he needs space..do i give it to him?

[shelly7]

In a nutshell, my ex just decided tonight, the night we were suppose to exchange Christmas gifts that he needs some space. He says he’s very unhappy in his life both professionally and personally. He’s very depressed. I assured him that I would help him through, but he says he can’t be happy in our relationship, unless he’s happy in his life. He’s asked me to bare with him and give him time. He even went as far to say that one day we will look back on this laugh.

 

I’m sitting here staring at the Christmas presents I bought him (pathetic I know) and I’m wondering what am I doing? I’m tempted to send him an email telling him not to contact me anymore, but does this situation warrant No Contact? Do I just play the supportive friend game? Or do I just try to move on with my life once again. I do love him and I’m stunned and heartbroken at his timing over the holidays. Any advice is much appreciated.

[Starrjenna]

I would set a limit in your mind. For example, I will be supportive of his need for space and time for 1 month. As long as he keeps in touch and doesn't date anyone else. Or whatever you are comfortable with. that way in your mind you have set boundries that you feel OK with. If he is having problems I would be there for him and give him the space he needs. But if you feel he is just doing it for an easy out then be done with him! I don't know the whole situation so only you and your guy know for sure what the deal is. what a crappy time to do it though! When you were supposed to exchange gifts. that is pretty cold hearted. Maybe he didn't want to feel guilty about taking the gifts if he wasn't happy in the relationship. I'm sorry hun that must hurt really bad!

[terk2021]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I would send him an email or a letter letting him know that you are moving forward in life. It's not about giving him an ultimatum. I would simply let him know that he has his space, and I would go no contact. If and when he is ready for a relationship with you, then it's something to talk about...

 

I received this advice 3 months ago after my ex asked for "space". I wish I would have followed it. I have been chasing her, and I am finally starting to wake up...

 

Good luck, and be strong. If it's meant to be, he will be back...

[shelly7]

Starrienna: We were suppose to exchange gifts tonight. The problem is I don't know if he's trying to do a gentle, drawn out break up, I guess I'll never know. Yes, I've asked him to be straight with me, but I'm not sure if he's trying to spare my feelings or if he's just genuinely depressed and needs some alone time to figure things out. How can I be sure?

terk: We are on the same page, as much as it's going to sting I'm thinking that he might need to miss me, before he can realize if I'm the right one for him. Part of me thinks since he's incapable of maintaining our relationship, maybe I should rethink how supportive I should be.

 

Thank you both for taking the time to talk to me.

[blender]

Right now, take him at his word, leave him be, let him have his space, and trust that you might actually both look back on this at some point and think of it as a very precious time.. a time when YOU had the respect for his feelings and let him have space, time, to perhaps DISCOVER his AUTHENTIC FEELINGS for you...

 

If you do not choose to respect his feelings, then you run the risk of permanantly pushing him away... that's not what you want to do, and it's also more mature to simply take him at his word, even if you are scared, sad, emotional... trust him, trust his feelings...

 

Believe me, if you can muster up the courage and maturity to let go right now, then you have a very high chance of being together in a healthy long lasting intimate and trusting way in the future.

 

do not email him tonight, let go just for today, let him have a moment to "think about you" and "wonder" about you, and let him have the "temporary relief" that you actually are "respecting his words, feelings and choices" for right now, that is the MOST attractive thing you can do.. as difficult as it is, do NOT initiate any contact... you will feel better, and HE will really be able to understand and absorb the consequences of his choice to "want some space"...

 

His words were kind, respectful and I believe very truthful of where he is emotionally, it's mature of him to say "I need to get my own life together, find my own inner happiness before we can share these character qualities with each other".... because this is THE TRUTH for all relationships.. so trust it, let go..one day, just for today... breathe, relax, cry, talk to friends, vent on this site, and let him have some space.. one day at a time..

[Starrjenna]

Don't you just wish we had a crystal ball to see exactly what is going on with these guys! I mean why drag it out if you just want to break up. It's going to hurt more the longer he draws it out. What do you feel in your heart. Do you think it is really over. If so I guess go no contact and see what else is out there. I know it is hard to give up on someone you love, so if you really think he is just having a hard time I would do what I said before. Make an ultimatium in your mind and set your own boundries. Don't let him set your boundries for you! Only you decide what is Ok for you! I'm so sorry girl. ouch that must be rough!

[blender]

Well, Starrjenna, we don't for a FACT that he's "dragging this out and wants to break up".. he might not even know what he wants, and the good news is, he had the RESPECT to voice his feelings to her, and to let her know in a kind way that for right now he needs some space..

 

for today, only for today, it's best to try to separate your "feelings" from the "facts", and the feelings are you love him, and the fact is, he's just not feeling "ready" right now... so trust this, and let go with love, cry, grieve, and do NOT contact him... it'll be okay, this is a good thing, if in time the "love is real" then your "no contact" will provide the precious opportunity to discover this.. so do NOT remove this opportunity by contact him right now..

