Filled with uncertainty

[SugarNSpice]

It's been a while since I was on here, but I always find it to be a great place to come for advice and support. I particularly like reading advice by SuperDave who always has valuable insights. I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but here goes.

 

For the past year, I've been with a wonderful, wonderful man. He and I have a very special, close relationship (or perhaps, I should say "had" because right now we're going through a very difficult time). He and I both have demanding careers that demand our full attention at times: he started his own business a little over a year ago, and I'm writing up my doctoral thesis and starting to look for postdoc positions, and recently got offered a job abroad. This is putting a considerable amount of stress on the relationship in terms of him feeling as though he needs to commit to me (and isn't ready) and that I need to commit to my career. This is just one of a few challenges in our relationship.

 

Last week, he and I fought all week. I can make a lot of excuses and find a lot of reasons why, including that we were both stressed and needed support, but in the end, what it boils down to is that neither of us were loving each other well. Perhaps that's too harsh. Let me not speak for him and simply say that I was not loving him well, and expecting him to be supportive for me when he, himself, was feeling overwhelmed. By Friday night, he had decided he wanted us to break up. I convinced him to take space instead.

 

On Saturday, I was a mess. On Sunday, I managed to make it to the gym and have dinner with my parents, and I felt better. Both days, I didn't give him space. On Saturday, I called him at work, crying. On Sunday, I dropped by his work with coffee and apple pie, but in a positive mood, and it seemed like I hadn't done much damage (I can only hope). He said it was wonderful to see me, that he loved me, that he needs space. Yesterday, I managed to work and felt alright most of the day, until I went to the doctor to do my physical and my HepC antibodies (he has HepC). The doctor asked me if we planned to have children together. I felt sad. I said it would be ideal if it were with him.

 

I came home on the bus, all the time holding in the anxiety that was building up. By the time I walked in the door, I broke down crying and tried to sleep it off. I couldn't. I called him. No answer. I left a heartfelt message. I called him at home. Waited an hour. Called his cell and his home again... no message this time. Finally, I called a friend, crying. I felt better after a while, with my friend being so frank with me and telling me to give it time and space. My boyfriend called while I was on the phone. We had a good conversation but he reiterated that he stands by his decision and needs to be away from me. He also said the timing was right for us to break up, with me having to decide whether to move or not in a few months and him unable to commit yet.

 

I am constantly afraid that I have already lost him. Perhaps I have. Perhaps he has already given up. However, he says we are not broken up but that the future is uncertain. He says that after we've had time to work on ourselves, we can come together again and see how we feel. Space is probably one of the most difficult things for me. Space and patience. This time, I will give him space. I will stop making excuses for myself, stop convincing myself that I need to talk to him, stop having negative thoughts of him forgetting about me and losing our connection. Whether that happens or not, I have no control over it. He has asked for space... not love, not support, not friendship... SPACE.

 

I thought a lot over the weekend about what I did to contribute to this situation. I know I've made mistakes. I beat myself up pretty well. That's enough of that. Yes, I made mistakes, and I'm going to work on the issues that led to those mistakes, but I'm not going to beat myself up anymore. What's done is done. It's in the past. I was selfish at times. I demanded time and support. I put pressure on him to commit when clearly we are not ready for that. I ignored his feelings about a male friend who he distrusts. I allowed myself to be overly emotional and respond intensely and irrationally to small things. I brought a lot of negativity to the relationship.

 

I spent last night reading this forum and listening to the rantings of the "Psycho ex-girlfriend" online. What's sad is that I could see something of me in some of those awful messages. Not to that extent and not now, but before, when I was with an ex-boyfriend, G. I was a mess back then, and I refuse to be that way now. I refuse to humiliate myself and to lose my dignity the way I did before with G. So yes, my boyfriend is not with me now. He may be again, or he may not be, but I am going to be okay. My life is particularly demanding right now. I have to take care of myself, find strength and confidence again, and feel good that he is doing the same for himself.

 

Right then, as I typed that, I felt the need to tell him that... that I'm glad he's taking the time to feel better and work on himself. I don't need to tell him that. I don't need to tell him anything right now. Leaving him to work on himself is enough for him to know that I support him, and that I support this decision. I must be strong now, and you know, I feel alright at this moment. Granted, my moods have been swinging this way and that the last few weeks, but right now, I feel okay. I feel like no matter what happens, I can do what I need to do and take care of myself, and I will be happy again, whether it's with him or not. Don't get me wrong. I am still hopeful, even though hope is my enemy right now, but I will hope silently by myself. I will NOT try to control this situation by manipulating him with my words or my presense. I WILL accept his decision. I will do what I can to be happy without him. I will try to eradicate those negative thoughts, and begin the process of controlling my behaviour.

 

I'm trying so hard to be strong right now. Oh geez, I just want to get through this! I want us to be happy again, for him to feel confident and in control of his life again, for me to feel certain of us... I miss him incredibly, and this will be my first day of NC while he takes space. Do you think this could still work? I know he'll call me in a week or two. What then?

 

Thanks for listening... I really needed to get that out!

[terk2021]

It sounds like you are going through a tough time right now. It sounds like you are both successful in your careers. That is great for you individually. Relationships are about priorities. Careers are important, but there is a popular saying "live to work". I was so into my career for many, many years. It did pay off in many ways. What suffered? My personal life. Both people in a relationship have to be ready for balance in their lives. For a long time, I was not. My relationships suffered, but at the time, it did not bother me too much. That could be because I had not find the right person, or I simply was not ready.

 

In either case, it takes 2 people to make a relationship work. Don't miss understand me. A career is very important for personal achievement. It's important for both people in the relationship to have personal, as well as mutual goals. A relationship is about sacrifice as well. Our careers are important, but we are not saving the world.

 

Everyone's opinion on "space" differs. As for me, I think of space as break up. It means you are apart. It's only my thoughts, but I would let him know how you feel, and what you are looking for in the relationship. That may mean working less hours, or passing up on a few opportunities, to be able to be with the one you want to be with (on both parts).

 

If you want more out of your relationship, and he is putting his emphasis on his career more than you, than it would be good to maybe take a break until he figures out his priorities. There are many ways to have a solid career, and a balanced life. It may mean giving up part of personal goals, but ultimately developing mutual goals in it's place.