Please help me ..... please ...

[proudtabby]

I recently (5 days ago) broke up with my boyfriend of one year basically. We have had lots of breakups during that time .... mostly my doing ... and I always returned. Some of them involved how he treated me .... while others were because of infidelity on his part .... and a few involved my fear of getting close to him and becoming vulnerable again. I believe he really is a good man .... deep down .... but the cheating and lying part of him gave me 'cause for pause' (even though I admit I have insecurities too and don't always act on them in the most healthy way).

 

I KNOW he loves me .... and I know he wanted a life with me .... a long life, but our complexities got the best of us. I found out he went through my computer the other day (for the second time.... after going through my phone, my address book and day planner, and even opening my personal mail in the past) ... he found really nothing in it (though he tried to make issues of some things; however, I think he was just trying to deflect some of his infidelities and indiscretions upon me) .... and I broke up with him, yet again.

 

He has e-mailed me .... texted me .... and left several voice messages over the past couple of days .... begging again for forgiveness and expressing a desire to work work it out. We even had a counseling session scheduled .... that I did not go to, as I felt he had crossed a 'trust' line once too many times and we were done, finished, through.

 

Here it is .... Friday night .... and I miss him so much. I think ultimately in my heart, I know it would never work for us. Too much baggage .... too much destructive behavior .... too many ghosts ..... we just screwed it all up royally with our individual insecurities. He still believes we can salvage this .... and now I am unsure .... after being so sure the last few days. I am scared .... I am crying .... and I admit, I miss him so very much.

 

What should I do? Maintain the NC .... or reach out? I am so damn confused .....

 

Please ..... help.

[Beec]

Maintain the NC.

 

When the realtionship gets screwed up, the only way it is ever goignt to work is if you both back up and retrace many steps, essentially begin again, and take your time getting back into it.

 

With you being in the emotional state you are, you cannot take your time. So, NC it should be, until you really get control over your emotions and can see him and not let him play on them. In order for tht to work, you need some time living without the emotional support he gave you, you need time on your own and to relearn that that is OK.

[ILovePasta]

Hey Tabby,

 

I think only you yourself can answer the question of 'what am I suppose to do?'.

 

He is jealous and insecure, NOT because he doesn't trust you, but rather he doesn't trust himself. It's basically known that a person who stirs up issues of infidelity with someone for no reason is because they themselves are guilty of it.

 

You said that 'you know it would never work...'. Well, if you believed that, why are you even asking what to do. It seems that you know what to do, but you're afraid of doing it.

 

I've read that about 3% of relationships that go around for a second time actually work... 3%. He sounds like someone you could do without. If he loved you as he says he does, why cheat? Why hurt you? Why make you cry?

 

Think about things when you're not so emotionally distressed. Meaning, when we are going through breakups, often times we don't see things as we normally would. We make quick and irrational choices that boggle the minds of our friends and family... trust me, I've gone through it.

 

Keep NC and really reflect back on your relationship. Was it really that great? Maybe then you'll be able to find the answers that you're looking for.

 

Best of luck

ILP

[meantime]

Hi, I feel your pain. You could be describing my last relationship it went on like that for three years. I was totally faithful. He claims he was but I would be lying to myself if I believed that. You too can have the sadistic pleasure of continuing on like this or you can save yourself more heartache and continue NC.

 

I know how hard it is. We have been apart for a little while now and I am still here on these forums writing to you instead of cutting my hands off in an effort not to call that guy up!

 

Take SuperDave's challenge it was in today's post. It is the only way to get yourself better. Having said that I know you could be back with him by Sunday and we all understand. The heart is amazing. It is so difficult to aim your love toward yourself where it will really change your life isn't it?

 

Write anytime I promise I (we) will always be here to offer encouragement if you decide to do NC and support if it is just something you simply can not do right now. Be well.

[Northalius]

I KNOW he loves me

 

Hate to be blunt, but... no, you don't know he loves you.

 

As I said in my other response to your most recent post: Actions speak louder than words! Look at his actions! He has cheated and lied to you! In these things love is not made!

 

So, again, stop fooling yourself into thinking he loves you, when he doesn't! Whatever he did, was probably just acting, and not meant truly from the heart. Sorry, those that love you, do not cheat on you!

[ILovePasta]

Hate to be blunt, but... no, you don't know he loves you.

 

As I said in my other response to your most recent post: Actions speak louder than words! Look at his actions! He has cheated and lied to you! In these things love is not made!

 

So, again, stop fooling yourself into thinking he loves you, when he doesn't! Whatever he did, was probably just acting, and not meant truly from the heart. Sorry, those that love you, do not cheat on you!

 

Gotta agree here.

 

Of course he loves you... we all cheat on the people we love.