Severing all ties.....I think I have to finally do it.

[pebbles40]

My boyfriend and I broke up about six months ago. The break up was kind of ugly. A couple of weeks before he decided to split, he went back and forth and had difficulty making the decision, which complicated matters, as we were living together. He decided to move, but maintained he still wanted to be friends. I was hurt and angry and not in a position to be a friend.

 

He continued to call to see "how I was doing" and sending me mixed messages about our relationship. I decided I wasn't going to deal with it anymore and changed my number and moved. After several months I felt comfortable enough to make contact with a mutual friend of ours and my ex heard about it and told our friend that he wanted to me to call. I put a lot of thought into before I did and decided that although I still loved him, it was more of a friendly love than a romantic interest.

 

I contacted him and stated that I would like us to be friends and that if we could be adult enough and set boundaries that would be great. He wrote back, saying that it sounded like I still had some reservations, and that we probably needed more time and that he missed me. After that, any additional contact with him has been cold. I attempted to call him, to let him know that I was fine, and not upset or angry. He quickly told me he would have to call me back. He didn't. He sent me a very cold email stating that although he cared, he is not in the same place as me, and that email contact is the only contact he wants.

 

I have since blocked his email address and feel its best just left alone. I am don't going to continue the go away/come here attitude anymore.

 

It's very hard to do this, because I value this person and would like to be friends, but can't help thinking he is "hanging on' reasons that are harmful.

[reborn]

Hi Pebbles,

Thank you for sharing this posting and the state of your heart with us. You know I was so funny when I saw your posting cause for a couple of days already, and specially last night after writing my last posting, I have been seriously toying with the idea of severing ties with my ex for good. More on that later. Now about you.

First of all, congratulations. It seems you have been really self respecting, mature and corageous in how you have dealt with your breakup. To keep away at the very beginning when your feelings are still intense and on the raw is the healthiest yet extremely hard to do. It is so great and inspirational that you did this.

Sorry that by being open to contact again, due to the interest your expressed to your common friend and you feeling ready for it, it all seemed to have backfired. I have nothing to do with this but it does make me kinda angry that he has taken this attitude, like you are still into him or needy of him when you are not and way beyond that. Sorry Pebbles that you have to put up with yet an onother agravation following the whole breakup ordeal from this guy.

Blocking him out of your email is a good solution. Eventually he will realize he is not hearing fr. you ever. They say indifference is one of the hrdest things to receive (well, after beeing dumped, don´t we all know that!) I wish u would have chosen to speak ur mind to him, and sort of put him in his place by telling him w/words what is going on, but hey, everyone is different and u must do what suits u better. Besides, there r many merits to just blocking him fr. ur email with no explanation whatsoever.

I commend u again for being so strong. You are continuing doing the right things for u, things that r preserving ur emotional health, dignity and self respect.

Now about me, at first I thought the breakup was about circumstances beyond our control. But after a short reconciliation, my bf said he loves me as a family member. I won´t go into details of our relationship or breakup here, but believe me there were no indication of this to the very last moment we were together. No deterioration of our relationship, meaning: We hung out and laughed our heads off, treated each other with lots of consideration and lovingly, and physical attraction is still very strongly there. Emotionally was the prob. as he felt he couldn´t deal with what he consiered the responsability and time commitments of a relationship, during a this time in his life where career and personal goal was priority as he had both time and family preassure around this. But again, I felt it was circumstances. The whole I love you as a daughter bit, feel attracted as to any other attractive woman cause you are attractive, I no longer believe in love totally crushed my unsuspecting heart. What took place was a total rejection of me, cause from day to night he totally pushed me away and out of his life to the point that he decided to move back home to do what he needed to do, yet his last month in my same city he decided not to see me cause he felt uncomfortable as i still had feelings! (Of course, he had just broken up a 1 year relationship out of the blue less than 2 months before, I found it hard to just switch off my feelings. However I did respect him, and did not pursue). In any case here is why I am considering severing ties:

FYI I have behaved at all points and have not persued or showed him how hurt I feel. Have respected his decision and my dignity in the process. At all points he loves my personality. He has kept in touch, at least 1 a monTH At first he cautious in his approaches, have been mostly email. Last week he graduated to a phone call. called me on Friday then called me again on Tues. and Weds. of this week

I still have feelings for him, and from personal experience know that when an ex starts calling you a lot it usually means they are missing you and probably want back out again.

