I have no idea how to handle this.

[kmob181]

I am a 26 year old guy. I have been with a fair number of girls but am bored by most of them. I recognize this is a problem. I have also endeavored to make sure that in any relationship I become involved in that I don't fall for the other girl as hard as she falls for me. I recognized that this was also a problem.

 

So here is the story. It is long but if any of you can offer any help I would really appreciate it. In November 2005 a new girl started in my office. We both work in foreign policy. She was stunning. I knew I was in trouble immediately. We started talking and running together. I liked her more the more I saw her. After a few weeks, I found out she was actually engaged. I was disappointed but thought at least we could be friends. A couple of months go by. We talk everyday. Sometimes she talks about her relationship, well tells me its going badly...except near the end when she says they fixed everything. We work out together often. Finally, we hang out outside of work for the first time. She comes with two of her friends, and I show up with two of mine. In an hour we are making out. She jumps on me during the cab ride home but makes me promise that we can't have sex. She spends the night anyway and lies to her boyfriend/fiance of 5 years. She tells me she's had a huge crush on me for awhile. We sleep together two days later. Her boyfriend finds out. She breaks up with him and moves out. We keep things loose for a little but then I ask her to try a relationship with me [stupid, this girl was with her boyfriend for 5 years and he was the only guy she was with.] It works for a month. Then she tells me she can't be in a relationship.

 

I am unhappy but tell her I understand. One day later she confronts me and tells me she made a terrible mistake and that she wants to be my girlfriend. I ask her if she's sure. She is. She gives me a letter detailing all the reasons we should be together and telling me she thinks she's already falling in love with me. We have occasional fights but are happy. The fights are mostly about her wanting a greater emotional commitment and me not reciprocating. That being said, I do not get along with most of her friends. They are of the type that compensate for their own insecurities by being pretentious. They are basically 18 year olds playing mid-twenties.

 

We start applying to grad school. It is a very difficult process on both of us but whereas she was able to do a lot of grad school work over the summer I was bogged down at my job. As we head into the fall, we pretty much stop going out. We study and when she wants to go out I cannot. I stop doing the things that made me different from her boyfriend; mainly working out together, taking her to dance, partying, etc. I moved home for a few months because I thought I was going abroad. She convinces me not to go. I was happy but I think it was becoming too stale for her and asking her to spend nights at my parents house was too much. Nonetheless, the way she looked at me told me she really loved me. The tough part was temporary I told her. I told her in late September I am not afraid of being the one who likes her more. In mid-November I finally tell her I love her. She tells me she loves me too and "has for months."

 

Four days later she starts acting weird. Not responding to texts, distant. I leave for a conference in Boston the weekend before Thanksgiving and she texts to ask when I'm taking the GRE, then calls to tell me its not a good idea for me to come to her parents place for Thanksgiving anymore. I ask her what's going on. She says she'll talk to me about it after I take the GRE [in about a week]. I tell her this is nonsense and force her into a conversation. She wants to be single. She thinks its important for her growth and she can't give to a relationship at this point in her life. The whole conversation takes 15 minutes. She call back 5 minutes later. Leaves a message saying she's sorry. I don't talk to her for two days. She approaches me at work on Tuesday and asks how my meetings went. I don't look at her but respond.

 

A day later I ask her what she wants. She says its up to me. I tell her our physical relationship and friendship are over. Three days later I regret it and start texting and writing her. Everytime I write her she pushes the physical and emotional distance between us. Now she tells me she did love me but wants to date and meet new people because she has never had the opportunity to do that before. She tells me I can talk to her if I need anything else. I write her a long letter about love and honesty. She stops talking to me. I find out she's already dating other guys [and probably sleeping with them] a little over a month after I told her I love her. Her desk is literally 15 feet away from mine. I ask her if we can have a normal office relationship. She says she cant be friends "with someone she had a great intimacy with" and needs to detach meaning ignoring me.

