hurt... (1st Day of NC). she broke up with me last night.

[raheal_akh]

I hope some 1 reads my post and answers. my GF broke up our 4 years relationship last night on msn. we both were 19 when we started our relationship. It was my first relationship and we got hooked up after she broke with her ex who was my friend too, but turned out to be a loser.

Every relationship had ups n downs. In the beginning she wasnt sure if she can commit to me but hinted me to stay and became committed. a year ago we got aparted as she went to UK for her higher studies. It was a difficult moment but we both tried to cope up with it. Lots of things went on happening. the biggest of all we cudnt really see each other anymore. she even was unsure if we shud be together when she was there, but overcome it by opting to be with me.we had couple of arguments that were purely my faults result of my insecurities that affected her physical health as well. "spotting" due to extreme tension build up caused during that moment. I never meant it to be that way however if we werent distant it wudnt have occurred. i tried to take a back step, went on changing my self. but everytime she used to get upset it wud result in "spotting" (vaginal bleeding). I was scared to death.

 

she finally came back finishing up her higher studies last september 2005. She began acting strange. we met only couple of times. I just felt all that time that things are not going in the right direction. and then one day I asked her if i can send my parents to her place. back in late november. and she wasnt not sure then, she needed some time to think abt us. so she had a month break to decide if she wants to be with me or not. well her reason not to be with me was my family for some reason. well i really gave her all the space she needed by a moderate NC, i took a small vacation my self and during which NC. she didnt knw abt my vacation as she hadnt come back from her month's vacation as yet. She tried hard and found out where did i go to and when wud i come back. I came back last thursday and she greets me with a welcoming msg.I didnt reply. In the evening I get her call which i attended. We just talk abt casual stuff and ends the call. next day which was sunday 21st 2007. she comes on Msn talks abt trivial stuff. I ask her that she owes me an answer and if she is willing to give it to me now and she decided to tell to it me by meeting on monday 22nd 2007. we were suppose to meet yesterday but she drops the plan of meeting up and apologizes for it. I was very direct and didnt create a big fuss, though she found it to be a bit cold. Last night she came back on msn and ended our relationship and gave me the reason that she cant compromise with my family, and she can neither cut me from my family cos it will be unfair to me. In her words she mentioned that "It may sound cheap but if i can be in touch with her" after this.and i can talk to her in my low moments to get support. i said i cant be friends or ex and get in touch and she also mentioned abt the possiblity of seeing each other with our mutual friends. to which I said "you dnt hav to worry abt it, u wont hav to". she appreciated all the things I did for her. (the most prominent one). and wrote "I get the girl who knows the true worth of me". and I get to be happy with her. she wanted to talk more but then I just wished her all the best and said "I hope you get wht u want in life" and said "bye". i got her last msg on msn asking me to wait but I left.

 

I love her like hell. and during the past 1 month I hav noticed some good changes in me as well, perhaps they are late to be noticed by any one. i was in touch with enotalone so DID Nothing to screw things up, yeh couple of phone calls which turned out to be disappointment last month.

 

I havnt contacted her since last night. I am a mess trying to cope up with things. cant really give up thinking abt her and just imagining that she broke up with me cos of my family as mentioned by her. I dnt knw if i will ever hav her back. i wish i knew then wht i know now. will i get her back. will she be ok after a while. will we be back together.?

 

NC is the harddest part. had the longest night ever.

[Joneysnai]

it sounds like you are quick to throw away this 4 year relationship of yours. u said she asked u not to leave last night but you went off msn? how come u didn't stay and talk about things and get a clear understanding of what is going on? it doesn't sound like she is ready to settle down with you but it also sounds like you guys don't have good communication either. did she make it clear to u this relationship isn't going to work because of your family? it took her this long to figure this out? it doesn't make sense, and i am pretty sure there is more to it then just your family.

 

not sure if you guys will get back together but having no contact is very very hard when you just break up with each other. hundreds of questions are probably going through your head as well as alot of pain.

 

don't contact her and see if she contacts you because if she contacts you she might still want to resolve your issues. i just can't imagine anyone throwing away a relationship they've invested in for so long. if she doesn't contact you, try to keep yourself busy. what always works for me is going to a bookstore and reading up on self help books hehe. i usually read the men are from mars and women are from venus types though.