 

But get this: his last 2 phone calls were about my opinion of the next presidential candidate!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought the last president was sexy although heis a nerd, so he wanted to know how I felt about the new candidate!!!! I was very busy when he called me tuesday night to ask about this. Felt I was rude to him and expressed to him I couldn´t believe he was calling me for this. Told him to call me the next day cause I was busy. Didn´t expect him to call, yet he did to ask me again about my opinion the new candidate!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was 3 days ago. Haven´t heard from him since. Knowing my ex it is very possible all he wanted to know was this. I have no comments you guys.

So here I am, figuring things out. I need to make a decision soon, if to keep this up or not. Part of me feels insulted. Like if in a war someone burns a whole town down and rapes the women, yet there is a particular lake in the town they used to love taking swims in, so even though they burnt the town they come once in while to take little swims. Part of me wants to let him know how he hurt me!!!! Not to blame him, but because I really do not feel comfy with our friendship. I could just block him, but it isn´t fair he just feels he can be my friend like this. Feels like he hurt all of me, but just one parts of me, my humor, my quirky personality.

 

He is so far off in the moving on, he is able to call just for that. OMG! I thought it as an excuse to talk to me, but if his phone calls stop then it was just for this.

I need to see if this is really worth it, and if he deep down I feel he deserves it or not. I have been through therapy and understand what I did very wrong to undermine our relationship. Also I respect and don´t feel someone needs to be punished for not loving you anymore. On top of this I understand the stresses he has gone through etc, I have respected it all and act in a polite and dignified way to us both. However, I dont´know if I am his victim or him mine. If I can handle or not this friendship. The answer is not in the forum, or with anyone else advice. I know it is waiting this inside me. If you guys want to comment go ahead. However I will think and feel long and hard about this and let you guys know my final decision.

[pebbles40]

Your statement about if he is "deserving" was interesting. It's not what he deserves or doesn't deserve, it's really what you feel YOU deserve.

 

I know what I want and deserve. I want honest and open communication is all of my relationships. This relationship was very difficult to let go of, due to the mixed messages that he sent. When the time came for me to extend the offer with all the best of intensions, he backed away. Friends don't do that.....ex lovers who can't let go do that. He appears to still have resentment and emotions that he hasn't dealt with. It is the hardest thing you can ever do is to let someone go who you still love and care about. I just happen to care more about myself more to not stay in anykind of one sided relationship, romantic or platonic.

[reborn]

I just wanna hug you for what you just said! Thank you Pebbles for your insight, it does put things into the right perspective for me! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

You are so incredibly right! It sisn´t about what I think he deserves, I was stuck and fixated on this. Thank you for "un-stucking" me. It is about what I feel I deserve! That is the perspective I need to look at this from.

It is essential.

I wasn´t sure if to share my story or not. I did not want to take attention away from your story. But I am so greatfull I did, your perspective is just what I needed. Another piece to the puzzle. Perpahs the pieze!

You are a strong person Pebble. An inspiratation, certainly to me right now. You are doing the right thing. Keep posting and sharing with us your point of view and updating us. I will be sure to follow!

-REborn

[pebbles40]

It's been a very difficult lesson to learn. My ex is a person who deep down inside is a very kind and caring person. This is the person who I want to remember. He still appears to be confused and in his confusion makes me question who I am and what I am about. He continues to doubt my abilities and emotions, and friends don't do that. Perhaps, it's just that he knows what buttons to push and trys to push them. When I back away and have no contact with him at all. He panics and says he doesn't want to sever ties..........You have to have "ties" before they can be servered. He doesn't want a romantic relationship, friendship.....but doesn't want to sever ties............He wants to stay connected for reasons he doesn't even understand.

[persephonesleeps]

I can stronly relate to your situation...I am going through the same thing myself.

Trying to understand the mixed messages is emotionally depleting.

I think that these people are afraid of intimacy...that's why they act this way.

In my situation, we were apart for several months...at times with no contact.

Presently, we both wish to try again...but I am feeling incredibly cautious.

