I think I just gave her the upper hand on the NC process

[MeLoveHer]

Don't know if you know my story from previous posts, so let me say something again. I dated this girl for 3 wonderful months. I was attracted to her because she was different from other girls: kind, shy, discrete, sweet and lovable. To her, before being in a relationship, she said she had to become best friends with the partner, which happened maybe a little too fast, because of timing issues (she was starting to work and wold be less available for me, so I advanced, in order to get her before she would slip away probably for good).

 

Three months went great, dinners out, get togethers at her place, sweet text messages from her behalf. First 2 months I could see she was really into it! However, in the last month, the cookie began do crumble. She felt confused for not being able to love me as much as she should and she didn't get over it.

 

After breakup, she wanted to be friends, and I agreed, but then I read on this forum the benefits of NC, in the sense of helping the dumpee in healing better than if there were contact and not letting the dumper take the "benefit" of my presense and attention without being commited. She hasn't dated anyone ever since.

 

Since we study in same Uni, it's hard to avoid her, and also she once is a while, contacts me in msn just for a small chat. thereforeeee, I've always been in a partial NC process.

 

Healing has been going as natural, I gradually get over her, not seeing her really helps a lot.

 

Recently, for a series of events, we have seen each other for many times. First it was a subway encounter, then my birthday dinner and now, New Year's party. In all those encounters I noticed the slightest presense of feeling for me, specially jealousy when I were to pay attention to someone else rather than her (this I am sure). Also, I am treating her differently, minimizing her presense and acting differently (before I would melt as soon as I would see her), like a man should do (what I do near otehr girls).

 

I have this friend (girl) who is also good friend's of my ex, and she told me that I was going great on the NC part. She said that at New Year's party, I should try to give her attention to see how she reacts and so I did.

 

Yesterday, we were a lot of time together, had dinner at a friend's place, played some games and went to the disco. It was great stuff, we have a nice time and usually I would look at her and just smile, as she did the same. It's incredible that I can look at her and instantly feel happy, she is so sweet, her voice,everything...err!

 

After party, I was returning home, ready for a 1h car drive. They were asking me to sleep over and then drive home, but I preferred to go and then sleep. She had come with me to our friend's dinner, so I was the one who took her to her place (they live nearby). When we got to her home, I tested her the way she used to test me, asked her "are you going already? the night is still young!" but she was cold / sleppy so she went home. Again she invited me to sleep over (she has a huge house!) but i didn't accept as I noticed she wanted to do me a favor (she didn't want me sleeping in her house that much, i could feel), not like she wanted to "jump on my sack".

 

As i was in the highway, 10 mins after dropping her off, I received a text. She told me to ring her as soon as I got home, to make sure I got home safely (it's usual in her to do this).

 

During the trip, I was constantly thinking about the night and how I miss her. I am sad that the relationship didn't work out, I can be blamed for that, was I put her in a pedestal and was always there for her, never being able to say no to her and make her miss me (I was always taken for granted).

 

When I got home, I felt like texting her, also because she left an empty purse in my car. I got to bed, and I wrote this:

 

"A sun rise, a warm bed, a party night, a good company and a lady's purse... what else could I want more? Kiss"

 

I felt like saying that, given all that has happened. However, I feel bad because I contradicted the purpose of NC, she now knows what I still feel about her and that I still want her back... It is normal for everyone to feel wanted, but I fear it may drive her more away.

 

Of course I want her back, but this time, under my conditions. I am willing to correct my behaviour but I feel like she must change too. If she were to commit herself to the relationship, I would take her back.

 

What should I do? Give me your opinions on this please.

 

Have a nice year everyone!

[Cindersam]

Did she respond to your text?

[Mavis VDSande]

I wouldn't do anything. I wouldn't try to chase it up or explain your actions. I would keep to NC. YOu obviously like her but don't beat yourself up about this or feel bad!! Let her come to you now, either to get her purse back or speak to you.

 

If you try and "cover up your steps" in front of her you'll seem a lot more needy/emotional about her than you are. So the best thing is to move on and carry on working on you.

 

You've done so well - I'm not sure I could act so cool in front of my ex!

[MeLoveHer]

@ Cinder - She didn't get to reply to the text. However, the next day I logged into msn and she instantly messaged me asking if I had a nice trip. I said yes.

 

Then she was going away to sleep, but before that, I asked if she realized about the purse. She said she had noticed, by the message I sent her. The way she wrote it, seemed to indicate that she wasn't indiferent to it

 

@ Mavis - I may seem "cool" when I write, but can always notice certain mistakes in my behaviour when I am next to her, which I would like to correct...

[Cindersam]

I don't think you need to worry about one text pushing her further away just don't keep doing it or it may.

 

It seems to me that she needs some time to figure out what she wants and the best way for her to figure this out is if there is no contact. It is also the BEST thing for you. You mentioned that it helps if you don't see her so I think you know what you need to do.

 

It sounds like you have a lot of mutual friends. THat can make it more difficult. Try not to attend funtions where you know she will be there, at least for a little while.

 

After a while of NC there will be a lot more clarity for both of you.

