Were we just too young? (sorry its long)

[Princess Blue]

I've decided I'll be brave and post my situation and any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated...if not it will just be good to vent this off my chest. Sorry this is so long!!!

 

3 weeks ago my b.f of 3.5 years broke up with me and apart from 2 occasions which i think were neccesary i've implemented n.c

 

I should mention that this is the 3rd time he has dumped me I'm 18 and he's 19. We started going out when i had just turned 15 he was/is my first love...my first everything. I come from a stable family where he comes from imo a very disfunctional one (he met his dad for the 1st time at 8, his mums a manipulative alcoholic, both his younger sister and brother have overcome a P addiction and are promiscuous).

 

The first time we broke up was in feb 2005 due to very bad communication on both our parts, we only communicated via text and things got misinterpreted. For the 2 months we were broken up he was sleeping with this girl aliesha on a daily basis, who had a reputation as being promiscuous. I did all the wrong things begged, pleaded, text constantly then the moment i gave up and decided to move on he came back to me begging for forgiveness, that he aleisha had only made him realise how much i meant to him because he felt nothing for her.

 

I forgave him and things went well...apart from the fact i couldn't get her out of my mind and i guess it was bad on my part that i would constantly compare her to myself in my mind..

 

Then in feb 2006, 3 weeks after our first holiday away together he dumped me out of nowhere. That week my uncle had died and i think i put up a wall to protect myself. I cried for my uncle once and for my ex once then that was it, i seemed to have no feelings of sadness..i was numb. 1 week later on valentines day he text me that he wanted to come over and play a board game with me and be friends. I told him he just dumped me he can't expect me to be friends. I never heard from him until 1 month later when i started my first year at uni and it was exciting, i didn't know anyone so it took up all my thoughts. He text me wondering how uni was going, 2 days later i sent a simple ' i've been thinking about it and i forgive you' text. We started texting as friends and 1 month later on my 18 birthday he admitted he was foolish for dumping me and he did it because he started doing weed and it messed with his mind, he made a bad impulsive decision to end things and he had regretted it ever since and had stopped doing it when he saw that damage it had done.

 

This time i was more weary. I loved him but he had dumped me twice. I told him i didn't trust that he wouldn't just dump me again and he'd have to earn my trust and prove to me he was genuine. For the next few months he did just that and i decided i'd give him this last chance.

 

That was in june and up until the beginning of october things were perfect, i was unbelievably happy, my parents commented how changed he was for the better now he was out flatting (in a town 20 mins away) and had seemed to have matured.

 

However in late october he lost his licence for speeding and quit his apprenticeship job in the same week. He moved to my city and stayed with his older brothers..he always seemed down and was snappy at his brothers, he alway seemed tired and some nights couldn't sleep. for the first time we had about 2 arguments over nothing. He seemed to text less and the week he broke up with me i saw him only once because he was sick. The week before he spent almost everyday with me (because he had no job) which was so nice because in the past 3.5 years we saw each other only once or twice a week.

 

The night before he dumped me we talked on the phone. I suggested that he was depressed and he said that yeah he thinks he might just be. I started crying that in the last month his personality has changed and i was scared for him because he's always sad and snappy and hardly contacts me now, he started crying that he was a horrible b.f. I said we'll now we can get through this together.

 

The next day we had a silly argument because he had no money and i wanted to pay for him to see the doctor, but he wouldn't because he already owed my over $600.. he got $100 a week and spent it all the previous weekend on his brothers stag do. A few hours later he dumped me over text saying that alot of things have changed in his life, that i'd be better off without him, that it's gonna take a while to get back on his feet, that i'll find another boy and live happily ever after, that we're 2 different people raised with 2 different beliefs but was glad we both stuck together to give it this one last try. That it has been great and not to hate him coz he's just done what's best for us both.

 

When i tried to ring he text back he doesn't want to think about it, just know that there was no other girl and that i'm free now, and i can't say we didn't try.

He then rung me crying saying not to hate him but he'd been lying to me..he tried P at a party a month ago and got addicted and had it everyday ever since and in the past week had been doing to with a girl keryn (i knew she was a crack hore and told him...) and now he has to move back to his home city where his sister is and she is going to help him get clean and he will start fresh.

 

The first day i rung him only to give him the number of a drug helpline because i care for him still and want him to get clean. I then started n.c. 1 week later he text me that he called the number and he helped to talk but he still felt like poo being off it. That he found a new job and he's not living here anymore so if i gave him my account number he'd wire through the money he owed me asap. I text back a simple ' my account number is....keep staying strong. XXXX has my parcel for you' which was his xmas present which i had no need for.

