NC broken...but I feel quite good?

[Steve316]

So, I checked my phone last night after leaving it upstairs for an hour or so, and guess what? Yep, a missed call and a voicemail from the ex. I listened to the voicemail and she sounded ok, just calling to see how things were and wondering if calling was ok. She said I could give her a call back but if I didn't want to speak to her it was ok.

 

Anyway, as she sounded normal and not like the last time we spoke, I decided to call her. I waited an hour or so to get myself together. We spoke for about 20-25 minutes and it went really quite well I think. We were both laughing and joking around, and didn't get into any discussion that was too serious (although I'm not saying we didn't pretend nothing had happened) and it was good you know? She also said that the break up had only just hit her at the start of this week! We both agreed to stay in touch, and also that we would arrange to meet up at some point...although nothing concrete was planned since this was still the first conversation we had had, so a meeting is maybe a bit too soon still. Then, I had only put the phone down a minute or two and got a text saying 'Good to speak to you, Im glad everything is ok with you. Keep in touch'. I just replied saying pretty much the same and that was that.

 

So...I'm glad we are on speaking terms as it was doing my head in wondering what she was thinking and I'm know a bit happier knowing that she still cares and we can still laugh etc. I KNOW I can't afford to build my hopes up about things, and my view just now is to play it cool, don't bring up anything re: getting back together, be myself, and let her decide if we have any kind of future other than friends.

 

Views?

 

And before anyone jumps in with 'NC NC NC NC', I swear I am ok. I think I have been honest enough on here by now for people to know I am telling the truth...

[Scotcha]

If you can keep in touch with her and not look for "signs" that the two of you might be back together.. If you can keep in touch with her and be satisfied with only a friendship.. Then I don't see a problem with it.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I always have felt that a person would never break up with his/her partner if she/he truly wanted to be in the relationship. Yes, she may have called, to check in, catch up, exchange pleasantries but I would not read into anything as yet. Go by her actions, not just her words.

 

I am sure you feel a great sense of relief that you had a pleasant conversation but the fact still remains, you are no longer in a relationship with her. "Dumpers" feel an extreme sense of guilt when they end the relationship and usually wants to be in good graces with the "dumpee" often to ease the guilt. She may be feeling that way at the moment.

 

I would have to advise to keep busy with your own life, put yourself first, hang with your friends and try not to read into what happened with your ex too much.

 

Hang in there.

[blender]

The most important thing is to be honest with YOURSELF, and if you are having contact in "hopes" of reconciliation, then just be aware of this and set some emotional boundaries for yourself.. if she was "just feeling the result of the break up" well then it might be best for her to "feel that loss" a bit longer to allow the opportunity for her to "discover authentic feelings"...

 

because sometimes allowing contacting can interrupt this "opportunity" of "discovery" and the "friendly banter and contact" may feel comforting to you, but might just be something different for the ex, because it alleviates the guilt and curiosity on the exes part and they never get the "opportunity" to want to make an intentional effort to work at the relationship they lost...because they don't have to, they get to have contact with out intent of reconciliation... so....

 

be careful not to "re-define" yourself as a "buddy" in her life, unless you are truly okay with being just that.. so take it slow, don't initiate anymore contact for now.... let go, and get busy with your own life for today... doing so is the most healing and attractive thing for you to do....

 

Unless the ex calls to specifically say that they want to "try again"...well...then just know that unless you set some boundaries/values and standards for your own heart, they will not do so either....

 

Take care of you right now... let her have the "opportunity" to miss you, and respect your space and let her know at some point that if she is not intentionally contacting you out of a chance at reconciliation then perhaps the most self respecting thing to ask for is "No contact" so that you may heal and move on...

 

Just my thoughts.. again, be honest with yourself.. and her..

[Steve316]

Pretty good advice blender.

 

I obviously can't deny that I still have hopes of a reconciliation at some point but I know that forcing the issue would definitely not be the answer.

 

Like you say, I think I will do as I already was, and let her initiate any contact for a while before I get sucked into always contacting first, waiting on replies etc.

 

I guess every situation is different and I will have to ride it out for now. All I can do is see what happens?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

How long has it been since your breakup?

 

People who did not have acrimonious breakups can sometimes scale it back to being just friends, but it usually takes some time right after the breakup to heal your emotions and feelings.

 

The key though is to keep doing a reality check on your own emotions and expectations to keep them in alignment with what is really going on between you two. Lots of time, one person thinks they are working towards getting back together, while the other person is just thinking friends, or a familiar friends with benefits situation until they find someone else. so you need to be very open with yourself and her as to what your own thoughts and expectations are, or you could find yourself spending your time yearning to reunite with her when there is no real chance of that.