 

Everyone at the office knows that she dumped me and everyone knows she's dating around because she feels the need to publicize it. She is moving to become best friends with all the guys there [even though at least 2 of them just want to sleep with her] and makes me feel uncomfortable by talking loudly about her personal life [not often but enough] and completely ignoring me except for a "hi" in the hallway while being obvious about talking to everyone else. I am losing it. I stopped writing her because she downgrades our relationship everytime I do. It was now "a mistake" that was her fault because she was insecure. Yet she won't talk to me. I don't eat or sleep. I can't focus on work and dread going to the office. I am bombarded by thoughts of her and other guys, her coldness and my own emptiness. I can't remember what else made me happy. It has been six weeks and my friends are tired of hearing about it. My work and relationship with my parents and friends are suffering. I never even got to say goodbye. I have to see her everyday for the next 6 months and I have no idea what to do. And the sick part is that depite her emotional dishonesty, her cowardice, her poor choice in friends, and her rapidly moving onto other conquests [granted I was only the second guy she was with so this is somewhat understandable], and recognizing that although she cared about me I was probably a rebound, I still love her and I still want her back. At the least I want to say goodbye. She said I was the first person she truly loved [her fiance was more of her best friend]. I believed her. We were together 7 months. Not a lot of time but enough where I thought she would be the last girls I was with. I don't want revenge, I don't want other girls, I just want her. Or at least one more night to say goodbye. Please help. Apologies for the length of this.

[elithepi]

Know how you feel.

Relax and forget this girl.

Open your eyes and look.

She left her fiance' of 5 years to be with you.

She left you to be with someone else.

 

 

First of all, I would be very suspect of her readily cutting it off with her fiance'.

Think about what he's going through.

Now you're going through it with LESS emotional investment than he.

You are lucky! You got out in time.

 

Secondly, there is a pattern. She's free now and she's going to do what she wants now that she's broken it with her fiance.

 

I know you are bummed and hurting but this is about her.

You can't stop her and she's getting off on flaunting it in front of you.

 

Best thing to do is see her for who she is. You work with her and this is torturing you.

 

You are better than that.

People like that have yet to develop any class. Sorry.

 

Hell, I got drunk and screamed at a table of girls on new years...what do I know about class.

 

But the way you have described this person, I would just see them for who they are and carry on. Don't let it bug you.

I know, "But it does."

You can do it, you are better than that.

[kmob181]

But of all the destructive tendencies I have right now, the worst is probably hope. In her I see myself at 21. And despite the jealously, the depp hurt and everything I still have a flicker of hope that we will end up together. How do I quash that?

 

Also, are you saying that her behavior now is purely about her or not? If she's moved on, why can't she talk to me? If she loves me, why move on so quickly? Her behavior is bewildering.

[elithepi]

Everyone at the office knows that she dumped me and everyone knows she's dating around because she feels the need to publicize it. She is moving to become best friends with all the guys there [even though at least 2 of them just want to sleep with her] and makes me feel uncomfortable by talking loudly about her personal life [not often but enough] and completely ignoring me except for a "hi" in the hallway while being obvious about talking to everyone else.

 

Uncool.

Her behaviour , to me, is despicable. No offense.

 

Very uncool and unappealing.

 

You workout and run and have a decent job. You deserve better. Don't allow her to mess with your mind.

 

Carry on and find a better girl.

 

I hope I'm not sounding cold. It's just that I've seen and experienced the same kind of situation and I don't want you to fret this.

 

Focus on the job. She is just a distraction that is getting in the way.

See her for who she is.

A girl that dumps a fiance' of 5 years after meeting someone else that is "NEW". Then she meets someone else that is "NEW" and it goes on. She's young and doing her thing. Since she's broken it with fiance' she feels empowered, probably for the first time in her life and you can't count on her right now.

 

Wisen up, brother.

 

I know she's all that, but not really. Think about fiance' and what he's going through. What if that was you with her for 5 years. Uncool.

[finewhine]

Take consolation in the fact that you loved someone.

 

You admitted you were bored by most of the girls you've dated. You hadn't opened yourself up to anyone before. Here was someone who challenged you because you genuinely cared about her.

 

It might sound hokey, but you discovered you had the capacity to love someone, to be engaged by someone, to care if someone reciprocated your feelings. You weren't above her, you were with her. Humbling, isn't it?

 

So she left! She didn't leave because of something you did, she left because she couldn't be in a relationship. This wasn't your fault. You can't choose who you love.

 

Sadly, you were probably her rebound. Sometimes people jump into a relationship in order to flee another relationship or to escape the hurt that comes when their relationship ends. Is this your fault? Not at all. Does this reflect poorly on you? No.