 

Within 5 minutes he was at my friends house to pick it up. He asked her to go to his brothers wedding which is jan 20th as he can't turn up alone and that he'd been offered sex but he didn't take it coz they were sluts. Last night (new years eve) my friend went to the beach (where he lives) and he apparently randomly turned up at her tent. She told him that i was meant to have gone with her and asked him what he would have done if i did. He said he'd have run coz i would have been lovey dovey and he would have gone awwww and turned to mush.

 

sorry this has been so long. When we broke up he said he still loved me and that one of the reasons is coz he wanted to get married and have kids by 21 and i wanted to travel first. He kept hinting that he had an engagement ring for me but i kept telling him i didn't want to marry young. But now he's gone its all i want. I wish that we had stayed together and beat his addiction together and gotten married because i love him so much.

 

He said maybe in a few years we could be together but not right now because he's got a lot of growing up to do and is not mature enough for me. I'm wondering do you think he just wants to know what its like dating and being single because his brother kept getting on his case that he's only been with 2 girls and that him and his fiance broke up for a few years to sleep around then they got back together and now they getting married.

 

I think that since we were both in a serious relationship since 15 that we were too young to be so serious. I think i need to experience other guys and him other girls...it just hurts to think of him with other girls.

 

6 months down the line should i try be friends, or should i cut him out of my life completely and maybe 2 years down the track see if we can give it another go?

 

Again sorry for writing a book length story

[faydra]

keep checking your account number and balance as he might rip you off. You probably won't ever see the money you loaned him be repaid. You sound like you have your act together so why would you want to be with someone who's immature, has a drug problem, etc etc. He's a loser and he is using you.

 

You are young and starting out in life. Choose your partners wisely and work toward creating a good life for yourself and your future. Don't start out your foundation with baggage (helping him overcome his addiction, loaning him money, being understanding of women in his life). Come on, you know what's going on here or else you're trying to turn him into something he is not. Be realistic and not a fool in love. Then you'll gain a partner who is worthy of you - he is not.

[Princess Blue]

Thanks for your reply, I know I have my whole life in front of me and I guess I have let him get away with too much...I just love him and want to see the good in him triumph over the bad. Maybe it will and maybe it wont..I'm trying to let go and understand that its out of my control he made his choice to leave my life and thats his choice to make.

 

Its just so hard because I know that he is too immature and not right for me right now...but i miss him and i love him. And i end up feeling stupid because i can rationally see that I need to find someone who will treat me better, and yet I miss the good times and feel that maybe in a few years he'll have grown up and if i n.c for that whole time we could start afresh with friendship at least.

 

I am trying so hard to not contact him, and i wont for at least 6 months...i hope. I guess it's easier because he doesn't want to contact me now either but I don't know how I will ignore him when he does contact me. I miss him and want him in my life..eventually

[faydra]

I hope you can be strong enough not to contact him - you sure don't want him to think you're chasing him. Once he thinks you're chasing him he will really lose any interest he may have had in you. You sound so much more mature than he is.

 

Try as hard as you can to keep yourself busy with your interests and friends and save your heartache for the nighttime. It will make it easier.

 

Maybe he will mature after a year or two or even sooner. If the love is still there, for both of you, then who knows....

[Princess Blue]

Well this morning I woke up to a text on my 027 phone from my ex saying 'how was your new year? txt me in the morning and turn on your 021 cos thats the only phone i can text off k. sweet dreams.'

 

Well i'm not going to text back and I'm not even going to turn my 021 on because that was the phone we used to contact each other and its been switched off for the 3 and half weeks i've been doing n.c.

 

Just writing to say i'm proud i didn't text back, he thinks i miss him well now he's going to know i'm gone from his life. Yay me!

[kekep]

way to go princess! i was not as strong as you when my ex contacted me, but i hope i will be in the future. no contact is tough, but it's the only way to make i through the bad times. based on what i've read in your post, i think giving this guy another minute of your time would be selling yourself short. good luck to you!

[Princess Blue]

Thanks

 

Believe me its really really really hard! He's text me twice more saying he needs to ask me a question and can i text back to let him know I'm there. I'm telling you its taking all of my energy and will power not to text back.

 

People say I can do better, but I still love him...writing down my first post made me realise he's taken my trust and love for granted and yet I still want to believe there's good in him thats worthy of my love. However, I've never been with anyone else so how can i compare?

 

He thinks that if he saw me i'd be lovey dovey to get him back, and me not replying must be shocking him!

 

I'm having a good day....tomorrow my resolve might be a whole lot lower. Please God don't let my curiosity ruin my 4 weeks n.c!