[Starrjenna]

I agree completely. I was just going off what she said and asking her what she thinks.Believe me I am no expert. blender has amazing advice. I thought she said she thought he might be dragging it out! I was just saying to set her own boundries for what she feels!

[shelly7]

Blender thank you for your inciteful advice. He just called and I told him I understand his situation and he asked me to sleep on it tonight, and decide if I would be willing to continue talking.

 

Starrjenna, you're right I do have some doubts. Because I always thought that if you really loves someone than you wouldn't be so ready to let them go. So that is my dilemma.

 

But Blender brings up a good point about respecting his honesty and deciding if maybe giving him this space might be beneficial in the end if this relationship has a chance to work.

 

But for tonight I'm going to sleep on it

thank you all so much!!

[kellbell]

Hey Shelly,

 

I know I am coming in late. I looked back at your past threads and I was wondering is this guy the same person you were posting about back in June-July '06?

[blender]

Shelly, you can be so proud of yourself for telling him you "understand him wanting some space", but be careful now not to let him have his space, yet at the same time "keep talking to you".. that should NOT be an option you offer.. out of respect for his "choice of wanting space", then he must "respect" your wanting to take the time as well, for yourself. and that means he has to live with the consequence of his choice, and that means no contact with you UNLESS it is to make an intentional loving, committed effort to work on it as a couple, if not, then nope, he does not get to have the honor of "talking to you, and having contact' and at the same time have HIS "space" infiltrating your "time and space".. do you know what I mean?

 

Tonight is a perfect example, once you were loving, and respectful enough to say to him you "understood" that he wanted space, well then he said, "you think about it tonight and maybe we can still "talk" and have "contact"..

 

well make sure the next time he calls, (do not initiate any contact tomorrow, let him call you) then you clearly state that you are not interested in being "friendly talkers" at this point, not after all the intamcy you have shared, and that YOU think it's best that if he indeed wants time and space, that he actually respectfully does just that, and if during that time he discovers authentic intentions in wanting to work it out as a couple, then and ONLY THEN may he contact you....

 

remember you are not playing games doing this and choosing "no contact" during this time, nor are you trying to hurt him, you are simply having the maturity and self respect to protect your own heart, keep it precious in your own mind and his mind, and not water it down with casual contact...

 

Believe me it is most attractive poweful and empowering to set some standards and values for your own heart first, by this I mean, you will no longer wish to have casual contact with him while he is also "taking time and space" from your intimate relationship... you already have "friends" and you and he have already shared so much more, it's not time to go "backwards" and "pretend" to be friendly and OKAY with casual contact.. nope, you are worth so much more, and should be to him,

 

but he will not have the OPPORTUNITY to discover this, IF you choose to let him stay in contact as a "friend".. you can not see the forest through the trees, so do not let your emotions allow you to become a TREE in his life, not now, get away.. and

 

instead, set the standards/values for your own heart, and lovingly tell him, as much as it hurts not to talk to him, you want to respect his choice of wanting time and space, and you will also take this opportunity to do the same.. respectfully for yourself.. then hang up the phone and cry, move on, do not wait, go out and be free, explore your own life, get new interests, try new hobbies, take a vacation with friends, take a new class, learn a new language.. and soon enough he will be "wondering, regretting, calling, and if he's serious about "trying again" then HE will have to make the effort to intentionally pursue YOU....

 

Any other approach to his wanting "space' on your part, other than no contact, will only water down what you have already shared, he will then never get the opportunity to honesly miss you, wonder about you, and then make a desicive choice to pursue you again.....

 

and that is what you deserve, a man who is intentionally making a committed effort to make YOU a priority in his life, by choice, by discovery, by a willingness to grow and look at himself and realize that YOU share happiness with him, and that no one can "provide" his happiness...

 

I'm sure he does love you, he just doesn't trust it yet, he needs time to "discover" how deeply he is in love with you... he's been too involved with you for too long, to cleary "see you".. so let go.. and respect his choice of "wanting space" and respect yourself enough to go "no contact" until he makes an intentional clear effort to "try again as a couple"...

