Any advice would be great!

[w3rd]

Glad I found this forum today....Heres my story . Any help or thoughts would be great!

 

I dated my girlfriend in high school for about six months....we then broke up and didn't see each other for probably 5 years. We saw each other at a party when we were juniors in college and instantly clicked again. She had just come off a 1 year relationship and so had I. Long story short, we've been dating ever since roughly about 3 years. We have lots of fun, share common interests, get along with each others friends etc.

About a month ago we are spending Saturday night together like usual and everything is great. We had just started going to church together on saturdays and spent the night hanging out at her place by ourselves...no bars just a nice chill evening.

She tells me Monday that she thinks we need to take a break and that she doesn't know if I'm right for her. She doesn't know now if she sees herself spending her life with me. This all happens while she finds out that a grandparent passed away. She doesn't call me to let me know how the funeral went or how her family is doing. She questioned why I didn't call her to ask how she was doing...says I must have not cared. But I didn't call because she told me not to, I was trying to give her space. She said in an email right after we broke up that I never cooked for her or took her to plays and that she doesn't know if I'm right for her.

This all happened the day before valentines day. We've spoken once since then via IM and it was very short just asking why I had been online so much lately.

Our relationship has always been very good. I don't believe that we aren't right for each other...if we've been together for 3 years something is working right.

Should I continue the NC? Its been 19 days since we last spoke to each other on the phone. I'm taking it one day at a time. Some are worse then others though. Any help or advice would be great. FWIW, we are both 23.

 

Sorry for the long read

[heloladies21]

Do you feel like you could acept her final answer if she told you that she's not interested? If not, then you need some more NC. When you feel like you're strong enough to accept things either way, then you can contact her and finalize each others intentions. But beware, if she's not interested at that point, then she never will be and keeping in touch would be no point.

 

Once this situation is all done, come back and we can discuss what things you were doing wrong in the relationship because her grandparents, or cooking had nothing to do with it. Most likely it's because you are one of those "nice guys" and we need to address that problem. And before you even think about saying "But I don't want to be a jerk", it has nothing to do with that. It's all about helping you show your true emotions better and stick up for yourself more.

[w3rd]

Thanks for the reply. I guess some more NC wouldn't hurt. Also, it gives her a chance to reflect on life outside our relationship.

 

I have no problem expressing my emotions whether it be sadness, anger or happiness. I feel like our relationship was pretty well balanced when it came to that. One thing I believe was lacking was communication with regards to her expectations (plays, museums, etc.) I have no problem doing that stuff, it just never came to mind. She sees it as I'm changing who I am if I do that but its more that I'm willing to try anything. Could you elaborate on the "nice guy"

 

I do believe however that relationships can be fixed and worked out if they have a solid foundation. Ours does, we just need to get to that point so we can address what was wrong. I guess thats where the NC comes in.

[heloladies21]

You need to describe your relationship more for me to tell you what the problem is.

[w3rd]

We've known each other for about 10 years. Have been dating for almost 3. We took a break this past summer for 3 weeks. Long story short I was becoming way to comfortable in the relationship and taking it for granted. She called me we went out to dinner, discussed everything and it all fell back into place.

 

I vowed to myself that I would make a awesome effort and never make her think that she didn't mean the world to me. We hang out a couple times during the week and always on the weekend. She is working on her masters and I work full time and am finishing school as well. So we both are busy. I get along with her parents great, same with her and mine.

 

She spends a good amount of time with her friends as I do with mine. She has two roommates who I get along with great...however both are I guess you would say promiscuous. We also share quite a few common friends.

 

We never really fight about much. She is liberal and I'm more moderate so sometimes we get into arguments about politics, religions, sexuality etc. Nothing harmful just some friendly arguing.

 

She has been there for me during some rough times and I have for her. We share feelings, tell each other our problems, vent any frustrations in our lives etc. We always have talked quite a bit during the day.

 

It seemed like a good "normal" relationship to me. I guess I'm blind to the fact of what went wrong. She is stubborn and opinionated and I hope that doesn't work against me here. Her explanation to me is that we were not right for each other. She was "bored" and I "lacked being intuitive" or didn't come up with new things for us to do. There was a lack of "romance" and because of all this I had become the wrong person. However, the week before we were laughing together, having fun and being ourselves.

The whole conversation went very fast. She only gave me short answers and there was an underlying tone that she was pissed off. After all this time thats how it ended. No really explanation except I didn't find new things for us to do and I was the wrong person for her.

 

I had a mutual friends come up to me last night and tell me she had seen my ex. She said she questioned my EXs decision since we had been together so long and had a good relationship...what had she discovered after 3 years that couldn't be worked out? I guess thats where I am right now. Giving her time and trying to figure out what went wrong and when.

