Nagging Thoughts

[XplodingBoy]

Short summary: My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years, lived together for about 2 years. She's moved out and left for a week or two a few times before and then came back. She moved out and left a month ago and this time moved back to her home state where she has some friends and family. She has family here, but not too many friends. Anyway, her reasons for leaving are that she was unhappy here and that we would fight rather frequently. I also was neglectful, took her for granted, and had let my affections slide. She calls or texts me almost every day. She tells me that she misses me and loves me. She has thought about coming back, but is very afraid that nothing will be different and very afraid of disappointing or angering her family and friends after all they've done to help her move. I have begun to make changes that I think brought us here. I'm now in therapy. I think we still have a chance of being together and having a great relationship.

 

She is young and has always been the type of person to listen to and trust what others say over her own voice. My sister and a friend attest to this about her. We had many, many arguments about her not making decisions and me being responsible for always having to say what we do and when we do it. I know that it is a bad character trait of hers and I tried to help her work on it and wish I could more. However, that is how she is. She just tends to not trust or listen to herself much. I'm fairly sure that the times we have broken up, including now, her friends and family had a lot of influence on her decisions.

 

So, with that in mind about her, these are my thoughts.

 

I feel like if I don't keep the thought of her coming home fresh that she will listen more to the other side and be convinced to stay away. I know it sounds terrible. I just think that I really need to keep telling her that I want to be with her, that I believe in us, and that I think that we can be happy together. I feel like she pulls away when I pull back and that when I am affectionate and warm, she is the same in return. I feel like if I pull away too much, she will have people telling her to move on, and she will listen, despite how she feels. I feel like I'm walking a fine line between encouraging, suggesting that we be together and pushing, pressuring her away.

 

For example, her question to me yesterday, "Do you think I did the right thing by moving?" My instincts and knowledge of being with her for 3 years tell me that she is asking me this question because she is asking it of herself and looking for an answer to herself. Yesterday, I told her, "Yes, because it made me realize what you mean to me and there are things that I need to change. I am working hard on those changes and am going to keep working. I want to share them with you. I think we can be really happy together now and be all that we've both wanted to be." Tonight, we were talking on the phone and I decided that I wanted to add to my answer. So, I told her, "My answer to your question is more of a yes and a no. Yes, because of the reasons that I said yesterday, and I mean it all. No, because I think our love is strong enough that we could have worked it out." I told her that the time apart is good for us and that with what I've been working on, I think that we can now be that couple that talks things out and works through them. I then asked her what her answer to her own question was. She gave me unconvincing, unsure, "Ummmm.. (pause) Yeah? I think that if I would've stayed there in Utah, I would have just been gone for a week or so and then go running back to you like I have before." I told her that she wasn't really "running back to me" if that is what she wanted. She tried to clarify that she meant that she felt weak and unable to leave me (not in those exact words).

 

The advice I have been receiving is to back off, let her make a step toward me, take care of me, don't pressure her, give her time to think about what I've said, be there for her if she wants to talk about us, don't gush, don't push, take it slow, take it easy, be steady, be understanding, and back up my words with action. I've tried aspects of that all, probably not as the advice was intended. I've tried to not be in her face, but only speak about my feelings when I felt I had an opportunity. I have rarely called or text her first, instead letting her initiate almost all of our contact, which is almost every day. She has even thanked me for giving her space. I have not pleaded nor begged, or even asked her to come home. I have tried pretending that I'm not availble or busy, but I just feel like I'm playing a game and my instincts tell me it is wrong. My instincts tell me that I am doing the right things, for the most part, but then I sometimes wonder if my instincts are wishful thinking. I believe that I need to tell her that I want to be with her, that I love her, that I miss her, and that we can be good and happy together, just not constantly. I believe that I do need to give her some time to think about me and us and my words between the times that I tell her those things.

 

If my thoughts, feelings, and instincts are correct, there are possible drawbacks. She may think or assume that I am waiting for her to come back or that I'm going to be here for her, no matter what. This may help her to slowly heal and move on without me. This may make me less attractive to her, because I'm not a challenge. This may prevent her from feeling herself fully miss me. However, I think that my chance of reconciliation is better if I follow my instincts and help her feel like the decision to come home is a good one.