[raheal_akh]

thanks for the response there. you are right. its probably more than the family issue and family issue came out as a surprise too 3 months back. though she always said she wud try to adjust with my family once we get married but 2 days back she said. "I knw a girl paves her way, but my way is not paved at all." As i told you i never wanted a break-up. She wanted to meet up for the last time having said all that on the msn and wanted me to stay in touch.

I disagreed with it ! as i found it cheap for her to breakup with me over msn despite of meeting me and then discussing wht she has for us.

You are right we have communications prb lately too. its just like we never got a chance to talk in detail.

 

I was on Msn today with 'Appear offline' Status. She showed up, hasnt blocked me. I didnt get any offline msgs any emails. she left. Well i am very shy kind of guy specially when it comes to 'Girls' . cant express my feelings well. She was the only girl i felt so comfortable talking to and cud talk abt anything. I am also worried it may hav to do something with her health, she is hiding and trying to get away from me due to that. She apologized for her behavior as well 2 days ago and how she has ben behaving ever since september and really asked me to forgive her like a kid.

 

I hope we get back together soon. cos life has fallen apart. Please advice on 'if she calls, how to make her speak abt other issues'.

[raheal_akh]

just to add something. last night she also asked me to delete all the pictures email i hav of her cos they wud make things even more painful for me together with wishing me best of luck and getting the right mate some day.

[raheal_akh]

cudnt stick on to NC, went online she initiated the talk asking

her: hi

How are you

Wrong question to ask

me: not great but ok

how abt your self

her: yeh i am fine too

 

(just casual short talk)

 

her: Thanks for talking

and understanding

and not getting mad at me

me: I am respecting your wishes

me: I have to make a move

her: I wont stop you

 

I made it look quick short and closed the conversation. It seems like, it really ended. perhaps not !! only time will tell. planning to go for a NC for some time. Wud it be the right thing to do. Plz advice.

[need2bme]

Please type your words out.

 

I think the right thing to do is to totally tell he how you feel. Tell her you want to give her time and then do NC.

 

She knows how to contact you; right?

[raheal_akh]

thanks for the advice, i may not hav mentioned it. he asked for a week to decide that was like 2 months back. i gave her a month to decide with minimum contact during that time. I went on vacation without telling her.this gave her another extra 2 weeks. she tired hard and found out where i was. I came back and she welcomed me. we had small talks after that that was at the beginning of this week. last night as i mentioned she sent me msg online as soon as i went online to which i replied. well i am giving her all the time, i am not saying i am forgetting her. I love her so dearly and want her back. i dnt wana push her away by being needy. as i said i am respecting her wishes. I pray to Lord that she comes back to me... may be her feelings or interest at the moment towards me have faded away...i hope she gets them back before its too late. she was shocked to see i guess how well i took up the breakup thing.

[raheal_akh]

I cant let go thinking abt her. Was she emotionally stressed that she let me go. I know she loves me like crazy but she has emotional issues too. She has become extremely sensitive during the past 6 months. 3rd Day goes in and i am wishing she calls up and says that she changes her mind and it was just an emotional hype she was going thru all this while and she is letting it out of her mind and body.

[Wandering_Sword]

I know what you're feeling. This is like a fever, can't sleep and can't eat. The cold shakes just do a job on your everyday activities. In your situation (you would know better then anybody) NC is a good way for you to step back and try to look at the big picture with your mind and not with your heart. In your current state you think that this might be abandonment on your side, but really it isn't. It's a way to repair yourself and if the opportunity arises (beware of false hope though) for you and your ex to get back together you will be in a better frame of mind to deal with it, instead of a simpering pile of thankful goo that is kowtowing that she is giving you the time of day (I was like that until I could properly do NC).

A year ago I would have slapped myself, *argh* and I am to a degree still disappointed with myself for the way I behaved in front of her.

Here's a tip (I am a big advocate of this), go for a run or head to the gym everytime the heart befuddles your mind. Working out not only releases those wonderful endorphins, but also gets you in shape (making you look good), makes you very tired (making you feel good) and puts you in so much soreness that you can't even think of the ex.

[raheal_akh]

find something pretty weird. the other day when she broke up with me. she asked me to delete all of her emails and pictures so that it reduces the pain for me.

