Girlfriend is Jealous\worried about my past

[loverUTD]

I've been with her for about 4 months. I absolutely love her, and don't want to be without her. Yesterday, due to the weather, we spent all day in my apartment. We have separate apartments, but she spends most of her free time over here. I noticed that she was distant and withdrawn all day. Later in the day, when she was going to her apartment to take a shower, she said she was feeling smothered, and that she was going to sleep at her apartment. I said I totally understood that she needed her space, and kissed her goodnight.

 

She tried to call me at 11:10pm last night, but I ignored the call, thinking she was just a little lonely and that I should give her a chance to have her space.

 

I called her back this morning, and she said we needed to talk. So I went over to her apartment and we talked. She said that she wasn't really feeling smothered, that was just her cover for what she was really feeling. She said that she doesn't like to see me around other people, that it makes her jealous, and if she's not around too, then she worries about what I might be doing.

 

Now I have absolutely no history of cheating. I've never even entertained an unfaithful thought. I love this girl more than anyone I've ever met. She opens me up and makes me a better person, and I don't want to lose her.

 

Her reasoning for feeling jealous all the time she says, is that I used to be gay. I know, you don't hear "i used to be gay" a lot, but that's how it is. Between the ages of 14 and 18, I thought I was gay, and lived a livestyle accordingly. At age 18, I began to feel feelings for girls, and ever since then I have had no sexual contact with a male. I'm almost 22 now. I have no desire to be with men, I don't find men attractive. I only want her. I told her all about this past before we began dating, when we were good friends.

 

I know she loves me, and I love her deeply. She did some reading on the internet, and so did I, and the response to all similar questions is "he's gay and in denial, leave him!" I don't feel that anyone who isn't me can say with any accuracy what my sexual orientation is. I'm very attracted to her, just as much today as when I first met her. We have great sex, usually 2 or more times a day, and according to her, it's the best she's ever had.

 

I put HUGE amounts of efforts into this relationship, into making her happy every single day. And according to her, I'm doing everything right. This really kills me, since it's her jealousy\worrying problem, and I seem helpless to fix it. Please give me some advice. My heart's breaking here.

[Relationship Coach]

Her insecurity may be stemed from she feels threatened by both men and women because of your past. Jealousy is one thing, not trusting you is totally different. You need to let her know and reassure her that you know who you are and what you want and where you are symbolizes that.

 

RC

[loverUTD]

I tried to reassure her that I loved her, and I will for a long time to come.

 

It may be worth noting that a few weeks before new years, she kissed her ex at a party while intoxicated. She promptly confessed and cried about it. I immediately forgave her, and didn't become angry at all.

 

Is couples counseling something to consider? I'm willing to make the effort if it would help. She seems to think that it's entirely her problem that she can't get over this. I feel helpless not being able to do anything. I want to go over to her apartment and philabuster until she gives in, but I know better. Anyone have any ideas what I can do?

[Relationship Coach]

I think this is all a bit early for counseling, perhaps she is still dealing with her guilt. She may feel that since she screwed up maybe you will too in retaliation or by circumstance. The best you can do is just assure her that you are with her by choice, if you wanted someone else you would have been long gone. Time is all I can see here that is going to help.

 

RC

[loverUTD]

I kinda figured time and space were the answers from the beginning. I think it's hard for me to accept that since I like to make things right, or fix things. I just feel helpless and out of control in a relationship I worked so hard to build.

 

Thank you for your advice so far.

[Relationship Coach]

You're welcome.

[loverUTD]

She came and picked up her phone charger a little while ago. I walked her down to her car, down the icy steps. I told her that I knew who I was and what I wanted. That I was the man that loved her, and I would be for a long time to come. She cried a little and said to give her a few days.

 

I'm in bed sobbing now. What does this mean? I'm dying here.

[Relationship Coach]

It's possible there is something she is not telling you but if you try to force it out of her it could make things worse. Give her some space and try and hold yourself together until she is ready to come forward.

 

RC

[loverUTD]

On top of that, one of my absolute best friend's in the world abruptly stopped talking to me about 5 months ago. (Coincidentally around the same time I started dating my girlfriend?) A total loss of contact. She goes to school accross the country. I've sent a few emails over the months, really just "how's it going?" Nothing serious. Never a reply. I asked a mutual friend if she was doing ok over Christmas break, she told me that she was.

 

Well yesterday I sent her a tearful emailing saying that I needed her to talk to me, to be my friend. She actually wrote back, asking simply "is something wrong?"

 

I find myself too angry with her to actually talk to her. That she abandoned me for all this time without giving a reason. I suspect it may have hurt her that I spent years being her gay friend, only to go off and fall in love with some girl at college. But I don't know that for certain. It's just a wild theory.

[caro33]

Yes but the simplest answer is generally right etc. You're probably right. I'm sure it hurts, but it's her issue (your ex-friend). Her failing. I assume she always had a crush on you and just didn't make the move because you were out of bounds. And then you weren't, so she feels she missed her chance. Maybe she even thinks you were extra gay around her so you didn't have to be with her. Who knows. She could just be cut you "lied" to her at all, but there's so little empathy there it's sad.

