Caldus Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 OK hopefully this is my last question about her... Why would a girl be with a guy if they never have good conversations? I mean, every time she hangs out with me now, she complains how she's just been feeling so 'blah' and 'stagnant' and missing good conversation (we always great conversations). And it's not purely a sexual relationship with him as far as I know. It seems to be more romantic. But how? They get drunk all the time (we never ever got drunk and she very rarely drinks, but does it all the time now with him. They just sit and watch movies, and never have any good conversations. I just don't get it. This really bothers me and I just want to know the psychology behind it all. Although it sounds like it, this isn't merely a "I'm jealous" post. Yes, I am jealous. Very jealous. And a little angry inside about it. But I just want to know what would make a woman behave this way? Keep in mind she is around the same age as me. Thanks. Link to comment
Aurian Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 I dunno. Good conversations are really important to me! My thought is perhaps he's introducing her to new things. Maybe she's feeling rebellious or something and getting drunk together feels naughty, or its some kind of status thing (is he popular or very attractive?). I can't imagine it would last long though if she's already complaining about him being blah though. Link to comment
Caldus Posted January 11, 2007 Author Share Posted January 11, 2007 Well I mean it was just an implication to me that she was not having fulfilling conversations with him if she always has to come to me for good convos, you know what I mean? I mean, yeah, obviously she is more attracted to him because he is taller than me and older than me, etc. etc. And I think she's done enough rebelling in her life, although I could be wrong. She used to do all kinds of 'bad' things as a teenager. I don't think it's a status thing. I don't think the guy is all that popular. Then again I don't know too much about him (and really don't want to ever know what's going on between them, I'd rather be ignorant of it all). I'm just so frustrated with all of this and wish I could get her out of my head. It certainly doesn't help that I still hang out with her once a week. Tonight we hung out and started doing this art exercise where we stare at each other while drawing each other etc. God why did I do that, lol. Why why why? Why are we doing such awesome activities together and then yet she spends SO much time with this other guy being super 'stagnant' with her life? Ug it frustrates me so much I can't even describe it. I still love her and wish I didn't. I have no other friends I hang out with on a regular basis and it just sucks having to wait an entire week before I even get any kind of good social interaction. I've been getting out there and trying to make new friends at least... Sorry I'm just kinda ranting now. Been doing too much of that this week, lol. Link to comment
Aurian Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 No prob, that's what this site is for I dunno really. Doesn't make much sense to me, but as some guys tell me, women never make sense My thought is that you got "friendzoned" or something? Either try make a play for her, or maybe it would be easier on you to reduce contact? It doesn't seem good for you to be stewing in frustration and jealousy Link to comment
Caldus Posted January 11, 2007 Author Share Posted January 11, 2007 I can't help it. She's like my only friend I have left these days. She's too good to just throw out. And yeah I do realize I got friendzoned big time here. But either way, I want to know the psychology behind it all. And what also bothers me is that I can't figure out why she wanted to sleep with me in the first place if she told me later on that I don't meet her 'requirements'... Link to comment
hosswhispra Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 Hey Caldus, She could be using you as her proverbial 'emotional tampon', in other words she has nothing more than an emotional bond with you. Women emotionally bond when they talk. Men bond when they engage in an activity. For your own sake Caldus, stop allowing her to unload emotionally on you. It's not doing you any good. Seriously, the best thing that you could do for yourself right now is to cut all contact with her. It will hurt bigtime but in time it does get better. hosswhispra Link to comment
DeviousOne Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 Hey Caldus, She could be using you as her proverbial 'emotional tampon', in other words she has nothing more than an emotional bond with you. Women emotionally bond when they talk. Men bond when they engage in an activity. For your own sake Caldus, stop allowing her to unload emotionally on you. It's not doing you any good. Seriously, the best thing that you could do for yourself right now is to cut all contact with her. It will hurt bigtime but in time it does get better. hosswhispra Thats kinda harsh but i agree... She is w/ that guy because she is comfortable w/ the sitaution and once a woman is comfortable they'll stay in that "crappy" relationship and she'll continue to stay in it cause she has you to complain and talk to about it...I'd def stop all convo about her BF w/ her still talk to her but not about her bf Link to comment
Caldus Posted January 11, 2007 Author Share Posted January 11, 2007 Can anyone explain the 'sleeping with me' part? Link to comment
crazy300 Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 I can't help it. She's like my only friend I have left these days. She's too good to just throw out. And yeah I do realize I got friendzoned big time here. But either way, I want to know the psychology behind it all. And what also bothers me is that I can't figure out why she wanted to sleep with me in the first place if she told me later on that I don't meet her 'requirements'... She's buttering up her ego, and I cant believe she told you that! Maybe by saying she'll sleep with you, she hopes to "keep you", since you're a guy and she knows you want to(sleep with her). I agree with the other people, reduce all contact with her immediately. Trust me on this one, 99% she'll come crawling to you eventually. I think you should be a little 'hard to get' on this one as she has clearly taken you for granted. I think I've done this before to one of my guy friends....long time back.. Link to comment
