The Break up... Perspectives needed asap..

[Hunny1607307342]

I have been going out with this guy for 7 months...we were best friends for a long time beforehand, so we felt like we knew each other inside out. He's loved me with all his heart and been there for me all the time. I dont think I initially was as hooked on him as he was on me, but over time I felt greatly attached. We started to become one. He never lied, and it was clear he was totally and utterly in love with me, he said he'd never felt this way before, and just declared that he'd never in a million years want to break up with me, and wants to stay with me forever. This is also my first serious relationship, so I was totally inexperienced, virgin (still am) and he's had a deep impact on me emotionally physically etc. he's taught me to discover happiness on a new level. Anyway, so everything's been fantastic, until College started back in September; workload; parental contraints; A level exams; revision periods; much time being apart... I wasnt able to keep the same consistancy in our relationship as there used to be during summer. This has started to backfire on me. Also, silly arguments augmented and he says I should be less argumentative (this surely is a quality he has too). We had another silly argument the other day (by silly i mean, really trivial, really) and he broke up with me. He said that I don't make any sacrifices for him, that I don't even tone down my argumentative nature apparently. He said that all I am is words words words and that someone who's crazy in love doesn't act the way I do. He said we don't belong together, the arguments, my lack of action, my lack of motivation to see him, it all sums everything up and delivers a clear message.

 

Yesterday I was on the phone to him til about 4am and we had a really heated conversation. Ironically enough, I kept my cool, but he had the most hirrendous temper. He was saying things that made it feel like my heart was being ripped out : "I can't stand you; I can't STAND you" and many, many more things worse than that.

 

I am constantly crying and cant keep a straight face in public. Tears just keep streaming down my cheeks. What shall I do?

 

I'm thinking of just turning up at his door today spontaneously. I feel the need. I'm not sure if all of this is my fault.

 

Opinions and advice would be greatly appreciated xxx

[lostinreading]

I know this is probably what everyone else will say, but don't go show up at his door today.

 

You might feel the need to see him, you might feel that you have things to say but even if you do this in the end, PLEASE don't do it while you are feeling that all consuming emtional drive to do it. it will not achieve anything - believe me. Don't let the fear control you.

 

Your best bet in this situation is to try and learn from what he has said to you. He clearly loved you a lot and felt hurt by the way you seemed to be neglecting him. No matter what the reasons, and you might have very many good ones, he felt you were not giving him what he needed and was hurt by this.

 

Now is the time to work on yourself, figure out what you want. If you really do feel that he is the one you want to be with forever (and I mean forever), then work on yourself, your priorities and your schedule so that when you are calmer, you can re-approach him, and SHOW him how you would like to do things differently.

 

However, and this is really really important, if you look down deep into your soul and he is really someone you love a lot, care a lot about but is in reality a step on the way to the love of your life that you will totally commit yourself to, then now is the time to let him go. You are young, and if this is how things are deep in your heart, that is ok. I was in a serious relationship at your age and I've had two more since then (I'm 24) and none of them have turned out to be the one.

 

It's always harder to let go of a relationship with a one time best friend (that's what I'm going through right now) because everything seems that much more right because you know each other so well. But if he's not "the one" then surely you'd rather be friends for life rather than the enemies you will doubtless become if you tempt him back and then fail to give him what he feels he needs again. If you love him, look deep into yourself and ask yourself if you can give him what he needs right now. If not, let him go and let him heal and hopefully one day you guys can be friends again.

 

Goodness its weird giving this advice to you, as it is almost a carbon copy of my own (except you are in my ex's situation), and while I am so grief stricken at losing him, I understand your position too. It will be really hard to let go, but it really is for the best. And remember, all things happen for a reason.

 

Hope this has been helpful.

[robowarrior]

Are couples supposed to make eachothers lives miserable? Of course not , they should bring love and light into eachothers lives. Arguments are like poison to the relationship, even small ones can lead to BIG break ups, as you have experienced. Basically its like this, if you don't have time for a relationship don't start one. You need to translate your positive thoughts into real life action. This so your thoughts are in balance with the real world. More precisely . Words without action = 0.

 

 

You know its a one sided relationship, a good relationship is about giving and taking. Its an investment into eachother, if you just lay back and do nothing its not going to rejoice him, but it also states that you indeed weren't in love with him, otherwhise you might have made an effort to make him happy too.

[Hunny1607307342]

Thank you so much for your response. Everything you said made so much sense. I wish my mind thought as logically as that. I know; because hes my friend, I need a shoulder to cry on that would normally be him. Its so hard. And I dont know if this is a 'forever' relationship - that's the sad problem, its the one thing that prevents me from making any clear cut decision. At one point I thought it wasn't, but then just as I thought maybe he is forever, this break up happens. I really don't know. I'm going to have to see what happens with the passing of time. Thanks again for your advice.

[lostinreading]

Just quickly, its ok if its not hunny. as I said, and I don't mean to be patronising, but you are young, and probably have many loves ahead of you as does he.

 

Don't stress it too much, give the both of you space and see what happens. In reality that's all you can do.

 

Best wishes, chin up etc.

 

x

[Caterina]

No matter what you do, because you met this guy you are going to feel pain. Now, someone who says things that hurt you that badly: do you want to be around that for the rest of your life? You can either go through the excriating pain of knowing its not going to work out and break up or you can go through a prolonged pain of having to put up with verbal abuse over a long period of time.

[SpeedingCars]

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

I dated my guy for about a year, we became best friends, I felt so comfortable with him, etc... I thought I couldn't find anyone else like him. We later broke up due to arguments. I must say, we argued at least once a day the last few weeks of our relationship and we both knew it was a sign we were not meant to be. He would tell me I wasn't appreciative of his efforts then I would tell him he wouldn't open up, blah blah blah... either way, both of you will think you're right... and eventually you'll find you cannot give him what he wants. His list of why he's unhappy is quite long and maybe you guys are not compatible.

 

I suggest at this time, learn to live without him... being too dependent on him for happiness will only hurt you. Also (I wish I had learned this...) make sure you are a whole person, instead of putting him in the position where he "completes" you. Now, it seems as if a part of me is GONE because my ex kind of filled all these voids that I could've easily filled myself... I hope I made sense.

 

Some space apart will help you see things in perspective. The space will also give you time to work on YOURSELF and maybe you'll be able to REALLY take in what he told you and work on it...

[confusedangel]

ur story is the exact same one as mine. we would argue for nothing and then break up and get back and it dragged on like that for about 6 months until he said he cant take it anymore and its been 5 months of hating each other. i still love him a lot and miss him and i know i want to be with him forever, but i know he doesnt right now and its real hard for me.

 

the problem wiht us is that we would get back together without really talking about it assuming that it would work. i think u should let both of u cool off and talk but during the cool off time make sure that he knows u still care. my ex never let me know he still cared when we fought and just left the scene. it made me feel unwanted and sad. he's still doing it now. sometimes i jus want a text saying he still thinks of me and just wants time to take care of his things...

[Hunny1607307342]

Aw I find guys are sometimes really sneaky in hiding their emotions lol. Thank you all for all your advice it is really really useful . Infact speedingcars its funny you should say that because right when this guy was asking me out 7 months ago, I got my diary and wrote myself a note explaining how good I am single and all benefits ie I am happy phsychologically independent etc. lol i thought it would make me 'fine' if i were to break up. Its funny out things turn out.

[lostinreading]

isn't it funny how when we fall for someone all sense and reason fly out the window???

 

Darn those hormones!