[Stitches]

I just found out tonight that my husband of 2 years and partner of 8 years before that as never really been in love with me as much as he led on. He has written out his thought and in a few days plans to reveal them. He came home at 7 to tell me that his feelings he admitted weeks ago about another woman are still there and days ago he said they werent. I went to get advice from a friend and got home at 11:30 planning on discussing that we can get through this, he's been depressed and out of work for 6 months and hasnt had any other relationships so it is normal for one to fall for another, and we can get through it. Then he starts in about the writing he has been working on and i hear a tid bit here and there and start to put one and one together and it is sounding like he has always felt like he cant tell me everything like he feels like he can with her. He doesnt even know her outside of socially and he seems to think she is the actual person he is supposed to be with. That is what i am gathering and at that point i couldnt face him anymmore. I went downstairs and on this computer. I cant talk to family about it. they are already annoyed with the fact he hasnt done work in 6 months and seems so irresponsible. Now it seems like i am all to blame for not fulfilling his needs. She apparently says everything that he believes in and all the same thoughts. I am so much in shock. I thought this was all because i havent been very touchy feely because of my upbringing and just figured that one out a few weeks ago and have been trying to be better about. He always feels that i am putting him down. She doesnt apparently.She always is smiling, i guess i am not. He said he kind of had doubts before he proposed to me but thought to himself, it must be something tiny that will go away. We were together so long that it was bound to work out ok. All this is what i am now thinking and i am so confused. I thought it was this tiny issue that sucked but i could earn his trust back. Now it sounds like he doesnt love me fully and that he wants to end it all. I am speechless. I feel like this came out of nowhere.

I dont know if i should just let him go, i do love him, but if he goes everything in our life will change.

-stitches

[blender]

Dear Stitches, you sound so sad and lost, I want to respond here, hope it is helpful.

 

Remember something VERY IMPORTANT, and this is a FACT:

 

YOU are not responsible for how HE feels about HIMSELF. And neither is this "new" woman, she is simple "newness" right now, and with this "newness" comes a distraction from the REAL ISSUES in himself that he does NOT want to face... whether it be his low self esteem, his arrogance, or his lack of having a job, this is NOT your fault, it is NOT about YOU, this is about HIM, his own issues, whether you were in his life or not...

 

He's a grown man who has made his own choices, he did not have the maturity or integrity to clearly know where he stood when he first went ahead with a relationship with you.. but at that time HE again, needed a distraction from "himself and his own issues", and you, at the time, were exactly what this "new" girl is now... simply a distraction, and yes sometimes it can be confused for "love" especially from a man who has not done the "self work" to improve himself, and feel good and confident in who he is, and actually know who he is, and who he wants to become...

 

Do not take anything he is saying personally.. I know that is difficult to understand, but it's very rarely about YOU, sure maybe you haven't been "perfect" but there will be NO perfect woman who can cure him of himself.. sure "temporarily" this "new" woman might seem like she's the answer to all his woes, but in time he will run into "himself" all over again, and she will be suffering as you are now...

 

Because no matter who he is with, there HE will be.

 

I know it will be very difficult to make this leap of being on your own, but that is exactly what you need to do..

 

Fate has a way of doing for us what we will not do for ourselves, and sometimes it means facing heartache, confusion and doubt, in order to actually be shocked into finding our own courage, and strength.

 

You said in your post, "if he goes everything in our life will change"... well that may SEEM like a bad thing to you now, but the FACT is, it's probably such a great thing, the way things are now are not GOOD, or emotionally healthy, or sincere.. it's more of a "love habit", and an ego/power/fear struggle... that has very little to do with authentic healthy love.

 

You have been given an "opportunity" here, yes a valuable opportunity of heartache, that can lead to YOU finding a much happier and better life, within yourself first, and then with someone new... but this will take time, so ask yourself what is the alternative?

 

Do you beg him to stay?

Do you compromise your own sense of self and walk on eggshells and try to be all that HE wants/needs?

Do you trust him?

Do you want to be with a man who lacks the ambition to have a job and make his own life more complete before not only involving you, but now another woman?

Do you respect and admire this man as he is, or do you love who you "thought" he "could" be in your life?

Are you choosing to try to make it work, just because you fear the unknown "change" in your life, and the fact that you may be on your own for awhile?

Do you think it's wise for a woman to make a choice to be with a man who's choice of behavior shows lack of character and lack of self respect and respect for you?

 

 

Do you realize that you will be perfectly okay, even better on your own, once you gain some perspective on who he has "revealed himself to authentically be"?

 

This will be difficult, but the BEST thing you can do, and yes, the toughest, is starting today, right now, start making a plan for YOU, for yourself, get your money together, find all tax reports, papers on the house, the car, whatever you share ownership on legally, you do NOT tell him you are doing any of this, but you are going to start to have a plan for YOU, and also an emotional plan, one where you are aware that you will cry a whole lot, you will miss what you "hoped" could be with him, but you will no longer tolerate an unfulfilling relationship where you are choosing to actually take on the blame for his issues.. yuk, you know you have the self respect somewhere inside you to muster up the courage to walk away from this situation...

 

You said in your post, "I don't know if I should let him go"... well, you don't have anything to "let go" of, he's already gone, he's probably never really been "there" for anyone in his life, not even himself... so as far as answering "I don't kow if I should let him go"... maybe if you can honestly answer this question:

 

What would you be letting go of?

 

His sincere love, his loyalty, his financial security, his respect, his maturity, the happiness he shares, the trust?

