The Dumper - Back Together Hurts Too

[Nappy]

I've been reading this forum for the last week and it has really helped me to realize that though I was the dumper and are working on the relationship again together....I feel like I'm on the dumpee side....Hoping someone can help this hurtful and draining situation.

 

The Background: My bf and I were together for 3.5 years...Great years...Lots of Love...GREAT bf. The problem that began to bother me is that he doesn't know how to socialize with new people, he is awkward. But I realize now that the underlying issue was that he would get down in the dumps...and in these moods we would have had nothing to do with us, but him. These moods made us have little to talk about, he wouldn't say much, we couldn't be silly together, it was just a huge damper on the relationship. We always got through these rough patches....But it began to bother me tremendously so much so that I broke up with him. I loved him deeply still...I suppose the boredome in our relationship fogged that. It broke my heart to break it off and to do that to him because I was his world...literally, he really had only one friend...which didn't bother me. I thought it was a good time to break up because we are each other's first love and we had been set on marriage to each other in the future. I didn't make any promises, but I left it as, we should spend some time apart, have some of our own time to have fun and explore, and then see what happens. I regret it now in hind sight....But that's just how I felt that week. Honestly, if he would have respected my wishes to have some space that week I would have more time to think about it and we'd get over the rough patch. What's done is done. But I struggled with my decision the whole 4 months we were apart. However, I didn't want to get back together with him until I was 100% sure that this would be IT...No more break ups...He's the one. I just didn't want to do that to us again...So it was a decision I took my time with...Sat on it for a month as I knew I would be doing it soon. The problem was that when I asked him back....he informed me that he was interested in a girl from his dojo..Because she's witty. Now, I may have a lot of qualities he loves...But I'm aware of myself enough to say that I'm not the wittiest of people...though I am intelligent. She had a boyfriend of 2 years at the time....But he said that if they were both single he would want to get "romantically involved" with her....Never stating whether he was attracted to her or not. Anyhow....He decided to get back into the relationship....though not whole-heartedly...He said he didn't want to lose me so even though he's not ready for a relationship with ANYONE.....We can ease our way back in. That was about a month ago and we're in a relationship....though just an unhealthy one because I'm deep in love and he's deciding I suppose. It seems like he's analyzing me and judging me more for my flaws....Basically deciding if he will allow himself to get to the point where he feels like he wants to marry me again.

 

This month has been the biggest rollercoaster of emotions for me...It's quite draining. He told me that he's not 100% committed to me...the other part is committed to himself. I'm not sure what that means exactly...Because that seems to tell me that if he became interested in another girl he would think about pursueing that. However, his actions tell me that he is committed. We spend our weekends together as we live 45 minutes away from each other, so we don't spend anytime during the week together. He's working on making friends and trying to force himself to become social. So I told him...If you want to hang out with your new friends on the weekend...then just let me know. He said...No, I want to spend our weekends together, If I want to hang out we'll make it a group thing and we'll both go together. Anyone have some insight into where he's at exactly? He loves me, and he's in love with me....But I know he's not all gung ho about it, and definitely not totally and completely the way he did before. I know he's being cautious....But can he just fall out of love too?

 

Anyhow...this other girl. She met him at his new dojo....They became friends....and she started to persue him big time right when I came back into the picture. They never hung out outside of the dojo....just aim conversations. He agreed that he wouldn't hang out with her outside of the dojo. But I know he really wants to be friends with her....He feels like he has found a friend. But I just think things are soo different now...They can't just be friends....She was pursueing him and he was going to end up going for it as he had a crush on her. I know I shouldn't limit him....But it makes me uncomfortable as she is obviously someone not to be trusted since she was looking to date my bf while she was in a 2 yr relationship. My feelings are...If she can lie to him...She can lie to anyone....If she can deliberately betray someone that she has spent 2 yrs with, then she would pursue someone else's bf as well.

 

I know I come off scattered...Because I am...There are just so many underlying issues I just can't get to. I know I may be setting myself up for some serious heartbreak, but it's worth it to me....I'm willing to take that risk for him. Another part of me wonders if we should be in a relationship if he's not ready....Would that drive him away eventually, or does it give us a better chance of making it work and him to rebuild his love for me rather than to continue in the moving on phase. Because that's what he had started to do...he let go a little bit.

