Reflections

[uniballpen]

Hi,

 

Haven't posted in a while,its been just over 3 months since my breakup and i suspose I just wanted to put down in words how I feel

 

-Still think about her alot,too much but not as much as I used to or not with the same degree of intensity,think I should be over her but hey I cared

 

-Went 4O odd days NC but broke to get my bikes off her,all very civil,no talk of relationship,like it never happened,back to 11 days NC

 

-Really angry that she bailed at the first hurdle or am I angry at myself(did I ignore the red flags),still feel foolish,vunerable,used(as a rebound bunny)..hate the coldness..and beneath it all shes a wonderful girl

 

-Kinda looking forward to single life have been on a few dates but very wary of and scared and cynical of women in thier late 20's early 30's clucking and looking for a nice nest egg...why can't they just relax,let things go with the flow

 

-Would love to tell her how I feel but that will get me nowhere,accept its over but would have appreciated it if she said it was going to be a hard time for her too (even if she didnt mean it)

 

-feel there were other things going on in her life and I was the easiest thing to get rid of

 

-feel that I'm getting the whole thing wrong and have no idea how she feels

 

-dont want to contact(but would love to at the same time)I don't want to be the chump she strings along,intentionally or unintentionally

 

-Hope I'm not narcissitic,feels that way sometimes,over analyising stuff to the last and feeling down in the dumps

 

-That said getting on with my life,can sleep well,going out with friends,working hard,

all the whys,if buts maybes aren't going to change anything but the loneliness and sense of loss are acute,thing I'm in the death throes of the last stage of grieving but the the old anger has been known t raise its head at fairly frequent intervals

 

Anyway better go and thanks folks!

 

Thats about it

[AwdreeHpburn]

{{{HUGS}}}

 

 

Sounds like progress. Normal progress......

 

Keep posting. I think it'll help.

 

And keep hangin' in there!

[mr_echo]

uniballpen, you're not narcisstic this is all normal. For what it's worth I am in exactly the same position as you. Except that my ex is an N and has more issues than you can shake a stick at. In the end it's just not worth it cos you don't deserve being treated like that. Time will heal and you will get back to being yourself again. Life will still be wonderful.

[uniballpen]

Txted her at the weekend,giving her a call during the week,she's heading travelling to South America in about a week,to be honest I'm glad she's going,not in a bad way,just out of sight out of mind,she's a great girl,I love her,was going to tell her that I love her but I wont it wouldn't be fair to her,she doesn't love me and doesn't need the guilt for doing whats right for her.....going to have a good friendly chat and wish her all the best!!!!Man I'm sick of being so bloody nice and proper!!!Just tired now,tired of thinking about her,I can feel it coming to a close!....just want to chill out on my own now,don't need anyone,dont want anyone............getting there at last,thank god.....wont be needing enotalone for much longer (I think/I hope) but I've learned alot about myself and compassion....thanks!!!

[uniballpen]

Rang her last week,talked for 1/2 an hour,it was nice,didn't talk about relationship,caught up on families and friends etc,sounded like she wanted to talk more but it wasn't appropriate....she's headingt to South America travelling for two weeks,delighted,wont get a chance to see her...hope that doesn't sound bad,hope I don't feel like this when I get home,feel full of melancoly.....on perfectly rational reflection we were suited very well (obviously not says you)......was going to tell her that I love her but I wont,funnily enough because I do,would only cause her anguish and guilt....miss her loads and loads,miss her chat,her smile,her texts.....she doesn't want to be with me then thats ok...........will probably never see her again..............ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........I know its all about me from now on and yes in the long run she was doing what was right for her and ultimatley right for me..........4 months of it being off and the pain for the most part has resided but the rational feeling of melancoly,regret at a chance missed and a lingering feeling that i'll never do as well again......"friends have said that to me and they are right"....doesn't always end like hollywood

[uniballpen]

Just after writing this post I headed to football with mates,they were at a concert last night and met my ex with a fella.....gutted does not cover how I feel.....just sent her a text which I shouldn't....."The Lads told me they meet u last night,it struck a chord,for what its worth I miss u"....I fell bad about her and the fella,I feel bad about the txt and I feel bad that I cant say f**k it!!!....

[uniballpen]

get this,she replies,i wouldn't have,i'd have said im a physcho....she basically says that it was great meeting my friends,some * * * bits of info etc,says she will email me from her travels etc......I replied if its social chit chat then dont bother,if is about how she feels(or doesnt) then thats ok,safe journey and sorry for being blunt........she hasnt replied....when i put it in words its as clear as mud....what the f**k am i playing at, i know i broke nc but you have to throw caution to the wind,the girl cant communicate at any level bar social chit chat...do i want to be with somebody like that?No,f**K her and the horse she rode in on