My situation (long)

[otterloo]

First of all, thanks for taking the time to read my post.

 

Currently I am in a long distance relationship of about 6 months. We began our relationship in the same city but the last 5+ months have been spent 2 hours apart from each other. I guess things have deteriorated over the past few weeks to the point that we were fighting a lot. I told her that I thought it was best to take a small break to think things over because it really wasn't working out. Initially our relationship was great. We never fought, which I really wasn't accustomed to since my past gf and I fought constantly. Speaking of my ex, I entered into this relationship after only about 2.5 months of being single (the relationship was long-term and we were living together). I'm now wondering if I rushed into this too quickly and the thrill of being with someone else overhelmed me with happiness and filled the void.

 

Anyway... the break made me realize a lot of things but it is still unclear to me on what action to take. She has emailed me saying that she knows that she wants to continue the relationship and that it will only be 2 more months until we get to spend the summer together. We both recognize that we have problems but I do not know if they can be resolved or not.

 

I am starting to be bothered by our age difference (She is 19, turning 20 in a few months and I am 23). Additionally, I am finding that she is getting progressively more pessimistic about life, etc and it wasn't always like that. I also feel that we have gotten into too much of a routine and that she isn't open enough with me when she is upset.

 

I certainly am not without my faults. I have definitely been aggrevated by the distance and have got into such a routine that I do not put in the necessary effort to make her feel as special as she should. I am also not so great with communicating my problems with her and don't always trust her because of her flirty nature and the fact that I'm not around much.

 

Lastly, one of the most important concerns I have is that the long-distance is very hard on her. This is magnified by the fact that she wants to be in constant communication and she doesn't understand my desire to work hard in university. She sees me as someone who works too hard and doesn't accept my desire to succeed. Next year I will be attempting to gain a professional designation in accounting and this will only require a greater time committment which could further jeapardize our relationships future. After this semester we will still have 2 years of long-distance because of her schooling. On the other hand, I do not exactly understand her ways either. I see a lot of potential in her academically, but instead of studying she will spend all day on msn and facebook. I feel somewhat that she spends too much time waiting around to talk to me that she is missing out on time with her friends. She has become quite anti-social and this is not how she seemed to be in her first year of university. She says that she is maturing but I know she is upset by her situation with her friends.

 

I would definitely like to act quickly because it's unfair for her to be sitting around not knowing what is going on, but I fear making the wrong decision. I often feel that breaking up will be the best thing for both of us in the long-run but despite all of our problems it makes me sad to think about life without her.

 

Wow, it was good getting all that off my chest. I would really appreciate any insight that anyone may have. Thanks.

[otterloo]

Update: Almost immediately after I posted that message she called me. She was a wreck and I feel terrible for making her feel that way, though I hope that I can see past that and make the correct decision. She wanted to know which way I was leaning towards. I could only tell her that I was still unsure. It ripped me apart to see how in love she is with me and yet I am hurting her so much. She actually brought up many of our issues on the phone which I didn't know that she had awknowledged, and she even offered a few solutions such as speaking with each other less (but better quality discussions) so school and other things can also be a priority. I'm beginning to think that she truly deserves a second chance, though I hope this is not out of guilt. The way I see it is that this break can help significantly in changing our relationship for the better. If things are still problematic in a few weeks then I can reassess the situtation. Hope that doesn't sound too stupid, it has got to be the emotions

 

By the way, I forgot to mention in the first post that we speak daily, often multiple times and we usually see each other every other weekend.

[never-too-late]

Hello oterloo,

 

I can so completely understand you and your girlfriend. Believe it or not, I am in the exactly same situation as your girlfriend is. My thread "Where is where I need him" under Break-up explains it all how I have been feeling about my boyfriend's pulling away from me.

 

Anyway, if I can explain to you how your girlfriend might feel, you may have a better understanding of her behaviour. She loves you and she misses you. She is finding the distance hard especially if you have been focusing less on the relationship and more on yourself.

