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Hello all. I didn't sleep at all last night. I've been up all night. I spent a good amount of time on this forum. It helps to know people are going through the same thing as me.


I'm 19 years old. I know I'm young, and i know that a lot of you are healing from broken marriages which i can't even begin to imagine. But for my age, I am probably the equivalent of a 25 year old. Just a little disclaimer if you may be thinking i know nothing about pain.


My boyfriend of three years broke up with me last night. He broke up with me the Sunday after Thanksgiving, but we got back together a couple weeks later. The first time we broke up he said it was because of the distance, and because of all of the problems we had been having recently. Last night, he told me he realized he just didn't feel the same way about me anymore. This is somethng that you cannot argue with. Which, perhaps is for the best. I don't feel quite as tempted to call him because I know it wont change things.


I feel like my heart has literally been ripped out of my body. I feel literal physical pain. And I know everyhting that i'm supposed to tell myself. It will get better in time. There is someone better for you. This is not the end. This is the beginning. Stay busy. Let yourself feel. Cry. I know all of this. But right now I feel as this could kill me. I am a happy, attractive, well adjusted, intelligent college student. But why do i feel like a psychotic ex girlfriend that is obsessed and can't live without him? This morning, i literally was wishing that i would get in a car accident so he could "realize how much i meant to him"..i mean, how much more psycho can i get?


I feel like i've lost everything. I feel like i've lost my happiness, my best friend, i feel like i can't recover. I feel like i can never love again. I feel like no one will ever fall in love with me again, and even if someone does i will never be completely over him. I mean, how does one stop loving another


And of course, comes the pathetic feelings of no self worth. What is wrong with me? I can sit here and give myself advice i KNOW that i will go on breathing but i don't WANT to.


I read someone elses story where they said the darkness just might swallow them up. That describes the way that i feel perfectly. I want a checklist, a plan. Something that tells me how to get my life back on track.


I feel like my story may sound just like everyone elses.


But oh well.

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First off - a big hug to you.


A lot of us are right there with you (including me). I lost 15 pounds, was physically ill, indulged the thoughts about car crashes and the like and still (my breakup happened the same day as yours) feel like there is a hole in my heart and that I amgoing to be enveloped by darkness 3 weeks later. It is a costant struggle.


I have a little advice for you that I am sure is echoed on this site, I am just going to apply it a little differently.


I am a recovering alcoholic (more a recovering binge drinker - but it is the same illness in a different form). I have been off the bottle for 3.5 years, and it is not easy (especially now).


I never went to an AA meeting, but I do use one of their mantras to get me through my life long struggle. ONE DAY AT A TIME.


Looking at this struggle we are all going through as something to conquer ONE DAY AT A TIME makes the mountain of self rejuvenation seem less daunting, more conquerable. You only need to worry about putting him out of your mind today, about not letting darkness win TODAY. Dont worry about tomorrow - all that matters is the here and now. It is easier said than done... but we need goals.


That being said, we all need a plan for getting better. I take solice in the fact that though I still love and miss her -- my ex and her rules, her needs and her feelings cant hold me back from becoming the best person I can be --> and that needs to be the overriding goal right now.


Majord has a great plan on this board and it will give you hope just reading it:



We also need to make sure to remember that it is time to work on us, getting healthier in both mind and body. LanternaMagica on this board is organizing a self revitalization effort for enotalone members.


Trust me - it is easy for none of us. I feel like I am going to break down in tears as I write this (and I am a real guy's guy, so know that we too hurt). You ARE NOT ALONE. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.


Dont apologize for your age. When I was 19, I went through the first of my (now) 3 major breakups. It hurts just as much at 19 as it does at 31. I too wanted to lash out - I too wanted to become self destructive - I too wanted to have something bad happen as a call for attention. These are things we need to work out of our systems.


Be good to you right now - that is priority #1.


I am trying... it isnt easy, but we must fight for love of the most important person in our respective lives-->our SELF LOVE.

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