27, going on 28, never married, but want to be.....

[Batya33]

Thanks so much for your response - a bit hard to read because of the e.e. cummings style but interesting nonetheless. Sorry you found my disagreement as "blasting" - I understand it can be difficult sometimes to tell the difference between disagreement and a personal attack. I believe my response was clearly and simply a disagreement but, ok.

 

Bars are a place to meet marriage minded people and if you had read my response carefully I believe I wrote "not the best" place. That is my opinion for the reasons I stated.

 

I stand by my suggestions (based on my personal experiences and the experiences of hundreds of people - obviously different from your experience) and again, thanks for sharing your opinions! By the way, I did not include "on line" because I was referring to in person ways to meet people. I agree that on line is a great way to make that first introduction.

[ghost69]

agree to disagree bat. lol. anyways, i think online is one of the worst ways to meet somebody. too easy to be fooled, you can't make a great first impression, text is always taken the wrong way. look at how me and bat just argued. lame. text can be taken way out of context. let us know if you find a good way to meet somebody. also, how it is going if you did.

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[Batya33]

The way I met people on line was to e-mail once or twice, talk on the phone briefly once or twice and then meet in person for a 45 minute cup of coffee. Out of the over 100 men I met in person that way, I wanted to go on a second date with more than half of them because we clicked in person. I screened carefully for the liars and to the best of my knowledge only met in person a few liars (one lied about educational status, one was 6 inches shorter than he said he was, one was 50 pounds heavier and one was a pathological liar based on the stories from 3 of my friends who also were duped into meeting him).

 

Many of my friends are in happy marriages or engaged to people they met on line.

[ghost69]

well, you have been on over 100 dates from people online. tell you something? DON'T GO ONLINE! i'm sorry, but i like going out. i like looking at women in person, not a screenname. if i find a woman that is attractive, i talk to them. i would never anticipate waiting to meet up with them and then know that they aren't attractive. sorry bat, but i think online dating is for losers with no game. real life interaction is best for me.

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[Batya33]

Let's agree to disagree. Real life interaction can happen very quickly with on line dating and I would say that real life interaction when a person is drunk at a bar is not really indicative of the level of attraction or interest when sober, for example, so not all real life interaction is going to give a person a clear picture of someone else. I was always willing to put in 45 minutes of my time to meet a stranger in real life depending on how our phone conversation went.

 

You presume a lot from the "numbers" - all it meant was that out of the 100 men I met over a period of 5 years, none clicked enough to last past I believe 3 months. More than half asked me out again, I went out with about half of them (or more) again, had about 8 2-3 month relationships and more 4 or 5 date relationships. I also made some lasting friendships (and we are still in touch). Most of the men were "normal" and the main reason I did not want to see a particular man again was because we didn't click or have enough in common to warrant a second date. It was not because they were scary/creepy, etc (there were a few of those but you can meet those types in real life in many different ways).

 

So, for me, it was successful - it had nothing to do with how I met them as far as it not working out - just the general issue of - when you are looking for the long term - you need two people who click, who both want marriage in the same general time frame, and where the other timing issues work.

 

Those of my friends who met their spouses/fiancees that way are all people of high integrity and character and, for what it's worth are all professionals and educated (the high integrity and character is my main focus in that sentence!). None were desperate or losers, etc.

 

With all that I am in no way trying to convince you to try on line dating - it is not for everyone. However you are just plain wrong when you say it is for losers.

[ghost69]

all i'm saying is online people hang with online people. they have online meetings, etc. from what i know. i bet your friends that are married and met online are people that you met online. most go hand in hand here.

anyways, while you defend the online dating thing, i'm just going to point out that you bashed the bar thing. not eveyone is drunk there.

anyways, music guy needs to get out and stay away from the computer. you will have better luck.

