please help, my dads an alcoholic

[thatshawt__xx]

my dads always been an alcoholic since i was young and my mom and dad would always fight because my dad would always come home drunk from work and bother my brother, mom and myself. But, my dads a really sweet, and respectful man when he's not drunk, and we all love him a lot. However, when he drinks, he goes crazy; he like basically turns into a different person. My mom and dad are not separted but however my moms with me in Seattle because my schools here and my brothers in college in Michigan, but my dad stays in Korea because he engineers a company there. I've written numerous letters to my dad and we've basically tried everything to make him clean but nothing works, and i think the last and the most helpful resort will be seeking for professional help but he strongly refuses. And when he gets drunk, he like pisses everybody off, and he won't let us sleep because he makes a lot of loud noise and just won't stop talking and now my mom's getting sick and I'm a sophomore in high school and i really don't want my parents to get sick and die.I'm so sick and tired of this life style and i really want my dad to be healthy again and i just want to help my family.please, help me.i'm so lost and scared and worried and i really need help!

[Newo Ikkin]

First off, welcome to ENA.

 

Angel, you CANNOT carry on living like this.

 

I like the letter idea - thats a sensitive and sensible way of approaching things. Can I ask what kind of things you write in these letters? What kind of attitude they're written in?

 

Is there anyone closer to home (barring mom and brother) who knows and you can talk to?

[Rosie007]

Dear Sweet Angel (a.k.a., thatshawt__xx),

 

My father was an alcoholic, too. It was terrible. I'm so sorry to hear you're growing up in circumstances similar to mine. And I have to tell you, I'm so impressed that you reached out for help. That fact that you're able to do ask for help, that you're able to admit to yourself your lost and scared and worried is very healthy and I'm soooo proud of you. You can be very proud of yourself, too!

 

I didn't have the abillity to acknowledge my pain and hurt the way you are. Instead I starting drinking when I was 14. I guess you could say I started using alcohol to numb myself from all the hurt and disappointment. It took me 15 years before I realized I was just like my father. Fortunately I went to AA, and now I've been sober longer than I drank. On Valentine's Day I had 15.5 years of sobriety as a member of AA.

 

I've learned I can't do anything to change another human being. I've learned that I need to take care of myself. I've learned that being the child of an alcoholic, I had a lot of healing to do. I'm going to suggest something that might sound yucky or loser-ish, but if there's anyway possible, please try to go to an Alateen or Alanon meeting. Even Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) would help. Even if you don't drink, AA might help you because you'll probably hear how alcoholism is a sickness, it's not personal to you. There's nothing you did to make your dad drink the way he does, and there's nothing you can do to change it. He's got to want to do that for himself. If your dad never gets sober, it's not because he doesn't love you, it's because he's a very sick person. The reason I'm suggesting you go to Alateen, Alanon, or AA, is so you'll learn how special you are, and how important it is for you to learn to take care of yourself. The other thing I learned there is that I'm not alone, and never have to be again for the rest of my life.

 

I learned about ENotAlone just a few days ago. I recently had my heart broken, and I'm very sad. When the person I fell in love with hurt me so badly, the first thing I did is went to an AA meeting. Not because I wanted to drink -- I haven't wanted to drink in 15.5 years. Truly. The reason I went is so I didn't have to be alone with all my pain. That means so much to me, that I don't have to be alone with my pain / fears / hurt / disappointment.

 

Growing up in a home with an alcoholic meant no one was worried about me or my feelings. There was so much drama, so much yelling and screaming, and then so much silence, so often it felt like there was a ticking bomb just waiting to go off. And it did go off. That's when my life really became a nightmare. Those nights when my dad came home and woke the whole house up with his insane behavior. You're absolutely right when you say your dad goes crazy when he drinks. He really truly is. And I want you to do everything you can to say away from him when he's like that. You don't have to take care of your mom. It's her job to take care of you.

 

By the way, my mom's behavior hurt me every bit as much as my dad's did, but the way she hurt me was much harder to understand. She didn't take care of me. She didn't keep me safe. She never left my dad. She never protected me. Or herself. Generally speaking, she lied a lot. And she said mean things to me. In truth, it was like I had nowhere to turn.

 

Here's the good news: The fact that you were able to say help. The fact that you were able to reach out. This means you're a survivor. That's a fact. A survivor is someone who learns how to make it through difficult times. A survivor is someone who doesn't give up on the world, and survivors don't stop believing that things will get better. There's also something else I learned. Even though there were so many terrible things happening around me, there were still good people in my life. The librarian who was kind to me and recommended good books for me to read. My old babysitter. My best friend Jeanne. Plus I always prayed. I put my trust in a power greater than myself. I do that to this day. I sometimes think it's because I prayed I made it through such difficult times.

 

I don't want you to worry about helping your family. I just want you to worry about taking care of yourself. If your dad is keeping you up at night, see if you can take naps when you get home from school. Go to school. Do your homework. Eat healthful food. Get outside and take a walk, or do whatever other kind of exercise you enjoy. Figure out what you enjoy to do, and then do it. Read good books. Please don't drink, and please don't take drugs. I'd hate to see you lose yourself the way I did for those 15 years. Alcohol robbed me of my dreams, delayed my maturity, and warped me. It's taken a long time to heal (mentally / spiritually) -- both from what happened to me as a child, and then the bad things that happened when I started drinking.

 

If you'd like, feel free to write to me directly. If you think it would be helpful to learn my e-mail address, just let me know.

 

Please know that you are a sweet angel of love, and that things might be bad now, but it's not always going to be this way.

 

Love,

 

Rosie

[HarleyHunny]

Call AL ANON, NOW!

 

This a good place to start

 

link removed

[phlpns314jlf]

Rosie,

I'm 21 and recently learned of the grave reality of my own father's alcoholism. I've known since I was a teenager when my parents divorced that he was an alcoholic, but because my mom got custody I never really saw the gravity of the situation until today when his best friend called me to inform me of his concerns. I would love to be in touch with you for support. You can send me a message via my profile. Thank you for your encouraging words. I feel like I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do.

[Rosie007]

Dear phlpns314jlf

 

I'm so happy you reached out, and I'm very sorry about the delay in my response. Please feel free to reach out to me for support. I would be sincerely happy to talk to you. Feel free to e-mail me privately here.

 

-Rosie