 

I am finding that she is getting progressively more pessimistic about life, etc and it wasn't always like that. I also feel that we have gotten into too much of a routine and that she isn't open enough with me when she is upset.

 

She is not getting pesimistic about her life. You are misinterpreting her reactions. She is just really upset that she cannot see you. Women express their emotions much easier than men and the men immediately seem to think that it's all bad. But it's not. She is not open enough when upset because yes women do close up. She might feel neglected by you and that is why she is closing up. Ask yourself when was the last time you did something for her to make her smile, to make her feel cared for, to make her feel special? Your girlfriend is probably sad because she thinks yuo don't love her anymore and she isn't as important to you as she used to be.

 

The problem is that once a man sees his woman unhappy or sad, he pulls away, hoping a problem will go away and things will improve. He thinks that there is somethig wrong with the relationship and with his girlfriend. But I think this is only making things worse. I do agree that taking a small break from each other helps to gain some perspective but you might be actually hurting her by pulling away from her. This is the way you want to deal with the problem but she might need communication. She needs that connection with you. You need to ask her how does she feel and consider her feelings and try to reflect on them yourself.

 

I have definitely been aggrevated by the distance and have got into such a routine that I do not put in the necessary effort to make her feel as special as she should. I am also not so great with communicating my problems with her

 

You see and this is what I have just explained to you. You are not putting any efforts into making her feel special. I believe that in a long-distance relationship you need to put even more efforts into your relationship. You guys cannot meet often, you cannot see each other and you are far from each other. You not putting too much effort into it is makig her feel that she is loosing you and your love, she is worried that the relationship has become unimportant to you, she is upset that you don't show her anymore as you used to how much you lover her. I am not saying you must spend all your time doing this, you are right that the two people need to have interests, hobbies, responsibilities outside their relationship but if she does not feel secure in the relationship, knowing that you do care and you want this to work, she will worry about the relationship and she will become sad and unsociable.

 

For us women, a good functioning relationship is much more important sometimes than a job. If we feel loved, we achieve the most. However, if we feel unloved, we achieve little. For a man a relationship usually comes as second, career comes first. If he feels good about his career, he feels good about himself.

 

she wants to be in constant communication and she doesn't understand my desire to work hard in university. She sees me as someone who works too hard and doesn't accept my desire to succeed.

 

You are again misunderstanding her here. She needs constant communication because you might have lessened your efforts. She is insecure. If you did not pull away, asked for break, she would not be so worried. Sometimes what helps is to communicate to her in a way that makes her feel secure so you both are happy because she gives you the space to concentrate on your studies. If you reassure her that you lover her and she is very special to you and you think of her but you need to concentrate right now and you need some time to focus and you will make it up to her, you will notice the difference. She will be ok. However, you need to understand that she is not doing this in order to prevent you from succeeding. She just loves you. She wants you to succeed but she just misses you. However, it all depends on do you communicate your wish to be left alone for a bit. It's good that you work hard and you want to achieve something and I am sure she respects you for that!

 

I feel somewhat that she spends too much time waiting around to talk to me that she is missing out on time with her friends. She has become quite anti-social and this is not how she seemed to be in her first year of university. She says that she is maturing but I know she is upset by her situation with her friends

 

I believe she has become a little dependant on you, which is unfortunate. However, I believe it's the fact that she might miss you so much, she just really needs that connection with you, that reassurance. You know my boyfriend has become so focused on his work and so stressed out with it that I feel really neglected. I feel unimportant. I cannot concentrate on anything properly and I sometimes isolate myself from others. It's because I am afraid of loosing him and I don't want the whole world to know how I am feeling. She is younger than me but she might not be as strong to deal with it better. But as soon as my boyfriend makes small things to make me feel better, I suddenly feel like going out, meeting my friends, I feel great. But I know to some extent it's wrong on my part as I rely on him too much and I need to become more independent so she might need to do the same but maybe you need to explain this to her in a gentle way.