 

Would you be losing any of the above? Because from what you've described, these wonderful character qualities do not seem to be a part of this relationship..

 

And these character qualities are a must for any emotionally healthy, long term, successful, happy, loving, respectful relationship... and I believe this guy doesn't even have these feelings for himself, let alone anyone else.. and this "new" girl, well say a prayer for her, she's going to have nothing but his problems once the "newness" wears off.... trust this, and be grateful that your eyes are now WIDE OPEN, and you can make some wise choices on your own behalf, and it starts with making a plan for yourself, regardless of what his plans may be...

[Stitches]

I am having a hard time accepting this as being over because i am not one to give up easy. Maybe i have been fooled and the reality is like you say it is. THere is still part of me that is thinking that this isnt the case yet. If it turns out to be the truth, i have proof against him that would hold up in court and i will keep that up my sleeve. even though the house is in his name, i started a business 2 years ago that is self-sustaining and i believe i would be able to win totally this house and 30 acres. However, i still want to make sure that he isnt just caught up in a downward spiral due to his depression. He has been battling it since highschool and we thought it was being taken care of with meds but perhaps its been getting the better of him. I hope he isnt thinking clearly. It has been hard to be around him the past 2 days, but tonight we hopefully will be talking to a married couple of friends of ours who have been through a ton of stuff and i hope he can see that we need to work on getting him the help he needs. I just cant believe with all the caring and love he gave me all these years that he admits was not really real. I cant really believe that and thats what makes me want to make it work. If he is really sure about ending it all he will be making a poor decision. It is very similar to the movie "The break-up".

THis is updated news. Apparently that letter he was going to let me see, he sent to her yesterday. this is the day after he told her he had feelings for her. I have talked to her and she sent him an email that i read saying clearly " I have never had feelings for you like that and never will. you have ruined our friendship and we shouldn't be in touch anymore". The real kicker is that i havent read the letter he wrote her, but she sent me it in an email and i may read it if he wont let me read it soon. My other friend who talked with her said that he wrote her a bunch of weird stuff like further declaring his love and that they should be together and like run away together. I heard this late last night and took it as he may really be in a psychologically bad state. We are probably going to have to seek professional help and will if he doesnt get convinced by my friends husbands that it is worth trying to fix.

However, if he really has been stringing me around for 10 years and really honestly doesnt think things will work out, i know i can survive. I have the support of friends, family, my business to survive with. I just think i am so upset about the emotional stuff and time i have spent with him. I would feel like a failure if we cant make things work out, but not so much if in reality he really will never change. I need to know for a fact this, and if a professional psychiatrist told me this then that would push me in the right direction.

Maybe he is having a mid-life crisis. Maybe is over analyzing his doubts that all men have once in a while about the marriages. It not over yet i hope, but he is talking the same way as he did the first night "I dont want to hurt you" "I will write you a letter tomorrow telling you how i am feeling". Well i woke up this morning at 6:30 and couldnt sleep anymore and today is the day he is supposed to give me the letter. maybe we should have dinner with my mediating friends first before he gives me the letter. i just worry i will be so upset over this letter cause it may be his real thoughts and not his over analyzed fantasy thoughts. We shall see.

But dont worry, i am not a pushover, i have been the leader in the relationship like i am the leader of my pack of dogs. I have been the one with the persistance and responsibilities. I just worry about him going off the handle and hurting himself if we end it all.

-stitches

[shelly7]

Stitches, i'm so sorry for your situation and I admire your strength. You will definitely have to seek counseling. He does sound like he's going through a mid-life crisis. I don't think that's an excuse however, to hurt you. His honesty to you about his feelings for another woman show that he does have great respect for you in telling you the truth. I don't think it would be helpful to know all the sordid details of the letter he wrote to this woman.

 

Sometimes in moments of frustration or weakness we pour our hearts out and then simply hit delete. I can't imagine being judged for everything I ever wrote. I've written countless letters to ex lovers (however, i never sent them). Some people just use writing as a way to vent in the moment.

 

We all make mistakes in life and if he comes to terms that his behavior in this situation was a mistake, I think you might have solid ground to work on rebuilding the relationship, if you so choose.

 

Whatever happens and whatever you decide we will all be here to help support you. Good luck to you.

[shelly7]

Update: I have stated that I didn’t want anymore contact and that time apart is the equivalent to breaking up. This firm statement made my ex(?) back pedal a great deal.

 

He keeps telling me he loves me and misses me and that he will make up our time apart sooner than I think. He then said to please give him this time and that he knows how much he’s hurting me, but that he’s hurting as well. He doesn’t want to go NC and said he has every intention of planning something for the two of us to make up for our lost time together.

 

I told him at this point for me, Actions speak louder than words, and I’ll believe his true intention when I actually see it. He agreed and asked me to hold on and not to be worried or anxious and to trust him.