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[Batya33]

No, I did not bash your idea of meeting women in bars. I'll repeat here that I said it is not the best place to meet marriage-minded women. I never said everyone was drunk - I did say that typically bars where you would go to meet a single person are loud, dark, crowded and have people who are drinking and at least some of them are buzzed or drunk. That is not "bashing" I am fine with your disagreeing that on line is a good place to meet marriage-minded people but you are 100% wrong that all people who meet potential dates on line are "losers."

 

None of my friends who met people on on line dating sites who they married or got engaged to are my friends through on line. The vast majority of people in my age group (over the last 6 years or so - in our 30s and up) who dated people they met on line had little or no interaction on line other than the dating site. Perhaps they had a "linkedin" business profile but no, no online chats or communities.

 

Again, certainly on line dating is not for you from what you have described given your mindset and generalizations about the people who initially meet through on line dating sites.

[musicguy]

I know a number of people who have met online and have a family and get married

[ghost69]

well there you go musicguy. so did you go out or online and meet anybody yet?

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[musicguy]

yeah, I'm talkin to a girl from town on myspace

[ghost69]

awesome. let us know how it goes. make sure you get pics first. don't let them describe, then you show up to meet and *bleck*. lol and i don't want to hear anybody on here say "what if she is really nice?" nice only goes so far. everyone must be physically attracted to one another.

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[Batya33]

I agree re the pictures and have found numerous times that chemistry/attraction in person has little to do with the photo - even if the photo was 100% accurate - at either end. And, I would limit the talking on myspace to one or two emails before talking on the phone and meeting in person ASAP unless you don't click well on the phone.

[ghost69]

a picture will let you know if you even have any physical taste in the person though.

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[Batya33]

Not always - sometimes I have screened out based on a tasteless photo or a definite "no way" - but I need to meet someone in person to know if I am physically attracted.

[ghost69]

i'm just saying bat...a pic can help you even get the wheels turnin at first.

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[Batya33]

No doubt, pictures are now essential (they were not in the times of printed personal ads) but I never let myself get too excited from a picture. For me chemistry and attraction are only relevant in person. I have met men who looked gorgeous in the picture and the body language, presense, personality - no chemistry whatsoever and I have had exactly the opposite happen too. Looks matter but are not my focus in selecting who to be involved with seriously.

[RayKay]

No doubt, pictures are now essential (they were not in the times of printed personal ads) but I never let myself get too excited from a picture. For me chemistry and attraction are only relevant in person. I have met men who looked gorgeous in the picture and the body language, presense, personality - no chemistry whatsoever and I have had exactly the opposite happen too. Looks matter but are not my focus in selecting who to be involved with seriously.

 

I also deliberately avoided "model shots": not only for me did I know that professional head shots are subject to lots of airbrushing etc, I think it spoke something about the person whom would put such shots up. I just was turned off when I saw them.

 

I preferred pictures of people in a more casual state, doing things they enjoyed. The first pic my boyfriend saw of me was me covered in mud from head to toe after riding my bike through a flash thunderstorm. He adored it even though I looked like..well I was just in rode through the mud in a thunderstorm!

 

I agree that chemistry does not translate to well, and you cannot determine if you are truly attracted, or not, from pictures alone. I need to see some photographs to at least increase chances they are whom they say, and there will be a base attraction (ie they are not overweight which for me is not something I want, 20 years older than they said, etc) but I don't rely on it.

[musicguy]

yeah she sent me recent pics today and we might meet up this weekend

[ghost69]

awesome. hope you get some. lol. anyways, bat, i'm just saying, if you see a pic and it's some nerdy bill gates looking guy, you think it is possible the pic is fuzzy and he could just turn out to be brad pitt?

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[Batya33]

That's assuming I want to date someone who looks like Brad Pitt or like a male model. I don't, actually - I would much rather date a guy you would describe as "nerdy" looking - as long as he looked intelligent and with kind eyes/kind smile. Unfortunately, I can't tell that for sure from a photo (the kind eyes/kind smile) but I did avoid men who scowled or glared or had a negative or mean look in a photo.