5 months of pain

[confusedangel]

deleted past for future

[ebsmith1]

I wish I had answers for you because I'm in the same boat. A few days after he broke our engagement he said I was still going to be the one. He's living with another girl now..... Just know you aren't alone in the wondering.

[Mr. Stealth]

Looks like i took the same boat.

3 month before my gf brokeup, she was still talking about our mariage.and then she brokeup

now we havent had contact for almost 9 month.

i dont know if she will ever contact anymore.

i guess not b/c she is a hard person.

but i still love her and i dont know if she is feeling the same way.

i know its easy to say live goes on but its hard if you know you have to go trough life without the person you love.

and its hard for me to contact her because she is the one who dumped me.

do you people know if there is enything else i can do?

greetz to you all

[JoeWho]

I too am about 5 months past a break up with all the same lines of crap that your exes told you guys. My attitude is a bit different than yours though. I think that it is her loss that I am no longer in her life. That is how you guys should feel also. Why hold on and wait for someone who felt they could walk away from you and find someone better? They proved to you that there is someone better for you and in time you will find him/her.

 

The pain of losing someone is tough and takes a long time to recover from ( I am nowhere near ready to date again ), but the pain of waiting for someone to come back is your choice. Choose to close that door on them and then at least you can begin to take steps torwards your future.

 

Be strong and believe in yourselves!!!!!!

[SpeedingCars]

I'm about three or four months into my break-up... believe me, I went through (and am STILL going through) the whole, "Was it all a lie?", "I don't even KNOW him anymore!", "He never loved me..."

 

But then... you have to realize they DID love you that way, but time goes on and feelings change. When they told you they loved you, they meant it at that moment. It sucks, but hey...

 

For the "I Don't even know him anymore"... that tears me EVERYtime because I felt as if I KNEW my ex inside and out and he still has the nerve to act like a complete stranger, as if we never shared intimate moments together, like i'm just "another girl"... it hurts, but you gotta put yourself in the mental state that YOU are the better person, YOU are the prize, and life works in mysterious ways. Blessings happen when you LEAST expect them to... believe me, they do!!

 

I wasn't even expecting to find such an AMAZING guy (who's now, unfortunately, my ex... ahem, he wasn't so amazing afterall...), but when i was least looking for it, he came!! And that shall happen AGAIN... time will heal. It can be your worst enemy or best friend... but it always manages to sort things out.

[confusedangel]

i guess its hard for me to believe that people change..at least in that way. i knew he wasn't perfect and i knew he was flawed from the beginning but i always thought that i was the only one he trusted and knew the real him. i never thought that he can change and treat me like another person. i always believed that if we loved each other we can get through anything. it hurts when love can change and people can stop loving you. what then is true love? when is a relationship worth it and would work and when would it not? after all thats said and done can we really go back for another try? somehow i still want another try...

[audrey28]

hi everyone....i believe that with our exes, they still care for us....the same way that we still care for them.

 

i, for one, think about my ex all the time. i worry about how he is doing with his life. i decided to go NC...it's day 10 for me.

 

the way i see it, it's not so much that feelings change...but that we recognize the relationship isn't working...so going NC is perhaps the best way to move on.

 

when i was much younger, i had a difficult breakup as well. i wasn't able to go NC....and i think bec of that, the healing process was dragged on. at that time, i felt humiliated when i would call him and he would be so cold....

 

now that i'm older (and hopefully more mature), i realize that it's hard--- very, very hard....but we have to take responsibility and make our own choice. it's been done- the relationship, the trying....and we're just tired. the relationships we had...there were a lot of good in them....we will never forget these good memories....but now is not the time to be dwelling on them. we owe it to ourselves to move on first. in time, when we are healed, we can think about these good memories and smile.

 

it is a cliche...."if you love someone, set him free"...it's cheesy but it's true. sometimes we have to let go for one reason or another. sometimes it is just not the right relationship for us. we will continue caring for that person....he/she will always be special. that won't ever change. but life is complicated....these waves we are going through....we just have to ride them. better things will come....

[rsxguy520]

5 Months!? wow.. still getting there. remember time will heal you. you really can't force all that emotional feeling to get out of your system all at once. from reading your post it all seems as if you hadn't completely let go of the situation and thoughts of him. yeah, its hard not to think about him..i mean i still think about my ex ever so often. but the thing is, you need to start thinking about yourself more rather than the ending of what you and ex had. what happened in the past is over with, and all you can do is move forward and learned from that situation.

[terk2021]

As we go through these situations, it makes us question self worth, question what if, and constantly analyze as to how and why what happened. The reality of it is, it did, and there is nothing we can do to change it. Everyone posts on NC, for personal growth, and really cutting ties with that person. If they want to come back and try, then there is something to talk about.

 

These are very difficult things to accept, especially when we are lead sometimes by are hearts, and we feel we want to do everything in our power to have that relationship back, because we felt it was the best part of our lives.

 

Since my breakup (many posts out here, so I won't go into a lot of detail), I have been keeping in touch with the minister that taught our marriage prep class, and was actually going to be the one marrying us last July. Well, that all fell apart last year, and I have been trying to pick up the pieces and move on, but my stubborn heart and the hope that I could win her back has made it that much harder to heal.