I was just checking my inbox as i had few of her emails i did send to her. they werent there.seems like she just came in my account and deleted them. well the most obvious reason cud be her thinking i may use against her. I wud never do that. i am not a loser. It feels even worse, whts up her mind. I wish she understand who i really am.

i hav stepped into the 4th day of breakup and its not getting easy at all and after knowing wht just happened it feels even worse. I love her like anything wud cos her harm in any way. i hav set her free and respecting her wishes in every way i can. I pray things are back together and this time much better. thank you guys for ur support. It just make me reaslise i am not alone. Agh it hurts so bad. I hav no contact with her during the last 4 days though when i went online the first 2 days very small conversation. I didnt go online as it was tempting and at the same time hurting. trying to keep myself buzy making me forcefully sit infront of the TV. Cant let a person who u hav ben for 4 years that easily. i dnt think so i ever wud. and even if i do. there is going to be an empty gap a fear that i can never over come, as this was the only relationship i hav. seems an eternal one to me.i hope it is.

[Wandering_Sword]

It's good that your unloading here instead of in front of her. I wish I had found these forums early in my break. But I believe its never too late to pull things back and bring back some of that dignity. You will be fine, trust me. Things will be rough and they will be rough for a long while but the frequency of the "rough days" will be diminished and you will have more better days in the long run. You will feel a twinge every so often but by an large you will be fine. Moping in front of the TV can be ok for a bit, but it doesn't do much for the health. Fresh air and the company of others can also go a very long way.

Sometimes my words and others seem so distant because you are reading them but we are here for you. Keep up the good work and keep focussed. Too bad all the people on this forum can't meet somewhere in a giant cafe or park and just hang-out. I think we can all be good company for each other.

[raheal_akh]

thanks a lot for that punch. I tried not to cry for the last few days or just few tears. I cried a lot today in the car for some reason. the songs played on the radio were describing somewht Wht i was going thru. I thot abt hangin with friends, but for some reason ill just ruin it for them too. I want to be alone for sometimes,nobody knws wht happened except for may be u guys at the forum. My life has just fallen apart. I know I had something not unlucky ppl hav. but its just moving away from me. secretly i am hoping she wud return to me, after all the intimate moments we hav spent together. It has just got me so emotionally attached and no matter how hard i try i cant let it go. i just cant. is it a normal feeling ?. I was thinking shall i call her and discuss if we can come up to some mutual agreement. but it scares me, wht if it doesnt happen.

Today is the 5th day ever since she explained me the reason y we cant be together and I havnt had any contact with her for the past 3 days and it hurts like hell. Every time my mobile rings my heart says its her only to find out its some one else.

[Wandering_Sword]

Hold on! Don't contact her, quick somebody get Super Dave and his duct tape we're losing him!

Seriously though, don't contact her. In your current state; as you described in your last post, is not a good way to present yourself to her. Now I'm not saying you should never contact her. But contact her on your terms. You need to be in control of yourself before even thinking about talking to her. In your present condition you can easily breakdown or regress to begging and pleading. So before you break NC (which I recommend you don't) regain the old self that attracted her to you in the first place, gain some new perspective in life, go exercise, take a trip and just plain get out there with your friends. You won't be dragging down your friends because they're YOUR friends. They will take care of you when your down and vice versa. Would you not want to assist your friends if they're feeling down?

I know it's rough, the days blend into each other and you can't tell or don't want to know what day it is. What you are experiencing is normal but the pain (or fever) will pass and for the first time in what seemed like forever you will feel much, much better.

Everybody heals at their own rate, for me after moping about for a week I pushed myself out that door and walked amongst the world. Yes, there were plenty of things out there that reminded me of her but there were also many more things that reminded me that there is a vast world to explore and new people to meet, only if I gave it the chance. I'm not saying forget your ex. You will always have a place in your heart for her and it is normal to still hold out for that hope of a return, but don't put the brakes on your own life because of her. Go forward and improve yourself; keep her in your heart if you have to but never stop the ride that is called your life.

