Feeling sad and, probably, obcessed...

[Me and myself]

Hi all

 

Now that all my hopes about my ex are gone, I'm feeling strange. I think it finally started to really hit me.

I might be repeating my story (I know I am) but I'll tell you again 'cause I need to write about this...

Even when I was doing no contact, I kept receiving her e-mails with those chain letters and funny power point attachements. I never replied, I've deleted her contact from MSN, never go Hi5's site (where I contacted her first and both we have a profile there).

After one month of NC, she started to text me every weekends and, at the second one, I decided to sent her an e-mail basically saying that if she doesn't have nothing more to offer me than her friendship, should stop trying to contact me. In that e-mail I took the opportunty to vent some issues like, for example, why does she wanted to be my friend is she was always comparing me to her friends and ex-boyfriends, etc.

She replied, a bit pissed off, but again and once more, told me I was an extraordinary person, a pure soul with a giant heart and, in spite things din't worked out, she will never forget me.

I replied her mostly because she, once again, told me that she would never go back to me because she will never forget that I've dumped her two times in a cold and insensitive way, acting by an impulse (finally she dumped me and I asked her to go back...but she said NO).

I told her I got something to tell that I was not aware of, while we were dating, and that losing her made me look, for the first time, to all the relationships I had in my life, ours included. I have been a game player with my girlfriends because I was always seeking for their approval and, dumping her twice was part of the game. I asked her for her forgiveness but I was not aware of doing these games. But now, that I know what was happening inside my mind, I was trying to change so that I can be a better person, better than I am today.

She replied, said thanks for show her that I trust her to the point of telling her these intimate things, that might upset her. Almost at the end of her e-mail she finally confessed something I was suspicious about, even when we were dating. She told me she didn't moved on from her last relationship. She didn't wanted to do it but she only understood that too late. She said also she didn't look for another relationship, since the break up, and that she had decided to stay that way.

Again, told me she will never forget me and will always be my friend, when I want or need her.

So, this was our closure "talking" and, after that I went in NC mode again (almost a week now).

She stoped to sending me e-mails, even the chain letters I've told you about...that was my last link to her. I know she's leaving me alone, she's doing what I've asked for. So, that's a fact: the final closure has come and it really hurts. I'm feeling sad...

I know I shall see this as a new chapter in my life..I've been trying to do that since I started NC, one month ago, but now my motivation has gone weaker. I still am doing what I have to do to improve myself but it feels like not making sense being doing it for a future relationship that I don't know when will come. But I will try to keep all my efforts.

I'm trying to think positive. Everytime I start to think about something that bothers me, I force myself to think about any other thing, an happy or neutral thought. I'm listening to some self-help audio files (hypnotizing and subliminal tapes), reading self-esteem affirmations twice a day, reading books about relationships' communication, about confidence, Neuro Linguistic Programming, write e-mails that I will never send, post here to take things out of my chest or to help others with my feedback, I will see the movie "The Secret" to understand that Law of Attraction thing.

I'm starting to think I'm a bit obcessed about my self improvement. I'm doing so many things that I'm not shure if I'm going in the right direction for my self improvement.

 

Now I feel bothered 'cause my best friend might be hanging around her taking the opportunity to try his chance. I'm not shure if this happening but it bothers me to the point that I feel anxious when I meet him, instead of felling that pleasure you feel when you meet your friends. But I'm trying to use this situation in my favour by trying to do some activities alone, which I was never able to do due to a lack of self-confidence.

 

So, yesterday I had a good day. I was in a good mood and was not feeling obcessed about what happened, neither about what might be happening in my ex's life (and my friend).

I'm forcing my self to think only about today and now...Thats a hell of a task, really hard to achieve since I'm the kind of guy that always thinks ahead in time.

In the meanwhile, today I'm not feeling that good...It seems a part of me stopped to exist. I feel so sad and empty...

[robowarrior]

Bring the power of your life back where it belongs namely in your hands, show some spine and do not contact her again, contacting her again only makes you look weak, and you don't want to have the word ' doormat ' written over you, it seems that there have been quite some arguments in the past, but its better not to because arguments only poison the relationship only bring love and light into the lives of your loved ones, so refuse to give another spin to that wheel of hatred, i basically think she had her chance and is done for, you might always love her but a restart is not what you should be looking for, look for another gf.

[SadOldMan]

robowarrior: Seriously man, I love your posts. Blunt, but so honest.