 

What do I do in this situation? I've engulfed myself in this relationship and I know I love him and want to marry him one day. I don't care that he has trouble being social...that's just who he is and I love him, It simply doesn't matter to me. In fact...I know for a fact that those are the type of guys I go for...the shy ones. And as far as the down phases go...I want to work through them as we did before...work harder...and make sure we survive. I think about the problems I had with hiinm before and I realize that I love absolutely everything about him....Though it may bother me in the future, I truly believe that they won't bother me the way it did before.

 

Okay again, I know this is scattered. Anyone ever been in a similar situation on either end? Anyone been on his end? What is he going through? I know he's committed to making it work....But he definitely doesn't want to force himself to love me the way he did before....and of course I wouldn't want him to. Does he just like the freedom he had? And what do I do to help him fall back in love with me the way he did before?

 

Sincerely,

 

Scattered and In Love

[bubbles07]

Hi Nappy, I think that he is just scared that you may hurt him again. My gf also took off after 6 years because she feels the same way you felt. I know that if she came back I would also feel scared that she will just hurt me again and be reluctant to jump in with my whole heart again.

 

Also I'm just wondering did you feel like you didn't love him (due to the boredom in the relationship). Did you feel like you just loved him as a friend and not as bf? I'm asking because my ex left me after 6 years because she felt like the relationship had gotten boring and that she felt like now she just loves me as friend. Reading your story makes me hope that she also with time will become less foggy. Any help or advice from you nappy would be appreciated.

 

Just give him some time. He just has to start to trust you again.

[Nappy]

Hi Bubbles,

 

First let me say that in terms of my bf - I loved absolutely everything about him besides those issues I mentioned (down in the dumps, dull, became boring relationship, unable to socialize....truth is with the social aspect....It was simply because I felt I had to babysit him every time we went out, otherwise I could care less...I didn't want a social guy necessarily, just someone that could socialize). Besides that - I ALWAYS, till this day, believed him to be an amazing person and an amazing catch because of who he is and how he treated me. So, this is key...If you're ex felt this way, then I believe what I say below will be more likely to apply to your situation.

 

Now, for your first question. I knew I loved him VERY deeply...But it was definitely fogged by the boredom in the relationship...I guess I began to think that I loved him more as a friend than a bf....I think boredom can really fog your emotions and make you confused. Because in the end, boredom makes you wonder if there is something less boring...Not necesssarily more exciting, because excitement is always there in something new...but something that makes more sense....Relationships are tough and there needs to be some sort of fun in there for it to make more sense to you. I wondered...I love him VERY much, but shouldn't I be able to have more fun with the person I love?

 

So yes, I did begin to think that I loved him more as a friend than a bf. I don't want to give you any false hope because that would halt the healing process. But what I can say is that I think what may have pulled me back in towards the end is that I began to notice that he was sincerely beginning to let go...That he was beginning to moving on....Not that it created my decision to go back...But it pushed it along faster because I didn't want the moving on to go further than it already had...It hurt to see it. It's the small things that you don't do that you use to do that tips it off. If you continue to be friends and you notice your ex change the small things....It's a signal to you. We remained good friends throughout the breakup...Hung out on weekends quite often, sleepovers even..no sex. So, I never stopped loving him - He was the same guy to me...Just without the sweet nothings and such...Strictly friends. Thinking back...I don't know how he did it...It must have been the most incredibly difficult thing he had to do. And I don't know how he moved on while we continued to spend time together on the phone and on the weekends. We kept it as friends and I NEVER crossed the line.....That may have helped him move on actually..Not sure.

 

Anyhow...that strength that he showed is intimidating...Because I don't know if I could be friends with him and begin to move forward at the same time. That strength....That is amazing....And though it hurts me...I love him for it...I'm proud of him for it....It scares me because that strength means he wouldn't lose too much sleep over breaking up with me in the future....But it's amazing.

 

Love is an emotion that can be felt on many different levels. Depending on how long you've been apart, how she feels about you as a person, how you treat her now (give her all the space she needs, treat her with respect, treat her well basically), etc.....She definitely feels strong emotion for you....It may have changed its form, it may not have. I really can't tell you the answer. What I can say is that you hold an EXTREMELY special place in her heart.....

