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Another one of those days......


I feel spilt between happiness and sadness.


Part of me feels pretty good, I've been exercising regularly and it's amazing how it affects my mood. My whole day is so nice compared to before.


Then I feel a little sad as well.


I've tried to be strong, but sometimes I don't hold it together as well as I like.


I'm in a waiting period. The things I really desire will only come with time.

I'm learning patience.

If you would have asked me before I would have said I was a very patient person, but I realize that I've so much more to learn in that department.


I've been thinking about my ex off and on. He was a very abusive person. I knew for a fact that he would kill me on a couple of occasions, luckly I was always provided with an out (a way to escape).


Why do I think of him?


I think maybe it's because I'm ready to face that part of my life that seemed so surreal and distant.


I was raped right after I closed the case with my ex (a month after).

Rape came with depression, PTSD, and anxiety disorder along with many other things...so I didn't have an opportunity to really think about the relationship.


I feel sad because I've been abused. I feel sad that it happened to me.


I don't know if words can describe how I feel, I feel like it's not my life. Like, despite everything I still don't believe it happened to me.


And I think about the rape and the whole situation, just so that I won't forget it happened.

Because I don't want to go along one day, happy after putting the situation out of my mind, just for someone to bring it up and shatter my new existence.


I'm afraid that if I forget..........it'll happen again.


I don't understand how this happened. Logically, yes, it's clear. But it's like it just doesn't register with my heart, my being.


I just don't want to think of it. I'm afraid to think of it. I'm afraid to accept that this happened to me.

I can think about it, and talk about it, but part of me.......part of me won't accept it.


Part of me doesn't want it to be me.

I don't want it to be me!

I don't. I don't want to accept it, the responsibility.


I feel like there is so much responsibility that comes with rape ya know.

I have to be extra careful about everything. Everything, just to make sure it doesn't happen again.


And it's hard, hard knowing that it's their word against mine. Ariel and Jonathan, their word against mine.

How horrible it makes me feel.

It hurts so bad.


Does it mean that I think they're better than me???


I don't think so because I believe them to carry evil in them.


But..........how do I keep from being attacked again.


And it's so embarrasing to admit that I thought she was my friend.

I so embarrased, and stupid. I mean.........

To love someone who hates you so much.


It'll always hurt.


I just can't believe...........I can't believe.

If I were to really take it all in, I.......I don't know how much it would damage me.

I've already been damaged enough.


I just wanted a normal life. A happy life.


And I don't want to be attacked again, not physically, not verbally........and it almost seems impossible to keep that from happening.


I have a responsibility to protect myself, and I've done a horrible job.


I'm worried ya know. It was like the last three years of my life vanished from time, my memory, almost non-existent. Like I was a zombie, or an outsider witnessing what was happening in my life.

And now.....I'm worried it'll all come rushing back to me.

That it'll become so real.


Why does life sometimes seem like an uphill battle?


I'll be strong. I will. I'll take it a little at a time. And if I can't keep myself safe, then I just have to accept that I tried my best and that's all I can ever do.

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