ma bf ex is pregnant

[Hope75]

Now that his baby has been born, I have this strong feeling of "this is not right." How can he go to the hospital, watch the birth of his child, stay there til 3am and then come and sleep in my bed? I want to make it clear - I WANT him to be there for the baby and with her at this time. But I don't like the idea of him basically living two lives. (By coming to me.) I am the odd piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit. I think we could make our relationship work but I'm leaning more towards him needing time for himself and his daughter and "without" me in the picture.

 

I kind of get the impression that she tried this life on for size, and is finding that the fit is not quite right.

 

But she is not you, and you are both individuals and have to decide what is best for you in this situation.

 

Waiting to find out if she is pregnant, and if she wants to keep the baby before doing anything is the right thing to do- and then you can decide from there what the best choice is for you.

[ImThatGirl]

Hope is completely right. Each of us are individuals. You may be able to mesh with the circumstances better than I.

 

what i will regret is if i leave him now, i feel that he needs me, he don't want this baby.

 

This line of your post above alarms me. And for this reason: My relationship hasn't been great lately. (another issue kind of.) Anyway, I worried about leaving him because he needed me and I promised to support him. So I decided I'd wait until the baby was born. And then I decided to wait until he received the dna results. And now I'm waiting to see how reacts now that he knows he is the father.

 

I just want to point out that: Even though he needs you, you must tune into what is best for you - what you need, what you can tolerate, what your limits are and such.

 

This is alot for you to stomach. Just be very real to yourself, Sweetie.

 

And to answer your question: What is it like now that the baby is born.

My bf avoids conflict at all costs. He visits his daughter a couple times a week. No "set" schedule. His ex calls and asks him to stay overnight. He doesn't. They go shopping together (or have once.) She asks him to drive her to family dinners and attend family dinners (he declines.)

 

To clarify - I think if there are two very strong people that are absolutely and love and willing to do what it takes, they can get through this situation. But it is Very Difficult.

 

Hugs.

[scared12]

he asked me to marry him,twice, as i'm not sure about this whole situation i still didin't say yes.

he decided to support this baby and to accept it.

we were away for 7 days and now that we are back i feel better, i'm not that scared anymore. i will wait to see what will happen when the baby is born, and we decided to stay together and to build our own life no mattter what. we will live together soon and i think i will have more control over the situation then, i know it probably sounds stupid, but i wont let her control my life, and i would like to be involved in the whole thing, i will accept this baby as my own and later when it is bigger , take care of him/her, she also agrees to that. i don't want to stay aside and watch my life go down because of her, i'm not giving up, i know what i want and that is to be with him, and if two of us can be "friends" even better for the sake of the child, but i 'm not going to let anyone to distroy my relationship. am i cruel? i don't know . love and thanks to all of you.

[ImThatGirl]

I'm glad to hear you sounding more positive.

 

Are you being cruel? No - he has stated he does not want to be with her.

 

I think you will go through phases of being comfortable with this, panicking at least a little off and on, being strong and confident, and being detached a bit about the situation.

 

If you want this to work, you can make it. Just be aware of his feelings and worries, etc. as well as your own.

[Hope75]

I think you are smart to wait and see how you feel about things once the baby is born before accepting a marriage proposal that you are not certain that you could honor until you know the full brunt of your feelings once the baby is actually here.

 

As for the baby or his/her mom "destroying" your relationship- they will be an active part of his life because they are still co-parents to this baby and the child is his. But that doesn't mean that as his partner you cannot take an active part in helping to raise the child with him and to be a role model to the child as well- if you are prepared to do so.

 

Good luck.

[shelaluna]

well, i've got the same situation and if you two are really truly in love (it sounds poorly cleché but your love will be stronger than any obstacle that tries to separate you - including a baby. I've been dealing with this situation for 7 months now and nothing is going to change no matter what happens - she is still having his baby, she is still going to be in his life (however it may be) but the way I reassure myself, is by falling in love with him every single day. Strengthening your relationship is about the only thing you can do that will help. You sort of have to brace yourselves for the inevidible. It sucks a LOT, but there's not a whole lot to do. Whatever you do, don't let the baby tear apart the relationship, it will only make you stronger in the end - despite the obvious immediate setbacks. Sorry if I wasn't much help. I don't really know what else to do either..

