Am I being paranoid?? help me!!

[livinda_vidaloca]

hello everyone, this is my first post here, and im hoping someone can provide me with some answers! right where to start? i need some neutral peoples opinions please!! male and female! right, been with my boyfriend nearly 3 years, i trust him and he has told me he has never cheated on me, but this last weekend, (he comes home from uni every weekend) i was having a sneaky nose on his phone while he went out (which he normally doesnt mind me doing) looking at his photos and messages etc, and i found some messages from a girl at his uni, one saying something like "you should come over again soon, havent seen you in a while" (he tells me what he does every day at uni but never mentioned going over to a girls house) and so i checked his outbox and found a couple of messages to her one message saying "happy birthday for fri, wish i could be there"

now im probably just being paranoid which is why im writing this to have other peoples opinions, anyway i decided to ask him about them, so i said could i have a look at his messages, and he got quite defensive, like he was joking, but wouldnt let me look, anyway i nipped to the loo and when i came back he offered me his phone and said i can look, so i looked in his inbox and all the other messages were there that i had seen earlier, but not the messages to and from this girl!! now that just made me feel like he was hiding something from me. I didnt want to confront him about it as he didnt know i had looked at his messages before as i never said anything to him. what should i do?? do you think i should just forget about it? i dont think he is cheating on me, but it doesnt stop me thinking that he is hiding something from me! and i hate that feeling! help me please!

[splashdown]

Yes, he's hiding something from you and yes, you're being paranoid and nosy. You should really just be upfront and ask him. Honesty is the best policy, after all. If he's got some side action, better to know now.

[Jayar]

Just know that you will not stop him from hiding things from you by confronting him... You will simply make him better at hiding things. Leave it be for now, and then in a few weeks/months' time have another look secretly. If there's something outrightly suspicious, add that to the fact he hid her from you from the get go, and dump him just because. And don't ever mention her or the phone. There you go, you're not even guilty.

 

Look, a guy who is going to cheat will cheat. And you can't stop him. But what you can do is be a smart fox and catch him. If he's cheating, ESPECIALLY if he doesn't think you're wise to it, he will trip up. If he knows you're wise to it he'll still cheat he'll just hide it better. He'll still probably trip up (or she will trip up when her nesting instinct kicks in and she wants him for herself) it will just take a lot longer.

 

All the best!

[Jayar]

Yes, he's hiding something from you and yes, you're being paranoid and nosy. You should really just be upfront and ask him. Honesty is the best policy, after all. If he's got some side action, better to know now.

 

Except 99% likelihood he will NOT admit it, will turn it around on her (as in, you're snooping) and she STILL won't know for sure, and all she accomplished was raising his awareness that she is onto something and make him better at hiding it from her. And got into a fight with him.

 

Honesty isn't the best policy here. Cheaters typically aren't the most honest species. I think that beyond relationship ettiquite, she owes it to herself to protect herself PHYSICALLY. Look, if he's a cheater he's also a liar. Being honest with him puts HER at a disadvantage only, and puts HIM at a complete advantage. And if he isn't cheating, then she won't find anything incriminating as time goes on anyway, so no harm no foul.

 

Remember, dating is the probationary period before marriage. Keep your eyes and ears open, and your mouth closed for best results. That's the one way you're certain to see your significant others' true colours. Which are the colours that will show as time goes on anyway. With or without the honesty/confrontation/nagging. JMO.

[splashdown]

Well, Jayar, I suspect we just have a difference of approaches.

 

I despise all the gaming and trapping and trying to catch your loved-one out. The bottom line for me is, if I don't trust the person I'm dating, I shouldn't be dating her. And vice-versa.

 

I think honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. Keeping it hidden and pretending you don't have a concern is a great recipe for building resentment and mistrust, which will ultimately doom the relationship anyway. I know this from long and sad experience.

 

Snooping and playing games will kill it anyway...just air it out!

[livinda_vidaloca]

wow thanx for your replys everyone! greatly apreciated! so i think i will keep quiet, which is what i was thinking of doing anyway, i didnt want to make him feel like i dont trust him cuz if he genuinely isnt doing anything wrong it would hurt him to think i didnt trust him. so il be quiet, and hope i dont find anything else! thankyou!

[never-too-late]

Hi there,

 

I am sorry for the way you are feeling! Please don't feel guilty for looking through his phone, we all do it... anyway, I would talk to him about it. It's only going to eat you inside and you will act all weird around him and he will pick up on that and things will be strange between you two.

 

I definitely think that you should talk to him as he has deleted the messages. I have some guy friends, who are close to me but I also have a boyfriend. I do not write things to my guy friends like "I wish I could be there".. I would probably say something "sorry I cannot be there, enjoy the party".. you know what I mean? I mean friends usually talk to each other in a different way if you know what I mean.

 

If I found messages like this in my boyfriend's phone from a girl, I would definitely think that there is something going on and I would talk to him about it and if he gets all defensive than that's even worse.

 

Sorry I don't mean to make you feel worried but I think if he had nothing to hide but he would not have deleted them.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I would confront him about the emails and the messages. Even IF they were innocent and nothing romantic is going on there are some issues here that are toxic to your relationship and there is no going back.

 

The first issue here is he hid this from you. Which shows me that there is a serious flaw in your relationship in the grand scheme of things. If your relationship was true and thriving, he would have told you about this new lady friend of his at school and that he has visited her on a few occasions. The fact he was not even compelled to approach you about this screams volumes.

