TWIS7ER Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Okay I am just now starting the No Contact thing and I was wondering. What if the girl/guy you are doing the NC with is very stubborn and they will not swallow there pride and not even try to contact you either..and then thereforeeee you both are doing the NC thing and you may still Love each other and neither one gives because of pride? Is there a Winner in this situation? Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 It's not about winner/loser. It's about taking a time out, because in most cases, the DUMPER is requesting that space. Dumpers will also say that they no longer want ANY CONTACT, if the dumpee stops respecting their space and becomes too overbearing too soon. That type of behavior will damage all future possibilities of contact occurring, whereby the dumper will feel comfortable in having it... What you should realize is that NC should be applied so that the hurt and the pain can take a little break and heal with time. NC also stops the dumpee from coming accross as weak and needy in the eyes of the dumper, which is a very unseductive behavior.. I for the most part do not believe that the dumper will initiate contact with the dumpee and it has nothing to do with pride. You see, it all depends on the circumstances of why the dumper chose to go through with the break-up. If it was done for fear of getting hurt (as is in my case with my now ex), then the dumper will stay away UNTIL which point in time they are either made to feel more at ease with their ex, but before this can occur, the dumper would have to be open to wanting to re-establish that contact. Now, you as the dumpee, would have to give HER plenty of space, which shows her that you respect her a lot. Space will also allow you to regroup and get emotionally stronger as well, which is completely necessary to be able to sustain a simple conversation with her, without resorting to breaking down or trying to argue to get your way. Two actions that will end all future chances of contact from working. Don't look at it as pride. She is taking care of HER needs now. You have to do the same thing. If YOU love her and have hurt her and in turn, this made her have to go away, then YES, it will be YOU who will have to re-iniate contact with her, but that time is NOT yet. It requires space and seperation from one another, so that she can start to see you in a new light and start to remember the good and your only chance of that happening, is by you giving her a little bit of space. It WILL go along way. Remember though, when you DO contact her, be aloof, cool, calm, and independent. Do not bring up YOUR feelings. Make it all about her. Make her feel at ease with you and then pull back and when you go back in, make her feel good and then pull back and then make her feel great and on and on... This is the ideal and NO, this isn't easy, especially if she is looking to move on and is taking the necessary steps to do so, but if you feel she is worth fighting for, then don't give up just yet. Peace, Dan 1 Link to comment
TWIS7ER Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 That really does sum it up. I am the Dumpee by the way. Because I hurt her with words and throwing stuff up in her face. I have been in NC mode for almost 3 hours. LOL Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 NC is not about 3 hours my man. NC can range from a week and a half to a month and a half to half a year, but 3 hours isn't NC.. I kind of figured you were the Dumpee. Sounds like you and her got into a fight and it's only a few hours old. Some advice: My ex broke up with me last Wednesday. Instead of leaving her alone immediately, I went to her appt., to try and change her mind. That didn't work. Once they have their minds made up, the first thing you need to do is STEP back and DO NOT contact them. It's not the same as an argument where they are hurt and you go over to apologize and after a bit of that, they open up their arms and let you back in. When they say it's over, you have to take them seriously IMMEDIATELY, show regret and BACK OFF. Does this mean you can't go back in at a future date? Of course you can, but you need to let some time pass. My girl jumped on a chat line immediately and is keeping herself busy with girls and guys. I'm on here. This is how I am staying strong and it's allowing me to keep up NC since Monday, even though I know she is setting up dates with people right now (guys as well)..IT KILLS me, but I have to bite the bullet and give her space. Only THEN can she begin to miss you and see how you take her seriously and respect her. That is KEY. Link to comment
TWIS7ER Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 Yeah I know it's not about 3 hours, I was just being sarcastic when I said that because I have been trying the NC thing for a couple of days and have not been able to stay away from her. It was a little more than 3 hours ago that I got the closure that she was really dumping me, up to that point I didn't know where I stood. Now I know and I know I need to do the NC. If I would happen to find out she was talking to other men and trying to go out with them in such a small amount of time away from me, then I know I would not contact her at all ever even if she did want me back. I would look at it as if she went on to try to find better than me but couldn't so she came back to me. Me and my ex have been off and on for several months, we would end the relationship, then be back together sometimes the same night and sometimes after a few days. This time it is really different of course or I wouldn't be going through this. Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 That's my dilemma. I don't know if she's just looking for friends, to occupy her time, or if she's really looking for someone to replace me right away. She's not only asking out guys, but also her gf's on her new site, with her new profile. The gf's I see as being normal, but guys who are interested in her, who are looking for more, are being asked out by her, only a week after having to leave me, because of the way I was treating her, does kind of make sense to me, but it kills me nonetheless and I can't even tell her that I know, seeing I don't want her to know that I have been checking up on her new account she created on Monday (5 days after the breakup). I still love her though. Link to comment
