NC broken by my ex, 3 weeks down the drain :(

[spikespiegel]

Well, after doing pretty good and not talking to my ex-girlfriend at all for just over 3 weeks, I got a text from her last night. My grandfather had passed away about a week ago and she sent me a text passing along her sympathy, and asking if I was ok. I had about an hour of work left, so I decided to wait until I left at least to decide whether to reply or not.

 

So I get home and get something to eat and watch a bit of TV, still deciding about texting her back. I check my phone again, and there is a second message from her now, saying "are you not going to reply?". This was about 2 hours after her first text, and at about 1 in the morning. I waited a little bit and decided that I would just send a short thank you, since I didn't want to be a jerk, and I DID appreciate that she was thoughtful enough to send her sympathy. My message pretty much said "yes, he passed away a week ago. i'm doing ok, it's been a rough week. thanks for thinking of me."

 

I didn't get a reply back from her. I don't know why, but I expected one for some reason...

 

Although I appreciate her thoughts, and loved hearing from her, I feel like I've been set back now, which sucks Back to NC I guess... I miss her so much

[DN]

It's the sort of thing that exes do thinking that they will be compassionate. Just take it as a kind thought and nothing else.

[brdsong]

This is a toughy. It's really hard to make that NC decision, and I know that when it's broken it brings all those feelings to the fore. I've been going through similar myself.

But I have a theory, maybe many people here will disagree with, but I'm going to say it anyway.

I think a total lack of contact is not necessarily the right way to go. You need to get used to the occasional contact. Because its a fact of life that when a relationship ends it doesn't mean you wont move in the same circles and your paths wont cross, possibly regulary. If you depend on avoiding all contact to help you heal, then incidents like this WILL set you back.

I'm no expert, and probably completely wrong, but once you get past the sending twenty desperate texts a day stage, and checking your phone every milli-second, as I do, then the occasional amicalble conversation or text won't feel as damaging. give it time

[blender]

You did the right thing, you were mature and kindly sent a "thank you".. it's not a "setback" it just "feels" like one... believe me you would be feeling a whole lot worse if you had chosen to "ignore" a "sympathy regarding your grandfather".. so rest assure that even though she did not reply, it's doesn't matter what SHE does, you can feel good about YOURSELF and the fact that you sent a simple "thank you"... you did the right thing.. now "let go" again.. as difficult as it is.. be proud of yourself for having sent a "thank you"... it shows YOUR classiness, maturity, and you can feel so good about that... no worries about HER not responding, that is HER ISSUE, not yours..

 

So many times 'exes' do whatever makes THEM feel good about THEMSELVES... and it has very little to do with you... none of the "negative" things they have said to you should hold any "power" and the same goes for those small little hopeful seemingly "positive" friendly texts type of things.. the point is, DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING SHE DOES PERSONALLY, it's all about HER... I mean 'YOUR GRANDFATHER" passed away, and SHE has the nerve to send a second text saying "you're not going to respond?"..ugh.. selfish, selfish, selfish..it's all about HER.

 

let her live with the fact that YOU had the maturity and class to send a "thank you" and you can be proud that is all you did.. good for you.. now let go, get busy with YOUR OWN LIFE...

[terk2021]

Spike, I feel for you. First off, I am sorry to hear about your Grandfather. Losing a loved one is never easy. No matter what the circumstance, I hate hearing from an ex, unless it's an emergency, or there are thoughts of reconciliation. Relationships end for a reason, otherwise they would not end. I have had ex's in the past send me a birthday message or a simpathy message. Truthfully, I did not like it.

 

I think in time we tend to forgive our ex's for things they did or did not do. A lot depends on the person, but I would prefer not to hear from my ex's... I have been on both sides. If I have dumped someone, I have no idea why they would want to hear from me, even if it was for sympathy, unless I was truly ready to be there for them.

 

I think sometimes people send those messages to satisfy their conscious that they are not a bad person...

 

Oh well, every situation is different, and I am sorry for your loss. Good luck my friend.

[friscodj]

Hey spike-

 

First of all, get the idea of "three weeks down the drain" out of your head. You're doing great buddy, you're doing great. You were dealt a tough situation and you handled it the best anyone could have. Your response to her selfish and controlling second text was the best given the circumstances. A deer jumped in front of you on the highway and you swerved around it. It surprised you, it scared you a bit, but you got the job done and you are back in the fast lane.

 

Just because "NC" is broken does not mean it is bad or set you back. I think what people refer to as "NC" around here goes deeper than physical contact. You can see and/or talk to the other person, but that is only the surface of this. On a deeper level, the "no contact" with your emotional direction with this is still on track. You are not basing your actions on her, what effect you think they will have on her, you are not living your life based on her. You seem to be getting on top of this.