Caldus Posted January 11, 2007 Author Share Posted January 11, 2007 I'm just at least glad that she never even mentions him whenever we hang out. I'd rather just stay ignorant of everything. And I don't think she's necessarily complaining about the relationship since she never talks to me about it (or whatever it is now). She just complains about how she is lacking good convos in her life lately and I know it has to do with the guy she is with now. So she's really not using me as an emotional tampon in that sense. I still can't figure her out. I just don't understand her behavior... Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 My man Caldus, let's get this thing straightened out once and for all for you. Why would a girl be with a guy if they never have good conversations? Friends can have good conversations. Having good conversations, believe it or not, isn't a requisite for a healthy relationship! It can help you, but you can be the most unphilosophical, uneducated, guy who only jokes around and keep women interested in you. You could be downright boring and do nothing except go to the bar and sit in front of the TV all day. It's not the mental that keeps a woman interested in you, it's the emotional ie. how much you care about her and how you show it. I mean, every time she hangs out with me now, she complains how she's just been feeling so 'blah' and 'stagnant' and missing good conversation (we always great conversations). And it's not purely a sexual relationship with him as far as I know. It seems to be more romantic. But how? It's all about the stuff he says to her. He knows how to show her that he cares about her. She might complain that she's not getting the other stuff she desires from him, but when it comes to the stuff that matters, he produces. Although it sounds like it, this isn't merely a "I'm jealous" post. Yes, I am jealous. Very jealous. And a little angry inside about it. But I just want to know what would make a woman behave this way? She's acting this way just because of him. It's crazy to see the impact a guy can have on a girl (and vice versa in certain situations). But as for the jealousy, this is all you have to look forward to as long as you keep in touch with her and keep tabs on her. It's not good and the main reason why I recommend not staying friends with someone after you break up with them. These feelings won't go away as long as you are in touch with her. You know I wouldn't steer you wrong buddy. Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 I mean, yeah, obviously she is more attracted to him because he is taller than me and older than me, etc. etc. His height and age don't impact the situation at all. That has nothing to do with it. I have no other friends I hang out with on a regular basis and it just sucks having to wait an entire week before I even get any kind of good social interaction. I've been getting out there and trying to make new friends at least... Keep working on it my man! You can get there. Go work out and when you go to the gym, strike up some conversations with the other guys there. Join and art club. One thing is for certain, you have to be out of the house doing stuff to make friends (unless you want to make some friends online. Nothing wrong with that, but making friends face to face in your own town is better because you can hang out together with them. As for getting girls, that's a whole different set of skills necessary which can also be learned, but you have nothing more to gain by keeping in touch with this chick. The contact might pacify you some, but you'll also get the constant frustration, jealousy, and wasted time which you could be using to do something else more fulfilling. Link to comment
Caldus Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 It's not the mental that keeps a woman interested in you, it's the emotional ie. how much you care about her and how you show it. Right. But I mean I show it a lot. I gave her a really expensive gift for x-mas and she really loved it. And I have definitely mentioned before how I care about her etc. And I know she cares about me as a friend. So I don't think it's that either? Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 And I know she cares about me as a friend. So I don't think it's that either? Well, friendship and romantic interest are very different things. And in your case all it means is that she's just not interested in you romantically anymore. It's basically like a not so harsh way of nexting you. Buying someone something expensive is a way to show that you care, but you gave her conflicting actions. Like accepting the FWB told her that you don't really care. And girls are going to err on the side of caution with this and will look at the negative signs more strongly than the positive ones. Like accepting the friendship while she's with some other dude. If I cared about a girl, I wouldn't accept this. Link to comment
Caldus Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 From the beginning, she didn't want anything serious. So that's when I suggested a FWB. I showed her affection and obviously showed that I care about what is going in her life and didn't just want to have sex with her then leave. I was really just loving the companionship more than anything. And I think you're right. I've made too many mistakes. I don't want to make another with this. So I'm going to stop being stupid and listen to you now and not later like I did last time. I'm going to not hang out with her next week like I usually do. I'll make an excuse like I have other plans, etc. As much as I hate to do it, I think it's necessary now if I ever want to start feeling better. Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 OK good, take the extra time on your own (best case NC) so you can get your head straight. But then it's time to come clean so you can put it to rest in your own mind. The goal would be to tell her flat out that you don't just see her as a friend and you're only interested in something more. And if she gives you any other answer than a yes I agree let's get back into a reltionship right now, then it's time to stick up for yourself and request NC unless she changes her mind and wants to be in a relationship. Then there's nothing left to be said and you can enter the 2nd phase of NC. It's at this point where you move on and find someone else. If you know she wouldn't be interested in a relationship and there's no chance, all you have to do is tell her you're not interested in being friends as you see her as something more. Link to comment