 

We spent New Years apart and he called after the ball dropped to tell me how much he missed me and loved me. While his call meant a lot to me, I’m still alone and waiting. (sigh)

[blender]

Shelly7, if you are "hurting" then it's time to live within your own standards and values, and no more "contact" with him, not now, you've explained to him that actions speak louder than words, and that it's better to respectfully give him the time and space, and he now needs to "respect" that for you as well, until he definitely wants to intentionally make an effort to make you a priority in his life, and to work on this as a couple, well then, it's YOUR respectful choice to no longer have contact.

 

I really feel for you, it's "nice" that he called on New Years, but if it ultimately left you feeling, not so good, then what difference do his "calls" make? What do they really mean in YOUR life? You deserve more than just crumbs, and it's okay to acknowledge that you understand he is hurting too, but that you are responsible for yourself and your own standards and values, and although it might be nice for HIM to maintain contact during this "time and space' HE ASKED for, well it's turning out that it's causing YOU too much heartache, and although it will also be difficult for you to go no contact, it is the most self respecting, self healing, and most attractive thing you can do for YOURSELF. Don't you think?

 

That way he can actually live with the consequence of his choice to want to be "free" for awhile, and he can have the opportunity to "discover" any authentic feelings for you, IF you are NOT just "there" in his life, but instead YOU make a choice to be a woman HE has to make a sincere loving, intentional, clear, committed effort to have in his life as a couple, nothing less... because that is what you want with any man whom you may be in love with, it's not personal, it's just YOUR standard/value.

 

If he can not appreciate this, and he repeats that it's too tough for HIM, well then let him find out how tough it is to NOT have you in his life, that is sometimes the ONLY way thee ex can "discover" the value of someone as precious as you... if not, than at least you've had the self respect to use this time for "no contact" to heal and move on.. his loss if he can't step up to the plate and respectfully win your heart back, the RIGHT and COMPLETE way...

[shelly7]

Blender,

 

I know you’re right. It actually turns my stomach how right you are.

 

Some moments I’m all for NC and I psyche myself up for it, but it’s so hard when the person on the other end isn’t completely letting go. I’ve told him several times please if you want to break up just tell me, and that will be that. I actually came out and told him, sure I’ll be depressed for awhile, but I’ll get over it, and we can both move on with our lives.

 

I don’t know if I should just ignore his calls at this point or try one more time to lay it on the line that when you’re ready, call me, if I’m still here, then we can move forward.

 

He has an uncanny ability to contact me when I’m weak and he says all the right things, or just enough to keep me hanging on for another day.

 

I know this cannot go on forever, and I’ve never been in a situation like this before. I’ve been dumped, I’ve been the dumper, but never has it dragged on like this. It’s emotionally exhausting.

 

But YES, I’m going to try NC again and see where I end up.

 

Blender, I’d also like to take a moment to say how much your advice means to me and to others on this site. Your patience and understanding for all of us struggling in different forms of relationship limbo is really admirable. I hope you know how appreciated you are and how much your words help. I wish you all of the happiness in the world for 2007, you deserve it!

[blender]

Shelly7, I know exactly how you are feeling, but be careful to "believe" that he is "not letting go"... because you have to ask yourself, "WHAT is it that HE is NOT letting go of"?

 

And for now, the ONLY thing HE is not letting go of, is "knowing that you are there"... and as long as you are "just there" no matter how many speeches you may give him about what he "should" be doing in order to keep you in his life, it won't matter, he won't really hear it, as long as you are "just there". You can not see the forrest through the trees, so it's time to stop being a "tree" in his life.

 

You said: "He has an uncanny ability to contact me when I’m weak and he says all the right things, or just enough to keep me hanging on for another day."

 

Okay, this is VALUABLE information, and YOU actually understand this, and know it to be true, (whether he does so intentionally or not, it's about how this makes you feel in the long run, and it's not so good is it?) so what would make a difference in this scenario? What power do YOU have to change it?

 

Well, the answer is "no contact", and no more explainations as to "why" you are choosing no contact, no more speeches about heartache, or getting over it, or "just tell me it's over".. for today have the self respect to know that it is "over", because what is really "over" here, is a respectful, committed, kind, loyal, loving, sincere, mature relationship... so yes, it's "over" in that respect.. so there is no need for HIM to define that for you, that is up to you to define for yourself.

 

See, having a standard and value for your own heart, and choosing to live within the parameters you set for youself, is the key to healing and happiness. Starting today, say to yourself:

 

"I will no longer make a choice to engage in contact, or a relationship that is NOT what I feel is respectful, loving, fulfilling, defined, or committed, IF he ever does actually make an intentional effort to say to me clearly: "I want us to work as a couple, and that starts today, no more space, or time between us, I would never respectfully ask a woman to just "wait", that is not classy, or kind, or realistic, so let's build a life together, I love you".

