History repeating?

[elithepi]

Ok people, here's the story.

Roughly 3 years ago I had a job of 9 years and then I met this girl. She wanted to move to the "tropics". I'm so in love, I start looking for a job as far south as I can find in the same field as my career.

I land a job in Naples, FL. Same gig as the one I had for 9 years.

The night before we move, she pulls one of her classic drunks, cops are called, she's arrested cause I have yet another black eye.

I move down to the new job by myself. I'm calling her, we talk and just when I was getting along without her, she decides to move on down and I stupidly agree.

Disaster strikes a couple weeks later. I just up and move back home because if I didn't I was going to hurt myself if I stayed in the abusive relationship I was in.

 

Fast forward 3 years later.

 

I'm recently laid off due to a departmental layoff. I meet a great girl. We never argue. We laugh and are very affectionate. I'm so happy. I'm not getting beat up, we can hang and agree on so many levels and I'm genuinely happy for the first time in a long time.

 

I land a job 300 miles away. She helps me move. She's proud of me and actually encouraged me to take the job.

I knew I needed the job but also I was impressing her as well.

I start my job, things slowly begin to get boring because I realize the job is not what they said it was. I grow more and more discontent with the job.

 

Meanwhile, I'm visiting my girl a couple times a month. Things are great, we laugh play games have sex, she hates to see me leave.

Then out of the blue....the long distance relationship is to pressuring for her. My being away and driving so far to visit put a "big deal" label on the relationship.

 

I'm devestated, lost, don't even care about my job at all. I've missed a few days and even had a freaking panic attack because I feel so isolated in a strange town at a job I hate without my girl.

I was actually looking to get back closer to her and now I'm so confused as what to do.

 

I'm still freaked she dumped me. OUT OF THE BLUE.

 

I'm just observing that although the first girl mentioned in this post was abusive as hell and the next girl was sweet and affectionate, there is the similarity.

 

I know, first of all I should have never left the first job 3 years ago. That was stupid. Then I justified everything that happened then as a reason. If I never did that, I never would have met girl no.2. She was great. Then she's not so great and dumps me and I feel like I'm thrown all the way back to where I was when I left the abusive relationship, lost with lots of pain and regret.

 

So there it is. I know, live for myself. Do things that will make ME happy. Then let a relationship enhance my life, don't let the relationship BE my life.

 

I just feel so stripped of identity since I left my first job. And it all still seems to be lingering from the mistakes I made 3 years ago....I'm so bummed out.

 

I really feel like I'm running out of time.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

I don't think these situations are the same at all- the only similar factor is that you moved away for a new job- but the reactions of the women and their behaviour is totally different.

 

The first woman was abusive and out of control and I think whether you moved or not that relationship would have crashed and burned. The more recent ex- I can understand why she ended things, the pressure of a long distance relationship is not something everyone can handle.

 

She may have thought she would be OK with it when you left, as she seemed very supportive of the move, but then once you were gone she may have realized that it was just too much to bear.

 

I think you might be reading too much into it by thinking that it's history repeating itself, I don't see that at all.

 

But if you are tired of the instability, maybe it's time to search for a job that you will be content at and want to stay at long term, so the moving around won't be an issue. It's hard to expect any partner to be able to handle an LDR or relocating their lives with you for a new job.

[elithepi]

I am tired of the instability. And I do regret doing what I'm "suppose" to do instead of following my heart and settling for a job close to where my heart was.

And this recent break up really got to me. Just out of the blue, turned off like a switch. I feel left hanging.

And I blew it by not backing off when the gauntlet was dropped.

My job is all pisssed at me and I really don't see myself staying here.

I just see repeating patterns.

Girl,move,break up, no job.

I do think though, that if I really enjoyed this current job, I'd be ok.

I have just been really bored with it and have started looking elsewhere, then this sudden break up that I never saw coming happened and I'm at a loss.

I guess it's really true, you can't count on anyone but yourself.

It just makes you question yourself when you put all your trust in someone and they cut and run.

Unfortunatley I've been obsessive, running things over in my mind. I know I must stop.

The isolation is almost killing me.

One thing that hurts is that I'm having a hard time letting loose my emotions. I feel very bad but whenever tears begin to swell something inside of me holds everything back.

I'm just really tired of the pain and I wish I was like the ex, able to just turn it off.

 

One thing, While we were together, I inquired about her other boyfriends and how she broke it with them.

I didn't like what I heard because she more or less just said bye to them out of the blue and never looked back.

I remember how her old ex's would call her while I was around and she'd see caller ID and not answer.

 

I guess I should have never expected to be treated any different.

That was the only thing that I didn't like, looking in retrospect.

 

Oh well, I feel like a fool.

I feel abandoned. it sucks

[Hope75]

Maybe what you need to do more than anything is prioritize.

 

First find a job that you enjoy and that you will stick to,

 

Than after that is established, consider a relationship.

[elithepi]

I know I must think positive, but just to get it out, I feel like a freaking looser right now.

Prioritize is right.

I'm just in a real rut. I'm broke...overdrawn. Bills are backed up. Missed work and hours pay. They want me to get a Dr.'s clearance before I return. They've noticed I've been depressed and they are sticking their nose in my business. That is pissing me off.