 

You were doing good before this situation occurred, you did good with how you handled it, and you will continue to do good with all of this.

[spikespiegel]

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

 

I feel even worse right now...

 

She texted me this afternoon, actually RIGHT after I posted my original post. She was replying to my message, which I ended by saying "thank you for thinking of me, that was nice". She said "of course. will you tell me what happened?" I should have just stopped, but I told her I would tell her, but it would have to be an e-mail, because texting would take too long. So I e-mailed her the general story of what happened with my Grandpa, I didn't delve into my feelings or anything, as much as I wanted to scream to her, I MISS YOU!!! She replied to it, a nice e-mail sympathizing and relating my feelings to her Grandmother passing several years back.

 

Strange thing... she ended the e-mail by saying "I wish I could have been there for you, but from what it sounded like you got enough support from your roommate and friends. Hope all is well." It's funny she mentioned my roommate, because my roommate is a female friend of mine, and also my cousin's girlfriend of 4 years, so it's not like there's anything going on there lol. My ex has always greatly disliked my roommate, because she gossips a LOT, and has gossiped quite a bit about my ex. Is it just me, or does there seem to be more than a little jealousy lurking there? What is that all about?

 

I don't know what to make of all of this. Sometimes things just seem so incredibly difficult. It's been a month and a half since she broke up with me, and I still think about her almost 24/7. I just want the hurt to go away now

[friscodj]

What is that all about?

 

I'll tell you what I think. I think she is grieving and confused too. This is not easy for her either and the grief is playing tricks with her head as much as it is with yours. In my experience, the first few days after a split are not so bad or even pretty good. The real grief starts sinking its teeth and talons into your tender heart a few weeks later...and that sounds to be happening now for both of you...

 

So in situations like this, you need to take the grief out of the equation. You don't want grief to motivate someone to do something because grief goes away and with it, the desire and motivation to do what they did because of it, namely, any thought of reconciliation with this woman. What did she do before the grief? She broke up with you! She could have been with you, she could have chosen to work on whatever issues were present in the relationship, but she split. Never forget that.

 

Now she wants what she wants, when, and how she wants it. Her texts to you were kind on one level and manipulative on another. She is also getting aggressive with getting what she wants out of you, the same way she took control of the situation and broke up with you.

 

An important component to getting over situations like this is achieving balance. Right now, she, a person who left you behind, is running your life. That is very much true. At some point here, I guarantee you that you will have to get more aggressive in taking control of your own life, you will need to be more firm with her in telling her to leave you alone to give you the time and distance you need (and it is a legitimate need I think) to get to better places with this and achieve a balance between you.

 

To get to this point, I would bet my life savings she gets tougher with you to keep getting what she wants, when, and how she wants it from you in terms of communication and information. This thing is going to get worse before it gets better I think in that sense. When you start standing up for yourself, really telling her how it is, I strongly suspect she will come at you with the heavy artillery of manipulation to get what she wants from you. Realize, it is OK to be firm in situations like this and if social graces go out the window to get your point accross, so be it.

 

In short, you need to tell this girl not to contact you anymore. Period. There is absolutely no need to continue to feel worse on the heels of her communications with you.

[spikespiegel]

friscodj, thank you for the advice. I think you're right, that being firm and telling her we can't speak is going to be the best thing for me. It really sucks because I DO miss hearing from her, I was the dumpee and I would love for some sort of reconciliation to happen, but I can't sit around hoping for it, or I'll drive myself absolutely crazy.

 

Now I need someone to either stop me from doing something crazy, or tell me this is a good idea, or something. I just need some feedback.

 

I was considering sending her an e-mail maybe tomorrow or the next day, thanking her for her sympathy again, but telling her that we cannot have any contact. I think this part is fine.

 

Now here's the part I'm not sure of... because it would be putting myself out there. I was going to put the disclaimer, the only reason we should talk is if you decide that what we had is worth it, and that you want to start over with me. I was also going to say something to the effect of "don't wait too long though because I'm not going to either". I would obviously elaborate a bit, but that's the gist of what I was thinking. It would be completely putting myself out there to get shot down again, but at least then I'd hopefully have a concrete answer one way or the other, you know? She has been very vague the entire breakup. When asked if this is it, or if this is just a break, her only reply has been "I don't know what the future holds". I think that's part of the reason I'm still holding on so tightly.

 

So: Yes? No? Why? Suggestions?

[friscodj]

Hey spike-

 

This situation is classic. Here it is...

 

You are leaving the responsibility to make decisions for your life to someone who is confused. Remember this is your life, you are not confused here, and you are in a much better place to be able to make decisions for the direction of your life than she is.