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think you are wise to wait for the results of this before breaking up... it is very possible that she is desperate and faking a pregnancy to try to get him back, or to upset you so you will leave him... there are even some women who fake pregnancies to the point of wearing fake bumps to look pregnant!

 

so basically, there are some people who will not take no for an answer, and will do everything they can to try to get what they want, so she may very well be one of those people, especially if she has been harassing you at all hours and all the time before she announced the pregnancy... or she coudl also be pregnant by someone else and lying about who the father is too...

 

plenty of people learn to love their stepchildren, and it is not really a case of 'sharing' him with his ex, since he doesn't want to be with her, but with you. if there is a child, and the child is his, then you will have to share him with the child, but then if you have your own children, you are sharing him with them too... so it is not a case of you vs. his ex, but of having to accept the circumstances of children in your life IF he is the father...

 

so hang in there and wait to see if there really is a pregnancy (which needs to be validated by more than her word, with a legitimate paternity test)... and don't see his ex as some kind of rival, because she isn't... she is defijitely a nuisance, but one has to accept certain pre-conditions whenever we decide to be with someone, and most people have some baggage in their lives... just decide whether you love him enough to help him raise a child... if so, then stick with it!

[Hope75]

well, i've got the same situation and if you two are really truly in love (it sounds poorly cleché) but your love will be stronger than any obstacle that tries to separate you - including a baby.

 

I think it is a mistake to view a baby as an obsticle. The baby is a helpless child who did not ask to be brought into the world and least of all a broken relationship, and the most important thing is that the baby gets love, nurturing, support, and quality parenting from both parents. If there are significant others in the picture and the child gets more love from them, that is even better. There is nothing wrong as a SO with admitting that it is not a situation that is right for you- not everyone can do it and no one should feel forced to do so.

 

But viewing your partner's child as an obsticle to your relationship with him is the first step to pushing yourself away from him because his duty to that child comes before any relationship does, don't you think?

[scared12]

news!!!!

his ex called me last night, wants me to stay away, lying about where he spend the last night(he was with me) and so on.. i don't know how she get my number,then she called him and told him that i called her and that now she is so nervious that she is going to hospital and that probably she has an abortion, and today she actually gave him her son to adoption, and now she wants us to be happy....

he is acting strange last few days, at some moments he is cruel to me by saying somethings that hurts and later he says it was just to be sure how much i love him,he did it again this evening and i sent him home as i can't stand this anymore, my feelings are going up and down by day, i'm nervious so much that i can't sleep normally, asking myself why is this happening, and he is not helping me.

he says that i will be happy soon, but i just need to hold on for few days. but this is all so strange. i offered him my support, my love and to him its all just a game. i know he has a hard times now but WHAT ABOUT ME? i know he has to be in contact with her but why he didn't call her later when i wanted him to tell her to leave me alone.

i told him that next time when he has a desire to hurt me to avioid my number and i don't want to see him until he starts acting normal. i don't know what is wrong with him, or with me? why it has to be so hard, i knew him as a good person and now he is like a monster sometimes. he says he cries everyday because of this things that he is doing, but i will understand one day and that he loves me.

i also don't understant why he wants to adopt that BOY THAT IS NOT HIS son, and what kind of woman is she when she can do something like that.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

How your bf treats you is really a separate matter than the pregnant ex bf thing. What sort of things has he been saying to you that are cruel?

 

How did he handle the ex calling him and telling him one thing while you are telling him something else happened?

 

About the boy he is adopting, I think that is a very good thing he is doing for that boy. It's obvious that when he was with his ex he formed an attachment to the boy and if the boy's mother is willing to just sign her son away than at least he can go to someone he knows and has a relationship with. I would look at that as a positive thing about your bf, not a negative one.

[scared12]

he says he is testing my love and tht he has a reason for doing it and that i wil understand one day. he doesn't answer my calls, he says he will be here at 3 and he shows up a 6and then he tell me he was with her. he begs me not ot leave him and then he said he is going to meet a friend eventough we had some plans for tonight,then he said she loves him and maybe one day they will be together again because you never know what will happen tomorrow and then i started to cry as i cant believe what is he telling me and he hugs me and says that he will change tomorrow and that he just wanted to see my reaction. i told him i dont want to see him again until he realises how much he has just hurted me. i left and he sent me a message that he loves me and he wants me to believe in him, i didn't replied.

he believed me not her about her calls, but i dont understand this behaviour. i understand his life wasn't easy and this is a big problem on his chest, but why is he doing this to me?