 

It does reflect poorly on her - she is a jumbled mess, running from her problems and hurting people in her wake. She's like an attractive tornado. This does not mean you were wrong for falling in love with her, but please be aware that you fell in love with a mixed-up person.

 

Now you're stuck looking at her every day. That genuinely sucks. Try to look for her flaws. Don't say hi to her. Think of her like a stick of uranium. She will give you radiation poisoning! Don't look at her!

 

Part of the reason she's acting like she is towards you is because she feels guilty. You owe her nothing.

 

Sorry if my response is a bit loopy; I'm on Nyquil.

[kmob181]

You think I shouldn't talk to her?

 

She was the second girl I loved but the first I was "in love" with. Even after all the hurt I still feel like we should end up together. And that is the most destructive force of all. How do I get rid of hope? Even destructive hope?

 

Also, not saying hi is pretty...immature? Like her. Don't know if I can do that.

[elithepi]

Two ways to give up hope:

 

1. Run to her and tell her everything you feel about her. Get on your hands and knees and beg her to come back. Cry. Let it all out to her. Then she says, "NO."

 

Hope is gone. You've said what you had inside and have spilled your guts infront of her.

 

2: Do nothing, carry on. Save your pride and know that you cannot control this. All you can do is control yourself.

 

Do you want to do No.1?

 

I don't think so. So do no.2. Know that you have no control over her and know that if she wants to be with you like you "still feel like you should end up together." Then....you will be together.

 

But I wouldn't count on it. But that doesn't matter. What matters is you and YOUR future. No one else.

 

You will be in love with another. I've been in love a couple of times and the more you love, the more you learn (and hurt). You are learning, the tough way and yes it hurts and sucks and it drives you nuts sometimes.

 

I'm still learning as well.

 

The fact that you are here sharing your dilemma with us, strangers, looking for honest answers show that you are a very caring person who does not deserve a person who probably isn't thinking of you right now.

[finewhine]

I don't think you should talk to her, no. Absolutely not! Talking to her can only create problems. She doesn't seem to want to talk to you - what good would it do? False hope is the worst. It's deadly. Admit it - every time you talk to her, you hope that she'll tell you she made a mistake and that she wants you back. Ain't gonna happen, so quit talking to her.

 

If you think it's best to say hi, you should say hi. Whatever gets you through the day with your dignity and sanity intact. But your sanity is worth far more than your dignity, so if it makes you insane to say hi to her when she barely responds, don't do it.

 

Of course you still have hope. You love her! To make matters worse, seven months is still the honeymoon phase of a relationship. She cut you off at the peak, dude. That sucks.

 

How to get rid of hope. Hmmm, toughie. Try to find her flaws. Also, do some things to shake up your system. Go out of town for a weekend and get really drunk with some old friends. Do something physically exhausting over and over. Distraction is key.

[kmob181]

Thank you all for your advice and kind words. They have been very helpful. I was dreading going to work today and it really wasn't that bad. She did try to catch my eye a few times. I looked once. Stupid, I know but no big deal. I finally have an ipod and that is excellent for not being distracted by what's around you. I actually ate lunch in the cafeteria. [Yes very high school and no it wasn't sloppy joe day.] We sat at separate tables and instead of being affected by what she was saying I concentrated on having fun with my friends. I was productive and not stressed. I erased her phone number and e-mail.

 

I think the truth is this. There will be ups and downs. I will not deny that I was in love with her and part of me probably still is. I think she is a beautiful, witty, intelligent, funny, scared, immature, emotionally dishonest little girl with weak and emotionally dishonest friends. I hope she is a work in progress. I hope to meet her in a few years and find out she's everything I think she can be. But I'm not going to bank on it and I'm not going to put my life on hold waiting for her. I know it will still hurt and I know there will be bad days. She's made it clear I'm basically dead to her so I'm not going to say hi. She's just not that important.

 

I find that sometimes strangers can be the most honest because they have nothing invested. I do, however have many, many good friends who were tired of me talking about this. I am glad you were all able to step in.

 

Also, I did say goodbye. Someone suggested running through all of the good memories you can think of and saying goodbye to them. I missed a few but got enough. It was good advice.

 

Finally, for general information her fiance started dating someone shortly after she left him. Last I heard they were on a marriage track.

[finewhine]

I'm glad to hear you're doing better! Keep it up!

 

Ugh, her fiance is another confused individual. He doesn't need to get married right now. Must have missed the memo.