Question for you dumpers/dumpees!

[Adam_in_hell]

It worked out in the end.. I am through the misery and happy again

[Alkarl]

That is pretty weird that she could go out with somoene else so soon after such a long and meaningful relationship with you. Maybe she wants to see how YOU react to it? Or maybe it's just her way of trying to get over you. I don't really know many details, but I know that some girls use their rebound phase to date around. Nothing serious, maybe dinner and a movie, e.t.c.

 

That's all I can think of....

[fleur-de-lis]

I am a girl who has just dumped her bf yesterday...

If you 've been together for so long, maybe she just wants to know other people and this doesn't mean she doesn't care about you... maybe she is just sick of the arguments you had and the new guy is like a breath of fresh air. I know the feeling, I have im'ed some guy who likes me yesterday and I felt so much at ease... I mean it is so refreshing to talk to someone who apreciates you and not argue with you and nou disappoint you (like my ex did). And I believe by the age of 33, maybe she just wants to reassure herself that she is atractive.

 

And I agree with Alkarl, maybe she just wants to feel better and is fun to go out with someone who doesn't remind her of you.

 

Anyway, it is important why did she break up with you, maybe she is mad at you... but I think women tend to look back more than men do (my girlfriends agree with that )

[Pegasus]

When a woman ends a relationship - in her mind it ended a long before the point when you become aware of it. She stopped loving you long before, she just didn't tell you. It's the way things work.

[majord23]

It sounds like a stereotypical rebound relationship. When a relationship ends, it leaves a gap in people's lives (emotional/intimate/time) and some people attempt to fill that gap with a new relationship.

 

Quite often they may find themselves in a new relationship with someone who is the opposite of their ex (which sounds like the case in your situation) as they see it as exciting to be with someone who is so different from their former bf/gf.

 

'Usually' these relationships don't last, but there are some occasions when they do.

 

You ask how to get your ex back.

Well, the most effective way on doing this (and no, I'm not just saying this) is moving on - really moving on.

If your ex sees you doing this - becoming less affected by them and the break-up, dating others, being confident and not reliant on them for your happiness...sometimes it can be enough to reignite the spark.

 

Look after yourself, concentrate on getting over her and not monitoring her every move and you'll give yourself the best chance of a *healthy* reconciliation.

[mikeca]

listen to majord, guy knows what hes talking about!

[Adam_in_hell]

I am through my misery and happy again

[fleur-de-lis]

If she wants that guy instead of you, I don't know what you can do to change her mind ... i chose NC right now, and I firmly believe that if my ex dates his ex-gf (ex-ex-gf), I made the right choice by letting him go

[majord23]

Hey guys, thanks for great advice!

 

Just wondering how I should approach the attempt of reconciliation, especially since I am abroad until May. NC until then? Occational IM's etc? I know this depends from relationship to relationship, but I would greatly appreciate advice! Maybe I should remove myself as her "safety net", so that she will really feel how it is just to be with him, and not with me.

 

On the other side, if she feels that I am just moving on, won't that confirm her decision of moving on with him?

 

Thanks for any thoughts!

 

Simply put, don't 'approach' reconciliation.

The more you focus on getting a second chance - the less llikely it will happen. Sometimes we put all of our eggs in one basket, viewing reconciliation as the only relationship that we want (need).

 

If you were an employer interviewing prospective employees, who would you be more likely to give a job to: The guy who is deperate for the job because it is his 'dream job', or the guy who has all the skills to fill the role, is confident in his own abilities...and you know that if you don't give him the position he has a dozen other companies that will snap him up?

 

Now your pity may have you considering the first applicant, but your business-sense tells you that the second guy is the man for the job.

The first guy is a risk, and if pity turns out to be your only motivation for leaning his way....then there is a big chance that you'll both end up disappointed.

Same goes in your situation.

 

NC, LC - makes no difference really. It all depends on what you can handle while *moving on*. As I said before, *really* moving on. That means not worrying about how your actions affect your ex. It means dating others if you feel like it without doing it solely to make your ex jealous. It means getting to a point where you are back to the guy your ex fell in love with. One that may view her as attractive, but who is not dependent on it being reciprocated.

 

The exes that I get along with the best, the exes that I suspect are the ones that I could 'get a chance' with again (if I was so inclined) are the exes that I am completely over. They are the girls that I can flirt with, the girls that I can be myself with, the girls that have absolutely no emotional power over me (and they can sense that). I am the guy that I was when we first got together...and that to them, is attractive.

 

Will moving on decrease your chances of getting your ex back? In a word: No. But once you start breaking away from your ex and your situation, you'll realise that just how it effects your ex matters less and less.

[anggrace]

When a woman ends a relationship - in her mind it ended a long before the point when you become aware of it. She stopped loving you long before, she just didn't tell you. It's the way things work.

 

I am a woman and I am telling you that this is NOT true.

 

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I was very much in love with him. I wanted to feel closer to him and he wanted to distance himself from me. thereforeeee, I knew it wasnt going to work. I listened to my head, not my feelings.

 

She may very well still love you and is doing this to take her mind off of it.

