I could use any advice I Can get...

[JessieK05]

Well first I'd like to apologize for not posting recently. Also I could use advice from guys because the way guys think sometimes help and alot of girls just feel like me and tell me to dump them but I'd like to get a guys opinon...here's my problem..

 

Ok..I'm having a hard time. I don't want to break up with Nathan (my boyfriend) but hear me out. Lately we've been spending like no time together, we have a long distance relationship , and during the school year I only see him on weekends, I saw him last weekend but I wasn't supposed to see him for another 2 weeks but then I asked him If I could see him this weekend ot go to the zoo and he said yea but we probably wouldn't even be seeing each other if I didn't invite him. Also It seems like lately he doesn't want to do anything with me, we used to do a lot together, little things like going rollerblading or something, he told me tonight that he does stuff i want to do but stuff he wants to do like going to play hockey and listening to loud music just sittin in his car i dont want to do, i told him it wasnt true, and he said well start doing stuff then. I don't even know if he likes me anymore, he'll tell me on-line he loves me but in person he only tells me when he leaves to go back home. I'm probably just overreacting. I think he's cheating on me too, I trust him, but lately he's been like taking stuff back or not doing what he says, part of the reason was my fault for not coming online tuesday night but wednesday night he couldnt because he was playing hockey, i mean it was only one night so i guess it dont matter,but like he told me he'd be on-line at night since I have school and stuff now I can't stay on long and then tonight he talked to me for like 15 minutes because he had to go. Then he takes back things like me hanging out at his brothers,Sunday night he was supposed to stay at my house but then his brother invited me and him over and then he asked me if i could jsut stay at home because his brother doesnt act the same when im there and doesnt do things like play the guitar with him and that he barely gets to hang out with his brother Also he cancels things like the day before. Not all the time but once in a great awhile. Then tomorrow he's going to this concert with my cousin Joe and I can just imagine the girls that'll be there. It's an 18+ concert so I couldn't go anyway but all the girls there will be his age and will obviously like his same music taste (Skidrow) which I rarely listen to. When he dumped me around the 4th of July he told me we didn't have anything in common and one of the things he said was we didn't like the same music , for example. Well here's the oppurtunity to meet girls his own age and into the music he likes. The reason he dumped me was a bunch of stupid things, then the next day he asked me to forgive him and he was sorry he hurt me and didnt mean the thigns he said. The other day he told me what actress he thought was hott when he never told me that kind of stuff before. Not that it's a big deal but I don't look anything like this girl. I don't know if this is a thing to push me away or he's just keeping me aorund until he finds someone better or what. I don't know. I don't know how to talk to him about this kind of stuff, but I rather get advice before I start a stupid argument. Another thing was Monday I told him he hasn't been emotional and that the last time he really was was the day after he dumped me and he was telling me how much he loved me and stuff the day after, adn i told him i like to hear that, and hes like "well do you want me to be like that everyday or something?" and im like "no" and just kind of ended it because I dont want him to do something he doesnt do. I'm just looking for advice before i bring stuff up to him because if i dont have to I wont, especially if i sound like im overreacting. Ok this sounds weird but before my period I get emotional and take alot of thing to heart and overreact and my period is 4 days away so I'm thinking I could be acting like this because of that too. Thanks for any advice

[stpeter]

Hi Jessie,

 

From what you have described, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is very considerate of your feelings or is feeling kind of smothwered by you and is trying to find his own space. I think it might be a good time to practice "If you love someone, set them free... If they come back, it is real". Perhaps he did things with you at the beginning to make you happy but gave up himself and what he wanted in the meantime. He now is trying to reestablish his own being and while he probably cares about you, he may feel like he is fighting for his own identity within the relationship. He may also just be playing a power game with you but it is hard to tell from the little I see right now.