 

She was a wreck and I feel terrible for making her feel that way

 

She is a wreck because taking a break is hurting her. As I said it's not the best option how to deal with the problems. She is hurting and she is very sad as you have become uncertain about her and the relationship. You are showing her your doubts and she is afraid of loosing you. She needs to know where she stands. Doubts are hurtful to her. She needs that reassurance. You feel terrible for making her feel that way but you might not even realise that taking a break has made her feel really insecure about your feelings for her.

 

Also I don't think it's always fair for you to solve all the problems. My boyfriend is exactly like you. He will decide to pull away from me to reasses the situation. It's breaking me when he does this. I wish he would communicate with me what bothers him, what do I do wrong so we can both know and solve it together. You may think that now the situation is better. Well, it may be for a while but I still think that if you do not communicate with her about this properly and if you do not make more efforts, it will repeat itself and the relationship will become more and more unhappy.

 

Anyway, I hope I could explain to you how your girlfriend might feel. She is desperately looking for some answers from you in order to feel secure and happy.

 

Do you love her and are you in love with her? Is she important to you? I just wonder as you sound as if she is the one who is in love and you are the one who is unsure? If you do not lover her, maybe you might need to re-consider as you are only making her feel sad by the lack of your love for her?

 

I was just wondering if you would tell me what is that you expect from your girl to do now in order to make the situation better. Sometimes it's so easy to look at all the wrong instead of knowing what would make us happier.

 

And one more question if you wouldn't mind answering for me. My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship as well, we have been together 3 years but the situation is same maybe worse. He has become so focused on his work, he wants to change his job as he isn't happy with his current one, he is applying for new jobs, he is going through some major stress so I feel our relationship has become unimportant. He says right now his job is on his mind so he does not want to deal with relationship talks. I miss him so much and I am so upset and worried that he might not love me anymore. I upset him a couple of days ago as i have become needy and I told him that we are loosing each other and I feel like we don't care about our relationship so much anymore and I don't feel special. Well, he told me that I am on the wrong track and I dont understand him and I dont respect him as he has explained to me that he has a lot to deal with right now. He said I am loosing him more and more with this. So i told him that I am sorry and that I will let him focus as I want him to do well and I am here for him. However, I have not heard from him for 2 days and it makes me feel worried. Do you have any help? He is also applying for a job near my city and he has 2 big interviews coming up in 2 weeks time and he said we can meet that weekend. However, now that he is upset it worries me that he might not come back? Can you please explain to me what is going on in his mind and what should I do? You seem to be exactly like him and I really love him and don't want to loose him you know. But he also stopped making all the efforts for me to feel special

 

Anyway, I hope I could help you and you feel better now! I am glad I found your post as this situation is very similar to mine and I really want to understand you and my boyfriend.

 

Thank you and good luck! If you need any more help, I am here.

 

Never-too-late

[otterloo]

Thank you very much for your perspective. It has clarified a lot of things for me. I realize that I haven't been the best boyfriend and that doing the small things can have a significant impact on our relationship and her morale. I do love her and want to put in the extra effort to make things work, especially since we will be living in the same city very shortly. I guess I do push away when we have major problems because I do not fight well when I am angry or discouraged. I tend to make things worse in such a situation I think. Also, it doesn't help that much of our communication is on msn. Fighting on msn is not recommended. This is something that we should really avoid and I need to work on. Moreover, I think that many of our problems are actually a result of my lack of communication. When she first moved away we should've set some guidelines for communication, etc. I have not voiced my opinion enough on the issues that are bothering me.

 

Since you ask, I guess my expectations would be that she communicate more with me when she has a problem. I feel like I cannot get problems out of her when she is clearly upset. I think that I am a decent listener and if the problems involve us then we can attempt to resolve them. I also wish she was more independent. I think she would definitely be happier this way. I know that she misses going out with friends, but I feel that she waits around for me to come online to talk with her a lot. Again this could probably be solved by setting out times to communicate but I do wonder if she would remain on msn, etc anyway. I just want her to be happy and I don't think such a reliance on one person is healthy. I do think that I can make her happy though.