[raheal_akh]

thanks for the wonderful advice. you are right. I was just thinking in the morning. girls these day needs to hav their independent life once they get married and the current condition is that she wud need to stay with my family which scares her. I had an interview since long which i decided to take it today. its in a different city all together. I am going for it and if i get selected It may change my life and make me more independent and even if she still says No. I guess i ll be in a worse condition i am right now. but u knw wht... I am going to take my chance. atleast thats the best I can do.cos i believe passionate love and great career comes by taking big risk. and i am going for it. wish me luck.

[Wandering_Sword]

Good, good, you're slowly seeing the light Go forward and enjoy yourself there is just way too much out there to do. Good luck and always remember, don't let this setback put your life on hold.

[raheal_akh]

hey after i was coming back from the interview which went excellent. She called me. she had some prb with her Internet not working and wanted me to tell her how to fix it. I told her I am coming from this city where i had my interview and she was like surprised.newaz she asked me 2 call her back when i reach home to which i said I will see when i get back. Please guys tell me shall i call her back or wait for her to call me again.

I mean it hurts to know that she is calling up for this and not calling to apologzie for wht she did. I am not taking any meanings out of why she called. She was energetic as she always used to be...

Some quick advice please. I dnt want to be harsh but dnt wana be easy giving in as i always was.

Please some 1 plz help....!!

[Wandering_Sword]

You did say you'll try to call her when you got back from your interview (BTW, good to hear that your interview went well) so it wouldn't be so bad if you did not call her back immediately. Besides, its only a problem with the internet, who cares? She's an adult and she dumped you, so she can take care of herself. Don't bother calling is what I'm saying. If she calls and asks why you didn't call her back, just tell her things got really busy for you and you forgot. Or you could just say that you went out and it was late when you got back home. Don't bother calling her back and just let it go. This is not being vindictive, its just a matter of "who cares about your problems?" since you have to deal with your own in the first place.

[raheal_akh]

thanks for saying wht i exactly had in mind. I didnt call her when i came back. its like if she wants to call she can call me again too. so here i am today sitting at my work place thinking my phone will ring any moment and i hav decided wht i will do too. which is 2 reject her call and send her a msg saying "i am a lil busy right now can u call me in the evening ?". I hope it doesnt sound rude. cos I really want things to be back together between us but everybody has to learn their lesson as i hav learned mine and learned from my mistakes. Does it make any sense ?

[raheal_akh]

so i get a call from her few minutes back, which offcourse i didnt pick up as it was just rang twice. perhaps she was expecting i wud call her back. I sent her a msg back instead saying "I m a lil busy right now. Can you call me some times in the evening". and guess wht I kinda anticipated her reaction too.

I got a msg back

 

"Sorry. didnt mean to disturb you. I just needed to ask a couple of questions on how to format my computer. I guess I'll Manage it myself. Thanks anyways.".

 

I didnt msg back. well right now I dnt know where things will head on from here. any thot on the current situation. as last time I remember I helped her formating her computer. she did it by herself then.

 

Well once again I want us to be closer not to get us further apart. Guys I need help.

[raheal_akh]

alr8 she gives me a call as she did manage to format her harddisk and was stuck at a place. she called asking if i am busy and I was like yeh kind of but go ahead and she was like I hav a quick question. and i said it in a firm tone "I think i sent you a msg" and she insisted on saying its something very quick. I was again like call me some times in the evening and then we put down the phone saying bye to each other. We heart was pounding when i was saying all that. guess it wasnt with my tongue.

after the phone call ends. I get a msg instantly saying "Sorry".

 

well I am really confused now. I dnt know how to handle the situation. is something being indicated by all this. I am still expecting to hav her call in the evening though and i will answer it and try to sort her prb out. any advice

[Wandering_Sword]

Don't read too much into it. You did ask her to call you at night so just wait till then. You're at work, so she does not get the same preferential treatment like to the old days. Maintain the LC you have going now and if she doesn't call you tonight just let it go. But on no terms should you ever call her. She made the move to leave and move on with her life and as did you (in her eyes) so any special treatment she is expecting or assist will have to take a backburner to your life. If she needs help with her computer, she can call a computer shop.

If she asks why or if you're mad at her, tell her that is not the case. If you were mad at her you would not be speaking to her. Just tell her things are fine between you guys (only if she pushes to talk about the relationship) and just tell her things are really busy for you (don't elaborate on it) and get off the phone (make sure you get off first) telling her you have to go out or your meeting some people. From there just go back to NC. You don't need this contact yet. The only reason I make these suggestions is because it sounds like you're in a world of hurt and need this time to recover.