 

but if you are feeling fine, and staying open and honest with each other as to your status with each other, then maybe it can work. but if you find yourself putting off dating other people or hoping for things that aren't happening, then that is when scaling back the contact with her is warranted.

[blender]

yes, do NOT initiate any contact, and you might also want to set some values, standards regarding why and if you even choose to "respond" to any contact from her.. if she does call again, and she might, especially if you just let go.. well then I think it's important to ask her "why" she is contacting you, have the self respect to clearly ask her what her "intent" is in contacting you... don't be afraid to hear the truth from her, it will set you free to heal, or to reconcile...

 

Again the MOST POWERFUL, HEALING AND ATTRACTIVE choice for you right now is to maintain "no contact and be clear on where YOUR heart is"..... this is the mature, respectful, classy, realistic, loving, healing choice. And it also allows her the "opportunity" to discover "authentic feelings" and also allows her the "opportunity" to contact you ONLY if her intent is sincere and clearly about wanting to "try again as a couple"...

 

anything less, is less, and will leave you feel "less" in the long run...

 

Take care of you, she does NOT hold the key to your happiness, or validation..that can only come from you, for yourself. And again the most attractive quality you can have is your own independence, happiness, and self respect... so if you feel you are "compromising any of these important qualities" just so you can have the "fix" of contact with her.. then stop yourself, think, breathe, let go.. and maintain no contact... heal, feel empowered by the self respecting choice to not allow yourself to be in someone's life "half way"....

[Steve316]

Its been just over 3 weeks now. I know that doesn't sound long in the grand scheme of things, but when you have spoken to someone everyday for 4.5 years it seems like an absolute age!

 

Right now, I have to say dating is not high on my agenda, although if someone approached me, then who knows? I guess it would just depend on the situation at the time.

 

As I say, I can't really read anything more into it just now. We've had one friendly conversation and that's it. She seemed pleased to be talking to me but as others have said, maybe this is her conscience at work. I don't know though, she did seem really genuine and I didn't give the impression I was suffering.

 

At the moment, I feel getting back together is not IMPOSSIBLE, but highly unlikely...and if anything did happen, it would not be anytime soon.

 

I have to be honest, I was paranoid that I was being ridiculed etc by her, her friends etc (I have no actual reason to think this), and am now relieved that this is not the case at all and she has no ill thoughts towards me.

[jordan1234]

this si just how my ex and i got back togehter. I think if you ignore her then you are only completely closing the lines of communication. IF you can HANDLE the conversations then i think its fine if not ideal whats happening to you. I do think though that it takes time. a 4.5 year relationship is long and its very hard to end. For any chance of reconcile it will have to take a long time for her and you. I find that the longer the relationship the longer the time it takes to make the decison to go back. I would say stick with what you are doing, continue to move on, and see what happens. you did very well though...

[Steve316]

this si just how my ex and i got back togehter. I think if you ignore her then you are only completely closing the lines of communication. IF you can HANDLE the conversations then i think its fine if not ideal whats happening to you. I do think though that it takes time. a 4.5 year relationship is long and its very hard to end. For any chance of reconcile it will have to take a long time for her and you. I find that the longer the relationship the longer the time it takes to make the decison to go back. I would say stick with what you are doing, continue to move on, and see what happens. you did very well though...

 

I am still planning to go travelling at the end of the year. Strangely, I hope that I do have to face a dilemma when it comes to booking (i.e. is this friendship leading anywhere, should I go?), but on the other hand, I hope I do not have to face such a decision! I honestly couldn't say what I would do. I guess I would need a firm answer from her but there is no poin thinking about that just now, a few months is a long time in cases like this.

 

I think I can handle the conversations - I even joked about having people 'after her' and she should watch herself!! (Trust me people, this is the type of humour we shared, she does NOT think I am serious! ).

[jordan1234]

I would give this longer than a few months. I'm telling you I think you should definitely go away on your trip. don't even hesitate. If you start planning your life around her at all at any stage of the complicated getting back period then your toast. Take it from me. book it. plan to go on it alone. plan everything alone. And see where things go....

[Steve316]

I would give this longer than a few months. I'm telling you I think you should definitely go away on your trip. don't even hesitate. If you start planning your life around her at all at any stage of the complicated getting back period then your toast. Take it from me. book it. plan to go on it alone. plan everything alone. And see where things go....

 

Yeah, I think you're right. I would be going with friends (but I take it from 'alone' you just mean not with her) so it would be a great trip and the thought of it has actually kept me going over the last couple of weeks.