I too think that this person may be holding on for reasons she herself cannot understand...and I question if she has even truly explored her feelings.

push me/pull me is rather toxic...and it is difficult, if not impossible, to be as patient as they seem to need us to be!

If I am any more patient, I am going to grow wings soon!

 

[reborn]

Pebbles and Persophoneous(sorry,I don{t think I got that right) In any case I do feel like both of you. I have gotten rather mixed feelings. It seems that my ex for reasons that he may or may not understand too well, chooses to stay around, remain in contact.

He is also a very kind person, and was a good friend. What is confusing is how abruply he pulled away and then how he still want to keep the contact. But with my ex I feel an extra inch of caution. Although he has not kept in contact with his other exes{ and I know that people do change and stuff, though it may just be a matter of maturity, he is the type to be able to manage contact with girls he previously had flings with, even if the girl wanted something more and he didn{t. So, I don{t know. This makes it very difficult for me you know. We were very close friends before this, and I saw this.

Last contact my ex made with me, was just too bizarre. As I have said numerous times before he just wanted to know my opinion of the new presidential candidate. I really used to like the current president of where I live, which even though he is totally a nerd, I find sexy. At one point I thought it was just an excuse. Yet the day he called I was rude to him, and was very vocal about my desbelief he just calling me for that. Was very busy and told him to call me the next day. He called and did ask the same question, and said he had called for this. Oooooooooooo Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Sorry to keep repeating this, but it does mortify me. How could he call just for this!!!!!!!! This was the 2nd and 3rd phone call we have had after 2 months of not talking. I know I am friendly and all, but come on??!!!

It is incredible that he feels so comfy, that he feels so none guilty. That he feels that even though he dumped me and has kept some sort of casual email once a month contact he can just pick up the phone just to ask me such a stupid question!

if he doesn{t keep calling then it is obvious it was just for this he called. I know my ex, and if he says he called for that, that is most likely what it is.

Help me Pebbles and Persephoneous (?) What do you guys make of this. Do you think I am overeacting here?

Thanks a lot.

-Reborn

[pebbles40]

You can spend more energy trying to figure out "why" he called. It's wasted energy. Perhaps you are trying to read to much into it. Let it go.

I think when people are dumped....they put every word and action under a microscope, trying to read between the lines. And when you do that, you are trying to control a situation that you really have no control of. The bottom line is that no relationship should be painful. If it causes pain, get out of it.

[persephonesleeps]

I agree with you...but you know, easier said that done!

Intellectually, we may know that something isn't rewarding or healthy...but it does take awhile to let go emotionally.

It's a process.

 

If you want to know why someone called, ask!!!

Stop making assumptions...give the person a chance to tell you.

If the person can't be honest with you, then I say let go.

[reborn]

thanks to both for taking the time to answer as persophoneous says, easier said than done if you a better grasp of things on the intellectual rather than the emotional level.

Perhaps I have been too preocupied with the details of his phone call. I just found the triviality of it all a bit outrageous...but hey I know it isn{t worth me breaking my head over as I am sure he hasn{t given this a second thought probably.

But as in many things of an emotional nature, this is may just be the tip of the iceberg for me. In order for me. In order for me to come to a positionwhere I can decively and strongly take a more self preserving stance on this, I need to come to this conclusion from an emotional not intellectual understandig.

I have a tough decision to make. For me this friends with the ex thing just picked up steam now. I was better able to deal the the ocasional hello email. but this type of triviality is too close for comfort. But I don{t want to take any harsh actions, or reactions as whatever I decided has to be really thought out, and feel like the final and best decision to me.

Thanks a lot for your imput.It is very valueable to me.

Reborn

[pebbles40]

I know it's hard it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. I have good and bad days. At times I struggle not understanding why he wants to continue having ties, is it because he has unresolved emotions, or is he keeping his options open. It has to come to an end if there seems to resolve. But his indecision is his problem, not mine and there comes a point in time when you say "enough" and let it go. I truly believe if things are meant to be, they will be. I suppose my peace of mind is more important than any relationship I willing to give him. He can't give me what I need and probably never will. I'm ok with that.

[persephonesleeps]

it sounds like you have a healthy attitude

yes...we all reach that point where we have had enough

he presently cannot give you what you need...and may NEVER be able to

at least now you clearly know what you need, and you can find someone more compatible when you are ready