 

Did she want to marry you one day? Did she speak of a future with you often? If so...Again...Continue healing, I can't stress that enough....But there may be a slight chance there. She just has to realize and explore things for herself on her own. She will try to move on, have fun, date, flirt - That's fine...In fact, that's great. Doing all this will either make her realize...I love him, we can work it out....Or, she'll like what she sees out there....And let me tell you, Good things in life are hard to find. In the end..you don't want her to come back to you because she hasn't found anything...But because she truly loves you deeply and wants it to work more than anything and she wants to be at your bedside when you are old and gray taking your last breath leaving you with your last kiss. Otherwise...It may become a break up cycle.

 

Give her the space she needs. And if you think you are strong enough and she would love to...Be friends. Just make sure you continue to move on. You don't want to hope for it....But it would be nice to have someone that has been in your life in such a special way for 6 years in your life again, even if as a friend. I would hate for you to misconscrue this advice as go for it! No, I don't know where she is EXACTLY. So...Continue Healling and Moving on and Give her space. Just remind her of what a great person you are - Afterall...They are hard to find.

 

I hope this helps. And if you have any more questions...Please feel free.

[bubbles07]

so me doing no contact and not calling her, is that good? I just wanna give her space and let her think. I told her I couldn't be friends with her because I care to much and that would only make things harder. Do you think because you and your ex at that time remained friends made it possible for you guys to date again or wouldn't it of made a difference. I just wondering if I am not there as a friend if it will hinder anything.

[Nappy]

If you can just give a little more info on the questions I asked that would help me a whole lot.

 

Also, if you could describe your relationship...How you felt in it...How she felt in it.

 

That would help me give you a better opinion.

[hailtothevictors]

Hi Nappy,

 

I felt like I should comment because I can somewhat relate to your boyfriend's perspective. I was with my girlfriend for 2.5 before she broke up with me at the beginning of December, saying she loved me as her best friend, but not as her boyfriend. It blindsided me - I was and still am deeply in love with her and we had talked several times about being together forever and planning our future together.

 

One of the biggest problems in our relationship was the difference between our social lives. My g/f was very social - loved meeting people, being around lots of people, and talking a lot. I am more quiet, reserved, would rather listen than talk, and would usually prefer staying in and watching a movie to going out. Also, she drinks and I don't. These differences caused some friction between us, but for the most part we compromised well and did what we could to make the other happy.

 

So I kinda know where he's coming from with the whole social situation. It sounds like he truly cares about you, but is just be cautious like most people probably would. As you said, he probably went through an immense amount of hurt after you broke up, and his head is telling him to watch out to make sure he doesn't have to suffer through that again. But by taking things slow and showing him that you truly care about him and want to make this work, he should gradually be more accepting. At least that's how I believe I would feel if my g/f wanted to try again and showed me that she was truly dedicated to making things work.

 

I know you said that you didn't like "babysitting" him in social situations and I'm sure that did get tiring for you. In my situation as a shy and reserved guy, I actually really appreciated it when my g/f was there for me at parties and such. Maybe your guy would like this too. You don't need to babysit him, but just be supportive and encouraging of him, maybe try to get him involved in conversations with others by bringing up things you know he is interested/involved in. I would have loved if my g/f had taken more time to encourage me in social situations and just be around for comfort or to just give me little hugs, etc. throughout the night. Lol, that really makes me sound like a wuss and really clingy, but I think you know what I mean.

 

Thank you very much for your second post, it really helped me out in my situation. I want my g/f back more than anything and I'm hoping that her "love you more as a friend" comment was clouded by boredom within the relationship. If I had another chance I honestly would do everything in my power to be more social - I would LOVE to go to parties with her now and show her that she can have fun with me.

 

So, just give him time, show him that you care about him and really want to make it work. I wish you the best!

 

Bubbles, it sounds like you and I are kinda in the same boat ...

[Nappy]

Hi hailtothevictors,

 

I just lost a long response...I will try again hehe.