I can work, I just needed sometime around this wonderful holiday period for myself.

 

I just want to move back home....regroup.

But gosh, golly gee wiz, I'm too old for this crap.

[Hope75]

Going through a breakup is tough.

 

Give yourself some time, and try to take good care of yourself physically so you can start to feel better mentally too.

 

If they want medical clearance, get an appointment and have a physical. It can't hurt, and the last thing you need is to lose your job on top of everything else.

[elithepi]

I sabotage myself a lot.

This is just another example of it.

I was born 100 years too late.

Just give me some land and let me be.

Grow my garden.

Yeah, escape is what I want.

 

 

Going to see a doc. today. We'll see.

Thanks for you input, Hope. I dig the cat. I'm ashamed to say that after saying all this, I'm 1 year older than you. I feel like some teenager, though.

 

I was actually married once for 5 years had a son. That relationship took it's natural course and ended. I still get along with the ex-wife.

I just have never been the same since my dad died suddenly of a heart attack. We were very close. Then I got divorced just after that.

 

All that happened 8 years ago.

 

Oh well, enough self pity and looking back, I keep telling myself.

 

Even had a dream about the old man last night. I was mad at him because he wouldn't listen to me about my current situation. He was busy.

 

Just having a hard time today...

[Hope75]

Sounds like you've got alot on your plate, and not just the two most recent relationships.

 

Have you considered counseling?

 

What you have to deal with is alot for even the strongest person- there is no shame in asking for help to help process your feelings.

[elithepi]

Yeah, I thought about seeing a shrink.

I cried hard when my dad died and felt that I went through the grieving.

Ever since then I've held back...not all the time.

Hell, maybe it's some abandonment issues I have developed since his death that I have never faced.

It just seems that the panic of a realtionship break up is so much more intense than I have ever experienced before. I've actually regressed in that emotion. Separation is a problem.

 

Maybe that is why I put up with the abuse from girl no.1

 

Hell, I use to be a "player" lol. Now I'm all emotional and sensitive. Karma.

[Hope75]

Why not make an appointment and see what it's all about?

 

Can't hurt.

[Lanterna Magica]

Hell, I use to be a "player" lol. Now I'm all emotional and sensitive. Karma.

 

Elithepi, look at what you wrote...

 

You have become a deeper and wiser human being, you are discovering yourself and it is a wonderful thing. I know how painful it all is, but you must look at all of this as an opportunity to know yourself.

 

My friend went through a break up in 2003, he had been with the girl for 13 years. She left to go and work in China for a year, while she was there she had an affair and he found out about it. He was devastated, where you are now, he really took an emotional hammering.

 

Now he has a two year old son by someone new he met - and he is an amazing kid, the best job he has ever had and is certainly one of the wisest people I know and always willing to help and listen.

 

All of this was born out of his pain. He was always very emotionally closed, but now he is open, he was telling me just the other night how much easier it is for him to connect with his emotions.

 

I feel the same about myself. Earlier in the year after the deaths of two friends, I did not cry, I bottled up all the emotion, when I went through my break up it all came out! Tears, tears and more tears!

 

And on the back of them came relief. I still felt sad, but at the same time there was this sense of relief when I realized 'I am not numb!'

 

Despite the pain there was some real satisfaction in realizing I am a fully paid up member of the world of emotions!

 

I obviously miss being in a relationship, but the person I was in my relationship was flawed and going nowhere, something I now see with alot of clarity (but I still think there were many good aspects to me!). Now the relationship is gone I find myself realizing I stand at a golden opportunity. To be more honest with myself than I ever have been. To seek out happiness within myself rather than expecting to find it in anyone else.

 

I am daunted by the whole idea of it and it is something that I would not be experiencing if I had carried on dwelling in my emotional numbness. For this reason the break up is actually a blessing.

 

I think on balance that the gift of discovering your emotional depth outweighs the events that brought you to that point.

 

In the future you are going to be so wise, so much stronger and you will be safe in the knowledge you have experienced the fullness of Love.

 

That is what we can take from tragedy.

 

A player would just keep playing the same games and never learn anything new.

[elithepi]

 

A player would just keep playing the same games and never learn anything new.

 

Hence the title of this thread.

Been there. Done that.

Now it's happening again.

I didn't learn from the first go around.

Although the dynamics of the relationship are far different, I am repeating the same mistakes.

 

I do feel that I must find my livelyhood again.

I MUST do what I love. The job.

 

I have become much more considerate of people and I do not want to hide from my emotions.

It's just that my emotions have controlled me whenever I have experienced a relationship let down, as of late.

 

Regret seems to have been piling up. And I hate it.

 

I want to go home. Take off this uniform and leave the show.

 

I'll be alright....I'm just really mad and sad and feeling desperate.

I am looking forward to 2007. Getting back up and knocking off the dust. I just wasn't expecting to fall down again.

[elithepi]

I'm really disappointed in myself.

[Benson]

elithepi oh man

 

you feel the exact same way I do... you invested everything into something and it walks away from you out of the blue...

 

im so afraid of it happening again, i am also questioning myself... I know exactly what your feeling.... As with you I have my own problems in life as well, and my recent breakup is affecting my job.

 

keep your head up friend, you are certainly not alone here.