 

Re your girlfriend, it sounds like maybe she started to believe she was head over heels for you, and then pulled herself up smartly when she realised that maybe she cares about your past more now; it means more to her now that you mean more to her. And your story is one not often heard, at least I hear it about women but not often men. The stock standard response I think many people would make is that you are in denial, and so no doubt she is feeling threatened by that perception. What if she gives in to her feelings for you whole-heartedly and then you have some epiphany that maybe you are gay after all? I can imagine thinking that.

 

Would you go find a counsellor together? This might be risky because you want to ensure the person is open minded enough and experienced enough, but I wonder of she hears from a professional that people like you do exist, and that she has nothing more to worry about than your average person, she might start to feel better.

 

I had a situation with my partner that was similar, in the sense that he was telling me he felt a way about a specific issue that completely did not tally with others' perceptions of his behaviour. We went to a counsellor and she told me later not to worry and that my partner did seem to mean what he said. That external validation from an "expert" went a long way to off-setting the "he's in denial" guff I got from all my well-meaning friends, as well as stuff from the internet.

 

The final thing I can think of is maybe she found something in your apartment. Something you have forgotten about, from your past life. It's made the whole "he was gay" thing come into perspective for her, it's become real when it wasn't before. Maybe she snooped and she's embarrassed. Who knows. But it's worth having a think about this. She might also have misinterpreted something she saw.

[loverUTD]

She came and broke up with me this morning. She said that the past was just a sympton of her overall feelings. She said she feels that she doesn't love me as much as I love her.

 

I feel that she may be trying to hide something that she's guilty about. She tried to break up with me when she kissed her ex before new years, but I pried the truth out of her and we moved on.

 

She seemed extremely resolute in what she said. As if it was practiced. She didn't shed any tears.

 

I didn't have anything to say to her. I just feel totally unloveable. I told her to gather her things and go, and that if she changes her mind, I'll be here.

 

She sent me an email about an hour after that saying she wants to talk to me tonight after class. Now I'm back to not knowing what may happen.

[caro33]

Oh no! I'm so sorry. I'm positive you are not unloveable, your posts have shown a lovely guy, someone who is thoughtful and intelligent.

 

How are you going? How many hours until you expect to hear from her? What are you going to do?

[loverUTD]

I had class from 5:30 to 6:45. Now I'm watching American Idol. I hate American Idol. Just something to do to pass the time until she gets out of class at 10. That's when she's coming to talk to me.

 

Hopefully I can get her to tell me what the real issue is here.

 

It was almost a relief when she broke up with me earlier. It was better than sitting around wondering if it was over or not. But now I'm plunged back into the suspense of the unknown.

[caro33]

Well I guess you will have some clarity soon. I have no idea what time it is over there at the moment but I assume her visit is not far off.

 

I hope she is honest with you, and I hope you are okay.

[loverUTD]

She told me she's not in love with me anymore. She was, but not anymore. She says she still loves me. I told her to call me if she changes her mind, I'll be waiting, and asked her to leave.

 

I've never felt this way about anyone before. Not even close. I've never been in love before. Gay or straight I was a shallow, bad person. I never really cared about anyone.

 

But I love this girl and I don't want to lose her. I realize it's entirely out of my hands now. It's going to be a rough year of undergrad knowing she's nearby. I was planning on spending this year making great memories with her before going off to law school. Now I'll have to take 5 months of memories and a year of heartbreak with me.

 

I went to a friends new house to drink last night. I couldn't stand to drink much. I ended up hiding in a bathroom in a far end of the house, crying on the floor with my head in my hands. I slept there for about 2 hours, paced the floors for about 4 hours. No one wanted to wake up or drive on the ice. And taxis are messed up because of the weather. So I walked home. 3.5 miles. It wasn't so bad. At least I was doing something.

 

She doesn't know why she's not in love with anymore. I have explanation. She says I did everything right and I really believe that I did. I tried so hard to make this perfect. I don't deserve this. If bad things are going to happen to good people, why can't I catch a lightning bolt? At least then I'd go out quick and in a bang. Instead I'm just left to... linger.

[Ninako]

This is a difficult situation, but she does have a right to feel the way she does. If she's uncomfortable with your past (since i think this may have to do with it) then thats her problem. You told her the truth, and she wont have it. Find someone that can learn to accept your past, dont worry over someone that wont believe you. You put forth the effort to make it work and she gave up. You deserve more.

[loverUTD]

Yeah, she ended our relationship on facebook and changed her picture away from us as a couple to one of her with her sister.

 

It was such a blow seeing that. It's like it made it all real. I threw up.

 

I think she doesn't know what's going on, she's confused, etc. She is prone to hormonal mood swings, and she did just start on the pill a month ago. All I can do is wait for her to figure out that she does love me. I think if I hold on long enough, she'll come back to me.

 

I told her I would never call her. But I will always answer when she calls me, and that I'll be waiting when she figures out what she wants.

[loverUTD]

Holy christ, I just threw up again. I was having some soup for lunch and writing the post before this one and I just felt violently ill. So that's twice.

 

I am starving and have been for a few days now. But I don't want to eat, and it looks like even if I make myself, I won't keep it down.