 

UNTIL HE CLEARLY states and lives that sentence above, then WHAT EXACTLY are you hanging on to? A 'hope" that eventually he becomes the man you "thought" he "could" be in your life?

 

Well, as it stands right now, he is clearly NOT that man who you "hoped" and "thought" he could be, no matter how many words he says, or how much "potential" you "hope" him to have... his choices are what define who he is, and what kind of quality of character he actually does possess, or lack of character might be a beter way of putting it.

 

It's time to stop "believing so much in his potential of love, and instead start believing in YOURSELF".

 

Can you go today without any contact? What do you fear most about going no contact?

[shelly7]

Yes, I can most certainly go today with NC.

 

My fear? I guess honesty is needed here.

 

My true fear is that if I reject his attempts at maintaining contact with me while he is getting his life together (taking space) that he will view that as me being unsupportive to his needs. thereforeeee, leading him to believe that I’m emotionally weak and incapable of giving him what he needs in his time of weakness.

 

NC makes him upset and he views that as me not being supportive and not caring.

 

More specifically, he claims that if he were completely breaking up with me he could understand my need to want to move on, but since he’s just asking for me to back off a little while, while he gets his career and finances in order, there should be no need for NC.

 

He’s made it quite clear that he is the type of person that needs time alone when he needs to figure things out in his life.

 

I’m the polar opposite of that, which is why I’m struggling to understand his need for distance between us.

 

So, my ultimate fear is him misinterpreting my need for NC.

 

I think that sums it up.

[blender]

okay, so lets talk this through, you're fear is that HE will misinterpret your need for "no contact" during HIS time of "wanting to be alone, or have space"? So you are making a choice to try to build a life with a man who can not respect YOU or YOUR needs?

 

Are you both in this "relationship" to make sure HE is okay?

Where is your sense of self in all this?

How long are you willing to walk on eggshells in hopes that HE will finally discover how special YOU are?

If he doesn't know it now, and doesn't behave in a respectful understanding way when it comes to YOUR feelings, as well as his own, then you are both in a relationship with the same person, you love him, and he loves him..ugh.....where are YOU in all this?

 

It is so very emotionally dangerous to compromise your own sense of self, your own emotions for that of another, when they do not show the respect for YOUR feelings.

 

You are making him your "god". The holder of the "key" to YOUR happiness, that is not respectful, realistic, mature, or long lasting, it's NOT a good idea to make this choice. After all YOU are hurting during all this, aren't you? You are waiting for what? What is the prize here? Him? YOU are the one who HE should be making a priority, that is love, love is not about "conditions" it's about choices, compromise, understanding, respect, loyalty, commitment on BOTH SIDES...

 

What is HE doing to respectfully make you a priority in his life? What? A phone call here or there, a dinner here or there, a check in on holidays type of thing? What kind of "love" do you see this as... he loves HIMSELF, his 'ego", and for now you are both feeding his "ego".

 

He tells you that it's "not over" but it's also not "respectfully fully on" either, but that is the way HE is most comfortable right now, and if you want some crumbs for now, even if they leave you so hungry most of the time, it's important that YOU settle for crumbs if you ever want a chance at the "whole cake". Right?

 

WRONG.. you must set standards for YOURSELF, and live within them and IF he is a man of character he can then make a choice to step up to the plate, if not, then you are already respectfully moving on, whether HE understands and respects this or not.

 

Do not choose to live within the fragileness of HIS ego, or "weakness"... because then you are choosing to believe it's okay for him to show a "weakness or fear" but not for YOU to do the same? That's not love, that's a power struggle, a control issue, a disrespecting sign of lack of character on his part. And where of where are YOUR standards for your own heart?

 

And since when does a man, any man, suddenly decide to give a woman who is willing to just live with "crumbs", for the most part during his time of wanting space, well I've never, ever heard of the guy suddenly saying, "well, this woman has never had the self respect to stand up for herself, set some boundaries for her own heart, or respectfully require the "whole cake", that a loving, two way street of a relationship is. so what motivation does HE have to actually make the respectful loving commitment YOU deserve from any man whom you choose to love...

 

but wait, now, all of the sudden after he's just used to you "being there" he's going to give the whole cake to you? Why? As a reward for you lacking the self respect to have any standards for herself all along? How does this make YOU feel? What does this say about the kind of man he actually is?

 

and he can also "take back that cake' at any time and you better behave accordingly, IF you want to "win" his prize..ugh...and when he finally does have himself together, he will most likely want to find a woman who has the self respect to require more from him than crumbs... so he should probably move on after all, thanks for being so nice and understanding, you're a doll, but now that his ego is satisfied, and all is better in his life, I really don't want any reminders of "that time" in my life, so it's best that we break up, sorry if that's painful for you, but YOU never set any standards or value on your own heart, so why would I suddenly do so?"