 

I have not mentioned any such plan to her yet though, I don't think I will for a while either. I feel like the trip is 'mine' and want to keep it as my own for now you know?

[jordan1234]

Yeah, I think you're right. I would be going with friends (but I take it from 'alone' you just mean not with her) so it would be a great trip and the thought of it has actually kept me going over the last couple of weeks.

 

I have not mentioned any such plan to her yet though, I don't think I will for a while either. I feel like the trip is 'mine' and want to keep it as my own for now you know?

 

 

Yeah i meant without her. The hardest part is undertsasnding it takes tiem. This is something that i am grappling with since it has been 4 weeks since i have heard from my ex at all. Last time we broke up there was a little contatc early on. even though we were only together for less than a year it took months for us to feel comfortable again and her to realize she wnated things. It takes time to trust....my friend is psychologist and has stated it takes 8 weeks to really have all emotion drain away and really look at a person objectively with a clear mind. This can be good or bad, but can only happen with clear insights. My ex and i were very close and really got along so well. she is just very guarded and i think had trouble letting go of some baggage. it could be over for good this time, but i am going to give it months. the key is if they call i think you should answer. show its doesnt bother you. looking pety is worse than lookng needy in my opinion....

[Steve316]

I think I managed the call pretty well last night. I made absolutely no mention of getting back together, or feeling bad, or even how I was feeling at first. I told her I was going to the gym too and she was surprised at that but said "good for you" and we joked about how she wouldn't recognise me whenever we met up again.

[jordan1234]

I think I managed the call pretty well last night. I made absolutely no mention of getting back together, or feeling bad, or even how I was feeling at first. I told her I was going to the gym too and she was surprised at that but said "good for you" and we joked about how she wouldn't recognise me whenever we met up again.

 

Saty the course....let her only have the times you were together as a reference....if she thinks she made a mistake she'll come back. In the meantime do all of the things you love to do and enjoy yourself. Im telling you this is the winnning combination.

[Steve316]

Well, must admit, I have felt a little down and confused at times today (although not all day). I woke up this morning and just instantly thought "What am I doing, she doesn't want me back!" and I am pretty sure that's probably true too.

 

It is a horrible situation I am in. I WANT to be her friend, I want to do NC, but I don't want to be wondering what she's up to. Even my thinking behind doing NC is for the wrong reasons (i.e. she'll miss me, want me back etc) ](*,)

[blender]

Whatever your "feelings" about NC are, or whatever your "expectations" regarding it might be, the "fact" is it's the most courageous, classiest, healing, self empowering choice for right now, as tough as it is to do, the "right" thing to do is usually the most difficult at first. But you can do this, and you will heal, and you will have YOUR choice on with whom you want to invest and share your energy and love...

 

Acceptance is key, just try to "accept" that for right now she is not willing to make an exclusive intentional effort to committ on being a couple.. do not take this personally, just take it "practically".. because for right now regardless of "feelings" the "fact" is she's not ready, willing or emotionally able to give YOU what YOU deserve from a relationship.

 

Just look at the effect "contact" had on you... those first feelings of "hope" then the realization of "it might not mean anything more than curiosity/guilt on her part"... and of course you "want" to be her friend, but for right now the most important thing to concentrate on is what you "need".. and for today you "need" to take care of you, on your own, breathe, cry, separate "feelings from facts" and remember that unless the ex is making a sincere intentional loving effort to be in your life as a significant partner, there is no "healthy emotionaly reason" for you to have contact for right now...it's too soon, and it also might remove the valuable "opportunity" for her to discover any "authentic feelings"... this takes time..

 

No need to declare "no contact" to her, but instead, just make a deal with yourself for "today" one day at a time, that you will "let go" and get busy with your own life... and remember that any contact could have a possible "set back effect" on you emotionally, especially if it's not sincerely at the level your heart is aching for... I know I've been there, too afraid to let go, but then so hurt by the "casual contact" and not being able to fully express and share the intamcy of the relationship anymore.. it's not worth it.. it's just not.. not right now while you are still so emotionally vulnerable.

 

so be honest with yourself and what you know you can handle in the "big picture" and be careful of "re-acting to your feelings" by choosing to stay in contact with her even if it's in responding to her contact, instead just "feeling your feelings"...work through them on your own.. take time to "heal" a bit... keep going to the gym, work on yourself for YOU, and all the wonderful endless possibilities and love that await you.....either with the ex at some point or with someone new... for right now your only project is YOU, celebrate you, take care of you, go to the gym for you, get busy with your own life.. that is the most healing and attractive thing to do..