 

I am not totally familiar with your situation but could it be that he is trying to change jobs so he can lessen his stress and focus more on your relationship? Perhaps just going through the recruiting process is something that he deems worth it so things can be better in the long-run. He shouldn't be completely neglecting you though. It is often difficult for myself (and most other guys) to openly communicate. Our egos get in the way I guess. In order to communicate we definitely need to establish a great deal of trust. I'm not saying you don't have that, I just thought it was worth mentioning.

 

It sounds like a tough situation because he got aggitated from your discussion, but perhaps you can try to use this time to work on loving yourself and learning how to enjoy life that is independent of him because this in an important aspect of all relationships. Just try going out with your friends and have some fun to take your mind off it. Then I'm sure he would really appreciate a call when you are happier. Also, make certain that you show an interest in his endeavours and that you are supportive of him. If he is applying to jobs in your city, maybe he wants to be closer to you and get more serious. Make sure that he knows you miss him but that you understand that it is a tough time for him. If he knows that you understand then I'm sure he will be in a better position to understand that you are missing him. I'm sure that no matter how busy he is he can salvage the time to speak with you for at least 10 to 15 minutes a day. I'm guessing he is just worried that your current relationship problems will have an impact on his interviews, etc. but if you conversations are more enjoyable then he will gladly accept them. I don't know why, but a career is very important to men. I suppose that it is a measure of our success in life (sad, I know), but you must keep this in mind.

 

I wish you all the best with your relationship and thanks for your insight

[never-too-late]

Hello,

 

I am glad I could help and I really hope you can now understand your girlfriend better!! If you need more help, I can help.

 

I also want to thank you for your insight. I am just wondering if I should contact my boyfriend or not? The last time we had contact was on Saturday. He told me that he has 2 interviews near my city and so he will meet me in 2 weeks time. I was happy for that. But then I started to text him and I told him that I miss him so much and we don't seem to care about our relationship so much anymore and I am worried that we are loosing each other and I need to talk to him.

 

He texted me back and he said that I am not on the right track if I cannot understand him that he has a lot of stress right now. He said that he warned me that he will be very busy and he said if I cannot respect it, he has no other choice but to leave. I told him that I respect it and he said that I always say it but I always end up talking to him about our relationship and he said he is getting fed up with it. He said that I know that he is not at the best mind frame right now so why do I always bring this topic about us? He said that I should make my mind up and to either accept it and don't talk to him about this or not to accept it. But he said that mixing it it's too hard for him. It's been like this for the last month, I always say I will let him focus but then I always end up questioning him about his feelings and us and asking him if he cares and if he wants to be with me...

 

Anyway, I realised that it was too much so I said I was sorry and I hope he was well. He said that I say sorry like usual but it's always the same and nothing changes. He told me that if I realise that I am loosing him more and more?

 

So I texted him back and I said that I understand him and that I realise that right now he does not need other worries. I said I realise it puts too much pressure on him. I said I care about him and I want him to do well and I said I will not bother him with such things again. I told him that I appreciate all the efforts he gives and I am here if he needs me.

 

this was on Sunday and I have not heard anything back? I am not quite sure if I should text him or if I should leave him alone or if I should be worried? Do you think the last text was ok?

[otterloo]

I think that your last text was fine as long as it was the truth. It is obvious that you care for him, and frankly I think you should be the one that is frustrate, not him. You are showing interest in his life and telling him how much you care, while he is completely ignoring you and your needs. You are feeling as though your relationship is vulnerable though, so I wouldn't push him. I do think it would be okay to contact him to see how things are going and to show that you care because 2 weeks can be a long time without any contact, so long as you can avoid bringing up any of your relationship issues. Those would be better discussed when he will be better able to concentrate on them ie. when he is less stressed and won't immediately get angry at you bringing up the issue.