Long Story - Ladies I need Advice !

[justme3924]

I am having a major problem because my relationship is so confusing now. I will give you a synopsis:

 

Back in November of 2002 my girlfriend and I of four years had been having problems for about a year. It was mostly petty stuff but it kinda snowballed out of control. We both reached a point where we were threatening to leave each other every time we got heated. I really love this woman and have since the day I met her and I believe she loves me deeply too. But petty stuff along the way began to create baggage and in November of 2002 we had a major fight over the same stuff we always fought about and I was really frustrated and this time I said ok "its over". Well this same situation had happened to me from her before but this time I was really frustrated and I did the immature deed. Well the next morning I went over and apologized and said hey we need to go get some counseling or something to learn how to better deal with this stuff. She said no way its over. Well, long story short it took me about two weeks but she finally gave in and said ok. We planned some counseling but couldn't get in until after X-mas. We made an appointment for January but then one of my best friends was killed in a plane crash and I was forced to cancel. Anyways, we never went in for counseling. Then in February the same type of fight happened and the same thing went down to a T. We were both in the wrong. The next day I said here we are again this isn't working the way we are doing it we need some help. She wouldn't give me the time of day. She said she needed a week to think about us continuing the relationship and I said ok and hung tight. A week later we get together and she tells me this relationship wasn't right for her anymore. I was devastated! I couldn't understand how a she could write me a wonderful letter no more then 3 weeks earlier telling me how I mean the world to her and how she cant wait to we get married and have kids. Yada, Yada, Yada. I pretty much begged and pleaded for us to give it six months and go to counseling and see if we can learn a better way to understand each other. To make this short for two months I tried everything I could. I was blamed, made to feel worthless and pretty much just driven into the ground by her. After trying all that I could and her being so very cold to me I said "hey I don't deserve this" I must move on. I even went in and talked to someone for a month so that I could clear my head without involving those who know and cared about me and worry them. After one last attempt I thought to myself how unfair this was and I said in my mind " I don't deserve this! I have done all I could do I have done my best to make things right and try to turn over a new leaf with her. Forget it. I am a good natured guy who is very loyal and committed I shouldn't have to chase the woman who told me she wanted to be with me forever around. I would have done just about anything but the "Hard-girl" role she plaid with me just wore me out when I was laying it all on the table.

 

So one night after being apart for about three months I went out by myself and met two very cool girls. I became friends with both of them and it was nice to have a girl to vent to. Anyways long story short. One of these girls I met became friends with benefits we just had a lot in common and neither of us were attached and maybe a little lonely. So we began to be intimate together on occasion. It was really nothing more for me I didn't see a future nor did either one of us want one it was just nice being easy together something very low maintenance. Yet, I was still very heart broken and in love with my ex. I really missed her very badly and I was torn between feeling guilty for being with someone to being angry she would go the distance for us.

 

My ex catches wind of the fact that I have been hanging out with a girl and next thing you know here she is again. I would see her drive by on occasion to check up on me and all of the sudden after being a complete jerk to me when I was a bleeding heart she somehow is having second thoughts. She starts calling and asking me questions about my involvement with this other girl. I had never lied to her ever in four years but at this point I felt it was none of her business. She didn't want to be with me anymore when I would have done anything. Long story short here again: One day I am packing up my truck to go camping with my new "friend" and here comes my ex down the road. My new friend was to be here within the ½ our. Well my ex shows up hysterical and confronts me asking if I have been with this girl and frankly at this point I was a little scared of her and what how she might react so I say no. It was a lie. I would have told the truth if it wasn't such an awkward circumstance. I hate to lie or be lied to. But I did what I thought at the time was best. I truly did think it was the best thing to do at that moment. I wasn't involved anymore with her and her standing in my front yard as I await my friend to go out of town wasn't the best situation either. So I go out of town. When I get back my ex has taken the liberty to use an extra key to my house and let herself in and go through my stuff and email. In addition, she has piled everything I ever gave her in a pile in my living room with an evil letter. She took the opportunity of me being gone to do her own investigation into things.

 

FAST FORWARD

 

Things got ugly but I still loved her so much. She told me that she would forgive me for being with another woman while apart if I could forgive her. I understand that people do things they don't mean sometimes so I conceded. The deal was to go to consoling and do things right from now on. My friend that I spoke of earlier was very understanding and cool about everything. She was a true friend and honestly just wanted me to be happy. She stepped aside. But both her and I wanted to just be friends from here on out plus she was moving a few hours away to a different city. So I get back together with my ex and hope to keep my friend as a long distance pen-pal. She was a very real person and very respectful she never would overstep her bounds. Myself I am ultra loyal and have always been to both friends and girlfriends. But my ex insisted I never speak to this friend ever again. I held my ground tooth and nail that – that really wasn't fair. Long story short there after a month of saying that is unrealistic I finally gave in and agreed to break the now plutonic friendship off for the betterment of my relationship with the woman I love. I did so reluctantly because this was a person who really cared about me and not what I could do for her but for me and vice versa. Its rare and I saw that so it was hard.