Caldus Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 So tell me, how do you let them know you care about them emotionally? I mean was I not doing it right or something? Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 There are lots of ways you can let a girl know you care. You're probably familiar with all the classic ways, buying flowers, holding them, telling them that you care about them, having sex with them, kissing. These are all the positive ones that you already know about. but the problem is that so many other guys know about these too and many have manipulated women by doing these nice things in order to get sex. So girls started looking at other things to determine if a guy cares about her. Things like if you get jealous when it comes to another guy, if you get offended when she says something insulting (shows her you care about what she thinks), if you don't accept being her friend and instead only accept something romantic, if you don't accept a FWB and only accept a relationship, if you get possessive to some degree. These are the somewhat negative emotions which guys aren't very adept at faking. It's easy to pretend that you're nice, it's harder to pretend that you're mad or jealous. I personally know you care(d) about this chick, but all of the actions didn't line up with the emotions. And chicks will only give you a certain amount of time to get things straightened out before they decide that you're not the one and move on. You already know you shouldn't have accepted the FWB, but you also have some other things going on. Like when she brings up the other guy, do you just sit and listen with no reaction? You get jealous, but you hold it in. Do you see what this shows her? She's not a mind reader and can only decide by what you show her, and if you don't show her any emotional response like getting upset or jealous, then she thinks you don't truly care about her in a romantic sense. So many times I would be talking to a girl and she would bring up some other guy. I don't want to hear about some other guy, so I cut her off and confront her about it. Usually at this point she takes a leap forward in her interest in me because she sees that I care about her. Also by accepting the friendship after the FWB, you also show her you don't care. I had an ex who admitted that this was the case! If you continue to keep things as "friends" between the two of you, then she's gonna continue to think that you don't really care abuot her. but if you reject her friendship and only accept a relationship, then at least she would know that you care. It's too late for it to have an effect on the situation between the two of you, but at least you wouldn't be holding your feelings inside anymore. So many problems created by guys who hold their emotions inside or don't know how to express what they feel. Girls want above all else to feel the ginuine emotion that you care about them. You just have to learn how she interprets the things that you do and then act accordingly. Link to comment
Caldus Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 heloladies (or anyone else really)... I'm having a really hard time today determining how I'm going to carry out this "I can't be friends anymore" without hurting myself too much. I know if I do it in person, it will hurt me so much. Yet I know it's probably the better way to do it. There are so many last things I want to say her, like how much she hurt me with certain things she has done lately. For example, I'm really upset about her comment last week that she misses the good conversations and yet stays with this other guy. I don't want to be used in that way. I want to tell her that but I know it's probably just immature and pointless. I also want to tell her that it really hurt a ton when she first told me how she was hanging out the guy a lot more lately and was buying a bunch of new bras for herself (gee I wonder why ...). I also want to tell her that it hurts me that she would rather go drink and watch movies every night with this guy instead of doing something more meaningful with me. I just want to tell her so many little things like that but I know it's probably just immature and pointless. It's going to hurt even more if I say I can't be friends with her anymore and then she just kinda just shrugs and says "alright, well goodbye" or something like that instead of showing an ounce of care for me as a friend. What I really want to do, but know it's immature and stupid: - Tell her this week I have other plans (she'll think I'm hanging out with this new girl I've been telling her about lately). - Tell her next week that I am too busy with school. - Then I'll probably have to come clean after that. - And when I do come clean, I will tell her all the stuff I was talking about above and just let my emotions go on her. If I end up yelling a bit, oh well. At least I got it out of my system. What I know I should probably do: - Tell her I'm only coming over this week very briefly. - When I come over, tell her I simply can't be friends and don't say anything else. - If she wants to say something, fine. Otherwise, I leave. Can anyone help me with this? I'm trying not to hurt myself too much with this. I know it's the right thing to do at this point to get her out of my life for good. Yet I know it's going to be a painful. Help? Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 Friend #1 You should be very proud of yourself for coming to this realization that this is the right thing to do. So many guys out there chasing after something that was decided so long ago. Playing around in the friends limbo while preventing themselves from moving on. Apparently that's not going to be you anymore. So as for this conversation, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's harder than any exam I've ever taken or any of that. Nothing else in this world can make me lose sleep or not eat for a week like this. But after you're done, it's all uphill and you'll start feeling better so shortly. So have my guarantee that better times are ahead. I'm having a really hard time today determining how I'm going to carry out this "I can't be friends anymore" without hurting myself too much. I know if I do it in person, it will hurt me so much. Yet I know it's probably the better way to do it. Many different ways which this has been done. The last time I did it was through an IM conversation. It's no matter, as long as the point gets accross. For you, since you don't see her too much, I'd recommend that you just call her. You can get it over with without torturing yourself too much until you finally see her. You could just ring her up and say "hey, I'd like to talk to you about this friendship thing we have going on right now" and take it from there. There are so many last things I want to say her, like how much she hurt me with certain things she has done lately. For example, I'm really upset about her comment last week that she misses the good conversations and yet stays with this other guy. I don't want to be used in that way. I want to tell her that but I know it's probably just immature and pointless. I know you're hurt, but you can't really place any of the blame on her. I mean, she meant what she said as a compliment, that she likes your personality. It would be too weird to take it like she's insulting you. You should feel hurt, but she didn't push this friendship on you. For all she knows and from what you've shown her, she believes that you are 100% cool with the friendship. Can't fault her for treating you like a friend when you agreed to it. So do the right thing and save any of the hate you want to express for us people on here. Come and vent, we're here to listen. I also want to tell her that it hurts me that she would rather go drink and watch movies every night with this guy instead of doing something more meaningful with me. You can tell her this. This shows that you care. It's going to hurt even more if I say I can't be friends with her anymore and then she just kinda just shrugs and says "alright, well goodbye" or something like that instead of showing an ounce of care for me as a friend. Well, you really don't want for her to care for you as a friend, you want her to care for you as a romantic interest. But if she reacts that way, then you have your answer as to her true intentions and you can move on with no doubts. But you don't know what she's gonna say 100% either, so let it play out to completetion. On a side note, if I got an answer like that I'd say something to the effect of "So, you just don't care, you're gonna let go just like that?" and if she came back with more disinterest I'd say "Take care" and discontinue the conversation. She doesn't need to see your pain, it doesn't accomplish anything. It won't make you feel any better and can only cause problems with retribution if you piss her off. What I really want to do, but know it's immature and stupid: - Tell her this week I have other plans (she'll think I'm hanging out with this new girl I've been telling her about lately). - Tell her next week that I am too busy with school. - Then I'll probably have to come clean after that. - And when I do come clean, I will tell her all the stuff I was talking about above and just let my emotions go on her. If I end up yelling a bit, oh well. At least I got it out of my system. Best would be to skip any of the psychological games and come right out with it. So much heartache you'll end up saving yourself. What I know I should probably do: - Tell her I'm only coming over this week very briefly. - When I come over, tell her I simply can't be friends and don't say anything else. - If she wants to say something, fine. Otherwise, I leave. If that happens then fine. But if she asks for some kind of explanation, you're gonna have to get into it. Talk about how you're not interested in being friends with someone who you have feelings for and that you don't just see her as a friend and you don't want to pretend. It's at this point where you have to be very honest with yourself and with her about your true feelings. Can anyone help me with this? I'm trying not to hurt myself too much with this. I know it's the right thing to do at this point to get her out of my life for good. Yet I know it's going to be a painful. Help? There's no easy way to do this. No matter what, it's gonna hurt, but it's the next step. Have this convo with her and another adventure is right around the corner waiting for you. Good luck. Link to comment
Caldus Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 Yeah I guess I should just call her and get it over with. I don't need to be seeing her. The feelings get stronger whenever I see her. What about the buying bras stuff? Should I just forget about talking about that? Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 No, I mean she was just telling you like she would tell a friend. She doesn't know how you feel about her. You can't blame her for this, only your own inexperience. You'll do better next time though. She's not trying to hurt you with any of this. She's been very upfront with you for the most part through all of this. you can't be mad at someone for not beig interested in you as you control your own destiny. This shouldn't be an angry conversation. It should be an explaining conversation, unless she shows complete apathy and then you just want to discontinue the conversation and move on. Link to comment
Caldus Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 Alright then, well the only other thing I am going to say then is how it's hurting me that she drinks with him and all this stuff but doesn't want to do meaningful stuff with me, etc. Link to comment
heloladies21 Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 Well, I wouldn't even be so much concerned about the other guy. He doesn't really impact the situation as you were given the first opportunity. The only thing you should be concerned with is that she doesn't see you romantically. That is the most important obstacle. Link to comment
Caldus Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 Well, I wouldn't even be so much concerned about the other guy. He doesn't really impact the situation as you were given the first opportunity. The only thing you should be concerned with is that she doesn't see you romantically. That is the most important obstacle. Yeah I'll probably just straight up say that and then tell her that's why I can't be friends with her anymore. Link to comment
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