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

Man you sound like you are on the right track. I don't by into the whole NC thing if you feel like you are emotionally stable. If you can accept her answer and respect her wish for the breakup then you are good. Something happened and it seems like she became confused. It seems like your are trying to analyze the situation and that wont help. You are a perfectly wonderful person remember you are not reason you broke up, she has/had a problem. KEEP YOUR SELFESTEEM HIGH!

[w3rd]

I feel like I should give it some more time before I contact her. I would prefer that she contact me first though. Thanks for the good words, its defiantly helps. Just gotta take it one day at a time. I guess its true that only time will tell.

[heloladies21]

She was "bored" and I "lacked being intuitive" or didn't come up with new things for us to do. There was a lack of "romance".

#1 reason why relationships fail when there is no obvious reason (like abuse or infedility) is emotional boredom by the chick. This is normally caused by guys who are very unemotional ie. have a hard time showing a full range of emotions.

 

If you do show your anger well, there are still other things you can show and a girl will look for it in such subtle ways. It might seem like being oversensitive, but if she's ever complained about you in the relationship and you kind of shrug it off, she's gonna look at that as apathy.

 

Honestly I need more specifics on problems she brought up or things she complained about while you were together.

[w3rd]

Hmmm, some examples of what she complained about......

 

She said that I left to early/fast the next morning when I would sleep at her place.

 

I never planned anything new or exciting for us to do.

 

Days where we could just sit around all day and watch movies didn't exist.

 

"You wanted to but you didn't" came up a couple of times. That with regards to doing things for her that I wanted to do/should have done but she told me not to. Thats the lack of being intuitive I guess... (a small example is me teaching her to drive a manual. I am a car guy and she wanted to learn/i wanted to teach her, yet after the first lesson we never did it again )

 

Dinner plans were as far a I ever got she said....

 

On our last vacation(which was a lot of fun/relaxing) she said she was upset we didn't spend more alone time together walking down the beach at night or things like that.

 

As much as she complained about our "romantic" side, every time we would stay in she would tell me how nice to was just to have a chill evening. Its not like we were boring....went out to different bars/clubs alot. So it was nice to get a rest once and a while since we were both usually dead from the week. I will try and think of more examples at the gym

[heloladies21]

And how did you usually react when she would complain about the same thing repeatedly, especially when it was about something related to the relationship like not being romantic enough?

[w3rd]

I would say that I understand where shes coming from, but I always thought that there was some romance in our relationship.

 

I tried extremely hard to put together a great birthday this year for her and I did. From scheduling a massage to dinner. I also made a jar of rocks which had 23 reasons why I love you on it and each rock had a different attribute that I loved about her. Flowers in her room, etc. Long story short she loved everything and was extremely surprised by it all.

 

I understand that she wants a certain amount of romance and excitement, I thought it was being taken care of though. Its tough for me living in the NE to do romantic stuff during the winter

 

She was probably looking for more romance on everyday basis? I guess sometimes she would feel like she came second to my work/school.

[heloladies21]

Not exactly, it sounds like you were doing fine in the romance department with those actions. It's a heck of a lot more than I do at least!

 

I still say it has to do with expressing how you feel to her. Some things arecoming through inconsistent to her. Like if she complained about you working a lot and how it means that you don't care about her, if you console her every time it sends her the wrong message. At a certain point, you have to stick up for yourself because she's basically telling you that you don't care about her.

 

It's something along these lines, I've seen it happen too many times to be a coincidence.

[w3rd]

Not exactly, it sounds like you were doing fine in the romance department with those actions. It's a heck of a lot more than I do at least!

 

I still say it has to do with expressing how you feel to her. Some things arecoming through inconsistent to her. Like if she complained about you working a lot and how it means that you don't care about her, if you console her every time it sends her the wrong message. At a certain point, you have to stick up for yourself because she's basically telling you that you don't care about her.

 

It's something along these lines, I've seen it happen too many times to be a coincidence.

How do I go about sticking up for myself? What do you mean by you've seen this to many times? The idea that she thinks I don't care about her or I'm not romantic enough?

[heloladies21]

How do I go about sticking up for myself?

It depends on what the exact problem is. It's hard for me to say just by what you described. Usually when I ask a guy, he'll be like "and she always used to complain about...", or "this was always a problem." You gotta think about it some more because there's something there in this direction, I'm sure of it.

What do you mean by you've seen this to many times? The idea that she thinks I don't care about her or I'm not romantic enough?

Yes, it's rampant, the feelings that a girl gets that her guy doesn't care. Being romantic isn't the problem, it's just a symptom of how she feels, uncared for.

[w3rd]

thanks for the info....How do you suggest I proceed from here?

[heloladies21]

Reread my first post, the advice is still on point.