 

Thank you for commenting - Made me open my eyes. Yes, you are sooooo right. I do need to find a way to include him more, think of a topic that he can have somethign to say about. When it comes down to it, no matter how hard you try to change a quality like socialization...You are who you are...And the person you are with should embrace it and learn how to work with it rather than be critical of it. This is definitely where I was flawed, among other things I'm sure. A person that does this for you in a situation that is awkward for you...you would fall even more in love with that person...Because you would feel like they support you, they get you, you make sense together because something you pine over is not so bad anymore. This is something I will work on. And I don't consider you a wuss...Absolutely makes SOOOOO much sense...I would want to be there for my guy. I can't believe this didn't hit me. Honestly...it's sexy...the guy embracing a girl taking care of him like this.

 

The other thing though - I notice him being extremely critical of me and us. I've been EXTREMELY emotional and often say what I feel in that moment, react quickly. And usually in those situations...I end up making myself undesireable. I'm not a crazy lady hehe...I just react unreasonably at times. For example, last night he mentioned that it's difficult to save even $100 a month But went on to say that he thinks he can afford a second private lesson in Kung Fu (expensive). I supported him but reminded him that things are already tight. He said he thinks he can do it as long as he goes out less and spends less. Well he doesn't go out with anyone but me...And we don'tn even spend that much money, we don't go out for money related things too often. My immediate reaction was I don't want to end up paying for everything. Now, that reaction came because I feel that he has control in this relationship that I can't quite define...and because I grew up in a house where my mom paid for everything (dad didn't contribute much)..Not a good situation. The thing is...Would this have been 4 months ago in our first relationship...I would have said - Go for it babe, Do your thing, We'll figure it out. Because I do enjoy paying for him if it means he gets to do something he loves and makes him feel good about himself. I know he would never take advantage of me...But I just reacted quickly...Because I don't want to pay for everything since I'm not completely trusting that he's in this totally and completely. I wish I could take it back though...Say what I would have said 4 months ago.

 

Anyhow, I need to learn how to control what I say...Control my emotions, give myself time to sit on them and think it through...Then react. My emotions get the best of me...Because the majority of the time, My head makes a much better decision that I feel more comfortable with.

 

I know that doing things like this will only push him further away...Because he is being critical. It's easier to pull away when you haven't committed yourself completely.

 

I guess we'll find out what happens.

 

Going over to his place tonight...Going to try to keep it cool and make sure he knows I support him.

 

Anyone get back together and are on the dumpee (originally) end? What was/is your experience?

 

Thus...I feel like I have to be my "good self." Just sit, listen, don't react. Impossible...But Impossible is Nothing apparently...According to Adidas

 

I want this to work more than anything....This is the hardest thing I've had to do actually. I've been through things in life....Love and relationships are the hardest things you'll do, but are the things that will bring you the most pleasure as well.

 

I don't want to distroy something simply because of my insecurities that the situation has created.

 

I guess that's the answer...Don't react to anything...This will be interesting...

[Nappy]

Hi Bubbles,

 

I haven't heard a response, but I'd just like to jump the gun.

 

To start, if someone breaks up with another...There is something going wrong. The thing is, she may still love you...But she may have waited to the point where she had separated her feelings already before breaking up. I did not, but that is usually the case. If that was the case for her...She may have thought loooong and hard. I sat on it for a while, it just got to the point where my anger/resentment about the situation took over and I reacted. It needed to happen....Even if I end up losing him for good....It needed to happen. If she made a final decision, no looking back...Then friends or not, she'll force herself to move forward.

 

I don't think not being friends will hinder anything. If you don't feel strong enough to do it....Don't do it and move on. I know you don't want to be hurt again...But sometimes risks bring the sweetest pleasures. So, if you want to see if you can be strong...Try it....But DO NOT expect ANYTHING to come out of it. If it's too much emotion that will drive you mad...It's time to move on. If she contacts you...be yourself...treat her as you care for her....Because the fact is you do. That's okay to show someone that you care for them...You show your friends/mom/dad, etc that you care for them correct? Just because you care for someone doesn't necessarily show that person that you love them and want them back...It's interpretable. So if you want her to know that without saying it....Care for her....And if you move on, she'll know what she missed out on. I would be cautious - You want her to come back for the right reasons. In the meantime...Make sure you think about yourself. Is this someone who treated you well? Did she make you extremely happy? Can you see yourself marrying this person? 6 Years is a long time...If you don't see yourself wanting to marry her....Move on. Key Note: DO NOT expect ANYTHING. Until you get to that point...be cautious.

