Crisis

[Fatpot]

I have to post this. I'm losing my mind. I have to post this. I'm done. I'm done. I can't hang on much longer.

-----------------------------------

Tonight she came into my room,

Asks what's on my mind I look like I'm dead inside,

Reminds me everything I've already reminded myself of,

Makes me remember what I tried so hard to forget tonight.

 

Reminds me of the reason i'm still here,

Her life is the line, my actions are the sciccors,

How long? How long? How long? How long?

I'm wondering that myself, I'm going crazy.

 

I end my life, I end yours,

I told her to leave me alone and she did,

Now I'm the criminal once again,

The weight of guilt is digger deeper into my soul.

 

Anger, Sadness, Lost, Confused, Impatient,

Why? Why? Why?

I just got better, now I'm worst off than before,

I'm writing again and I don't want to anymore.

 

Writing helps me dodge bullets,

But I can only take so much before I snap,

Fourteen shots are hard to take,

I'm going to be done soon.

 

You say you take so much flak,

Think I don't know? Think I don't want a perfect world?

Think that I'm doing all this to spite you?

Think that I'm holing myself up because I want to?

 

You want me to "stay good",

You want me to "stay out of trouble",

Well I'm trying my best MAH,

I've cut myself from the world as much as I can handle!

 

I swear if you didn't mumble those words,

I would've walked away, right there and then,

I'm trying to handle this as best as I can,

I'm broken, I'm broken, I'm goddamned broken.

 

It's hard for me to work,

It's hard for me to get back on track,

It's hard because I got to be careful now.

 

I can't make anymore mistakes,

A mistake could cost four lives,

Think that's easy to deal with?

Saying you're enduring all this agony for me is making me easy?

 

Ok, Ok, let's stop for a moment and think,

No, let's not, I'm going crazy,

I had the hardest time trying to forget about life today,

Thanks for shooting me.

 

I'm nearing the cliff here,

I'm going to hang on,

Don't push me any further,

Don't.

 

Think I don't want to live happily?

Think I want you to endure all this?

What the hell can I do?

I can't speed up time.

I want to.

 

I can't live a single day without looking over my shoulder anymore.

I can't live a single day without sighing anymore.

I can't live a single day without frowning anymore.

I can't live a single day without worrying if I'll live tomorrow anymore.

 

I'm going to break.

I broke.

I lost it.

I just lost it.

 

Putting on a fake smile is hard you know..?

Letting everybody know I'm ok is hard you know..?

I want to scream, but I can't,

Look what a little frowning today did to you.

 

I'm lost. I'm completely lost now,

I've run out of places to hide,

To go,

To dream.

 

I've tried to fight everyday,

Things aren't even the same anymore,

No matter how hard I try,

Things only get worse.

 

Looking at everyone else smile,

I can't. I just can't anymore,

I'm losing my mind,

I'm losing my mind.

 

I can't comprehend.

I can't.

I've never been this down,

Not like this, not like this.

 

I thought it would get better,

But it's getting worse,

Worse than before,

I'm going to lose it all.

[Daddy Bear]

Whoa, hoss! Nobody's life is permanently ruined at 20. Grief and depression can tie us in knots for a while, but they aren't fatal and won't take away your mind. I know this firsthand, trust.

 

What happened that brought you to Lovers' Leap?

[Fatpot]

My mother. My step-dad. My brother. My family.

 

They...are driving me insane. Pushing me to a corner. I just sat there paralyzed. Paralyzed with depression. Thoughts of suicide. It's not right, it's just not right. I want out, but I can't. I want to scream, but I can't. I'm muted. The bottle is shut. This is the lowest point in my life right now. I don't know what to do anymore.

[doyathink]

I was waiting to see if you'd come back...

 

Is there no where you can find escape? Do you live at home with all of them?

[Ellie2006]

Fatpot,

Is there somewhere you can get away, for a little while?

 

Hey, we're here to support you; talk to us, please ...

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[Daddy Bear]

How long would it take you from now to get yourself geared up to strike out on your own? There's a whole big world out there, you know - and it's yours for the taking.

[Fatpot]

I guess that's the problem. I have nowhere to go. I can't run. I can't get out. I'm trapped in this prison. I'm always alone. I always have to face these emotions alone. Busting out of here would only make things worse...I can't sleep, eat, anything. I'm paralyzed, I can't move.

[doyathink]

What's going on? can you tell us what is making this place your hell?

[Fatpot]

Ugh, I'm just going to take a bunch of shots then hopefully be sleepy enough to sleep. Goodnight world. Tomorrow's another battle.

[Daddy Bear]

Give us a little background, please, so we can give you better feedback. How did your life get snarled up?

[Ellie2006]

Although this might not be a long-term resolution (nor a fundamental one), can you get away from your home for a couple hours each day (e.g. library, coffee shop, taking a walk, gym, garden, etc. etc.) for some time-off from the tension within the home?

[Ellie2006]

Fatpot,

Hope you have a good night's sleep!

But please do consider coming back and talking to us again ...

Take care.

 

Sending best wishes your way,

Ellie

[tmp0620]

You don't want to die. Eventually you'll be able to get away from these people that are causing you so many problems. You just have to get through it. It will be worth the wait.

[Bethany]

I have to post this. I'm losing my mind. I have to post this. I'm done. I'm done. I can't hang on much longer

 

When you feel like this, STOP FIGHTING. Don't try to hang on, just let your mind and body 'fall'. Relax and go with it. Nothing will happen if you do, you will find, if anything, that your body and mind will center itself. There is no need to tensely fight your own body and mind, relax and let go.

 

It seems you have a problem from which you cannot escape from or find a solution to, which is why your mind plays the same thoughts, searching for a way out. Finding a solution releases you from those thoughts. There is ALWAYS a solution but sometimes our minds get stuck and we need a little help in finding one.

 

If you don't feel that you can talk about it to anyone on here, find SOMEONE you can trust. it is very important that you share your thoughts and that someone helps to find that solution if you cannot do it alone. Even if it's to try to look at someone or something from a different point of view, it will help you greatly.

 

Facing the fear inside you will also help, you will find it burning in the pit of your stomach. So sit down quietly someplace, relax, think about that fear and take a good look at it ok.

[Fatpot]

Sorry guys, I was emotionally distressed last night...couldn't type properly, But thanks a lot for being here for me, I really appreciate it.

[doyathink]

How are you feeling today?

 

Is there anywhere you can go for a while when things come crashing in on you like it did last night?

 

Even if you can go outside and jog around the block...it may help relieve some tension.

[Fatpot]

I'm feeling better today, last night was very surreal. Unfortunately, there is no where for me to go as I can't leave the house (long story). I popped an anti-depressant late last night and it seems to be doing the job, though I don't want to rely on them. Once again, I would like to thank everybody for being here for me.

[Daddy Bear]

We're happy to help. Most of us have been there, so don't feel like the Lone Ranger.

[Ellie2006]

Hey, FP, glad to hear that you're feeling better today

 

Remember, even if you are feeling like the Lone Ranger, he had Tonto by his side. Think of us as that: your Tonto, here to support you in any way we can! Take care and hope you have a great week ahead of you.