 

Good luck!

[MeLoveHer]

Update

 

Well, seems that yesterday a friend of ours had a little chat with my ex about me.

 

My friend asked how would she feel knowing that I was moving on, in the sense of not letting the (weak) "link" between us grow smaller.

 

My ex gave her the answer I was thinking she would give. She said that she didn't like me that much at the moment to start over, and that I should move on and not wait for her (cos she is really the "don't know" type, always leaving a door oper for the future).

 

My friend asked also if how would my ex react when she knew I was in a different relationship. She replied that it would make her a little upset / bothered, but for now there is nothing she could do, cos we can't be together at the moment.

 

So now I am backing-off and let it flow. At least I have a definite answer, and not making stuff around my head

 

Too bad I still have to return her purse... I am doing 4 days NC since 1st Jan... will have to break it to schedule a time to give her her purse.

[LittleLion24]

Let your friend give the purse back to her so you don't have to contact her and break NC.

 

Those "don't know" type are better off by themselves until they figure out what it is they want.

 

You never know maybe someday she'll come around but you can't wait around for her. If she does come around, and you're single and still care about her then awesome. But if she never does come around at least you have moved on. There are a million other women out there that know what they want and you'll find her.

[MeLoveHer]

Unfortunately, I have to be the one returning the purse, because even though we barely see eachother, she sees her friends even less! The chat I mentioned was through Msn messenger... she is a working person and doesn't have much time.

 

Here is what I intend to do. She drops her car at our Uni every day so that she can go to work. Tomorrow I will have an exam at my Uni, which is due to finish around the time she gets back from work to drive home. I will simply ask to meet at Uni, since I happen to he there by the time she gets back. Just return and go away.

 

Given the lack of alternatives, it's not such a bad plan, right?

[Mavis VDSande]

Unfortunately, I have to be the one returning the purse, because even though we barely see eachother, she sees her friends even less! The chat I mentioned was through Msn messenger... she is a working person and doesn't have much time.

 

Here is what I intend to do. She drops her car at our Uni every day so that she can go to work. Tomorrow I will have an exam at my Uni, which is due to finish around the time she gets back from work to drive home. I will simply ask to meet at Uni, since I happen to he there by the time she gets back. Just return and go away.

 

Given the lack of alternatives, it's not such a bad plan, right?

 

 

I suppose. But when you see her remember it may be the last impression she has of you so you have the power to make it a positive one (which can leave a lasting and good memory). Smile, act strong and be strong.

 

Good Luck!

[LittleLion24]

I'd save yourself the hassle and just put it in the mail. You sound like you want to give it back to her yourself maybe because you want to see her again? If this is true, then definitely take my advice and drop it in the mail. Seeing her won't make her realize "Oh, I have come to my senses. Let's be together." As romantic of a notion that is the fact is it isn't realistic. Don't put yourself through anymore heartache. You've been through enough already.

[MeLoveHer]

To be honest, I don't want to see her that much. However, she dropped the ball on my court. When we last spoke, she told me to give her the purse when I could, so I must be the one making the effort of returning.

 

Hmm now that I am thinking, maybe I can work something out. I will drop it at the security guard's room at our Uni. They usually serve as mailmen so that we drop something so that someone can go and pick it up.

 

That seems to work fine

[Cindersam]

Good idea! I think that would be best for now.

[MeLoveHer]

Well my friends, I must be the luckiest guy on the face of the Earth. If you don't believe me, read below

 

At Uni, I left the purse for her to pick it up later on, then I went for my exam. When I was finished, as I was going to my car, I almost bumped into her. She was coming to pick her purse, and she was accompanied by a male friend from her office (I have seen them together before, also in a friday night, had a jealousy attack then A couple of minutes later and I would have bumped into them.

 

Then I felt like going to a shopping mall near my place. One of the biggest shopping malls in the city! That thing has like 1000 Stores, 3 floors high, I mean big!

 

Had dinner and after that I was going away. Suddenly I bumped into my ex! Amazing that's what I said to myself...

 

As soon as I opened my mouth, all started well. I asked, joking of course "are you following me?" Guess I could have said another thing but that's what occurred me.

 

I felt happy for not seeing him with her, but then she told me she was with a friend from work. He apparently had to go to his place near the mall and was coming back (argh). She mentioned she was spending the night at her place before going to her parent's place (she goes there every saturday). We had a small chat, then I left.

 

Damn that felt bad

[LittleLion24]

That's too bad that you had to run into your EX but don't feel bad. Those sequence of events were out of your control. It's not like you planned to bump into her. I wouldn't read too much into it. But I will say that if she mentioned that the guy she was with was a friend from work then that is probably true. But then I can't say for sure because I don't know her.

[MeLoveHer]

Update:

 

Well, it seems that I was already guessing what was going to happen. I've been in NC since we met about 20 days ago. Today I saw my ex with this guy I mention above, and they are really dating. Nothing else for me to do but to continue as I was (I am having a nice time, sticking to NC and living my life).

 

As they say... it's hard to compete with coworkers...

[Wandering_Sword]

Sorry for your pain friend. We're here for you.