Devastated....but putting the blocks back in place

[NorCaSpinna]

Hello again all,

 

So long story short. Ended my first relationship in October. Realized I missed what I had. Tried to reconcile. She wouldnt have it. Stopped talking in November. Started going downhill here. Talked to her in December, told me that she didn't want to talk to me for 6 months because it would be healthier. Accepted it.

 

This is where it gets weird.

 

My female cousin is a friend of hers and sees her at school. I am hanging out with my cousin last Saturday and she informs me that my ex is seeing another guy. Stings a bit but I kinda accept it being that it was almost 4 months since we broke up. A few days later, she unblocks me on AOL. And then adds me back to Facebook. The next day I get a text on my cell phone saying "if you want to hate me, that's fine." I dont respond..and I didnt plan to ...Then I get to work the next day and she starts flooding my instant messenger. So, I start talking with her (like an idiot) and I ask her why the sudden change of heart. She says shes over everything and feels like she could talk about it.

 

So being an even bigger idiot, I start askign about why we couldnt reconcile. and if the relationship was real or not. Her response was that she was waiting to connect and go to that next level. But because we came from different walks of life (shes independent--financially and emotionally, I'm still working on myself), the connection wasn't there. I'm still almost "in the dark" about this because I didn't think that something like financial independence and living on your own gave you a mentality different enough to not be able to connect.

 

At this point I have a dry mouth, I feel my stomach acid churning and then I get on a roll and start asking about how her dating life is going. She tells me shes been casually dating two guys and I tell her about a date that I have coming up this weekend. She gets angry and starts jabbing at me..."You don't even want to hear about what goes down on my dates, it would make your toes curl..." and "one of the guys im dating owns his own condo..." (in reference to the fact that I am not living on my own at the moment.)

 

Thats when it all came tumbling down. I call her and tell her that I cant have her be a part of my life anymore (first phone conversation in three months.) . She tells me she has no ill will towards me and doesnt want me to hate her...I tell her, I just cant have you in my life...you're too destructive of a force. She tries to reassure me that I'm going to do fine. And I hang up.

 

I am devastated. Luckily, I know a life coach who's a good friend so I had someone to talk to. I guess its a mixture of the fact that she was my first real relationship, my first sexual partner...and I thought that relationship was more than she did. I think im also hurting over the fact that shes been living this great life since we've ended...meeting better guys further along in their lives, doing a bunch of new stuff with friends, while i've been struggling to even get out of the house and to my job.

 

But all is not bad. I have realized in the midst of this that I have not been living the most "full" life I can. I have a new urge to get out and explore, meet new friends, go to new places. Essentially go out of my "comfort zone" for the first time. She did give me that...but I am scared because..

 

1) Because it's a new world in front of me and I don't know much about it

2) I am worried that every girl I meet will be subject to my comparing of them to her...

 

Has anybody ever experienced this in a relationship??? The inability to connect because of differing lifestyles?

. It hurts....it hurts real bad right now but I know it will subside...

 

ANY words of advice are appreciated

 

Thank you very much

[need2bme]

First of all, stop comparing yourself to anyone, even her. That is a trap you don't wanna catch yourself in. I killed my heart, and hers, by doing that.

 

Second, you know what you need to do and you are trying to do it. Give yourself credit for that.

 

Also, you will compare your new dates to the ex. That my friend, is human nature. Try to be objective in how you look at them. Do you like them because they are similar to the ex, or different?

 

Besides, look at all you have learned that you do or do not want in a relationship.

 

Lastly, while I do believe that having money and being out on your own, will cause you to develop a different outlook on life, than someone who isn't, I too will agree with your statement, "I didn't think that something like financial independence and living on your own gave you a mentality different enough to not be able to connect."

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She tells me shes been casually dating two guys and I tell her about a date that I have coming up this weekend. She gets angry and starts jabbing at me..."You don't even want to hear about what goes down on my dates, it would make your toes curl..." and "one of the guys im dating owns his own condo..." (in reference to the fact that I am not living on my own at the moment.)

 

This woman is extremely immature and I wouldn't believe that her life is as grand and glorious as she is trying to make you believe. It is all a cover up. The more a person is in your face about aspects of their life, the more unhappy and insecure they really are. I am guessing that this "guy with the condo" is not all she is making him out to be. She is telling you all of this because she wants to get a reaction from you...a jealous reaction. That means she is still hung up on you. If Mr. Condo, was Mr. wonderful, she would just be living her life with him and not worry about you and your reaction to her dating life! Take heart, she is not having the grand life you think she is. If this is the way she behaves, you are better of finding someone with a more mature outlook on life. Having your own place doesn't make you mature...as she is clearly demonstrating. It is who you are as a person that is more important. If anything, when you start dating other women, your comparison will really be how so much more mature they are than your ex!

[breeze33]

You said you ended the relationship and then missed what you had and wanted to reconcile. She did not want to reconcile and wanted space to get over you. Sounds like she was deeply hurt when you initiated the break-up.

 

I think talking about her dates is a way of getting back at you. She may have put aside the lifestyle difference when you were together but was hurt when you broke it off. This break-up could have been a jolt of reality for her to evaluate her goals and what she wanted out of a partner.

 

It does sound immature to talk about her dates though. Better to know now and then move on because she obviously has. I think she is trying to stick the knife in your back for rejecting her the first time. Sort of like revenge on her part for hurting her.