 

In the end...It's sooo circumstantial. Tread lightly, Don't expect Anything, Think About Yourself, Continue Healing and Moving On. She will respect you for it...and it will hurt her to see it happen.

 

Ask yourself...Is this something she can get over? The boredom. My bf well...He can be a boring person...I accept that I have to bring the excitement because he often feeds off of that. He's a wonderful person, He loves to laugh and make people laugh whenever he can, I love him, the idea of treading through life together makes me happy. So, He is who he is...And I love who he is. The boredom...Well I'm going to work as hard as I can to not let it take over...Keeping it spicy.

 

Think about yourself first and foremost. Remind yourself of who you are and accept it....You want someone that will be happy and in love with you...Be their gem...Nothing less. And remember...everything happens for a reason, no matter how much it hurts.

[bubbles07]

Hi Nappy, sorry for not replying back in time. I agree that your bf just has to gain back his trust in you and the relationship. He just may feel like you may hurt again. All you can do is just try reassuring him that it will be okay this time and just let him know what you have realized and how you love him. Tell him how you realized things that he does that makes you love him more and talk about what mistakes you guys don't want to make this time. Try not to keep going over the past but talk about how to make this time around sucessful. I think that if he is interested in someone else maybe you should tell him that he has to pick, you or her. I'm pretty sure that if he knows that you guys are meant to be he'll pick you. At the end of the day you have to make sure to look out for yourself. Make sure that he isn't keeping you on the side and trying to get with the other girl. Are you sure that the other girl is trying to get with him or is that what he told you? He could of told you that to make it seem like he doesn't need you and that he has other opportunities. It may be his way of just trying to put up a front and not come off soo desperate. I think you guys just need to sit down and discuss everything, from the mistakes that you guys have to avoid all the way to how the future will be amazing. Good luck to you and I hope it works out for both of you.

 

Also thanks for your advice. I know that I have to live my life and she has to live hers. I'm not going to wait around and I don't think that she will come back for sure. I hope she does come back but I'm not going to hold my breath. If you want you can read all the details about my relationship in this thread . If you think you can provide me with some insight I would deeply appreciate it.

 

Thanks again Nappy. Any questions just lemme know.

[Nappy]

Hi Bubbles,

 

I went to the thread you posted....I was amazed at how similar of a situation we have. I was your girlfriend...I was in the SAME EXACT place she was. She is deeply in love with you still. She may feel that she loves you as a friend...But deep inside...She is still deep in it...It is just in hibernation. She seems to have expressed herself the same way I did...only better. The main difference in our situation is that we never talked about it and made an effort to make things better so that we could work out.

 

This main difference may change our situation completely, I'm not sure, but I think there is a good chance at her coming back actually. She will date others...Have quick flings/crushes that mean absolutely nothing...and she will know that they mean absolutely nothing. It's just the thrill of it all that will have her hooked for just a little while...But the thrill of it all ends because in the end we all want something meaningful. In this process she will actually lose herself a little more...These are probably things she wouldn't normally do at all. But she will find herself again....You are a big part of her, she knows this but just may be denying it to herself in order to justify the breakup. I'm not quite sure how long this process will take for her. It seems like she is making a big effort to make sure you stay in her life. She says she wants you to move on...But the truth is she will regret that in hind sight...She may mean it now...But in her heart of hearts, she doesn't. I too did things to force my boyfriend to move on, not realizing..that he would actually move on.

 

I read a couple of posts people put up, and I could not agree more than with this comment...Took the words right from my mouth:

 

"I would stay friends with her and doing LC (limited contact), where you talk to her when she calls (but dont talk to her long), you DONT initiate contact, let her initiate it, etc. But then you still move on, get your life together, and start doing other things. She will notice you moving on and it will make her think twice about what she is doing."

