here we go..again. why is it so hard?

[carbon]

I'm in a sort of complicated situation with my ex and in need of advice. I will try to keep it as brief as possible.

 

When broke up about three years ago, after a very short relationship we decided to remain friends. Since then, the contact has been on and off...NC for varying amounts of time and for various reasons. I think both of us has tried very hard to NOT remain friends, but somehow we always find eachother when we are in the most need. It has come to a point where I have accepted the fact that he will be in my life for a long time to come.

 

Here is the problem: I cannot just see him as a friend, although I wish I could, and keep lying to myself that I could. Everything seems to be fine when we are just hanging out and keeping it chill, but when I do have a real problem and he understands me the way I need to be understood, the feelings of wishing we had more ALWAYS comes back and once again I return to the state of desire for more, which I HATE because it hurts.

 

It has gotten to a point where I realize I cannot open up to him as I would a normal friend becuase I know it would make me feel bad (because it will stir up feelings). And then I think, well what is the point of the friendship then, if I cannot open up, if it always ends up in pain? Sometimes (read: most times) I wish he were in a committed relationship so I wouldn't even have the luxury of wishing he felt the same about me, since there would be no point, and I am not one to meditate on futility.

 

I really, really wish we could just have a pure, genuine friendship.

 

Important points on why it is so hard for me to let go/why it is so hard for me to see him as just a friend:

 

1. We connect at so many levels, it is almost scary (read: it IS scary)

2. He continuously gives me the feeling that he wants to mend our past and start over again (or maybe he doesn't and it's all in my head)

3. Sexual tension: Everytime we see eachother we end up getting physical, though never fully to actual intercourse

 

I know there is no magic recipe for making a friendship with an ex work, but hopefully someone here may have some techniques that have helped in the past (I know maybe this is wishful thinking).

 

I really just want to have a real friendship with him, without the periodic hurting. I wish I could see him like any other guy friend I have (most of my friends are guys, even my best friend).

 

Thanks for ant advice/insight.

[robowarrior]

Trash the whole friendship idea, you clearly want more. So you will have to bring it immediately back to relationship level , in asking him if he wants to be in a relationship with you again.

 

Being friends with him is wrong because you can't possibly hold this out without being emotionally devastated. So in this situations its black/white , you either have a full bf/gf relationship or you best better not have him in your life at all.

[jade.green]

sounds like he also can't just see you as a friend, since there is still sexual tension, and both parties seem to be acting on it. why did you guys break up? you seem to know what you want, but does he? i think it's only fair to you that he answers this. i don't think it's possible to "just be friends" but also have a physical relationship when there are still emotions involved. i think you need to establish what his intentions are. you say that you get the feeling that he wants to start over. you need to find out for sure, because if things continue like this, you will continue to get hurt.

[carbon]

Trash the whole friendship idea, you clearly want more. So you will have to bring it immediately back to relationship level , in asking him if he wants to be in a relationship with you again.

 

Being friends with him is wrong because you can't possibly hold this out without being emotionally devastated. So in this situations its black/white , you either have a full bf/gf relationship or you best better not have him in your life at all.

 

Hey robowarrior, you are so right that it's all or none and I realize this rationally.

 

Sometimes I think I should just be honest with my feelings and if he doesn't feel the same, then I should just cut him out of my life. But, at the same time, I don't want a relationship if it is going to be like it was before (although I do realize it has been YEARS since we broke up and we both have matured a lot) because that's just setting myself up to get hurt again. I don't know how to bring up the issue and not sound like I'm totally smitten already. I also feel that if he thinks/feels the same, he would've brought up the issue already.

 

But of course, I'm a confusion, and somehow still think that maybe if I give it more time (another 3 years? :sad: ) and keep fighting those feelings then I might come to the point of being de-sensitized and finally be able to see him as a friend? But then I think, is it worth the effort? Oh blah..

[carbon]

sounds like he also can't just see you as a friend, since there is still sexual tension, and both parties seem to be acting on it. why did you guys break up? you seem to know what you want, but does he? i think it's only fair to you that he answers this. i don't think it's possible to "just be friends" but also have a physical relationship when there are still emotions involved. i think you need to establish what his intentions are. you say that you get the feeling that he wants to start over. you need to find out for sure, because if things continue like this, you will continue to get hurt.

 

Hi jade, you bring up a good point about the sexual tension. I don't know what to make of it, since guys can keep feelings out of the sex equation. For them, it can be purely physical, a kiss can be just a kiss.

 

But the first time we got physical outside of the context of a relationship was when we saw eachother for the first time after about 2 years. I got upset because he didn't call me the next day. When we finally talked about it, he said he didn't think it was necessary because I'm not just some girl..that he cares about me. I still don't know what to make of that explanation.. But I vowed to myself that I wouldn't get physical with him again since I would feel bad afterwards. Since that time, I saw him twice. Once for dinner..and we both acknowledged the sexual tension. Another time he came to my house to take care of me when I was sick. Of course we got physical. Ugh.

 

I'm not entirely sure why we broke up.but we were definitely unhappy. Part of it was because he felt i was not being open enough with him (with my feelings, my thoughts, etc..) while I felt he was pressuring me too much and didn't give me the time I needed to develop trust for him (I do realize this is part of the "unfinished business" reason why I cannot completely let go, i.e., if we both tried whole-heartedly and it didn't work, then I would have no regrets).

 

I know I cannot continue like this because it's just not emotionally healthy. But I don't even know how to begin a dialogue with him about this. We are not the best at communicating..mainly becuase he lacks the patience for me to feel comfortable to divulge my complete thoughts, i.e. there's ALWAYS pressure when talking to him. Also, I'm prideful (not a good trait, I know). So I don't want him to know I'm thinking about this if it hasn't even crossed him mind, i.e., if he is completely over me and just really sees me as a friend.

[jade.green]

carbon, sounds like we are in kind of similar situations (thanks for the reply to my post in the other thread

 

i guess the thing is, even if he only sees you as a friend, then as a friend, he should not want to cause you pain. and you, as his friend, should not have to hide anything from him. honesty and transparency are important in any kind of relationship, be it a platonic or a romantic one. because if he is currently causing you pain, and you are constantly having to hide something from him (be it because of pride, fear of rejection, etc.) then this doesn't seem like a real friendship.

 

also, from the way you talk about him, he sounds like he really cares about you. you say that he always finds you when he is in need. i'm assuming this is not just a physical need, but an emotional one. so it doesn't sound like he's completely separated the sex (or whatever you're doing) from the emotions. that doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to get back together with you or give things another try, but probably that he is also a bit confused about he wants.

 

which is why you need to ask him where you stand. i'm not sure what the best way to bring up the conversation would be. if he lacks the patience to listen, would an email be better? in my opinion it's still better to do this kind of thing in person. in any case, i definetely think you need to find a way to talk to him about this. it's no use just continuing to feel frustrated! and the same goes for me.

 

good luck!