Ex Girlfriend driving me nuts

[InLoveAndWaiting]

My ex is driving me nuts. She told me a little over a month ago that she missed spending time together, ps=I love you. We were doing great a few weeks ago and were talking everyday. She is very busy as she is a single mom of a 1 and 6 yr. old. She hasn't been the same though lately, she has become somewhat distant. She isn't calling me as much and not returning phone calls.

 

I asked her 3 days ago when we spoke on the phone if everything was ok, I told her she hasn't seemed like herself. She said she has been very tired and is very stressed out. She said that when she isn't busy, all she wants to do is sleep or do absolutely nothing. She said she knows it doesn't sound fair to other people right now, but that is how she feels.

 

She just changed jobs, and she is very stressed because she is behind on alot of bills. Everything in her life right now is stressing her out. I know she has suffered from depression in the past and I believe she is now. I don't know what to do. She has just stopped calling me completely for what seems to be no reason.

 

I called her this morning of course to only get her voicemail and left no message. I texted her a little while later asking if everything has been ok, that we haven't talked much lately.

 

I guess I'm just not going to call anymore and see if she does. I love her and care about her and have always been there for her, but I don't deserve this.

 

What should I do? I believe that the combination of stress in her life along with probably not knowing what she wants is a recipe for my heartache.

 

I can't figure her out and I don't know where to go from here?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey In L and W - I think you said it yourself - let her be for a while. Maybe she just needs some time to herself right now. I know sometimes I do.

 

Does she have anyone she trusts her kids with? I mean, does she ever get time away from the kids?

[InLoveAndWaiting]

The kids are from separate fathers and she does not have a good relationship with the youngest one's father. The oldest goes to her dad's every other weekend. She trusts me with the kids and knows that I would love to watch them whenever I got the chance, and she is more comfortable with me watching the youngest than her own father. I just watched them all day for her this past Monday on MLK day so she could go to work.

 

She never gets much time away from the kids, no one really ever wants to keep them for the day and I don't think she wants to ask anyone much, as if it's a burden.

 

Should I leave her one last message telling her that I understand that she may want time to herself now and I respect that. That if she needs anyone to talk to or needs anything that I will be here for her.

 

Anyone have any more advice on this?

[InLoveAndWaiting]

My ex has not called me or returned my calls now for 5 days. Things between us were going fine and all the sudden she isn't returning calls or answering them. Something is wrong, but I don't know what. I did not try to call today because I figured I'd get the same reponse, no answer.

 

How long should I wait until I call again? I'm just left hanging wondering why.

 

I was thinking if I don't hear from her soon, I'm going to stop by her apartment one afternoon and see what is wrong, I deserve to know what's going on.

 

She said she wanted to spend more time together and take things slow, but she has been very stressed lately.

 

What should I do?

[southerngirl]

Dont call her anymore. Give her space and wait for her to call you.

[InLoveAndWaiting]

She sent me a text back on Dec. 11 that read, "Hey, I don't know how to say this but I've had alot of time to think and I really miss spending time together ps=I love you ;-)"

 

How would you all interpret this statement?

 

The I love you has thrown me off now. She asked me how I felt about everything awhile back and I told her that I still had the same feelings for her and that I believe I pushed her away more when we first split. I told her that it took me awhile to realize that if things were going to work out, they would.

 

I took all this as if she wanted a possibility of getting back together but wanted to take things slow. We spoke about it and she said she wanted to take things slow, I agreed.

 

Back on Jan. 1, she asked me if she could borrow $725 to help pay her rent for that month. She said that her last paycheck was not right and that she didn't have enough to pay for this month. She had a very tough time asking me and felt really bad. I loaned her the money and she wrote me a check for the same amount saying that as soon as she got the money in the bank I could deposit it. I know she doesn't have the money now and i still have the check. She is behind on other bills, she has even had her satellite shut off for past due.

 

She has a 1 and 6 yr. old and I care about all of them very much. I wanted to help her because I love her and she really needed me. She is very stressed and has just switched jobs for a little more money. She is going thru a tough time right now and I know it's affecting her.