 

The advice from this board, friends, family, counseling have all been great and provided consistent and clear messages. Move on, NC, everything happens for a reason, if it's meant to be, they will contact you and try and come back... Great advice, YES. Easy to follow, NO. I have given this advice to many on this board, and have a very difficult time following it myself.

 

I want to share a story that may help. I have continued to stay in contact with the minister that taught our marriage prep class, and was to marry us last July. All of the advice from everyone else was great, but it just seemed like I was being told the sky is blue. All of the obvious things we need to follow. The reality is when we suffer, and our heart has control over our minds, hearing how great we are, it wasn't our fault, and we should be good to ourselves... Sound familiar?

 

Well, I have met with this minister on a few occasions. What I really learned from him is that God truly does have a plan. I am not a very religious person. I put everything I had into this relationship, including my heart, soul, and purchased her the house of her dreams 3 months before we were to be married (in my name only and I was going to put her name on it once she was my wife). What made what he had to say different. Well, it started with the fact that I am a person in life who knows what he wants. I have a relationship with God, a strong loving heart, and good character. She is the one that does not know what she wants. Basically, he gave me comfort in knowing that I do know what I want, and that puts me in a better place.

 

For a long time, my response was I want to be with her. In many ways, it still is. The reality though is she confused in life about so many things. Since our breakup, his words hold true. I don't want to be married just to be married. I loved her, and wanted to get her back no matter what because she was the love of my life. His response was that he knew how much I loved her, and in reality, that was not good enough. Not just the love from me, but the love from anyone.

 

It gave me the opportunity to reflect on this loss in a whole different light. I know what I want. I want to be in a loving relationship in which the person I am with feels the same and can reciprocate that. He had me start examining things like questions about her past, and her past relationships. Based on that, the picture began to become more clear. Ever story has 2 sides as we all know, but his questions of why I would want to be with someone when they did not even know what they wanted for themselves.

 

I have direction. I want to be in a loving relationship and have a balanced life. She needs time to go figure out what she wants. Ultimately, I am in the better place.

 

We see our selves in a position of loss. We loved these people in our lives and feel that they destroyed ours. In many ways, they saved it. We now have the opportunity to meet the person that wants to love us, just as much as we love them.

 

It's really taken many conversations with him to really help me move forward. We always think that the person who dumped us is living it up. They don't want us anymore, and are happy to have us out of their lives. They may be happy in that regard, but they most likely internally are just not happy people.

 

We are suffering right now, but in the long run, we will be better off.

 

I hope these words have helped, and maybe have given you some different perspective.

[ruby19]

I'm into a little over two months past a break up and feel like I'm seeing myself when I read these messages. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone and the only person with these feelings.

 

I spend so much time questioning myself, my actions, why he has changed so much and is nothing like the man I thought I knew and loved. I'm moving on in baby steps, but falling out of love is one of the most difficult processes ever. It can't be forced or sudden, unless they do something so awful to you. Sometimes I wish he would so I could hate him and get past this stage quicker, but considering I still love him after he suddenly broke up with me for another girl and was lying about things for months I'm not sure what he could do to make me stop loving him suddenly. It will fade with time, as past relationships I've had have proved, but the fading is so sad and painful. I try to picture how I feel now about exes I haven't seen in years, how I have maybe a few nice memories but feel almost nothing when I think about them. And someday I will feel get to that point with my feelings about my latest ex too, which should give me some comfort, but right now that concept is so sad :sad:

[confusedangel]

thanks guys for the replies. i know that in the future i might not care as much but going through it now is definitely not easy.

 

Terk, you are right. i do want to be in a loving relationship with someone that cares about me as much as i care about them. i thought he did and sometimes i think that he was just tired of the bad relationship that we had. he's never been a happy person and he told me being with me made him happy. but after all the bad things he was just tired of the relationship and wokring haard at it. he just wanted a relationship that works. is that even possible? he told me he doesnt need this right now and just wants to focus on his career. can one be happy with just their career and without love?

[terk2021]

That's a great question!!! I lived my life for my career for about 7 years. Anytime a relationship got too close, I ran. A lot of people that are so focused on career truly think that what they are doing is saving the world. I thought what I was doing was so important...

 

After a few years of being the best man at friends weddings, watching them have children, and finding that there is a little more to life than just work, I found myself beginning to take relationships more seriously. I have been in 2 since. The ironic part of the cancelation of my wedding is that my ex has turned to her career as the primary focus of her life. She never really had the career as a focus, so I can't completely fault her for it.

 

I want a balanced life, and I know there are women out there that want the same thing too. Solid relationships are about sharing the same long term goals, and having similar priorities. Relationships should not be about giving up life, but about finding balance in it.

 

I have some older friends in my life that have many regrets on things that they past up. After all, a paycheck is a paycheck...

 

To answer your question, yes. One can be happy with just their career. Ultimately, these are the type of people that wake up one day and realize there is more to life. The question is when.... It took me about 8 years...

 

I wish you the best. Take it day by day, and trust that you will be better off in the long run. It's very, very hard to do. Just remember you deserve better.