 

Your fear of him not understanding your reason for "no contact" is exactly why you should go no contact, how can you honestly respectfully build a relationship with someone who makes a choice to NOT understand and respect YOUR feelings?

[shelly7]

“Are you both in this "relationship" to make sure HE is okay?”

 

Right now it seems to be that way.

 

“Where is your sense of self in all this?”

 

I’m embarrassed to admit, I may have lost myself in this relationship at this point.

 

 

I’ve always functioned under the idea that relationships have ups and downs, and that there are shifts in power at times. Sometimes one party is more needy than the other.

 

What strikes me most about your response is that how can he end up respecting me later, when I ‘m settling for crumbs now.

 

I find that statement harshly true.

 

Blender, I’m perfectly capable of being strong and although I may come accross as vulnerable and bowing to my bf right now, it was with the purest of intentions of trying to stand by him in his time of need. With the expectation that one day I will need him and he will be there for me.

 

Am I being too old fashioned? Maybe.

 

What I’m going to take from your advice is that I do need to set my own boundaries, regardless of the immediate emotional pain I may suffer. I struggle with the thought of NC, because I’m being selfish, and yes I want to maintain contact with him because talking to him makes ME HAPPY, but I know that’s my heart talking. I need to start listening to my brain.

 

I’m so disappointed in myself and how I’ve let this person be my “God” so to speak. You’re correct lately my happiness is way too wrapped up in his moods and treatment of me.

 

I don’t know when that shift took place, but it did. And now I’m left to pick up the pieces of the mess I made. I take full responsibility for letting him treat me this way. I sound like a broken record, but I’m really trying to do right by him.

 

But just going on his promise to eventually do right by me is not enough.

 

NC until he takes ACTION.

 

Thank you.

[blender]

You are not being "selfish" by making a choice of no contact during his "time and space", it's NOT selfish at all, it's only "self respecting" to make this choice, it's also respecting his "need" for time and space.

 

But at the same time maintaining your sense of self, so as much as you'd like to just "be there" for him, just try thinking that you believe he is mature enough and man enough to handle this on his own, and that you are not going to be left in a rollercoaster of emotional whims that can only lead to resentment on your part in the long run.

 

If you want a different result then what you have been getting then it starts with YOU taking a different approach.

 

Your fear of him not understanding, is yes, understandable, I've been there, only to find, that once I lay down and become an emotional bridge for a man to walk over, well, they seldom go back to cross that bridge again..once they are on the other side of their emotional need..

 

so be careful, and remember what you "fear" you are losing, is what? His once in awhile calls? His "promises"... tell him you trust his promise, and that MORE IMPORTANTLY you also have to trust a promise you have made to yourself, and that is to ONLY be in a relationship that is committed, loyal, full, and understanding as a two way street, and until he can offer such to you, that it's best for both of you to take some time and space..

 

not that you even should have this conversation with him again.. he knows you are hurting, he knows that you deserve more, but as long as there are no boundaries set, he will never, ever have to actually live with out you, or make a choice to rise to the occasion and be the respectful, strong, independent, caring, loving, committed, loyal, kind, undestanding man you so rightly derserve....

 

so you can choose to think of it as "selfish" on your part, but why then is it NOT selfish on his...ugh.... it's not about "being selfish" it's about setting standards/values for your own heart, and we teach people how to treat us, by the way we treat ourselves, and not by the way we treat them....so remember if you are willing to compromise your own self respect and needs to keep him "around".. well then he will always be willing to compromise YOUR self respect and needs too......

 

the healing starts with you.. it does, as difficult as it is to set a standard and live within it, well in the long run it is so empowering, freeing, worthy, and joyful.. it just is.. the alternative is more of the same of what you have already experienced.. be careful of getting addicted to a "bad habit' no matter how much "temporary comfort" it may give you.... it will never prove to be fulfilling in the long run..

 

I know you are wise, and caring, you sound so much like myself during my last relationship, and the most helpful thing for me during my final strong self respecting attempt to go no contact, and to let go and heal, well was to write down and separate all my "feelings" from the "facts" it was surprising how many of them didn't match up when it came to the relationship.

 

Write down, what do YOU get from this relationship as it is, and what does he get from this relationship as it is?

 

Then write down how the relationship as it IS, make YOU feel, and not how it "might" be in the long run, but what it IS right now.

 

Write down WHO YOU are in this relationship and HOW he is respectfully nurturing and showing an effort a valiant, respectful, caring, intentional EFFORT to make sure YOU are fulfilled too.

 

Then write down the FACTS of all this:

 

Do I admire who he IS, or who I "hope" he "could" be?

Why is it okay for me to expect so much more understanding from myself and NOT from him?

What happens if we ever had children, would they have to "wait" during his selfish times of feeling overwhelmed, or is he an adult, a mature, kind, strong worthy man who would put aside his own needs for those whom he loved?