[raheal_akh]

well to be honest wht ever you are saying makes sense. I came back and had the NC for today as well if she doesnt call and guess wht I thot of it as like this. She called me like 3 times for it and I was like it may be rude from my side. So i just gave her a miss call just to let her know that Ok I am ready If she wants to call. this was like an hour ago. No call back as yet and I am assuming she wudnt call back. It may be on to her ego now.

 

Wandering_Sword , you know the hardest part is getting to do something against your will, against you nature and try to be some1 u are not...

That just made me call her so for the records I wanted that thing to remain there...

Ill maintain strict NC.

I was wondering incase if she shows signs of coming back. she has to be direct which I know not many ppl wud. wht shud I say to make her speak If she says in an indirect way...

I know last monday exactly at this moment I lost my world. Feeling down and wondering If things will ever get back together.

I feel like crying a lot.

[raheal_akh]

wandering_sword I really appreciate your quick response to all my posts. you were like some 1 who really cared. and I really thank you for this.

Though I have realised one thing. She may not be coming back. Cos in the past I hav hurt her so bad that has pushed her away from me and she doesnt want to experience the same pain any more and she come up with a reason to break up with me.

I did change my self but may be it was close to a lil too late. Never mind, I did give it a try and the fact is, Wht i hav for her in my heart, I never had it so consistently ever b4. Today I can truly say I love her. I pray that she finds all the happiness in her life.

I have nothing against her, I hav no regrets that she said we cant be together cos she cant compromise with my family upto the level any 1 will expect her too. and i wud happily accept her if she comes back to me.

 

I will keep posting here. its a good way of venting out and knowing that there are so many ppl u dnt even know still cares cos they are human.

I ll cry a lot today and remember all the good times we two had and all the bad times that cud hav ben avoided. To all of you guys, keep your spirits high and never lose your human element.

[Wandering_Sword]

I personally, don't think she will be indirect with you if she wants you back. If she really wants you back, even if you go NC and go to another city, she will find some way to force the issue. So I wouldn't worry about her being mysterious and giving you signs. That's just too much analyzing and head work, and ultimately it will drive you nuts. I've been through what you are going through now, but trust me when I say that it will get better and you won't feel as bad as you do now. The final thing I can recommend to you is that you ask her to stop calling you. Tell her what you need to tell her (how you feel about her) and then ask her that she not call you anymore. I know this will be hard but its the only way you can get your feelings accross one last time before you go and heal from this experience. This last part is entirely up to you. I'm not saying that this step is necessary but it will definitely help you onto the road to recovery quicker.

Also, don't be too hard on yourself. Everybody makes mistakes, its whether we can learn from them, change them (if necessary) and improve ourselves. If your ex can't see it now, who knows, maybe she will see it later when (or if) your paths ever cross again. But until that day comes, you would not want her to see you in such a sorry state. Rebuild yourself and gather all those positive things about you and bring them out again. Like that old saying, "When God closes one door he opens two more." Take care friend and you will make it through this.

[raheal_akh]

thanks once again for that support. I am getting it when i need it.

Here is another update I get offline msgs from her on msn last night. It was like 1:15, so not the time she is online.

here is wht she sent me

her: hi

"sorry for bothering u yesterday "

"but u can say I am just so used to coming to u when i am in some problem"

"didnt mean to"

"but slowly this habbit will go away"

"anyways, still thanks for ur time"

"and thanks for being so sweet to call me in the night "

"i am sorry once again for disturbing u in ur work"

"i dont know why i just took u for granted i guess"

 

I feel terrible. I wana say a lot of things here but I knw i just cant. and i knw another thing too. I am not taking out any hidden meanings out of this and taking it exactly how it is. Well it wud be appropriate for me to send her an email telling her how I feel abt all so that i can start on with the process of recovery as you say. I would wait for a day or two. I guess.

 

I had something else in my mind too. that is if i get selected for the other job. right b4 I move I am going to ask her politetly if she wants us to be back together. I dnt knw if that wud be the most apropriate thing to do. But I know by the time I ask her for that I wudnt be having high hopes.

Wandering_sword thanks for being there pal for listening to me and posting here. Thanks.