 

So, this is what is in my heart and mind. What do you think?

 

-Ken

[rocio]

Maybe she's wise to listen to her friends and family. If they are trying to keep her away from you, why do you think that is? They love her and objectively want what's best for her. Maybe you're not what's best for her.

 

What steps have you taken to fix things from your end? You're talking about playing games - not being too available because she wants a challenge. Games are a waste of your energy, IMO. Stick with the therapy, but don't just show up at the sessions and feel like your job is done. Put some honest thought into what you are willing and able to change in your behavior, and if it's not consistent with what she needs, let her go.

[fnlyfrei]

What she said. ^^^^^

 

Wow you are good Amber. isn't ANYTHING left to say !

[rocio]

What she said. ^^^^^

 

Wow you are good Amber. isn't ANYTHING left to say !

 

Yeah, from the way I authoritatively give advice, you'd almost think I was capable of running my own life. Unfortunately, I'm clueless.

[XplodingBoy]

I understand your point about her friends and family wanting what is best for her. You asked why I think it is that they are telling her to stay away. My answer is that she has not been happy, and that they want her to be happy. I realize that it has been mostly my fault that she is unhappy, and I realize what I have done, and want to change it.

 

What steps have I taken to fix things from my end? I am taking a hard, deep look at myself and being very honest with myself about what brought me to this point. I am committed to the therapy process, going each week, being completely open and honest. I am really working on making the changes that I feel have brought us to this point. I want to change these things because I don't like them either. I really believe that most of the problems between us were my doing, my fears, my neglect. I am working hard to change the way that I think about these things. I am also looking objectively at the way I've been in the relationship. I made her the center of my world and expected the same from her. I think I created an unrealistic expectation for a relationship that either of us could ever achieve, instead of just being happy with what we had. I regret it and want it to be different. I am really looking at the overall relationship, and not just the ending.

 

I think the changes that I am working on are consistent with her needs and wants. We have very similar values and views. We both want long term commitment and a family. She is still telling me she wants these things. I don't think the core of our friendship and attraction has changed. I think that the outer surface has eroded and I know that it is mostly me to blame.

 

Games are a waste of energy and I don't want to do that. I know that we still have a deep love and connection. I really want to be sharing all of the benefits of my changes with her. I have been analyzing and working on my communication skills. I think that we can work our issues through now. Before, she has been afraid to tell me how she really feels and I would never listen. I'm ready to listen, I want to listen. I want to have long discussions about how we feel and work with those feelings. I really believe that we can be good together and be really happy.

[rocio]

This isn't the first time you left. You probably said you were going to change each of the previous times. She came back and you didn't change. So you need to convince her that things will be different this time. Give her concrete examples of things you have changed and steps you are taking to better yourself. That's what she needs to hear. Don't worry, after a long relationship like that, she's not going to just stop needing you overnight. Encourage her to take as long as you both need before getting back together. If you try to take things too fast, she may feel that you're insincere or that the problems haven,t had enough time to be resolved.

 

I wish you the best.

[XplodingBoy]

Thank you Amber!

 

I have had similar thoughts. I really want to be able to show her and share with her what I'm working on and changes that I'm making. I just haven't known the best way of doing that with her so far away. I can and have told her about things that I'm working on, but I don't think it's very convincing to just hear about it. I am telling her examples of changes, but she thinks that I will just stop it all if she came back. She told me that.

 

I did promise her changes that I didn't follow through with the previous times she left. She has pointed that out repeatedly. I don't know exactly how to let her know that I am really committed to change this time. I really want things to be different so that we can be happy and have a lasting relationship. I really do want it to be different.

 

She says that she doesn't believe all that I am telling her and that I am just trying to get her back. I told her that I understand why she thinks that. I told her that I am only telling her what I truly feel and believe.

 

I have agreed with her reasons for leaving. I have told her that I think it is a good thing for us. I have told her that I want to be with her and that I think it will be good and we will be happy, but I haven't asked her to come back or told her that she should come back.

 

Any other advice for helping me show her that I am very sincere and committed to making changes for us to not have the same relationship that she was unhappy with?

 

-Ken