What happens if I ever get sick, or ill, and he is required to take care of ME? Will I fear he won't "like me anymore"? Is that love?

 

Why is it okay for me to give so much, and think so little of myself to "save" HIM from himself? Would he respect someone who loves him, when he obviously can not make strong wise decision in his own life so far?

 

Is there something better for me out there, if I had a friend in this relationship would I lovingly tell her to hang in there and just be grateful for the crumbs?

 

Do I honestly feel I'm just choosing to stay because of my temporary fear of being on my own? or am I choosing to stay because I do feel so respected and cherished by this man? Do his actions show me that he knows how to cherish and respect a woman enough to let go of HIS OWN fears and love the mature, thoughtful, kind respectful way?

 

I answered these tough questions during my last relationship... and I finally made the choice to live within the FACTS, and realized that my happiness was inside of me all along.. as much as I mourned the loss of "what I hoped he could be" in my life, I was choosing to be acceptance of who he ACTUALLY WAS in my life... and came to the conclusion that what he actually "was in my life" well, as painful as it was, that was better to let go of, then to hang on to..

 

if he wanted to be what I "hoped he could be" he'd have a whole lot of growing up to do, and he wasn't going to do it on my behalf.. unless I set some standards and went no contact.. and I did... and eight months later I got a letter, but even then as much as I wanted to believe what he was saying.. well it was evident that it was still all about him.. and ya know what, now I'M THE GIRL WHO GOT AWAY... his loss.. yep.. and he's right where I painfully left him... with HIMSELF.. running in a circle of self pity, being misunderstood, a constant victim.. and sure I miss him... but I don't miss how it made me feel.... the confusion, the drama, the feeling of failure, the hoping, the longing, the loss of myself.. YUK.

 

I feel so much better, knowing that I had the strength to live and improve my OWN life, with out him, but he ended up not being able to do the same..nope, he's so stuck in "his life pattern" little did I know at the time it had NOTHING to do with me, although at the time I did take it all so personally... but I realized all the energy I was putting into him, was a much better investment when I put it into myself, not selfish, just mature, kind, self respecting and wise...

 

I hope you can do the same at some point, and not only set a standard for yourself, but also for the man who is in your life, you can not 'expect so much from yourself in terms of being understanding and loving" yet NOT expect it from him too... that is like building a relationship on quicksand, one that for years you will waste precious time and energy constantly trying to rescue, the whole time YOUR life is going by... please try to choose to LIVE YOUR LIFE, not his.. he doesn't even have one he's stable or proud of yet.. you can not change that in him, no matter how long you "hang around".. that is up to him to do, not you... same goes for your life, you have to live it within your standards... choose a man with care, because you may become who he is... is that who you want to be?

[shelly7]

The questions you ask are all worthy questions that I need to seriously consider.

 

Blender again thank you for taking the time to talk me through these feelings and shedding some light. Your words mean a lot more knowing that you have been in a similar situation. You really have a lot of will power, and your experience has obviously made you stronger. I can only hope that this experience leaves me feeling as empowered as you do.

 

I know I have it in me to find the self respect to let him go, I just don’t look forward to the depressing feelings of being alone that come once the decision is made to go NC. (but realistically who does?)

 

I really do feel that I’m capable of turning the tables. My fairytale hope is that he realizes his love for me soon, but I know there are no guarantees. So for now I have to walk away.

 

And as much as it hurts, I know it’s for the best.

 

I will definitely be coming back to this thread to view all of the questions you mentioned, especially in my moments of weakness.

 

Thank you for your support and mentioning all of those imporant questions to consider.

[blender]

Just so you know when I finally made a 'deal with myself' to go no contact, I did it one day at time, I never discussed it with him again, I did all the talking I could do, I finally realized that I only had the strength to make a deal with myself one day at a time, no calls, no emails, no texts, no answering or responding to any calls from him, one day at a time, it's amazing how much the ex might "reveal" when they no longer have the "habit or pattern" to hang to....

 

I would notice many calls eventually on my caller id, where he never left a message, another "sign" that he was still NOT ready to give more, but just was frustrated that he didnt' have that same "hold on me"... and little by little, day by day, I started to feel empowered... it was so difficult to do ,but it does get easier if you just make a deal with yourself one day at time.. just for today, no contact, then tomorrow, you make the same deal with yourself, just to see "how empowering it feels".....

 

And eventually the ex will reveal thier true emotions, either through finally stepping up to the plate and stating a clear, mature, respectful intention, or by just "staying in there life pattern" one that YOU will no longer be a willing lack of self respect participant in.. just one day at a time... try it... just for today...

 

You will be so surprised how much better you will feel once that temporary fear is alleviated...and it will be... just for today, YOU have the self respect to take care of you.... and eventually you will attract the same respect from someone else, maybe even him... but for today, he's not able to offer this.. so "no contact" one day at a time....