No Time for Me :(

[Blue Eyes 44]

Hey Everyone,

 

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 14 months now and most things are going really well. However, I have started feeling very sad lately because he is making himself unavailable a lot. He works full time, takes night school 3 nights a week, and also does volunteer ski patrol every second weekend for the entire weekend (which I have posted about previously). thereforeeee, he is understandably busy and I respect that. However, I also want to spend time with him on the days he is not busy. We usually see each other Wednesday nights after he's off school and I'm off work, which is really late (so we basically just sleep together - he spends the night). Thursday evenings are basically our days during the week that we see each other because he doesn't have school and I don't have work. This is nice, but we are usually both so tired by Thursday evenings that it's not the greatest quality time spent together and we're usually too tired to be intimate with each other (which I really miss :S).

 

thereforeeee, since we don't see each other that much during the week I really look forward to and value our weekends together (every second weekend when he's not away ski patrolling). But just recently he has told me that he has planned 2 ski trips with friends during 2 of his off weekends (and during the week - thus taking up our Weds and Thurs evenings as well as our weekends together). Basically this will be 5 weekends in a row that he is unavailable (except for a weekend in there when a lot of us are going on holiday). Understandably, I am very upset. I do want him to spend time with his friends, who he doesn't get to see too often but I also want to spend time with him. I talked to him last night about how I am feeling and he didn't really say a whole lot...just that he thought this would come up eventually.

 

I feel very sad and very much like his last priority right now. He spends a LOT more time skiing/snowboarding than with me. I don't know what to do...I have tried talking to him but he didn't say much, he didn't even say that he will miss me or anything like that. I am very sad and have spent much of today crying and doing a lot of thinking.

 

Any advice or comments would be very much appreciated. Thank you for reading my post.

[annie24]

so what is it that you want from him? how many hours a week would be good and practical to spend together? I say let him go on this trip with friends (not like you can really stop him, and he'll resent you if you try, you aren't his mom.) Just tell him to have a good time. But otherwise, think of how many hours a week you would like to spend together, and see if he is ok with making a compromise. And when you are together, try to have fun.

 

So, yeah, just ask him to spend more time with you. Nothing wrong with asking for that from your bf of over a year. And if he doesn't comply, consider a new boyfriend.

[Hope75]

How much longer does ski season last?

 

If you can stand it, perhaps being cool with him going on these trips but asking him for some special time together once it's over would be the way to go.

 

Other than the lack of time right now due to his busy schedule, how does me make you feel? Does he try to compensate with phone calls, emails, etc?

 

Ok, so he thought this might come up, but what possible solutions did he have for making the situation more tolorable for both of you?

[Blue Eyes 44]

It depends on the snow, but the ski season will probably last until the end of March/early April.

 

No, he is not really much of a phone caller either. He never has been. He never emails or texts me, and will call me maybe every second day. He does not call me or any kind of contact (email/text) when he is gone away on his ski patrolling weekends. So, basically he does not make me feel very special. I sort of feel like I just get his "leftover time" - whatever time he has left over in his busy schedule. In fact, lately I find myself thinking of ways to make myself even busier than I am so that I won't be as available to him....but then if I did this we would NEVER see each other :S

 

Yes, he thought this would come up but he never had any solutions to the problem either. He just said something like, "I don't know what to say." What the heck is that supposed to mean? It seems like he was just hoping I wouldn't say anything and would just be okay with it, which I am not.

 

I am almost thinking that I need some time away from him to think about things.....

[annie24]

No, he is not really much of a phone caller either. He never has been. He never emails or texts me, and will call me maybe every second day. He does not call me or any kind of contact (email/text) when he is gone away on his ski patrolling weekends. So, basically he does not make me feel very special. I sort of feel like I just get his "leftover time" - whatever time he has left over in his busy schedule. In fact, lately I find myself thinking of ways to make myself even busier than I am so that I won't be as available to him....but then if I did this we would NEVER see each other :S

 

YIKES!!! If I were in your shoes, I would have stopped seeing him after a month. Isn't a boyfriend supposed to make you feel special and happy not worse? I wouldn't date someone who didn't call me or e-mail me often. It would just make me too sad. Have you ever told him how much you like it when he calls and contacts you?

[Hope75]

You know,

 

I would have to agree with Annie on this one I am afraid.

 

If he isn't making any efforts anywhere (no emails or calls to make up for lost personal time) and has no answers or even suggestions about making your relationship more of a priority, I just don't see this as very important to him.

 

And who wants to come in last with their boyfriend?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

there are some people who just put a relationship lower down on their list... i.e., they like to be 'crazy busy' with hobbies etc. i can understand work or school commitments, but he is also packing hobbies and buddies in there with a higher priority than you...

 

i personally am a bit suspicious of this, because it sounds like he just wants a woman to hook up with now and again to meet his sexual needs, and he is getting is emotional/friendship/leisure/excitement needs met by buddies and hobbies etc.

 

so he should just be dating people casually, and NOT keeping a girlfriend on the string waiting for when he doesn't have something else he considers more fun to do... it really sounds like he is being quite selfish, doing what he wants, and you have to conform to HIS schedule, rather than negotiating something both of you are happy with...

 

if you stay with him, be prepared to spend the rest of your life as second string to his other hobbies/commitments... some people are like this, and will always put their partners last, after everything else they want to do...

 

you sound like you want more, and to be a priority in someone's life... that is not an unreasonable expectation, but a *normal* one... so tell him what you need, and if he's not willing to give it to you, then break up, and find someone who will...

