Big Sigh! Why do exs come back to put u back a step?

[Nick_t]

Hi guys,

 

My ex and I haven't really spoken for a good 6 weeks, we have been broken up for 5 months. Last time we spoke was before Xmas, we bumped into eachother and briefly had a chat and she mentioned she didn't like the fact we hadn't had a good chat for a while. I left to go to NYC and she went to her Dad's wedding in Holland. While she was away I gave her best mate and housemate a Xmas card to put on her bed. When I was in NY I got a text saying "Hey! R U Having fun? Thanks for my card v sweet of u sorry didn't get a chance to give u yours due to Holland etc.". I wasn't expecting one so I wasn't upset. I replied "Having the best time ever. Hope u liked the pressie in the e-mail too". She replied saying she had not got the e-mail, so I simply text back "ah no worries it was just an e-card for a mag subscription for 'your horse'. It said have a happy xmas and i hope 2007 brings u everything u wish for and deserve. hope u like it." She replied "ah thank u but u didn't need to do that glad ur having fun say hi to the boys for u". And that was it till Xmas day.

 

The NC before that had done me the world of good so these texts really didn't do much. On Xmas day she sent a text saying "Happy Christmas. Hope u have a lovely day xxx" but I didn't reply, well I had sent a card. Then nothing again until yesterday. I thought about her a bit on xmas day but I had so much fun over the hols I didn't really think of her at all, didn't want to contact, and haven't really felt like making contact in the last 6 weeks.

 

I feel like I am moving on, but deep down I still miss her now and again.

 

So yesterday I was feeling really good even though I was going back to work and I look on my facebook page and she has left a message about a music gig I went to in my hometown where she use to live asking if it was good and how she was very jealous. She also left a comment on a photo I took in NYC.

 

I'm not reading this but I really don't understand her words and actions?? And why she makes contact everytime in a while. I left it a day to decide whether I should reply and I eneded up replying just saying that it was brilliant in a polite funny way rather than a rub your nose in it way.

 

But now I feel a little down that I have replied because I'm thinking about her now, and why she's even made a comment.

 

I work at the Uni she works at so she comes back on Monday and I will probably bump into her next week, hence the reson I replied, so I avoid her thinking i'm ignoring her.

 

I've just let off a big sigh because she has made me wonder again what she is thinking. By saying she didn't like the fact we didn't talk, and texting me when I'm on Holiday, now writing a message on my wall.

 

Is she just curious or do u think she's starting to miss me. I am feeling good about myself but why do exs always come back to put u back a step??

[brando]

The only person putting you back a step is yourself not your ex.

[Nick_t]

Fairplay

 

Not saying she is putting me back but the sole fact she contacted me, where we hadn't spoken for ages, made me think and reply, and put me in the position to put myself back a step.

 

It always seems to happen

[brando]

well maybe she wants some friendship between you two, not sure. Their is nothing wrong with x's being friends or friendly. I guess both parties have to want it though. You seem to be doing alright. It may be natural to feel youve falle back from the healing process, esp after this experience.

 

Hang in their, the road gets much easier as we travel further down it.

 

be well,

brando

[chai714]

Good words, Brando. I agree with him. I also understand how difficult it can be to fully let go of someone you love and desire to be with. The internal struggle can be amazing. Good luck and stay strong.

[Nick_t]

Thanks Brando,

 

Maybe she does maybe she doesn't, it shouldn't really matter really, as you agree. It is natural I agree to feel like i've had a setback but I will feel better tomorrow.

 

The difficult thing I really want to be friends with her, but feel my feelings are still too strong for this to happen, so I feel i'm stuck in a difficult position when something like this arrises - I want to do the friendly thing and reply but then again feel if I don't will it make things more awkward when i see her around Uni. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, but at the moment I need to forget why she is contacting and carry on as usual - if she wants to make contact she can, but I won't as I have been doing.

 

Hope u are well

[Wimpy]

If she broke up with you then I'd say she does this because it makes her feel better about the break-up. "I broke up with him but we're still friends".

 

Depening on the circumstances surrounding the breakup would determine whether or not friendship is on the cards.

 

For me personally it wasn't although I know that's what my ex wanted. Why would I want that? It wasn't going to help me get over the break-up and I certainly didn't want to do anything to salve his conscience (assuming he has one!) after the manner in which he chose to end things.

 

Personally, I'd say she does it because you allow her to. Bumping into her where you work and being polite, civil but brief is one thing. Replying to text messages or other messages is a choice.