TWIS7ER Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 You are doing a great hanging in there, It's got to take alot for you to not tell her you know, It would be very hard for me to bite my tongue on something like that. I understand that you aren't in any situation to do anything about it either. I know I'm really not one for giving advice yet, but if I was you maybe it would be easier if you didn't check up on her in that sense, But I can't say anything either because my girl has a yahoo 360 account that I find myself looking at. but she has nothing on it at all, not even a picture or any friends, but then again she might have another one that I know nothing about. But if I did find out and saw things on it, I think it would really push me further away from even wanting to be with her. Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Yeah, this is facebook. So, I know she added like 350 people since Monday (an insane amount). MANY girls, but also many guys. Her email address is posted up there and as much as she is leaving comments on her girls pages asking them to get together, she is also being forward with men. She keeps updating things, as late as 2:30am, meaning she is UP either chatting with new guys, or talking on the phone with them. This is a girl who left me a week ago because I hurt her and scared her REALLY bad, so yeah, she clearly wants to get over me, probably feeling she deserves better, but it's the speed at which she is doing it that FREAKS me out and makes everything seem to insincere, even though it probably wasn't when she was with me. I truly believe she loved me, but what are her current actions about? Link to comment
TWIS7ER Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 Maybe she is just doing it because it keeps her mind off of you and it keeps her busy. You must be talking about myspace. I know when i was first on there I would just add so many people as friends because it was a cool thing to do and it was a competition among me and other people of who had more friends on there. As for the comments, I have no idea. that wasn't really anything i got into. Why don't you set you a profile up and add as many people as you can-or you can just set one up that makes it seem like it's not you and just start talking to her like you are a strange man and see what it leads to. Yeah I know that's probably not very good advice. and by doing it you would take a chance of maybe finding things out you don't want to. Link to comment
mikeca Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 my ex was very stubborn, would probably never admit she was wrong on very few occasions, it took me not wanting to get back together and talking to her again, that all of sudden we got back together, it was weird but its right when people say you have to give up hope of getting back. Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Yeah, facebook is the NEW version of Myspace. Thing is, by reading the comments people are leaving on her page and vice versa, I already know TOO much and it's only been 4-5 that she's been on there... She leaves comments as to how she is feeling on her page. For example, "I am bored", or "I am SO hungry", etc... She left one at 2:30am saying, "I am dreaming". Now, I could only imagine what that means?? Does that mean she had been talking to someone until that time and she's dreaming, as in she's in heaven?? The curiosity is killing me. She just seems SO far away and the more I see what she's doing on there, and wondering what she's doing on MSN, emails and over the phone, is making me crazy. I can't confront her, because she broke it off and so, she can do what she wants and also, this is SO rebound it's not even funny. She told me on Monday (the same day she created her profile) that she needs a little space (not to come back to me, but to be able to feel comfortable enough to have contact, without all the fear and hurt being there), BUT, the longer I know about what's happening, the worse I'm seeing her now. All I'm doing is talking to a handful of friends and people on here. I am not trying to meet 100's of new people and ask girls and guys out like it's going out of style. What is she worried about? If she slows down she'll end up crying??? If she's making herself forget me by losing herself in MALE attention, she will succeed. At this point I don't even feel like respecting her "space" anylonger, because I see no respect in what she's doing right now. Do you think she has ME in mind with what she's doing? Link to comment
TWIS7ER Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 I don't think that she is saying that she is dreaming in that way, perhaps she is just saying it to let people know she is going to bed and will be dreaming. If she came out and told you it was completely over than there really is nothing you can do about it except sit it out and see what happens..I really don't think that your doing the right thing by going and reading her stuff, because you are only hurting yourself. Maybe you should let her know that you see what she is doing. and then start the NC thing. Let her know that it's hurting you to see it. But do it in a mature way. Without me seeing her profile I really can't make a judgement of what her goal is on that site. Link to comment
mikeca Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 sounds like you need to stop going to her site Link to comment
Jason1080 Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Yeah, facebook is the devil which arouses your curiosity a tad too much Link to comment
4answers Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 100% Spot on. Very good understanding of the benifits of no contact for both the dumper and dumpee. Nice one, well done. Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 Only she knows her intentions for adding 350 people since Monday and asking out a dozen people for the next two weeks of her life (girls and guys).... Link to comment
TijuanaJones Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 Only she knows her intentions for adding 350 people since Monday and asking out a dozen people for the next two weeks of her life (girls and guys).... Oh I forgot to tell you... I stopped looking at her myspace, even though Im back in good terms with her... I dont need to know what she does in her time apart... It wil drive me insane if I keep imagining things based on what I see in myspace. Remember, looks can be deceiving, specially online! How many times have you seen someone who is sad put happy nicks in their MSN? I have even done it hehe One time I broke up with another GF I updated my Hi5every week with of photos of me traveling on the weekends or partying with friends, but in reality I was feeling like a turd and wanted her so bad... So dont read too much into it, just try to stay away from it all... Link to comment
thescrubby1 Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 I had the exact same question and GoingForIt_77 you really put it into light for me... Thanks a million.... Link to comment
GoingForIt_77 Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 Looks like the OP isn't coming back. Looks like he caved in and broke NC after only 24 hours. Some people won't learn and that's the sad fact. Link to comment
TWIS7ER Posted January 21, 2007 Author Share Posted January 21, 2007 Nah man I haven't broke NC, I have been at work all day long. I am feeling worse today, not strong at all. Link to comment
pacopaco Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 hey man. I've been follolwing this thread. Glad you're back. don't break No Contact! it does help. I'm doing it now, though my situation is very different than yours. Actually, I wouldn't mind trading, ha ha ! Link to comment
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