Seriously panicking

[someguy69]

I've been engaged for the past five months or so, perhaps much more due to pressure to get engaged than my own incentive, but now that a date has been set and plans are being made and invitations are about to be mailed out, I am in a very serious panic to as whether or not this is what I really want, if I'm ready to be married and even if this is the person I really want to marry.

 

For the past few months we haven't had much alone time as she lives with her brother, and I've been visiting her there all the time recently as her mother has been ill in the hospital, and her parents are now also living with them... so her family is always around.

 

She's all gung-ho and her family is all involved, and I just feel like I'm trapped on a runaway freight-train.

[Iceman26]

Hey man.

 

What is you feel you are panicking about? When you think about marriage, what is it that is making you feel this way?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey someguy - I tihnk its totally normal to have all the questions and concerns you're having. Some people call it cold feet or the jitters but its perfectly normal.

 

I think Iceman is on to something asking you those questions.

 

I think you need to ask yourself those as well, along with some other very serious ones.

 

If this is NOT what you want, now is the time to speak up before things go any further....

[someguy69]

Well, my feet are pretty icy at the moment.

 

Our relationship has been through a lot of ups and downs over the past 3 1/2 years, but in retrospect it seems to have been degrading rapidly from my point of view. I'm not feeling happy with the relationship, and things seem to be getting worse rather than improving.

 

As for her, all she seems to care about is the wedding. It's just the next item on her life agenda, and seems to be the only thing of any imporantance.

[BellaDonna]

Hi someguy69. I took a glance at some of your other posts from a while back, particularly this one

 

From what you have communicated to us: You were not ready for marriage then and you are not ready now. I think this is more than typical "cold feet". You have been feeling this way for YEARS.

 

My opinion is do not do this if you are not ready. Stop it now- before it goes any further. The sooner you are true to yourself , the better.

 

It is far easier to call off an engagement than it is to get a divorce. The sooner you act, the less of a mess it will be.

 

Just be sure that this is what you want because you risk losing her forever. (Would that be a fear, or something you would actually find relief in?) You must ask yourself the hard questions, but I must say, I am looking at this from the outside and it does not seem like a good situation. You have to be honest with yourself and realize that if you do not want to marry her- it's in both of your best interests to stop now. You deserve to be happy, and so does she.

 

BellaDonna

[Iceman26]

I'm not feeling happy with the relationship, and things seem to be getting worse rather than improving.

 

As for her, all she seems to care about is the wedding. It's just the next item on her life agenda, and seems to be the only thing of any imporantance.

 

Have you tried talking with her about the way you have been feeling, or have you felt it would be in poor taste because of the current medical conditions of her mom?

[someguy69]

Have you tried talking with her about the way you have been feeling, or have you felt it would be in poor taste because of the current medical conditions of her mom?

 

Well, the past few months have been pretty crazy. Her mother had a stoke around the end of summer, and since then we've been going back and forth to the hospital, and then before you know it Christmas was here, and then we went on vacation (a cruise with her brother, and friends of theirs), and while on vacation suddenly plans were being laid to get married on a cruise next January (a family friend she plans these cruises with had next year's cruise all planned out and had started booking it), and by the time we got back her family was making deposits for next year's cruise -- the wedding cruise, and she's telling all her friends and family about it, and now they are making invitations (I hope they haven't mailed them yet). Before the vacation we didn't have wedding plans set in stone yet... we had a tentative date for next February.

 

I haven't had many recent opportunities to tell her about my feelings as her family has been around all the time, and yes, he mother's condition has made things more difficult. I think part of her hurry is that she wants to get married while her parents are still alive.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Dude - please TRUST me on this one.

 

Whilst I am happy with the MAN I married - I do love him dearly - I am NOT happy being married and there were signs before I took the oath that I sincerely wish I would have heeded. Seriously.

 

I'm not an advocate for uprooting your life, ruining hers, or bolting at the alter, but if you know in your heart that this is NOT what you want and you know its a ticking time bomb, end it now rather than later.

 

You're inviting trouble if you don't.

 

It's a recipe for life long disaster

 

Either way, you need to tell her. You two need to have this conversation.

 

Tell her about ENA during your talk. She too could find support here.....I swear we won't bash you in our shouldering

[RayKay]

You definitely need to address this NOW, rather than just allow yourself to get caught up in the freight train that wedding plans are.

 

It is easier to end it now, even if invitations HAVE been sent, then to feel this way after the wedding.

 

If you really feel deeply unsettled about this; and going by past posts this is not a new feeling for you caused by cold feet alone...you cannot keep going through with this.

 

Time to talk...seriously.

[Joneysnai]

yeah i agree with most of the posters here. if you feel in your heart this isn't what you want or you are not ready for it, you should end it now. i know u don't want to hurt her because she is all gung ho about this wedding but it's better to end it now then to go on with it and be miserable for the rest of your life. you should talk to her about the way you feel and see how she reacts and go from there.

 

i am not sure about you but to me if i ever get married to someone in the future i will make sure there are no misunderstandings in the relationship, no problems left unresolved between my partner and i and definitely straighten out everything so that when i do get married everything has been talked about and is on the table. the feelings between both parties should be mutual!

 

ask yourself if this is the person that truly makes you happy. is she THE person you want to create memories with for the rest of your life? Have children with in the future and grow old together with?