 

I suggest you spend some time with other friends, go have your own fun (not just flirting, etc. but just fun stuff that you like to do- call your old best friend and go have agood day) and then think about what you want in your relationship. I would clearly define in writing what you want, share it with your boyfriend when you are both in a good space and ask him for a list of what he wants too. Your lists could define things like: Values- monogamy, honesty, kindness, responsibility, forgiveness, understqanding, communication, etc; Time- together, apart, with friends together as a couple, etc. Intinmacy- sexual contact; snuggling; public affection, etc.

 

If your lists are compatible and you think you can compromise with each other, then try to live by them and see what happens.

 

best of Luck,

[hurtntime]

I'm guilty of that kind of stuff before, except I never cancelled for stupid reasons like he has been doing. From my point of view I was really confused about how I was feeling, we were 3 hours apart different schools. There were some girls I was attracted to here and that hadnt happened when I was with her before, towards the end of the year finals kicked up and I had alot of stuff going on with baseball so I rarely got to see her and I didnt really talk to her all that much because I avoided her on aim, or didnt really have time to talk so much other stuff was going on that when I did finally get some time I wanted to do things I really enjoyed and having a convo with her over the computer wasnt on the top of my list. At the end of the year the day before I moved back home I ended up hanging out with the other girl I was attracted to here for awhile and kind of got a feel for what she was about, that confused me more. We both moved back home for the summer so we were alot closer(distance wise). I was still really confused because now I talked to the other girl regularly and I was somewhat interested. Mind you nothing happened at all we just talked when we hung out just like friends do there was just some sexual tension. Anyway I ended up breaking up with her like a month into the summer because I needed to know how I felt about her. Me and her hung out all week and I realized how much I really cared about her. From then on she was always something that was really really special to me. Breaking up with her is something I had to do for me but it hurt her incredibly bad. I guess what I'm saying is I didnt know what I wanted in life I had been with the same girl for so long that it felt like I was just in the relationship because it was a comfort zone and I needed to know if that was true or not, guys get confused just like girls do and they dont know how to deal with it. I dont know if this is what your guy is going through or not because I never ditched my ex like he's doing to you, from what you say you dont really have alot in common and he sounds like an a$$hole. Hope that helps you atleast a little bit I know its hard to follow if you wanna talk more just message me.

[bzborow1]

Hi there,

 

So let me get this straight, it's a long-distance relationship? How so? You only get to see him a couple times a week or something? Well if this is the case I honestly can't see why you're being around him would be taking away his "identity". After all, he's not spending ALL his time with you, and you wouldn't want that anyways.

 

I'm only 22, but I've recently been through a rather nasty break-up, so perhaps I can shed SOME light. I'm assuming this is pretty serious otherwise you wouldn't be seeking advice on how to be understanding. In order for a relationship to work you need to be honest with each other, you need to communicate your wants and needs to him, and he to you. You need to tell him what you want!! I'm assuming that you want him to pay more attention to you, treat you with a little more respect, and to quit ditching you and blaming you for everything in his life, no?

 

So what to do? I'd sit him down next time you see him and talk with him. Don't attack him, don't try to frame it as a list of things he needs to do, otherwise he'll just put up a wall. Perhaps a conversation with some of the following:

 

- "where do you see this relationship going?"

- "I know you feel I may be smothering you, but I really feel I need to feel more loved and respected. Not in words, but in how you treat me. Sometimes I feel like i'm the second or third person down on your list."

 

etc, etc....

 

If he can't sit down with you and talk about these things, then I'm sorry to have to tell you that he's probably either not mature enough for commitment or just not the right guy for you. If I can help any further don't hesitate to contact moi.

 

That's my two cents.

 

Bill

[JessieK05]

Thanks everyone for helping me. I'm not going to dump him. I kind of just made him sound like more of a jerk than what he is because I was mad. He is good, I mean he obviously must love/like me if he drives down almost every weekend to see me right? Also it seems I only get like that when I'm away from him but when I'm with him I'm fine. I think it's just insecurities and overreacting. Thanks anyway though, I think I'm just going to ignore these feelings and if things happen again I'll bring it up. We've been dating a year and a half and I don't want to end it and I might talk to him when Isee him in person.