Should i break up with him or should i stay?

[mintzhg]

OK, here it goes:

i am currently in a relationship and engaged. many things make me want to break up, but the thought of how much i'll miss him make me want to stay.

first, he doesnt know when to stop drinking as he drinks way too much, he drinks a slab every 2 days and when he does he acts like an

2. he has stopped gambling now as far as i know anyway, but he gambled 6 weeks of my pay and then he took out a loan (which we are both now paying) which he ended up gambling completely.

3. he got in trouble with the police and then he was all nice to me until of course turned out ok and then he just acted all towards me.

4. He goes out with his mates and turns out days later drunk off his face.

5. he constantly lies, even about stuff that need not be lied about.

6. he is living under my roof, my room and he had the audacity to download porno into MY pc! i hate porno!

7. he is ALWAYS chatting to girls on the internet! it drives me nuts!!

8. he tells me what i can wear and who i can see and when i decide i wanna hang out with my mates, he gets all with me so i have to cancell plans with them.

9. he doesnt exactly act like a guy who actually wants to get married, like happy and actually even think of making plans for it or anything, and the parents dont even know about it (and he did ask me the first time while drunk, the second time in the bathroom as we were getting ready to go out)(he's also 20 and i am 24) and we are each other's first,so i don't know.

10. we work together litterally less than 15 steps away from each other and when we are together he can be so nice, but at night he turns, he's a lot like a jeckyll and hide.

 

NOw i am NOT saying im perfect because i am not. but i do love him and am unsure what to do. i have spoken to him and he just gets mad at me and tells me to . so should i just leave or wait and maybe he'll change his attitude towards me and also learn to respect me?

we both seem very unhappy.

thank you.

[Mr Mister1]

You listed 10 things that are bothering you and they were all pretty big things! I don't just see a red light flashing I see 10 of them!

 

You're talking about marrying this guy, if you're having these issues now do you really think you could stay with him for the rest of your life and have a familiy with him?

 

Can you trust him? Gambling away your money is a pretty worrying thing, what happens if he gambles away your childrens college funds? Or the money you need to buy food?

 

Sounds like he's depending on you for just about everything but treating you horribly!

 

So I'm sorry but no you need to leave this guy and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

At the very least you should tell him that these are problems that he needs to resolve and only if he can resolve them and prove to you that they are all behind him would you consider marrying him.

 

And the above paragraph is being overly generous, I say leave him!

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

Yeah I agree with Mr. Mr. if I were you I'd run and never look back. And you just know that when you dump him all the pleading and promises to change will come. Be resolute, and find someone that will really appreciate and respect you.

[nomoretears4uboo]

I agreed with them! If he is gambling away money, how are you suppose to live together? Specially since now your paying for his mess. Plus, if hes talking to other girls and if you tell him to stop that it bothers you and hes not doing it. Would you really want to be married to someone like that who will be downloading porn on your pc using your pc to talk to those girls and spending your money. And he doesnt even let you go out with your friends? Leave him and find someone who is much better. You may think you will miss him but, you wont miss any of the bad things he's doing. I dont know if you want to have kids in your future but, do you think he seems like someone who will be responsible? or be able to set a good a example for them?

[Northalius]

My jaw is on the floor right now.

 

You need to tell him to get help for his alcoholism, his gambling problem; you need to get away from him, if he's not going to respect you.

 

He's downloading porn? Talking to other girls online?! Lying constantly? Controlling? And more?!

 

I'm sorry, but you deserve more respect than this... A LOT more respect. I know no one is perfect, but I'm sorry, there needs to be a line to be drawn. Just because I know I'm not perfect, doesn't mean I think criminals shouldn't be put in jail. There must be justice. In love, there is justice, and righteous anger.

 

If you love him, then tell him to get help immediately for his problems. If he loves you (and himself), then he'll get on it. The way to wake him up if he doesn't listen, is get out of this relationship. This is just not good.

 

The more you stay with him, the more he'll see he can take advantage of you. The way to fight this, is self-respect! Do not let him steamroll over you.

 

And by what you said, he doesn't seem to care for you, nearly as much as you care for him. Never be in a relationship where your mate doesn't give you, what you give them. It's a two-way street.

 

Go NC until he gets himself together.

[blender]

If you love him, leave him, if you love yourself, leave him, this will only get worse, his drinking will get worse, and you are going to have a life long "patient/child" on your hands.. why oh why are you willing to get married to someone who doesn't even love themselves.. he is not capable of fully respectfully loyally loving you..

 

he's too emotionally ill to do so, why not at least postponed the marriage, and ask him to get some professional help, and if he refuses then lovingly let him know that you can NOT stay with him, unless he gets some help... don't try to save him from himself (only he can do that if he is willing to do so)..

 

by staying with him while he is drinking, or gambling, or unreliable, lying..

 

well in doing so you will lose something so important and that is your sense of self..and your self respect.. ugh.. it's NOT worth it.. please go to therapy yourself and seek an answer as to why it's okay for YOU to feel like you want this man..as he IS, not as you HOPE him to be.. but as HE actually IS..

 

Can you list the admirable qualities in him?

What is it you respect about him?

He's not a good boyfriend, what would make him a good husband?