 

She just stopped calling, don't know why. It is bothering me alot and I want to find out why. She said she wanted back in my life but now I'm being treated like this. I don't believe she knows what she wants.

 

I know that her kids come first and I hope they are doing ok. I told her that I would always be there for her, she knows that, and I have been.

 

Now I feel like I'm being used, like I'm being kept around for when she needs something.

 

Where do I go from here? This has to be talked about.

[blender]

ugh...okay the ONLY thing you can do right now is to figure out how YOU feel about all this, and it seems to me you are slowly but surely..finally..gaining some "perspective' on the "facts" and not just giving in to your "feelings" anymore.

 

This woman's "life pattern" was in place long before you came into her life.. so do NOT take anything she is doing "personally", it's not about YOU, its HER life pattern, yes, it's not about you, or loving you, or not loving you, or stress, it's her "life pattern" at work.

 

"life pattern": of emotional/financial survival is and has been on automatic pilot, no matter who gets hurt along the way.

 

She is not being deliberately malicious, but she is being deliberately stuck in her life pattern: of keeping people around when she needs them, and detaching when she doesn't for the moment...

 

Be careful how involved you get with these poor children, leaving those kids with you to baby sit, and then suddenly leaving you out of thier lives, is another example of her "life pattern" of carelessly tossing deep emotional situations under the carpet when she "needs/wants" to get through any difficult "moment".

 

For right now, take a moment to set your own standards/values, for instance find "peace within yourself" simply based on the FACT that you have tried to call her, contact her, talk to her, see her.. and she is NOT making a choice to respectfully respond, even if she just wanted to say, "leave me alone".. she could at least have the self respect and respect to return your calls..

 

so it's time for you to "let go"... no more calling her, you've tried, you've loaned her money, you've always "been there" for her, you've even took time to baby sit her children on MLK day... so how is this being "mr. doormat" to her working for you? It's not working, because it's not "right" for you, for her, for the children.

 

So start right now, set a standard, live within your values, stand for something, separate your "feelings" of hope/love from the "facts".. the FACTS are you're a good guy, you've been respectful, kind, loving, understanding, angry, forgiving, there for her, responsible, caring, considerate, and THAT IS WHAT YOU DESERVE from her... and you are NOT getting it.. so it's time to "let go and let god"...

 

No more calling her, if she contacts you, then it's time to lovingly say, that you are not interested in having one foot in and one foot out, it's giving you an "emotional" backache... and if you are going to be a respectful loving couple, then you both need a healthy backbone... and either you're in this together, as an intentionally loving committed couple, or it's over, because her being "not sure" is not healthy for you, for her children, and certainly not for any hopes of building a solid foundation of love on.. so until she "discovers" an authentic love, one which includes emotional responsibility and commitment, well until then you have nothing to offer each other...

 

time for her to stand on her own two feet, and time for you to go heal your heart and move on...

[InLoveAndWaiting]

All of this is just starting to wear on me and I'm tired of giving all of myself and getting nothing in return. As much as I love her and want to be with her, I am not receiving what I deserve in return. It's getting easier on me not to call because I want her to call. I want her to think about me and wonder why I haven't called. I want her to put forth some effort and show me that she cares. I want her to start putting more into me and showing me that she is willing to make this work.

 

So far, she is not showing me any of this, and as much as I love her, I deserve to be in a relationship where I am loved in return. There is so much I wish I could say to her and ask her, but it would come accross wrong and push her away. I don't deserve to have my feelings played with like this. She is missing out on a great person, and if she never decides what she wants, someone else is going to get a great person. I'm not getting any younger and I have matured thru this process, but I can only take so much. I deserve more than this and I deserve better. If she isn't willing to put forth the effort, she isn't worthy of my love. If she doesn't know what she wants and she loses me, someday she will probably realize what a great person I really am and what she missed out on.

 

The hardest part is that if I knew she would say yes, I would ask her to marry me right now. I knew a while ago that this is the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe someday it will happen. Sometimes you get halfway there, but the other half doesn't meet you in return. She needs to figure out what she wants.