Why do Dumpers Hate?

[mr_echo]

Briefly, my ex split up with me about 5 weeks ago, it was her decision and it came out of the blue. Of course, I now see some indicators that it was going to happen but I was still very much in love with her. Anyway, post breakup I have been doing NC as much as possible but occasionally I have seen her at work. Coupled with the fact that I got angry and resentful for the first few days after splitting - a feeling that I'd been taken for a ride emotionally, financially etc. which resultred in some sharp exchanges. So to cut a long story short, she has told everybody that she hates me, that I am a bast**d etc. and is acting very hateful (and I mean really hateful) towards me and is focussing on the post breakup exchanges, rather than the split itself. Weirdly only a few weeks before this she was telling everyone how mucch she loved me. I am just wondering what motivates this behaviour as it's been 5 weeks since the split. In short I can't understand why she is putting all this energy into a hate campaign as it is making it very difficult for both of us to move on. Any thoughts gratefully appreciated....

[spunkmaster]

Maybe that is a person's way of trying to separate and break the emotional ties. In a sense that's how she's moving on, would be my guess. Denying the feelings that may still be lingering, I suppose.

[Suesser Tod]

There is more to the story than what you've said on your post. The signals, the way you felt, there is a reason why you felt that way, and there might lie your answer.

 

Come on, spill it, get it out!

[mr_echo]

Spunkmaster/Suesser - thanks for your replies. I do think she has unresolved feelings about things but I think she may have some serious issues as well. As for the signals, which I can clearly see now, they included idealising me at the beginning of the relationship but when she knew I had committed, she began to criticise and devalue me, at first in small things (really small things) and this gradually began to get at me. I think her ex-best friend accused her of using me as a mealticket. However, I only gave her what she asked me for and always encouraged her independence. From what I've read she may have commitmentphobia..

 

As for me, I don't like my generosity being taken advantage of or misrepresented. This is one of my buttons! However, I think it's more about trust. All the things she used to value at the beginning are now the very things she is hatefully criticising me for. She told me that she has high expectations but low self esteem - which I can see now.

 

I just think she's being very destructive...so it's relatively easy for me to do NC as every time I have seen her she has let loose some very congealed rage. So this is really what my question is about, how can people go from totally loving someone to totally hating someone, when it's really unwarranted. I know she has issues with her biological father and her mum is quite controlling. It's just that I feel she is using me as a dumping ground for her issues...

 

I'm just finding it hard to come to terms with it all, s'all.

[CluelessGuy321]

eh, I've seen in other friends' relationships that you never really know another person.

 

Sounds like she has issues with herself more than you, but she's putting it on you.

[mr_echo]

CluelessGuy (lol),

I think this can be very true that we never really know - but breakups can really shed light on the real person inside. She appears to be in denial and doing an awful lot of projecting onto me, so much so, that it's obvious it's her mindset and character she's expressing. It is, to me, quite weird behaviour. I know it's not my place to "help" her anymore but it's just more difficult letting go when the person is being so hateful. I suppose some people thrive on the melodrama.

[PRSOV]

She needs to see a professional... This is more than skin deep.

[mr_echo]

PRSOV - I somehow doubt that she would entertain that idea. I don't even think she really believes there's anything wrong with her. If I suggested as much to her I think she would just start raging. At first, I just thought it was little bit of immaturity but now I'm not sure. She has an enormous cruel streak in her which I've seen close up, not just to me but to others as well. I fear that she will go on to have an extremely unhappy life. I have a mixture of feelings, relief, concern and love over what is happening and it's making it really hard to let go. I really want to do NC but she keeps the ball rolling by her hate campaign to mutual friends. I wish I knew what her problem was - what do you mean by it being more than skin deep? Is this sort of thing treatable? She always seemed to be in a permanent bad mood but not really depressed. She's also quite ambitious career wise but she has no clue about what she wants to do - at first I put it down to impatience/frustration but now I think it runs deeper...