And most importantly would you leave this guy responsible for a child for an hour let alone a life time of your future children?

 

He needs help, and the only way he may seek it, is if YOU have the courage to leave him with himself so he might SEE himself clearly without you there enabling him.. do you have the love and self respect to leave?

[blender]

P.S. would you answer this ad on a dating site:

 

SWM: Guy who does following looking for loving successful kind woman to marry:

 

1) he doesnt know when to stop drinking as he drinks way too much, he drinks a slab every 2 days and when he does he acts like an a*hole.

 

2. he has stopped gambling now as far as i know anyway, but he gambled 6 weeks of my pay and then he took out a loan (which we are both now paying) which he ended up gambling completely.

 

3. he got in trouble with the police and then he was all nice to me until of course turned out ok and then he just acted all ****ty towards me.

 

4. He goes out with his mates and turns out days later drunk off his face.

 

5. he constantly lies, even about stuff that need not be lied about.

 

6. he is living under my roof, my room and he had the audacity to download porno into MY pc! i hate porno!

 

7. he is ALWAYS chatting to girls on the internet! it drives me nuts!!

 

8. he tells me what i can wear and who i can see and when i decide i wanna hang out with my mates, he gets all sH*tty with me so i have to cancell plans with them.

 

9. he doesnt exactly act like a guy who actually wants to get married, like happy and actually even think of making plans for it or anything, and the parents dont even know about it (and he did ask me the first time while drunk, the second time in the bathroom as we were getting ready to go out)(he's also 20 and i am 24) and we are each other's first,so i don't know.

 

10. we work together litterally less than 15 steps away from each other and when we are together he can be so nice, but at night he turns, he's a lot like a jeckyll and hide.

 

????????????????

[Megami]

I know how important a feeling is, but sometimes we have to think beyond that: think about what is the BEST for you!

 

You say you love him but still, you are very unhappy in this relationship.

 

Only you can make the decision but still think: is this what you want for your life?

[dontknowwhattodo]

RUN...as fast as you can!!!

[Budman]

Ditch him.

 

Not only did he gamble away 6 weeks pay, but A LOAN on top of it, drinks and turns up missing for days, treats you poorly, gets in trouble with the law(the porno thing I don't find that big of an Issue, but its not my computer either), Has a split personality, is very controlling and doesn't place the same "controls" on himself.

 

My question I ask you, would he stay with you, if you did that? Would he even help you pay back anything?

[mintzhg]

hi all, thank you so much fo your help, unfortunately he got to dump me before i even could. he dumpedme while we were working, then we got home as we live together more or less seemed to be ok and then made it official after i cooked and all. bloody hell could i be more of an idiot? especially wanting him to love me like i love him. he dumps me and just goes and plays playstation. wow i can tell he's really heartbroken. i just wish i'd never met him. i hate him so much right now becuase i wish he was as heartbroken as i was, i wish he would at least show he gave a damn, but all he's doing is just drinking and having fun. now, how do i avoid him at work seeing s we work together? part of me wishes he howed some kind of emotion or at least to pretend he's hurt, but after all all i can see or at least wht he is showing is just how much he trully didnt give a damn in the fist place....that's how i feel at the moment. I should have known better when we first got together, but when he said he would change, try arder all of that and then proposed i thought i was in heaven, now i just feellke im in hell. any tipson how to get over him very quickly would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you once again and thank you for all the support and the kind words, it means a lot to know there is people like you out there who are very selfless and caring.

Thank you

- Aminta

[Kalika]

oh honey.. it's awesome he dumped you, go out and have a party!! you got away from a guy that sounds like one of the worst i've ever heard of

[Mr Mister1]

Well he doesn't deserve you and now if he goes off and messes himself up even more, as you continue to move forward, he can regret the fact that he left you!

 

Does that mean he'll be moving out of your house?

[Randomperson]

Marry this man and enjoy a life of servitude in a trailer park, with no freedom, no voice, and no happiness.

 

Those problems are too dramatic for a soap opera, and yet you're unsure whether to leave him or not. I think you need to stop allowing yourself to be victimized and GTFO.

[Randomperson]

Just read the thread to completion--I should have done that earlier.

 

Aminta, you need to take this opportunity to analyze what is wrong with your taste in men before you jump in a relationship with another loser.

[Momene]

By dumping you, he's solved the problem for you, even though it hurts. You no longer need to make a decision about it any more. For his sake, I hope he stops drinking but that is now his problem and that of anyone else who will take him on.

 

For you, it should be a relief. You WILL get over it and you will meet someone more deserving.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Kalika]

... and please, PLEASE don't take him back ...

 

honestly hun, I am not saying this to be harsh but he sounds awful. Maybe you should try to get some counseling to figure out why it is you would put up with a guy that would do even HALF of the things on that list you mentioned..

 

I'm just saying that because I wouldn't want to see you go back to him, or repeat the mistake with another one just like him.

[mintzhg]

Hi all, i just want to say thank you for your encouragement and support and would like to let you know i'm doing this 30 day challenge of NC even though we work less than 15 feet from each other, i will do the NC challenge which i would only break if it's work related, other than that i will try to make you all proud and make myself proud by having NC with him at all.

 

-Aminta