[Hope75]

I think his comments to you are just plain cruel.

 

It is not healthy to manipulate your partner to tears in order to 'prove that they love you'.

 

You were right to tell him that you are not going to tolorate such behaviour and to back off.

[scared12]

thank you.

[ImThatGirl]

Scared, I'm sorry for the delay in responding....

 

I spent a lovely weekend at home with my children. I got on the computer long enough to read your private msgs and then never made it back.

 

You know, we've discussed how difficult this will be and that if you both want it to work, it will. It takes endless patience, understanding and support from you. In return, he should be giving you endless reassurance, consideration and respect.

 

You are sticking your neck out here. And all he can do in return is stay nights with her and be evasive?!

 

I know what it feels like to give him endless chances while feeling like your heart is being stomped on. I know how bad it hurts. I also know the hoping of "if I make it through this, we can make it through anything and have a beautiful relationship."

 

I'm sure his mind is pretty much shot right now. I'm sure he's overwhelmed and possibly emotionally spent. That does not excuse his behavior.

 

Keep your chin up, stand for what you believe in, don't give in to his evasiveness, inconsideration, and disrespect.

 

If he wants to make it through this with you, he needs to do his part.

 

I'm so sorry to hear of the difficulties you are going through....

[Trishy]

Oh man. Insane situation. And would be a bit awkward as well. Hopefully she is telling the truth and not just making it up to play games. I guess I am so lucky that my boyfriends ex could never do that. He has a vasectomy and he is only 24. I hope this girl isn't playing a dirty trick. But whatever the case I hope you pull through it ok and that your love keeps you two strong

[Trishy]

Woah just read the other bulletins as well. Man that guy should not be talking to you in such a manner!!! Shame on him! Things seem to be getting a little out of hand. You need to re-evaluate the situation, and look at what YOU really want. And how YOU really want to feel. And then just go with it

[scared12]

tnx Trishy i know what i want but i'm obviously not getting that from him,

lates new is that she is 45 days pregnant, which is actually a good news because he is not a father or she is a liar

[scared12]

i left him

[Hope75]

i left him

 

So what happened, scared?

 

Do you want to talk about it?

[scared12]

i dont know what to say anymore. i supported him, gave him everything i have and i espected the same from him, but all i got was pain and rejection. i realise now how cruel and selfish he was. he said he wil change and i believed him, but this morning when we talked i realised how diappointed am i and that he doesn't care how i feel. i asked him to stay with me but he said he is so nervious hat he cant talk. then it came to me that he ALLWAYS does that when i wanna talk. i asked him to stay, told him i need him to hug me, i need to be sure that he cares for me, i just need him, but he said he is not in mood and he wants to run away from all of us. and i told him to go and that i don't want to see him anymore. i told him that i was there for him so many times why is he going now when i need him, but he still went.

all day i'm wondering why this happened to me, when did i change, when did i let him to treat me this way. and i had to say no more, i couldn't stand so many rejections from him, cold words

so many times i was in tears and i watched him closing doors and leaving me alone because he has a hard times. i'm just a pressure for him. i'm glad in a way. better now then later i guess.

[Hope75]

Hey Scared,

 

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. In times of stress, we always hope that our partner will lean on us, instead of pushing us away. It sounds as though you made yourself available to him and were as supportive as you could be, especially given the awkward circumstances.

 

I am proud that you realized that it is not OK to be treated that way, and that you did something about it.

 

Hang in there, we are here for you when you need to vent.

[scared12]

tnx hope. i don't even know how to express how i feel today. emotions are going up and down. i miss what i guess could be if he was different. i just hope i wont call him or see him somewhere on the street. but i know it was a right thing to do. i'm disappointed.

[sweethurt]

hi there.. just read through this thread.... i quite understand how it feels when the person you count on leaves in the time of need.. but you sound brave.. and all i can say is fogive and forget..just be out there..there may many more wonderful people waiting to come your way..let them in...