What to do in each situation?

[finalcloud13]

I've looked around and generally, it seems that if a guy gets dumped by a girl, his best bet in getting back together with the girl is to act okay and rarely talk to the girl (so she has a chance to miss him, I think). Is this true? Also, I know that this plan has chances of backfiring and the ex-girlfriend thinking he is not affected by the breakup so he doesn't really care about her and she gives up on him. What are the chances of the plan backfiring?

 

Also, I've been wondering about this plan and it seems it could work if the girl stays single after she breaks up with the guy, but what if the girl immediately finds a new guy, then what? Seems to me that executing the plan when the girl has a new guy would only get the girl to forget her ex easier. Maybe in this case the guy should keep in contact with the ex-girlfriend and execute the plan once she and her new man breaks up?

[Meow18]

I think you brought up some good points. It's true that if a person breaks up with you and you give them space, they might realize that they miss you.

 

A lot of the time, people just want space. Sometimes they are confused about their feelings. So when they finally get the space, they either realize that they miss the person, or they are happier without.

 

But it can backfire like you said.

 

In my opinion, you have to respect the other's choice in wanting to break up. It might not be easy, but what else can you really do? Demand that they keep you?

 

You just have to back off and give them the space they are asking for. And if they realize that they want you back, then that's great if you want them too. But if they don't, then you just have to move on. And by giving them the space, hopefully you will already be starting to move on.

[papalazarou]

Reading some of MAJORD23 threads or SUPERDAVES will help give some insight.

 

 

 

However I agree with Miaow...if you demand they keep you then will push them even further away....

[krnelson2]

Final Cloud- Yes its true that NC is the most likely way to get your ex back....BUT...

NC is not to be done for that reason. NC is to heal yourself and get over the breakup. If in the meantime your ex realizes what they miss and come back GREAT! But you cant bank on that.

 

Believe me I did all the wrong things for almost two months and just pushed my ex further and further away. It made me feel horrible waiting around all day for a message or a call from her. Honestly at this point there is nothing you can do to MAKE them come back. It sucks and its something that only time will make you realize.

 

If she immediately starts dating someone else, it is in 99% of the cases a rebound relationship. They rarely last and are usually not healthy for either person. She is looking to someone else for the affection and comfort that she misses from your relationship. This is the whole "the grass is greener on the other side" notion. But trust me ITS NOT.

 

Heres an analogy I just came up with to demonstrate:

People who break up and take the time to heal themselves before moving on are able to wander around and find that greener grass. Its easy at that point because we are not blinded by anything else. All we have to do is look down and see the green grass...

 

Those who move on immediately after a breakup are in a way blindly jumping over a fence HOPING the grass will be greener on the other side. Think about that neighbor you have or once had. The one with the big fence that you cant see the other side. In a way, our ex is jumping over that fence without knowing what is on the other side. Who knows maybe the grass is beautiful and plush, but maybe this neighbor never waters it and its dying and brown.

 

The truth is they havent taken the time to heal themself and work on their own problems. Once they jump over that fence it is hard for them to get back to the other side. It takes a lot more work at that point.

 

I dont know if that makes sense i just came up with it about a minute ago

 

But starting NC makes her realize and wonder what your side of the fence is doing. She will start to want to lay in your green plush grass but feels restricted by the dead grass on the other side. This will make her miss you.

 

I am going through this same thing right now. The girl i dated for 5 years broke up with me a little over two months ago, and shortly after, began a relationship with someone else. It sucks sooooo bad to think about that. But I know that she cant truly be happy right now. If she was she wouldnt keep contacting me.

 

But in reality do you really want to know whats going on in her life...?

In my case the answer is no, it only hurts and keeps us from healing. That is what NC is for. It doesnt matter if she is single or dating. ITS ALL ABOUT YOU!!

 

About the plan "backfiring" If you have healed yourself correctly..............

IT DOESNT MATTER. Because at that point you will have moved on and learned to love yourself.

 

Dont fall victim to her trap of wanting you around as a safety net. It will only set you up for pain. BELIEVE ME!!! I did it. Instead take that net away it will make her wonder why. After starting NC for me, now I get contacted by my ex at least once a week. Now I am at the point where I dont want her to anymore its just too painful. I am thinking about breaking NC to tell her that I dont think she should contact me unless she wants to get back together.

 

If you have told her how you feel and that you want to get back together with her...leave it at that and move on. If not i would suggest writing her an email or better yet meeting her in person and getting everything off your chest, and then disappear for awhile, until you are a stronger better person. Take the time to heal yourself. Dont worry about her, she will miss you. Whether or not she acts upon it, noone can answer that.

 

Now is your time to become a stronger person. Be that person who is able to wander the pastures and see the greener grass. Dont blindly jump over the fence like she has.

 

krnelson2 "making lame analogies since......last week "

[SpeedingCars]

GREAT analogy! I love it! =)

 

And it really depends on the person in order to "calculate" the chance of backfiring. In my case, my guy broke up with me (even though he "still liked me") because we argued too much and things got REEEEALLY crazy and psycho towards the end...

 

He called me from time to time and I was just happy to hear from him that I'd always pick up. Weeks later, I realized I was waiting around for something that obviously wouldn't happen. I stopped talking to him, even if he called me or said hi to me. His efforts to be my friend increased but in my mind... it was either I'm his girlfriend or NOTHING. It's selfish, but I could not be "just friends" with him, and I still can't.

 

Ok point is... I basically stopped talking to him made him believe I really just don't care. It's a good/bad thing. It can definitely scare them off or intrigue them and bring them in closer. Turns out, he told me he got a new girlfriend because we "drifted" apart and "someone else" caught his eye. How lame!! Talk about backfiring... With that said... if she's stubborn, she probably won't come any closer in fear of getting rejected, but if she's willing to put her heart out on the line, she'll chase you...

 

It's all a matter of pride. I miss my ex SO much and would LOVE to get back with him but I will NOT call him... no matter how tempted I am. I will NOT say hi to him... it fools a lot of people including him, which may not be the best thing... acting too nonchalant can drive them away and even hurt them because they'll think they meant nothing to you.

 

As for the whole "getting a new person" after the relationship, it could possibly be a rebound but it doesn't matter whether it is or not. What matters is that they're no longer SINGLE and they are exclusive with someone else... if that's the case, it's probably best to not wait around because you never know how long it'll last...

 

It's okay to talk to her time to time even if she has somebody else. If you don't talk to her, it won't make her forget you... she would probably miss you more!

 

If they do break-up, act indifferent, do not be the Knight in Shining Armor because she might not return the same kind of attention... she might use you to make herself feel better then just move on.

[krnelson2]

GREAT analogy! I love it! =)

 

"His efforts to be my friend increased but in my mind... it was either I'm his girlfriend or NOTHING. It's selfish, but I could not be "just friends" with him, and I still can't."

 

There is nothing selfish about not wanting or being able to be friends with him at all. I thought the same thing for awhile, but then I stepped back and really thought about what it would accomplish. Heres what I came up with.

 

1.I would be there for her whenever she needed...She wouldnt be there for me.

2. I would have to be ok with seeing her with her new boyfriend...IM NOT OK WITH THAT

3. I would have to be friends while always wanting more...Thats not fair to either of us.

4. She will not have the chance to miss what she had with me...only NC can do that.

 

Do dont think it is selfish for not being friends. It is actually the opposite. It is them being selfish for ever thinking that it would work. Its selfish for them to think that they can have you around as a backup whenever they want.

 

Do what YOU need to do , not what he WANTS you to do.