 

At the end of the day only you can decide whether or not you want to do that.

[Nick_t]

She did break up with me, but before the 6 weeks were we haven't really spoken we were gettin on so well, then she flipped because she felt we we hanging out way too much and since then i've decided to leave it and move on.

 

I agree with what ur saying, she does do it because I allow her too I suppose. But I felt i did my best not to, by not contacting her, by keeping it very brief when i have seen her or even the last time we chatted.

 

Suppose that is why I am sighing because i kno the truth is that it is up to me to make that choice and I am stuck on what to do

 

Little messages or phrases confuse me especially when i feel like i'm steadily moving on

[brando]

nick t

I will not try to convince you or anyone that this is an easy thing to go through. I do not know why x's or exe's try to contact or remain in contact, not generally speaking. And having to see her around uni right now must be difficult.

 

All i can add to try and help is focus on you. Do the things that make you happy, and continue living your life as if nothing has changed. You lost a gf, not your life. The happier you continue to make yourself the sooner you will fel better and perhaps one day maintain a friendship with her, if you do choose so. Sometiems we reach this place of being healed and friendship with an ex seems less desirable, but at least from this healed viewpoint we can make this decison based on what we want and not becaise we think we have to hate them over a break up.

 

Enough said...

be well

brando

[Nick_t]

Well said Brando - I totally agree and for the last month - 6 weeks I have focused on myself and it feels good. Thats when she got in touch, and after I replied keeping it short and sweet she got in touch again saying we must catch up. And when I logged into my messenger over the weekend she initiated a convosation straight away and invited me over for a cuppa, but not to worry if I didn't want one. I ended up popping over and had a good laugh and chat with her and her house mate, it was nice but left in a very cool manner. Then yesterday she saw me on campus and walked past and poked me to say hi, we talked for a bit and then went our separate ways. But I'm am setting myself straight - I am not going to be someone that chases a friendship. I made that mistake before and she flipped. So I'm going to continue living my life how I have been. Yes seeing her after a while was nice and did make me think but I need to stay strong. It was obvious as well that she was pleased to see me and we connected once again but hey life goes on. Whenever I feel a little down I have to just take it on the chin like everyone else and stay strong.

 

I am no longer going to try and even start thinking what she is thinking (or try not to) because it is not worth my time and effort. I have shown her I am enjoying my life and she made contact. I will also show her that I no longer need to get in touch with her, I am my own person, if she wants to see me she knows where I am. In the last 5 months I have done numerous things to show her my feelings, I can't be anymore obvious, and at the same time she no longer needs to be reminded. I love her to bits still but I'm not letting that hold me back. And for her I know deep down she still loves me as she has feelings, but who wouldn't after a long time together, but we are going our separate ways and if its meant to be it will.

 

Just need to stayy strong and make no contact, because last time I did, it became a bit too much for her and we stopped speaking. We are friends but I want her to make the effort as I already have, and if she doesn't then so be it, I'll move on.

 

Thanks everyone x

[amour est toujours]

I must say that I find this thread to be quite comforting. I'm going through a very similar situation and to read the suggestions and posts really makes me feel a lot better knowing that it's not just me who has issues with an Ex. I understand what it's like to want to be kind and friendly by responding to messages but I still haven't figured out exactly what the best course of actions is. Good luck, I think you're doing a great job so far and it makes me realize that there is in fact hope for us.

[Nick_t]

Keep going Amour - update me on your situations...

 

My ex has started part time work again in my work place. She worked here over the summer when we were going out then after the break up she said it was only fair that she left. Then the job became available again and I suggested to her she took it. She was very grateful. It was her first day yesterday and I took her a cup of tea in the morning. She then e-mailed to thank me and to say it was good to be back - we continued to e-mail eachother all morning joking around, and she asked me to cover reception for her whilst she went to the loo. When she came back she sent me another e-mail saying along the lines "once again my saviour in need...". She finished at lunch, and that was it.

 

But I stopped myself continuing to contact her in the afternoon when she wasn't working and again deciding not to contact her unless she wants to contact me. I need to do this to keep my strength and my own life together. Because after a long time of not chatting we are getting on really well again but I'm slightly down today because this showed me again how much fun we have but little bits here and there doesn't really satisfy my need for having them all the time which we use to. I miss that, want to tell her that but know in my heart and using my head that I need to continue being strong moving on and let her miss me.