 

The second issue is you snooped. And now you found something damaging, you lost trust in him. No trust=no relationship. Now, you have to take moment and think about your boundries. Do your boundries entail your partner being friends with the opposite sex, what are you boundries about lying and sneaking? Think about what you want and expect from your partner.

 

Chances are he is going to downplay this and perhaps turn this on you. Berate you for snooping and so forth and you need to be prepared for that. The choice is ulitmately yours. If it were me, I would end it. I deserve nothing less than complete honesty. And you do to. Let us know how things turn out.

 

Good luck.

[splashdown]

Look, he's cheating. The trust is broken. The only thing you can do now that will make you feel good is pay him back in kind. Get a lover. Don't rub his nose in it, just do it.

 

Whoa whoa whoa! Let's slow down a bit.

 

She found a couple of very innocuous messages on his cell. This is not proof positive of cheating. There may very well be a perfectly innocent explanation. He is clearly hiding something, but it may be he just didn't want to have to explain to his gf why other girls are texting him.

 

Sometimes I think there are a lot of very bitter ex's on this board...

[never-too-late]

I agree that some people on this board are bitter and make other people immediately believe the worst. You could be a bit more sympathetic yokeydokey. I mean she was just asking for an advice what to do and not for conlusions that he is a cheat. She needs to talk to him about it first before getting herself a lover. I think that would be immature in my eyes if you want to talk about maturity here.

[splashdown]

that's a very naive observation. he's doing what nearly every person on the planet does when they are out of their lover's presense. Male of female. Did you go to college?

 

Um, I really don't know what to say. Your experience does not match mine.

 

Not everyone cheats, and one fairly innocent incident does not make a cheater. Maybe you've had some bad luck in love, but that's hardly enough to indict every human on the planet.

[livinda_vidaloca]

yeah i totaly agree btw, i would never get myself a lover just to get revenge! that may be ok for people out there without a conscience but i could never do that as it would mess with my head too much! maybe people out there feel the need to get revenge, i just need an answer.

[livinda_vidaloca]

sorry need to say this, duno if it will change anyones opinion tho, but my guy he is a very genuinely friendly guy, he has always had girl mates, i am just worried about the wording in the messages, and how he deleted them from me. he doesnt hide messgaes from his female flat mates, but i figured this was cuz he has nothing to hide about her, and he thinks i would never feel threatened by her, (even tho any girl could be a threat to me really cudnt they? how do i know who he would rather shag? lol)

[livinda_vidaloca]

thankyou for your concern

[splashdown]

Well, you are in a bit of a dilemma.

 

1) You snooped and found some messages from another girl.

 

2) You doubly snooped by pretending you hadn't seen the messages and asked to see his phone.

 

3) He deleted the messages and THEN showed you. Which is certainly reason for suspicion.

 

If it really concerns you, you can choose to come clean and tell him what you saw and ask him what the deal is. Another choice is to sneak around and spy on him. A third choice is to trust that he isn't cheating on you and let it go.

 

I think it's clear which would be my choice, but in any case, good luck.

[ant-toe-knee]

it is a tough situation, important to be vigilant yet honesty and the sharing of feelings (however ridiculous you may feel) is the most important thing. if u get to the point where u feel really paranoid and unable to voice your concerns then your in a bad place, but you seem like a laid back girl to be honest. every situation is different for every couple and the saddest thing about relationships is that only YOU know what is best to do! i learnt this only recently, u can ask for all the advice in the world but deep deep down u know what u really want/have to do...

[sophie274]

Hey !

 

You replied on my thread so I figured I would reply on yours. =)

 

I don't think the messages themselves were anything particularly juicy - they sounded plain friendly to me, and I would be ok if my boyfriend sent and got messages like that to and from girls.

 

However, I do find it a bit strange that he had not told you about this girl, and also that he went through and deleted those messages. If my bf had found something like that on my phone, I would have said "oh that's so and so etc ...". What I would do is bring it up with him, something along the lines of : "I apologize for looking in your phone, but I did find some messages there that concern me since you've never told me about being at this girl's house, and especially since you went and deleted them afterwards." See what he says.

 

Now there is either nothing going or something going on, and he can either lie or tell the truth. What I would do is choose to trust him and believe him (unless it's obvious he is lying or you have a huge gut instinct moment), but record this incident and just be mindful of other signs he might be giving you.

 

Also I disagree with yokeydokey that he is cheating for sure. Plenty of people are at college and are faithful!

[livinda_vidaloca]

thankyou! for some great words of advice i dont believe he is cheating, but i have to think like that or it would really eat me up inside, and the more i think about it the more i think maybe it is just me being paranoid, so i will bear it mind what i found and keep my eye open, maybe its nothing to worry about

[kellbell]

Yes, I want to reiterate that I do not necessarily think he is cheating per sae but the fact that he has not told you about her, hid these messages from you and was not even compelled to communicate to you about this...shows me there is a big flaw in your relationship. And that NEEDS to be addressed. You cannot let this go. This whole situation is going to be that black cloud hovering over your relationship until you sort this out.

 

This will eat at you until you get the truth or at least talk to him about your concerns. Your concerns should not be about this girl per sae but the fact your boyfriend hid this from you and was not compelled to communicate this with you at all. Communication is the key foundation in any healthy and thriving relationship. Do NOT let this go.