[maladjusted]

blue i felt the same way you do with my ex. yes i said my ex because i got tired of being last on her priority list and like your bf she hardly emailed or phoned. i started getting the feeling i was only needed when she didn't have anything else to do or nothing better was going on. i think BeStrong is right when she said "it sounds like he just wants a woman to hook up with now and again to meet his sexual needs, and he is getting is emotional/friendship/leisure/excitement needs met by buddies and hobbies etc.". after thinking about my situation i started to feel like i was her little toy to bring out when she felt like playing but put back in the closet when she was done. i think if she wasn't willing to put forth effort to make me happy and try to compromise then i was better off on my own. i had to fit in her schedule which i found very unacceptable. i started to think how the few emails and the few scheduled hours on the weekend with her were not worth my time. i was basically on my own anyway unless she would find time to hang out. anyway, long and short of it is that i deserve someone who is going to give me what i give them and i am not settling for less. so with that i broke up with her and to tell you the truth i feel like i am gaining me again and able to breath. my advice to you is to think if this is worth all your worry and misery. i feel one shouldn't have to fight for their partners attention. in the end it is your happiness that matters.

[breeze33]

but he is also packing hobbies and buddies in there with a higher priority than you...

 

 

okay, I can understand work commitments and school deadlines but hobbies and buddies should be lower in his list than a relationship with you. In that case, I agree that he is not relationship material and sounds like someone who wants to be free but have his cake and eat it too.

[anna0511]

Hey,

I've never posted a reply but I'm in the exact situation as you with my boyfriend of 18 months so I thought I would. Last December, he was lucky enough to be given the oppurtunity to work in his field (photography), which is amazing for him. But with that, he has to juggle being a full time university student, a serious athlete, and many other responsibilities Basically, I only get to see him for a couple of hours a week (leftover time), and it's really hard to enjoy it without being a little bitter.

I've been trying to be supportive and not ask for too much from him. But as you must know it's really difficult. I've also been trying to busy myself. A good thing is that I get to see my friends a whole lot more. In fact, I'm actually going to start volunteering with one of them at a soup kitchen.

Personally, I refuse to break up with someone who I love with all my heart because a rough patch. Yes, I'm really sad about it, but I can't depend on him for all my happiness and he has his own life to live too. To me, friends and hobbies are really important because they make up who you are. It's cheesy, but friends are forever and to some degree, should have priority, depending on the relationship (it's just how I feel though). So, if he hasn't been spending a lot time with his friends, think how they might feel. Even if it is his leftover time during the week, he still chooses to spend it with you. And if it is only ski season, then it will pass. I don't know, but if you really think that he's worth it, then I would wait it out (as I am). I'm just trying to make the most out the the moments when we do get to see each other. Anyways, good luck.

[shadow34]

What I find very curious, is why cant you ever join him when he goes away at all...

 

and you say he doesnt call or text when hes away, have you ever tried to call him or text him?

 

Do you know his friends , have you met them and how do you interact with them?

 

Sorry Not overally helpful but just some interesting questions...

[Blue Eyes 44]

Thank you to all who have replied already

 

To answer some of your questions:

 

After I told my bf how upset I was with everything, he asked me if I would like to come with him when he volunteers one weekend, but I said no for a number of reasons. First of all I do not want to sleep in a room with numerous people (they are like rooms in a hostel) and he would be off doing his patrolling all day long while I am left to either ski alone (which I don't like all that much) or something else (and there are limited things to do on a small ski hill where I don't really know anyone). I also felt like it was a pity invite.

 

Yes, I have tried to call and text him numerous times when he is away but he never responds to his texts (he always says he didn't get it or some other excuse) and he never answers his cell phone (he is not good with cell phones). He also says that he does not get cell reception up on the mountain

 

I get along very well with his friends, actually. To be honest though, he doesn't really have many friends....when we hang out with other people it is almost always with my friends or his family (who he is very close to).

 

I would also like to say that while it may seem to some that he is someone who is only in the relationship for his own sexual needs, etc. I completely disagree with this, as I am the one who wants sex more than he does and it seems like he would be fine going for awhile without it, while I am not okay with this at all. In fact, this is one thing that bothers me with our leftover time: we are both so tired that we don't have much energy for intimacy.

 

Also, when I only spend a small amount of time with him, it is hard to enjoy the time I spend with him because I am always thinking about how I won't see him again for a long time and this makes me sad and also a little bitter.

 

Yes, I realize that the ski season is only temporary, but it is also something that happens every year and I don't think I'm okay with this happening every year....it just hurts too much. I have seriously been considering looking into teaching overseas so I can become a more independent person and not have to feel this way anymore....I guess I think this would make him miss me instead of me always missing him (not to mention it would be an amazing professional and personal opportunity!). This may seem a little drastic, but I have always thought about doing this even before I started dating my bf and now seems like the perfect opportunity. I think I might miss him though....

[annie24]

I would also like to say that while it may seem to some that he is someone who is only in the relationship for his own sexual needs, etc. I completely disagree with this, as I am the one who wants sex more than he does and it seems like he would be fine going for awhile without it, while I am not okay with this at all. In fact, this is one thing that bothers me with our leftover time: we are both so tired that we don't have much energy for intimacy.

 

the thing is, this is more worrying to me. If he seems uninterested in you physically and can go without it for a while, that is a bad sign also. I mean, if he can go without calling and texting you and having sex with you, it sounds like he isn't all "that into you."

 

Yeah, it does seem like in general, he doesn't place as high a value on you as you do him. Have you read the book, "mars and venus on a date?" he would recommend maybe stepping back a stage. ie, still see him, but call him less and see him less.

 

I think the going abroad idea is great.

[Momene]

I wouldn't even consider him in any plans that you have, so go ahead and work abroad and if you meet someone nicer than him: tough on him!