Im sure it does feel a bit strange to her, but it probably is helpfull to her in some way.

[Adam_in_hell]

I am through my misery and happy again

[Adam_in_hell]

I am through my misery and happy again

[anggrace]

Anggrace, how do you feel about reconciling after a while with your ex? Does he have to change considerably, and if so, what signs are you looking for? How long have you been broken up for, and are you in NC?

 

We have only been broken up for 5 days now. We havent talked the whole time. Ill admit that although I feel I did the right thing, I truly did NOT want to do it.

We've been through this before and I did take him back. It was because he was persistent and it made me feel he really loved me. But in the end, nothing had changed.

 

If he wanted back any time soon, Id say no. If it was later down the road when we've both had time to put things in perspective, then mabey. I just think we were so tangeled up with issues and I dont think that they'de suddenly undo themselves. He had plenty of opportunities when we were together to make an effort, and I know I tried my absolute best to make it work.

[anggrace]

Tell me, did you try your best when you were together? Did you have plenty of warning that she was unhappy?

[Adam_in_hell]

I am through my misery and happy again

[Adam_in_hell]

I am through my misery and happy again

[fleur-de-lis]

anggrace, I'm in the same situation here, I broke up with my bf yesterday because he can't stop lying to me. And we too have been here before, but I forgave him because he said that he loved me so much and he can change for me.... but he didn't. I miss him, but I don't believe he can change.... I don't know what the future holds for us, but right now, I'm too hurt and too disapointed to take him back

[anggrace]

anggrace, I'm in the same situation here, I broke up with my bf yesterday because he can't stop lying to me. And we too have been here before, but I forgave him because he said that he loved me so much and he can change for me.... but he didn't. I miss him, but I don't believe he can change.... I don't know what the future holds for us, but right now, I'm too hurt and too disapointed to take him back

 

How long were you together for? Is he trying to get in contact with you?

My ex has not tried once. The last time we talked, he said he was sorry for some of the hurt he caused me, but I dont think he was trying to get back with me. You can send me a personal message if you need to talk.

[fleur-de-lis]

Anyway, I don't think I can make a decision right now... I am commited to NC, just to figure what do I really want ... And I think I will be going out this period of time, cause it's good for me.

[fleur-de-lis]

How long were you together for? Is he trying to get in contact with you?

My ex has not tried once. The last time we talked, he said he was sorry for some of the hurt he caused me, but I dont think he was trying to get back with me. You can send me a personal message if you need to talk.

Since the last split-up, we were together for a year. When I left his home yesterday morning, he yelled at me and told me that he won't come to me begging to be together. I contacted him yesterday to give him his things and when he came to my place, we didn't talk at all except for "do you need your toothbrush back? is there anything else you have here?"

 

Anyway, we talked a little last night because I logged in in his yahoo account, beleiving he is offline, but I was wrong ... he told me he knows he made a mistake by lying to me... and that he has to change and he understands me... but all this sweet talk doesn't impress me anymore. I don't think either that he was trying to get back with me

[fleur-de-lis]

And now, he is blocked on messenger and on skype....so he can only contact me by phone, but I don't think he would do that very soon. I plan not to answer... because he has to understand I deserve more respect . I only hope I can keep NC .

[Siriana]

When a woman ends a relationship - in her mind it ended a long before the point when you become aware of it. She stopped loving you long before, she just didn't tell you. It's the way things work.

 

I agree.

 

 

And a new guy is someone she's with just not to be alone - she got used on beeing with someone.

 

 

 

And move on, thats the best you can do right now.

[spikespiegel]

erlendengelstad, I am in a somewhat similar situation, and just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your confusion about it...

 

My relationship ended towards the beginning of December after 14 months. Now, that's not nearly as long as your relationship was, but it was longest time that she or I had spent with anyone, and we were very serious about each other. The first year was amazing, and then the last couple of months we were together were pretty rocky, due mostly to a lot of exterior (work, class, etc.) stress in my opinion. We got in a couple of big fights, and at the end of the last one, we both decided that we needed some space for a few days to sort things out. When we talked again, I wanted to make things work, and she had had enough, and didn't want to try anymore. It absolutely crushed me.

 

I came to find out recently that she has been seeing someone since almost right after we broke up. I couldn't believe it. After all the things we'd been through together and done together and planned together, how could she move on that quickly? I couldn't fathom it, especially since she had been with me for twice as long as her next longest relationship. Had I really had no effect on her? Like you, I also know the guy she has been seeing. The weird thing is, from what I know, he's a lot like me as far as interests and even our professions are concerned, just several years older.

 

I've done the rebound thing myself a couple of years ago, and I will never do it again. It just prolongs your own healing, and hurts the person you're rebounding with. I think that that is what both your ex and my ex are doing. In my case, I realized what was really happening about 2 months into my rebound. I woke up one day and figured out that I was pretty much trying to have my rebound step into my ex's shoes, and that wasn't right. Maybe they'll realize that as well...

 

I'll be watching this thread for more female replies as well. Thanks to those who have replied so far. Hopefully we can get some insight...

[Adam_in_hell]

I am through my misery and happy again