 

I need to be sensible and let the friendship grow first, and let her be in charge of how it grows, and in the mean time keep going living my own life.

 

But I do miss her - once agin big sigh!!!!!

[ZoeyDebra]

I had an ex recently contacted me after years of trying to avoiding me where I was the one doing all the chasing. It was strange that he would want to contact me after all these years.

 

He found one of my old pictures in his apartment and decided to look for me through one of those "renunion" websites. I emailed him instead of calling him. I kept it brief but I found it quite creepy that you would want to write me and talk to me after giving me the heave ho years ago and not wanting to have anything to do with me while dating your new girlfriend.

 

I made the decision to inform him that the past should stay the past and that I wished him well. That is how I ended that little dilemma.

 

It was interesting though , and it boggles the mind of why they come back in your life when you at least think about it.

[amour est toujours]

this was my post from july with some revisions to update it:

 

i've been friends with this guy since we were 13 and 15 and we were always close but rarely hung out that much... i really enjoyed our relationship because i could always go to him whenever i wanted to get away from my normal life and friends. he is 2 years younger than i am yet we've always connected on a deeper level than i have with most of my friends.

(he's 18 and i'm 20 now)

 

the summer before last, he apparently started to develop 'feelings' for me. i could kind of tell but it never really caused any problems within our relationship and i had always liked him in that sense a little bit too but we never really talked about it because i guess we thought it would make things strange.

 

then i went to college. while i was there, i met tons of great people... nice guys and everything, yet i still continued to keep in contact with this friend and we would talk on the phone or online for hours and just have amazing conversations that we never did before. usually when i was home, like i said, we didn't really hang out that much so it felt like it was kind of strange that he wanted to see me so often on breaks and things.

 

i came home for spring break and we hung out a lot and had a lot of fun and then he finally confessed his feelings for me. at this time, i had just been getting over losing my roommate and having some issues at school, so it kind of caught me by surprise. the way that he spoke about me freaked me out because of our history together and because of simply how no one had ever said anything like that to me before. i told him that i thought i liked him but i wasn't sure if i was ready to date or start a relationship with him or anything. he told me i could have as much time as i needed and that it wasn't a problem. he said that he couldn't see how he could ever stop liking me or having feelings for me so it wouldn't be an issue.

 

i was most concerned about the fact that i wasn't ready to start a long distance relationship (i go to school about 45 minutes from home but it's still not in the same town...) and he said that wouldn't be an issue and he could come visit...blah blah but it was still something that i was unsure of because i hadn't been in a serious relationship...ever so i was very hesitant to ruin such a great friendship or even put it into jeopardy by getting a romantic relationship involved. he said he wasn't concerned about it and assured me that it would be fine.

 

then a month or so went by and he came to visit me a few times and i was still 'thinking about it'. the last time he came to visit me, i had made up my mind but i couldn't find the way to tell him when he was there because i felt like he already knew somehow. i just don't know what he wanted from me.

 

so then i talked to him finally about a week after that visit and i told him that i was ready. i proceeded to tell him the things i had been thinking about because i know if i were in his position, i would be questioning things and wondering why it took so long. so i was completely honest and i think he might have taken offense to it. i had the best intentions but i think he took it the wrong way... i kind of regret doing that.

 

then may came around which is when school was over for me. i came home and he was still in school (he was a senior in high school) but i still hung out with him a few times which was different since we had never really hung out together while in town. we just talked and talked and talked about everything ever. so it was a little different to spend time together while i was back at home. yet somehow, he didn't seem as interested in me anymore and he was being very aloof whenever i would see him. i made several efforts to hang out and spend time together but he never really seemed intrigued. soon after this, i went to the beach with some of my friends and he was back here at home. when i came home he wasn't talking to me so i messaged him online and told him that i wanted to know what was going on. he then asked me if i knew that he went to the prom. i had a feeling that that had happened, but i wasn't upset because it's PROM...go have fun. but he then went on to tell me that he had gotten involved with someone else.

 

now let me give you the background on the 'someone else'. he told me about her on several occasions. he offered the information to me...i suppose it was to get my reaction/have me be jealous, but i'm not sure? he told me that he 'had cut things off completely with this girl' and that they were not compatible at all and that she never liked to talk or do fun things. he basically talked her down to me when i wasn't really interested that much in whoever he had previously been seeing.

 

then he dated her...for 6 months.

