NC motivation

[Me and myself]

This weekend I met a friend who's also going through a breakup (both girls broke with us). So, basically, we've been supporting each other through these difficult times.

We were talking about it when he asked me if I was curious about what my ex might be thinking about me and if I think about her everyday. I said "Yes! I'm curious and she's the first person I think when I get up! I'm always thinking of her!".

That's when he asked me "So, how can you handle it so well?". He was referring to the fact that I'm on my fourth week of NC and it seems that it's nothing special to me. That's when I told him that I'm always feeling bad, always feeling really down... I just don't show it.

However this made me think maybe he's right, at a certain point. I always told my ex that if we breakup I will disapear. She never understood how could that be possible but I always react like that when a breakup occurr. So, I've been thinking why do I always enter into "NC mode" and I found the following conclusion: Revenge!

A mix of revenge to make her miss me and, also, a bit of hope, waiting her to break her pride and call me. Off course NC helps me to get over her, but when it's done as a revenge tool, it makes things harder for me 'cause, obviously, even if I can make her miss me, it will make her so mad that her pride will be higher than before. thereforeeee, she will never contact me (she never did). So, in a certain way it's a kind of self-destructive behaviour.

I just want to get over her but, if possible, do it in a peacefull manner, without any regrets. I've analised my relationship and what went wrong from my side, and really want to improve those areas of my life but all these thoughs are making me feel as if I'm trying to improve myself based in wrong motivations.

[ruby19]

I think it's only natural to have a mix of emotions about NC. It should be about what is best for you to heal and deal with things, and also is better for the other person to give them the breathing room they need.

 

How deserving they are of this gift of no contact is an individual thing. I don't think you should see it in terms of revenge, but if you doing NC does make them stop and think about you and want to get in touch it brings their true motivations to light - are they really evaluating you and your relationship and want to genuinely be in touch to make amends etc.it isn't vengeful.

 

But if they are they just attention * * * * * * who want their cake and eat it too - not dating you but knowing you are around maybe it will seem vengeful to them. But at that point, TFB for them. If they don't want to date you anymore, they have no right to dictate the nature of your subsequent relationship, if there even is one.

 

It's a time to take care of yourself and if NC is what you need do it, the motivation is to get yoursefl better. If they think it is about revenge it is just another reason you are better off without them.

[karvala]

Don't be harsh on yourself. I think you're doing what is necessary, in a way that works for you.

 

Often, when people recommend NC, it's accompanied with a warning that you should be doing this for yourself, and not to make your ex miss you. This is ultimately correct, but...and this is a big but...it is the NC that is most important early on, and if you happen to need the wrong motivation in order to achieve that (vs using the right motivation and not managing to achieve it because of your particular personality or emotional state), then in my view that's okay. By starting NC for the wrong reasons, you are at least taking an action that will hopefully allow you to continue NC, but for the right reasons, further down the road.

 

Having said that, this isn't a licence for complacency. All the time you're doing NC for the wrong reasons, you should be fighting the thoughts of your ex that pop into your head, and trying to convince yourself that it really is best for you, nevermind what she's thinking, to continue the NC.

[wayner427]

I totally agree with karvala that starting NC for the wrong reasons is okay because hopefully it'll work out for the right reasons later on.