Help..relationship problems

[MoVD]

Hello, my name is Maurice and I really could use help here.

 

I'm 25 years old and I have been with my girlfriend now for 10 months. This is my first ever long term relationship and and the past month we have been drifting apart. The problem lies with me. I will explain.

 

My girlfriend told me that I need to communicate more, in the sense that I need to express myself more, and be more open. Not only that.... I do things (just actions) without looking at the consequences of my actions. I have talked to my mother about this and she told me that I have been like that since I was born and that I "selfish" She said that she has tried to change that but she never succeeded. Now this is getting back at me with my girlfriend. I do actions and she is not happy about it. When she explains it to me then I see her point of view and I understand, but I still do stuff which reflects badly to her and I have no idea that I am doing it (in my mind everything is fine) until she explains the impact it had on her. As a result we have decided to take a small break so that I can decide (she came up with this idea to avoid a break up of some sort) whether or not I want to change myself and if so how.

 

Now I am totally lost, I mean I do want to change this negative aspect of mine for myself but also for her. I really don't want to lose her. I do however feel that we are drifting further away from each other and I am not feeling well about this. I fear the worst. I know I should keep a positive view and not have a negative view but I can't help myself in that. I just really feel that it will all go wrong.

 

Please help!!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Mo -

 

Welcome to ENA!!

 

I hope if I can't say anything useful that you'll hang around - cos its likely someone will....

 

I think you are already ahead of the game in that you realise your issues and have decided a change is needed.

 

Dedicating yourself to make the change and sticking with it may be another story entirely.

 

If you two ARE drifting apart, remaining selfish and un-dedicated will surely make the wedge bigger....

 

You are most likely going to have to work really hard to make the changes you know you need to make and make them stick. I've had boy friends who've said they would change and then did, for a week. You have to work really hard.

 

One thing I've found to be true in this life is if someone wants something bad enough (not condoning stalking or other criminal activity) they'll have it.

 

Keep posting nad reading tho - you're bound to get better advice than this...

[g1234567890h]

Well, it sounds like you have a couple of things going on with you.

 

1. You do things without realizing the consequences.

 

2. You are not open about your emotions.

 

You're a pretty typical guy. Welcome. There are things you can do to resolve this. First, you need to work on your internal censor. That means if you're going to do something stupid, you have to stop yourself and regroup. This is going to be a mindfullness activity. To do this you have to start noticing EVERYTHING that you are doing at EVERY moment of your waking life. You are no longer allowed to just float through life and take it as it comes. You need to become aware of what you're doing. To do this, you need to be able to identify your actions, and that requires journaling.

 

You need to start a journal of the stupid stuff you do during your day. Every time you do something that has a negative consequence, you have to write it down. At the end of the day you can go over it and look at the stuff you did. Notice patterns and thought processes.

 

Meditation is key to becoming aware of yourself. You need to set aside time weekly to meditate. Start with 15 minutes and work your way up in increments of five minutes until you can meditate for an hour uninterrupted. When you meditate, you reflect on life, your actions, and your feelings. After you meditate you can tell your girlfriend what you meditated about and share your emotions and feelings. You can give her updates on what's going on in your mind and you will start to notice improvement in about a month if you really stick to it.

 

I know it's hard, but that's what it takes for someone your age to do it in the time period you're allowing yourself.

[MoVD]

Alright, I will try the journal bit. I was actually thinking of doing that too so that I can start to see when I do things "wrong." ABout the meditation: I think this will be fairly hard for me to do since I am a fairly active person and just can't sit still. Maybe I should try to find a Yoga place somewhere.

 

Well thanks for all these ideas. I am definitely going to try them and hope that in the long run it all works out for me. If you have anymore ideas or advice it is still always welcome.

[MoVD]

Well I would like to thank both of you once again for the help, but my girlfriend and I split up for good yesterday. I am not happy about it and yesterday was the day that I would talk to her and explain everything that I was doing to make it all work. Well she never got to hear that and she broke it off over the TELEPHONE!!! I thought I was alright with this while talking to her but after a bad nights sleep I realize that breaking up over the phone was not a very good idea and to be honest I am pissed off right now.

 

Could anyone tell me why she would that over the phone? (oh yeah I said before that I would go to her place to talk everything out, but she said no and made up excuses that she was too busy with stuff). A phone call to break up is like the worst you can do to someone, but then why did she do it? Was it because she didn't want to go into a discussion or is it a bit "safe environment" when you talk over the phone? An answer to this would be great.

 

Thanks again to everyone who gave advice.

Maurice