 

the worst part of all is that he was so 'in love' with me that he decided to go to the same college as me. i didn't encourage it at all, but he still is going to be attending it this fall. now the kicker is this: his girlfriend attends as well. this is because she was so obsessed with him that she decided to plan her future based on him even though he had rejected her several times before things with me didn't work out.

 

(worst semester of my life...saw him everyday with her and he lives in the building right accross from me, had a class right nextdoor to mine and we had many awkward encounters)

 

we talked once in october... i pretty much yelled at him, a lot, and by the end of the discussion it felt like it was march again and we were two peas in a pod.

 

then we didn't talk

 

he'd message me here and there

 

'i want to be friends again'

 

'are we talking?? i just want to know where we stand'

 

and it somehow is always at the times when things are going great with my current boyfriend of 4 months.

 

the most recent message said 'do you think about me a lot? cuz i think about you a lot.'

 

how do you respond to that?

and his best friend lives near me so i see his car all the time at home, i see him at school and everywhere... i can't get away from him!

 

i wanted to be friends, but now that he and his girlfriend broke up, i feel like he's crawling back to me...

 

i do not know what to doooooo

i'm going crazy!

 

sorry this is so long!!!

[Nick_t]

What has worked for me is this:

 

However hard it has been I've moved in my own direction trying to live life to fullest, and dealing with what ever hits me, good or bad, as best as I can. I still love my ex but i'm not putting her first for anything, i'm doing my very best to move on based on my circumbstances.

 

I now that have done that, I gave her space and in the mean time got on with my life, she is more comfortable with the relationship we have now - which is to be able to laugh with each other.

 

And the funny thing is she is giving the most mixed signals ever, but as this is happening, i'm taking a big step back and continuing to lead my life and not let her dictate it. I'm not initiating contact, i'm letting her do that all by herslf.

 

In a matter of a week, she e-mails me little things at work, she is joking with me, texting me (but all small things) - so absolutely nothing to read into. But on Friday she worked a half day, we had a laugh in the morning, and then in the afternoon she found me and asked me to help her with her assignment, seeing 'i'm good at breaking it down'! We saw each other out on friday night, once again laughed and laughed. Even her best mate said to me its so good seeing you really happy again! My ex said i was to let her know how i got on in my footy game yesterday, but she ended up texting to ask, and even writting on my myspace page, making a few jokes and saying to let her kno and she hopes we smash them!!!

 

Once again I replied, in a friendly manner, to the text and the message. I got another text today saying her phoned died so she couldn't text back yesterday (i didn't get a message back but because of this I didn't go chasing, i felt comfortable enough to leave it) and asked what i was up to?

 

I replied "just played footy again, having some lunch and then heading back to Uni. Glad u think work is going ok. Do u still need any help? xx"

 

She just text "Yes please! Gosh you really are a social butterfly aren't u. x"

 

But thats it, i'll leave it till I get back, let her know i'm around and i'll prob go and help.

 

Why this has helped me is because i feel in control - if she wants to get in touch she can and I will reply if needed. I want to be a friend, but i'm not going out of my way to get it. I'm not making contact, i'm just showing her how happy i am and that i'm moving on. And since we have been back, not spoken for 2 months, she has seen this and she is making more of an effort to get in touch.

 

BUT this does not mean AT ALL that she wants to get back together, i'm just taking one day at a time, playing it very cool and trying to enjoy life. Sure I do have down days but the good ones outnumber the bad. Life is too short. Good luck with it all, do what you think is best but have a good time in the process!!

[Nick_t]

Just a quick update...

 

I went round and helped her with her work - and had a quality time!!

 

Didn't speak on Monday and the she worked all day today. We had an amazing day laughing and joking. In the morning I bought her some grapes and took her a plaster for a blister, plus covered reception when she handed some work in. When I got back she had sent me this e-mail...

 

"Will you ever let me down? I doubt it!!! You’ve been an absolute legend this week, I mean it! Thank you for my lovely and thoughtful xmas presents (tshirt and mag) and thank you for helping me with my work! I’m lucky I still have you in my life… xxx"

 

I simply replied well you still hold a special place close to my heart so ofcourse i won't let you down, and yes Legend is my middle name.

 

And we continued to laugh and e-mail all day, she even asked if we could have lunch together and we did. We left work together and said goodbye, and thats it. The good thing is I don't feel like i need to contact her again or need to make the effort to contact her. I could easily leave it until I see he again.

 

But it's nice we are getting on. Months ago I would have read into this thinking she wanted to get back, but now I just see it as she wants to be friends.

 

However what do peple think of her e-mail?