hopeful today will be that day.

[girl friend]

Good luck!

[indigo_scar]

One day! =)

[girl friend]

Terriffic!

[girl friend]

Hey indigo, how you doing?

[indigo_scar]

Not great. Had a bummer of a day tbh, for every reason that was physically possible. Even weird little things- today at college, i was walking inside with my friend, when really suddenly i had blood all over my hands! and i looked down and i had a really deep cut on my hand. i dont even know how it happened, there was just suddenly blood. (my mate cud back me up with this) And the odd thing was, i genuinely felt NO pain what so ever- to the fact i considered the blood wasnt even mine! then a weird flap of skin started turning blue, and an ambulance had to be called. it was so embarasing, and i dont know to this minute what on earth happened! Oh well. Apparently at one point i blacked out from blood loss. =/ Its been a totally weird day.

 

Anyway how are you?

[girl friend]

That sounds unusual... what did the doctors say??

Mb you're body is reacting to youre stopping self-injuring?

 

Yeh i'm ok thanks, v tired these days from work, but otherwise rockin!