 

FAST FORWARD

 

So now I have broken the friendship off and we have been going to consoling for two months now. But my ex is obsessed with the fact I was with someone else. Her moods fluctuate. One moment everything is fine the next she is standoffish with me because "she gets visions of me with the other girl". It's a roller coaster ride. There isn't any consistency to our relationship. One moment everything is great but then I find myself with someone who doesn't seem to really care for me. She is excessively emotional, she focuses on things that aren't healthy & we don't move forward. I have been with her for four years. I love her but I have come to a point were I am much more clear on what I want in life. I feel like I am a horrible person when I am not - I do so many things that many guys don't. I am giving with my communication, love, understanding, commitment and time. Nothing seems to be good enough. She has always had a problem letting go of stuff but this thing is really dragging me down. I am 28 now I met her when I was 24, I love her but I don't know what to do. I know this is a lot but I really need some intelligent advice from some of you. It will be very much appreciated and taken to heart.

[Mar]

Hey, you definitely have had a lot on your plate, and from the sound of it, you're on the right track. If your g/f can't let go of the fact that you were with another woman, regardless of the fact that you two weren't together at the time and that you'd tried everything in your power to hang on to her, then don't you think she's being very selfish? That's how it comes accross to me.

 

You said you've gone to counseling, which I commend you for-not many couples actually make that much of an attempt. And if that's not working (which, from the sound of it it most definitely ISN'T) then I would say it's time to move on, which, from what I was reading, you're close to anyway. Love is a about being in a partnership, and being on the same level as the person you're with, it's not about being reminded of things in your past that don't involve the person you're with, it's not about accusations and cruelty and selfishness. It's about giving and receiving, affection, sharing and compromise. If there's a problem, you work it out together, or give it your best shot, at any rate.

 

I know the big difficulty is when to know when it's time to call it quits. To my mind, if I'm THAT unhappy and lonely in a relationship and have given it everything I have for as long as I can, then I'm not where I need to be, and not with the person I'm supposed to be with. No one should be lonely with someone they love, and who supposedly loves them.

 

It's easy for people to tell you to break up with her because things are going badly, but it comes down to how YOU feel about it. Just evaluate your relationship, ask yourself if this is where you want to be in it, can you reasonably see it changing after all you've done, etc. If you get a bunch of "no's", then it's time to go.

 

Good luck, and remember that you're not alone-we're always here if you need us.

[maynards_razorblade69]

You should never ever break off any friendship for a sake of a girlfriend. Even if, at the time, your girlfriend seems as if she's always going to be there for you, the truth is, it's probably going to end sometime, and if it doesn't, and you get married, then even when you're married you need friends. Your friend now feels used, and hurt, even if she did accept the fact calmly that you weren't allowed to see or write to her again. Friends will always be there for you, your girlfriends won't.

Your girlfriend, if she didn't have any boyfriends in the time that you two wre apart, then that's her fault, and at least YOU got on with your life. She waited around, and that her own fault. She can't order you around, or tell you whether you're allowed to have another girlfriend or not. And when two people break up, then it's natural for them to find someone else to heal the heartbreak, or for a change of scene. You did the right thing, and your ''friend'' sounds very nice.

So...first things first, I'd write and letter to your friend, saying that you are VERY sorry for your stupid behaviour, that you miss her, that you have broken up with your ex and want to see her again. Explain that it could be just friends, so she doesn't think she's being used, but if she wants to take it further then you can. You must explain how stupid you think you are (even if you don't), that you haven't got over your ex yet, but you are trying, and that you really need an old friend through this. If she's a true friend then she should be there for you.

I don't think you deserve all the crap your old ex gave you, you realise that she was ordering you around, and that she wanted to rule your life for you? Well, that's how it seems to me anyway. Write a letter to your ex, explain that things could NEVER work out between the two of you (convince yourself of that as well) and that you are tired of her silly, petty games.

Well, hope I helped, good luck. I hope you really do get over your ex, and she seems pretty nasty to me.

Cya.

Post back your reply and tell me if it worked, if you try it that is.

[-Shy-]

wow that sounds like my ex and i. We argue a lot for stupid reasons and we bring up some old memories that we never got over... so i find myself in a position where i am also seekin advice. Its true we love each other a lot and she lives pretty far. But i truly do miss her and i'd wait till she gets back. GL with ur relationship with your new "friend" and your ex also.

 

Keep it true. Keep it koo