 

DEAD ON. Like I said, this is your time too...So take care of yourself and find hobbies...You have more time now, Take advantage of it. The one thing I would add is that when you are talking to her...Treat her well as you normally would...Just make sure you keep it at the friend level. This is how she will be reminded of what a wonderful person you are....and eventually she will come around. As soon as she sees you moving on...And do not fake it...She will come around when she sees it happening...it's a subconscious realization. But don't be soooo available to her either; otherwise you become a safety net for her until she finds something else. You definitely don't want to be the safety net...that's where the limited contact comes in.

 

If she doesn't come back and she finds a way to move on...Well atleast you are prepared in that you will have already started the process of letting go and moving on. If she does come back...Well maybe you'll end up in the situation I am in.

 

As for me...I had a terrible week. I realized a couple things...As I was thinking about conversations we had when I found out about that new girl. I know 100% that he had phone calls with her and hung out with her...He had lied and told me that they had never had a friendship outside of the dojo...Cliff Notes: Aside from other telling details, Why would someone be sooo hung up on a friendship with someone if they don't have them in their lives outside of a classroom situation? Yup, he lied. It tore me up. The truth is...He was in it for a friendship and started to crush. I truly believe that he wants her only as a friend at this point. I think he's just struggling with the trust as you had mentioned...Also, he was on the brink of actually taking the first step to truly moving on and then all of a sudden I came in. So, he struggles with not wanting to be in a serious relationship and still being in love with me. He's working on it. I have to say my actions aren't helping; I am making it too easy for him. He knows I am engulfed in it and am ALL about it...I think that pushes him away actually...I think being totally secure that I'm way more into it than he is makes it easier for him to "punish" me, I think he still has resentment about the break up. It's important that he knows I love him and that I show him that...But I think my new strategy is to give him some affections but treat him as a friend as well, give him the space he needs in terms of not being sooooo affectionate. I think the way he will fall in love with me totally and completely again is if he sees that he can lose me. So it's a very sensitive combo between making him feel secure with me and my love for him and getting him scared. I noticed that he would pull away at times...And when he does this he becomes a bit of an a%$hole. Perhaps it is just my insecurities....And that brings me to another point...

 

I've somehow lost some of my self-esteem in all this mess. Which is where a lot of the focus that I am putting on him/us will go....on me. That way he cannnot feel as if there is nothing else going on with me other than him....That's too much of an ego for him to have.

 

Oh, and yes...He chose me. He told me that he will not hang out with her outside of the dojo. Of course, I am extremely bothered by the fact that he still has to interact with her. I find myself constantly wondering what their relationship is like now....I really would prefer if they did not have a friendship at all. I know they have to interact as it would be weird to just ignore each other which might just increase desire....

 

My question is....Why would he have lied about the extent of their friendship with me if he had already told me that he was interested in her? At that point...He was conflicted but really leaning towards putting us on hold.

[Nick_t]

Hi NAppy,

 

I cannot start to explain how comforting this forum has been to read. I am very happy you are back with the one you love and that you are working at everything to make it work. Your bf is a very lucky man to be surrounded by so much love. I wish you all the very best with it all, and it sounds like you know what ur doing and i'm sure all will be fine!!

 

What you are describing about friendship with ex's and letting them be, and forever love etc really does sum up my situation at the moment and my break up.

 

Please can you read a summary of my situation and see what you think -

 

 

 

My ex and I get on like a house on fire - since the weekend I have had a couple of hard days trying to push myself on again like you advised. I haven't contacted her, just moving on again. Over the previous weeks I have sensed so much feeling and love coming from her side but there is nothing I want to do to spoil the relationship. Sometimes I feel like saying to her I sometimes find it hard to be friends because there is so much love inside me for her, yet I am willing to risk my feelings to hang onto a special person and friend who I treasure.

 

But I don't want to scare her away, I just want to be close to her. For the record we were together for 2 years. I met her when she was 18 and I was 21, now she is 20, I am 23 and where I have been places done things she hasn't. She's off to America this summer and I couldn't be more excited for her, and have told her. We were very much in love but she broke up with me because she needed to be free and see what was out there, by herself for the time being. She needed to learn to be dependant by herself. She cried for days when we broke up and was very hurt. She always use to say to me don't ever leave me, I want to be with you forever etc... and now we find ourselves getting on like a house on fire, but I don't know what she is thinking. I'm just trying to be myself around her and she has noticed over the last couple of weeks (see the link).

 

Thanks

Nick