Disentangling Friends

[kate111]

Is it better to separate friends and have them take sides?

 

How have people handled the friends you have in common?

[Parsley]

Well with my current ex...he managed to alienate all our mutual friends before we broke up, so that was handy for me! I got full custody of them all lol

 

With my previous ex however...it was very different. All our friends were friends. One of my best friends is his sister! Another best friend kept checking with me that it was ok that they talked still. I think you just have to make sure they don't feel like they have to take sides. Obviously I had friends that were drawn to me, others went to him...but there was never a divide. And that meant that we're all still friends now...even my ex and I! If you see friends that maybe were closer to him, don't *not* talk to them, still be friendly, and don't talk about the relationship. Ask how they are, what they've been up to. Make sure they know that you don't want to lose them as well.

[laboheme]

In my case, I decided to break all ties with the people surrounding him, even if I was friends with some of them. Preserving my sanity was much more important, and I didn't want to risk accidentally hearing about how wonderful his life is without me. I figured that moving on from the relationship meant moving on with my life entirely, and that included new friendships...

[Parsley]

That's a very good point actually. The previous relationship ended with a very mutual break up. That contriubuted to how it turned out afterwards a lot, and I think is a big part of how quickly I got over him and moved on. It's difficult to imagine having mutual friends with this ex and seeing them. I know that if I saw anyone that I remembered to be connected to him I'd probably go all wobbly and hide :S

[boston23]

Ooh the friends issue is tough, especially it seems in my situation. Don't have them take sides, things will just pan out the way they're supposed to with some time.

 

With my situation, I met a lot of people through my ex, and lots of people I would love to stay friends with, but I've realized that my ex is super sensitive about his friends right now. I've limited my contact to the 3 people I was clostest to (and who were very clear about their intensions about being friends with both of us). I have had other friends who I met through him invite me to hang out, but I haven't followed through, which I do feel badly about, but I'm going to give his ego more time to heal (and wait for him to realize that it doesn't have to be territorial).

 

Just give it time I guess and don't stress about it. Don't know how much help I've been, it's definitely an issue I've been struggling with a bit (my ex's friends have been playing important roles in my dreams lately haha).

[charley]

I try to keep my friends separated and compartmentalized when possible. I've learned that introducing one friend to another is often a recipe for trouble with one person ending up being the "odd man out". If you can keep them not knowing each other, then a problem with one cannot affect your friendship with another. So that is safest. I like my life compartmentalized when possible.

 

With my friends who already know each other, I just have to do the best I can and never talk about one to the other. When your friends know each other, then the relationship is no longer a one-on-one relationship. Now it involves one-on-one and group dynamics - aka politics. Any time 3 or more people interact; you have group dynamics, which is politics on a small scale. I like to avoid that when possible. When not possible, then I do the best I can.

 

In cases where my friends know each other and I have a dispute with one friend, I just ask the others not to get involved nor take sides. Then I don't worry about it. Asking them to take sides is a low class thing to do. Even if the other party does that, I won't sink to that level. I just say, "I request that you NOT take sides and NOT get involved." That is the ethical and classy course of action, and any friend with class will realize that you have class and respect you for it.

 

If the party you have a dispute with sinks to backstabbing and other low class, degrading acts; that will reflect badly on them and any friend with class will realize that and NOT respect that behavior. As for people who have no class, who cares what they think? I don't.

[charley]

Mind you, some friends might take sides on their own, and that's OK and their choice, if they want to, but I would never ask them to take a side.

 

When two of my friends got divorced, I tried not to take sides, but at some point I had to take her side because he was physically and emotionally abusing her, even after they were divorced. So I felt I couldn't remain friends with him, if he was going to behave like that. So I took her side. However, she never asked me to.

 

I later became friends with him again years later after he was no longer acting like a 4 letter word. i.e. - I'll be friends with him ONLY if he behaves himself in a reasonable manner, and he knows that now. I'm still friends with her. Being friends with both of them is no longer a problem since he no longer bothers her.

[finewhine]

Charley - you can ask someone to take sides as long as you know your friend well enough to know that they'll take yours.

 

Seriously, all this stuff about compartmentalizing friends? My ex always did that and it was weird. I try to get most of my friends to befriend one another. How did that relate to my ex? Well, I gave his friends to him and took my friends back. None of "my" friends seek him out; I still hang out with some of "his." I win!!!

[melrich]

Initially we basically both advised our friends to let us know when we were going to both be invited to the same things. That worked well for about 3 months, our friends sort of asked us along in turns. After 3 months we started to see more of each other so our friends started inviting us both to the same things again.