 

In short, your email is fine. Tell her what, when, and why without becoming too wordy or emotional so as to take punctuation away from the basic message that you cannot remain in contact with her. You can leave the part about contacting you out because you are in charge here. You are not vague, you are straight and firm. Her vagueness is not a function of her desire to be with you, it is a function of her resistance to let you go because it will be more difficult for her. You want someone who wants to be with you and since she is not with you, she does not want to be with you. Accept this fact and base your actions on the truth behind it.

 

I also suspect she will "retaliate" to some degree after reading your compelling message to her in denial of what you're telling her. Expect to hear from her, expect resistance, and expect to be tested. You are taking away something she wants, i.e., keeping you at a comfortable distance for her peace of mind, and she will not like that at all.

[keefy1972]

I don't personally think it's ever a good idea to announce no contact. I know plenty would disagree with me here, but, I would simply break the line of communication myself, without explanation.

 

If she emails or texts you again, I would simply delete it, if it doesn't have the content of what you want. No replies, no acknowledgement, no anything. Give her 3 or 4 times of getting nothing and she's going to appreciate every word you say to her after that.

 

Frisco is right in that she is being manipulative, as evidenced by the second text she'd sent. You have to show that you have control over the situation and she can't pull your strings as she wishes.

[friscodj]

I don't personally think it's ever a good idea to announce no contact. I know plenty would disagree with me here, but, I would simply break the line of communication myself, without explanation.

 

If she emails or texts you again, I would simply delete it, if it doesn't have the content of what you want. No replies, no acknowledgement, no anything. Give her 3 or 4 times of getting nothing and she's going to appreciate every word you say to her after that.

 

Frisco is right in that she is being manipulative, as evidenced by the second text she'd sent. You have to show that you have control over the situation and she can't pull your strings as she wishes.

 

I think you could go either way here, announcement or not, but the more important part is sticking to it. That is key and will be much harder I think especially given the established history and pattern here of the amount of time you've been together and her being in control of the situation.

 

Standing up for yourself with actively taking the distance you need at the expense of her comfort and the associated silence will come as a shock to her I think, and in many senses a blow to her ego. It will be a deviation from the established history between you two and won't be taken easily I bet. I also bet she comes at you with the classic questions, "Why are you doing this?" or "I can't believe you want to throw away what we had", things to this effect. Get ready...

[spikespiegel]

I know you guys are right... God it sucks though. I'm feeling better today than I did the last two days, I was actually pretty down again after our contact.

 

keefy, I like the part you said about just delete or ignore any contact unless it has the content that I'm looking for. I'm going to stick with that, now I'm just trying to decide if I actually want to send her an e-mail and firmly tell her NO MORE, or if I will just resume NC as it was.

 

friscodj, you're right about the control of the situation too, and it sucks, because I actually felt like I had control during the weeks of NC we had. The last contact we had was actually a kind of biting text that she sent me about the fact that I was back on Myspace. I chose to just ignore it, and felt as though I was the bigger person in that case.

 

Now frisco, here's another question for you: You say that I should be firm and tell her that we can't talk anymore. I did that on Christmas Eve, the last time we saw each other in person, so she knows, or at least knew, how I felt about it back then. Do you think I really need to re-state that to her, or just resume the NC? Or is it really a toss-up in this case?

[friscodj]

friscodj, you're right about the control of the situation too, and it sucks, because I actually felt like I had control during the weeks of NC we had. The last contact we had was actually a kind of biting text that she sent me about the fact that I was back on Myspace. I chose to just ignore it, and felt as though I was the bigger person in that case.

 

Well, go back to the period of NC then!

 

From here on out, not only ignore her contacts, but don't even read them. There is no point, unless you want to keep getting biting messages and the resulting frustration...which is likely just what she wants. And when that doesn't work, i.e., when you ignore those communications, she may tell you what you want to hear to get you back to a comfortable distance, after which things will go right back to the way they are now.

 

Do you really think, not hope or feel, that in light of all these misguided communications that stir up all this frustration within you, she will suddenly and genuinely reverse field, do a complete and permanent 180, and you guys will live happily ever after?

 

Now frisco, here's another question for you: You say that I should be firm and tell her that we can't talk anymore. I did that on Christmas Eve, the last time we saw each other in person, so she knows, or at least knew, how I felt about it back then. Do you think I really need to re-state that to her, or just resume the NC? Or is it really a toss-up in this case?

 

Like I said before, you need to back it up. She either didn't believe your words the first time or disrespected your wishes and put her interests before yours. At any rate, now your words will hold less weight with her because of this pattern that is developing, i.e., you say but don't do. This means you have to follow through with distance and the resulting silence to punch through her veil of denial and/or selfishness.